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Old 04-19-2010, 10:08 PM
Nelara Nelara is offline
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Default Feeling hopeless in a V

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We have talked about polyamory for a long time, it was always something that we felt would just happen if we found the right person. We met this woman that we both really liked, however she was living and in a relationship with another woman so it was never pursued. However, after talking to her about polyamory she seemed to come around to the idea and on an individual level my husband got closer to her than I did. He seemed interested in trying to pursue a relationship with her, and i personally was uncertain if i was straight or bisexual, or how anything would play out, but I agreed to let her visit us for awhile as she lived in another state.

She was still with her SO when she got here, and the relationship stuff had never been talked about. The second day she was here we ended up having a threesome, i was very uncomfortable because she was in a relationship and cheating on her SO. The first few days i seemed alright with the situation, until i noticed that my husband was completely neglecting me and only seemed interested in her. They started having sex constantly in another room, and i just broke down and couldn't handle it anymore. I did not want to start a relationship like this with sex being one of the first connections.

I am falling apart, for the last 4 days i can't stop crying or fighting with my husband. One of the major causes of my pain has been that my husband betrayed my trust and i felt like he risked my health by having unprotected sex with this woman. I feel like i can't trust him anymore, and all i want to do is crawl under a rock. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist that is poly friendly in hopes that i can work through this, but i'm afraid i'm going to rip everything apart before i can get there.

Today, she broke up with her girlfriend and she has nowhere to go. I now feel like i have to just deal with this. I have extreme anxiety and have become very dependent on my husband, and have nowhere to go. I'm not sure what to do with myself because i can't stop feeling so depressed. Now i am going to be stuck living in this situation. I have barely had any time to spend talking to my husband about anything except fighting. I can tell he is pulling away as am I because of the way i feel.

I would appreciate any advice, as i feel so hopeless.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:25 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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FIRST-stop focusing on the EMOTIONS you are feeling and start focusing on your LONG TERM GOALS.

Second-make a list of what you absolutely NEED.

Third-make a list of things you would PREFER.

Fourth-make a list of 5 things you can do today to start pursuing the effort to get the things on your list.

Fifth-stop and think about what it is you are doing. THINKING something sounds "fun" is not the same as REALLY considering ALL OF THE POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES.

In every action we take, every word we speak we create a ripple effect of consequences.Some are good, some are bad. A responsible person takes the time to REALLY deeply consider every single POSSIBLE consequence before they choose a course of action. Additionally they need to consider PROBABILITY of the consequences.

I read your post and my first thought was "well damn, it was only yesterday that Pastor Tim was talking about how God designed men to need sex and designed women to need love and that we need to work to fulfil one anothers needs." That thought was followed by-"so of course if you put it in front of him and you and/or he isn't REALLY taking time to consider ALL of the POSSIBLE consequences, shit is GOING to hit the fan."

Now-don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying he is not responsible for his actions. He absolutely is. You are also responsible. You both chose to take this course. There isn't a QUICK or EASY fix.

The good news is that educating yourself on polyamory and love and relationships and anything really will improve your plight!

www.lovemore.com
www.xeromag.com (click on polyamory then read the articles)
www.lovewithoutlimits.com

If you read books-check these out:
The Seven Levels of Intimacy (great book about intimacy and improving yourself and all of your relationships)
The New Love Without Limits (decent book about polyamory)
Opening Up (decent book about open relationships)
Living Happily Ever After (this one is a great one for improving yourself-not a polyamory book)
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  #3  
Old 04-19-2010, 10:28 PM
samaki82 samaki82 is offline
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I can't say that I've been in that type of situation and I'm new to this whole thing as well, but I feel for you and I hope that you can get things worked out. Communication is the key to any relationship and if that breaks down, then there isn't much of a relationship left. Sometimes the new relationship chemicals make people do dumb things as well. My advice would be to just try and communicate and if that doesn't work, then you may have to make a tough decision either way. I hope this helps some.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
FIRST-stop focusing on the EMOTIONS you are feeling and start focusing on your LONG TERM GOALS.

Second-make a list of what you absolutely NEED.

Third-make a list of things you would PREFER.

Fourth-make a list of 5 things you can do today to start pursuing the effort to get the things on your list.

Fifth-stop and think about what it is you are doing. THINKING something sounds "fun" is not the same as REALLY considering ALL OF THE POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES.

In every action we take, every word we speak we create a ripple effect of consequences.Some are good, some are bad. A responsible person takes the time to REALLY deeply consider every single POSSIBLE consequence before they choose a course of action. Additionally they need to consider PROBABILITY of the consequences.

I read your post and my first thought was "well damn, it was only yesterday that Pastor Tim was talking about how God designed men to need sex and designed women to need love and that we need to work to fulfil one anothers needs." That thought was followed by-"so of course if you put it in front of him and you and/or he isn't REALLY taking time to consider ALL of the POSSIBLE consequences, shit is GOING to hit the fan."

Now-don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying he is not responsible for his actions. He absolutely is. You are also responsible. You both chose to take this course. There isn't a QUICK or EASY fix.

The good news is that educating yourself on polyamory and love and relationships and anything really will improve your plight!

www.lovemore.com
www.xeromag.com (click on polyamory then read the articles)
www.lovewithoutlimits.com

If you read books-check these out:
The Seven Levels of Intimacy (great book about intimacy and improving yourself and all of your relationships)
The New Love Without Limits (decent book about polyamory)
Opening Up (decent book about open relationships)
Living Happily Ever After (this one is a great one for improving yourself-not a polyamory book)
I've never heard such generic, self-advertising crap in my life. I really hope she doesn't take this advice to heart. And how the hell are emotions not important?! Really?! Emotions play a HUGE role! Relationships aren't just about planning out something that you want. You have to work at them and figure out what you BOTH want AND feel. You are right about taking responsibility for your actions, but I think the approach was a little off. Seemed a bit harsh to me.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-19-2010 at 11:30 PM. Reason: merge posts
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:41 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by samaki82 View Post
I've never heard such generic, self-advertising crap in my life.
Ummm are you ok there Samaki? Everyone has a right to thier opinion but there are guidelines on this forum about showing respect for others I believe, and some things can be worded a little less personal/confrontational.
Just concerned about you.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:46 PM
samaki82 samaki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Ummm are you ok there Samaki? Everyone has a right to thier opinion but there are guidelines on this forum about showing respect for others I believe, and some things can be worded a little less personal/confrontational.
Just concerned about you.
I agree; I apologize for being so harsh. I just thought that it was a bit disrespectful the way she approached her advice. It was kind of a reaction to her dismissive reaction to me and my post. So Loving Radiance, I'm sorry for what I said.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:49 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by samaki82 View Post
I've never heard such generic, self-advertising crap in my life. I really hope she doesn't take this advice to heart. And how the hell are emotions not important?! Really?! Emotions play a HUGE role! Relationships aren't just about planning out something that you want. You have to work at them and figure out what you BOTH want AND feel. You are right about taking responsibility for your actions, but I think the approach was a little off. Seemed a bit harsh to me.
Emotions are important, however, if you want to make sensible decisions-you have to take yourself out of the heat of the emotion to consider it and think it through.

As a HIGHLY emotional person myself-I have a good amount of experience in this.
I didn't say that relationships are ONLY about planning. If they were, I wouldn't be married to the man I fell in love with (all emotions) 22 years ago. I sure as hell wouldn't be dating the boyfriend who fell for me 17 years ago (all emotion).
BUT-if I got caught up in the emotions of hurt, disappointment, fear etc-I also wouldn't be married to the man who broke my heart repeatedly with his mistakes in the last 22 years nor would I be dating the sweet man who broke my heart with his stupid little mistakes in the last 17 years AND that's not even considering all the mistakes I made that created all those painful emotions for them-if they had gotten too caught up in those emotions-we wouldn't be together either.

Emotions ARE important, but so is self-introspection.
Relationships are work.
Marriage is MORE work.
Poly is EVEN MORE work.

If one has a tendency to allow their emotions to drive their actions, instead of maintaining control over their behavior themselves, they aren't going to succeed at relationships, be they marriage, dating, mono, poly or whatever.

It wasn't meant to be a cruel post-but seeing as I'm not new to open relationships and I am successful in them; as I'm not struggling with communication, or low self-esteem, or jealousy, or fear of the unknown;
BUT I HAVE IN THE PAST and I MANAGED TO OVERCOME IT SUCCESSFULLY and to maintain successful relationships....

It stands to reason I might not be so "full of shit" as you think I am.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:53 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by samaki82 View Post
I agree; I apologize for being so harsh. I just thought that it was a bit disrespectful the way she approached her advice. It was kind of a reaction to her dismissive reaction to me and my post. So Loving Radiance, I'm sorry for what I said.
What LR said makes sense. Take the emotion out for a second and understand the personal goals. ...

I don't think LR would ever say relationships don't contain emotion (in fact she may be the last person to say it haha), but its difficult to work in the context of a relationship without understanding what you want/need/respect. Otherwise you could end up in an emotional tailspin.

Obviously past that talk to your partner about everything involved and move from that point forward understanding your individual goals and the goals of a couple.
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:57 PM
samaki82 samaki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Emotions are important, however, if you want to make sensible decisions-you have to take yourself out of the heat of the emotion to consider it and think it through.


I didn't say that relationships are ONLY about planning.


Emotions ARE important, but so is self-introspection.
Relationships are work.
Marriage is MORE work.
Poly is EVEN MORE work.

If one has a tendency to allow their emotions to drive their actions, instead of maintaining control over their behavior themselves, they aren't going to succeed at relationships, be they marriage, dating, mono, poly or whatever.

It wasn't meant to be a cruel post-but seeing as I'm not new to open relationships and I am successful in them; as I'm not struggling with communication, or low self-esteem, or jealousy, or fear of the unknown;
BUT I HAVE IN THE PAST and I MANAGED TO OVERCOME IT SUCCESSFULLY and to maintain successful relationships....

It stands to reason I might not be so "full of shit" as you think I am.

Thank you for explaining and I apologize for being so bold with my reaction. I see where you are coming from and I agree that you shouldn't let your emotions drive your decision. I wish you would have included the amount of work that these types of relationships take in your first post. I hope that they can talk about things and work through it somehow.
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Old 04-19-2010, 11:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by samaki82 View Post
I agree; I apologize for being so harsh. I just thought that it was a bit disrespectful the way she approached her advice. It was kind of a reaction to her dismissive reaction to me and my post. So Loving Radiance, I'm sorry for what I said.
Samaki-
I'm sorry if you interpretted my advice as dismissive.
Believe me-it's not-and it is heartfelt.

I don't in anyway advice FORGETTING about one's emotions.
Just step outside of them-not permanently-but pointedly and purposefully.

I was telling my husband the other day-as an example,
When we have an argument and I'm furious,
in my mind I may be thinking

FUCK YOU!!!!

But what I say is

I LOVE YOU!!!!


(even if I have to grit my teeth)

Then I count to whatever number it requires to make myself calm down enough to step out of my personal emotions and try to look at the issue from a more objective point of view.

It's not that my feelings aren't hurt or that I'm not angry. It's that I'm not focusing on that while I try to figure out solutions.

The links and the books I wrote about-I've read them, all of them. Every single word, every single page, some more than once.

I found them EXTREMELY helpful. They were lifesaving really.

My husband has HORRIBLE self-esteem, he's finally finding it-due in great part to reading that information.
He's also EXTREMELY possessive and insecure, that too is finally settling down for in, due in large part to reading that information.

PLEASE-before you lose your temper here, understand, that some of us have spent HOURS, DAYS, MONTHS, YEARS struggling through exactly the issues you are talking about, searching in vain for something somewhere that talks about how to fix it, and then found those answers finally and put them into practice.

If any of us come across as just saying "do this it works" it's probably because we're trying to save you from the "searching in vain" step we struggled through.

You can look through my history of posts and see that I spend a LOT of time helping people find answers for their specific situations. Lots of my time actually.

I have had people contact me who never did post on the board-because they read my posts and felt like they could trust me to be insiteful, caring, sincere and also honest is my suggestions and replies.

I'm not the kind of person to dismiss ANYONE's feelings-even if I don't agree with them.
I am however of the habit of giving the best concrete, simple suggestions that have the best chance of making a permanent, productive, lifechanging, lasting solution.

If it came off as careless or dismissive to you-I ask you to please re-read what I wrote and consider the possibility that not only are you emotional about your husband, but you are defensive as well.



I am unfortunately doing "double duty" right now. (crazy manic 2 year old running back and forth energetically while hubby is trying to nap! EEK)

I am usually very long-winded in my posts!

I was just trying not to overwhelm the OP since I was the "first responder".

Please feel free ANYONE who is new that see's this-if you don't understand me, or think I may be being careless-just ask!
I'm a friendly sort and never ever ever mind clarifying!


AND
on that note Samaki-
Go ahead and bop me on the head for 1/2 through one post talking to you as though YOU were the OP.

At any rate-you did seem defensive. BUT-we all have those moments and I wasn't (and am not) upset, as I said-I've got a lot going on!
Some days I feel like I'm spinning in a big huge manic circle! Go figure huh?

I hope that I cleared up the confusion-

OP-please do write more. There are lots of us willing and able to talk and give a variety of suggestions and support for you!
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-19-2010 at 11:35 PM. Reason: merge posts
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Old 04-19-2010, 11:16 PM
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Peace and sharing...I love this place sometimes
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