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Old 04-19-2010, 06:37 PM
katydid katydid is offline
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Default New and Confused

OK, this is all new to me. I have been happily married for 12 years and identify myself as heterosexual. About a year ago we had another couple over one evening. We were just friends hanging out. one thing led to another and we ended up in the hot tub making out with one another. Since then things have slowly progressed and we are all best friends. We hang out together several times a week. My girlfriend says she loves me and I feel the same which freaks me out a little because I have never seen myself as bi at all. Also I have found myself falling for her husband, hard. He is not as vocal, but is very good to me. Currently we all 4 "fool around" about once a week and once every couple weeks my girlfriend and I will take turns visiting for threesomes. It is amazing but I have gotten extremely emotionally attached. I don't know where this will lead. We both have children (4 in all) and so we have all those concerns as well. I have very mixed and confused feelings about having such strong attachments to 3 other people, my husband, my girlfriend, and her husband. I worry a lot that one of the "relationships" will grow stronger and could cause hurt to others. Please, any advice or experiences are appreciated. I feel like I am in dangerous waters
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Old 04-19-2010, 07:47 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I can understand feeling overwhelmed. Sex for me brings a strong emotional connection that I don't take lightly and for me makes me bonded for life with that person. Whether I or them like it or not. I have come to know that with many hurtful and painful experiences along the way, including swinging, dating a couple, dating someone with my husband etc. and with the loves in my life now. My experience has taught me to check with who I am with what their take is on connection and sex. Not that they have to be the same as me but so we are all aware. I don't want to find myself in pain because someone is not connected and bonded to me as I am them. If I know then I can emotionally deal with the fall out if it ends. Or at least attempt to and not be surprised.

It sounds like you have come to the settling down time of your relationship where there is a natural turning point where levels of commitment need to be discussed and some boundaries to decide upon that don't involve sex. Sex is really a small part of what makes us feel a part of something deep in relationships it seems. Perhaps this is why it can sometimes fade and become like routine for some people. Maybe now is the time to talk about the future and what each other means to the other. Some talk about support for one another. Where the kids are in all of this. Who is willing to go beyond the sexual aspects of the relationship. It seems you have that down pat nicely, its the rest it sounds like you wonder about. So start communicating honestly.
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Old 04-19-2010, 07:56 PM
saudade saudade is offline
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Smile Welcome!

Welcome, KatyD!

Part of how I first got into poly was being exactly in your shoes-- thinking I was mono (though not good at it, I'll admit) and hetero and winding up falling for another couple... Yeah. I remember those days.

It's okay to not be sure about your sexual preference. Many, many people at every age change the label they've been using because they realize it doesn't fit them anymore. It's also okay these days to not really have a label-- so many people feel stuck between preferences and genders, and have been coming up with their own words to describe themselves (pansexual, heteroflexible, etc.). In addition to my (male) life partners, I have a girlfriend (who has her own boyfriends). I tend to label myself as bi simply because it fits the facts, and I try not to over-analyze that, but she considers herself straight.. and we still have a relatively happy, healthy secondary relationship.

I want you to know that what you have sounds beautiful. The biggest tool you have, that anyone has, for staying on the same page and keeping any relationship going is hardcore communication. It's technically true of both mono and poly relationships, but it's easier for just two people to get by on less explicit strategies than it is as numbers grow.

It's great that you've gotten to the point with your girlfriend where you can say "I love you" to each other comfortably, and to me that's a clue that things are pretty stable. However, you should definitely talk with all three of your partners-- maybe your husband or your girlfriend first, if you want to broach the waters before a group conversation. Tell them that you're feeling increasingly invested in the relationship and worried that the sentiment might not be mutual. Ask them how they're feeling. Find out what everyone imagines this relationship looking like in a few more years.

How old are your kids? There's lots of threads around the forum on what to say and how and when. If they're younger and you're comfortable telling them a great deal, I recommend the book I Love You the Purplest by Barbara Joose. It's actually about sibling rivalry for a parent's affections, but it conveys the idea that you can love two people a great deal without having to love one more than the other. (The mother loves one son the "bluest" and one the "reddest.")

One more fun secret... Every single aspect of your problem can be approached from a research angle. Read books, google terms that catch your interest, and keep coming back here. Knowledge is power.

Thanks for sharing! We're here for you.

In cahoots,
~S
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Old 04-19-2010, 08:08 PM
katydid katydid is offline
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Thanks for the reply.

My kids are 7 and 9, theirs are 4 and 7, so they are young. So far we have kept everything a secret, but they cannot stay in the dark forever. I worry about how everything could affect them. I will look at the book you suggested

I do talk a lot to my girlfriend but virtually everything between her husband and I comes through her. He is very good to me and we talk easily about everyday things, but very little seriously. It's more like kids in that respect, gifts, gestures of affection, etc. I feel very connected to him, but we sometimes joke that he and I are like 4th graders, lots of teasing, but little actual communication. The rest of us (my husband included) talk more easily about things.

This lifestyle is new to all 4 of us and we all worry about how other friends would react if they knew, etc.... It's lots of fun, but it's scary too and I truly find myself in love with them both and caring for their children almost as if they were my own. We have discussed things to the point that we agree we are all attached and would view any extra affairs as a kind of cheating.

This is a confusing time.
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Old 04-19-2010, 08:12 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
My experience has taught me to check with who I am with what their take is on connection and sex. Not that they have to be the same as me but so we are all aware.
I really wish I had read something like this before I got involved with our first emotional threesome. Very wise ...

Quote:
I feel like I am in dangerous waters
Communicate this and other concerns with partners involved. And not just your husband. This is a 4 person party, everyone involved needs to be involved. Speed is very relative to the person, I tend to jump in with both feet and then swim like a madman, while my wife is more cautious.

If you can communicate these differences, it might help mitigate the dangerous waters feeling
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  #6  
Old 04-19-2010, 08:14 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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There is quite a bit on these forums about quads. Perhaps you will find some help if you read a bit through doing a search?
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Old 04-19-2010, 08:16 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katydid View Post
I do talk a lot to my girlfriend but virtually everything between her husband and I comes through her. He is very good to me and we talk easily about everyday things, but very little seriously. It's more like kids in that respect, gifts, gestures of affection, etc. I feel very connected to him, but we sometimes joke that he and I are like 4th graders, lots of teasing, but little actual communication. The rest of us (my husband included) talk more easily about things. .
hmmmm...ever hear of the telephone game ...things get miscommunicated when you try to use someone else, even by accident.

I also read this in another forum about a similar situation...the other woman, may come at some point, to resent being the communicator between the two of you. You should have your own relationship and communication with the other husband.

ok...we must all be posting in the exact timestamp, I can't find where the heck I quoted this from ha
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