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  #171  
Old 05-30-2014, 01:57 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Default Bullies be Cray-Cray!

OMG, I'm ready to plotz.

Quick recap:
- Mom passes away, I contact "landlord" to figure out schedule.
- "Landlord" doesn't really have an agreement or paperwork, but DOES want me to turn the key over on the day of the wake.
- "Landlord" (henceforth known as Crazy Woman) shows up right before the wake, intending to stay there. A "hell no" ensues.
- Crazy Woman shows up at the wake and attempts to discuss the matter there.
- YouAreHere stops all further contact with Crazy Woman until paperwork is decided, and finishes cleaning out the property with sisters.
- Crazy Woman breaks into the property and changes the locks, threatens to bill the estate for trash removal.
- Property is a trailer in a trailer park. President of the park assures me that a background check is required, the deed needs to be cleaned up, etc. before she can do anything (and he's not thrilled about what she's doing).
- Lawyers inform me that the property is, in fact, rightfully owned by my mom's deceased partner's heirs (the property was awarded to him in the divorce).

So... the property is not part of my mother's estate anymore, and Crazy Woman has no legal right to the property. Yay, right?

Crazy Woman is now bullying the son (not HER kid, but her ex-husband's kid from a prior relationship), telling him that she owns half the property, and that he'll have to spend soooooooo much money going to get the deed filed, going through probate, and taking care of back taxes and lot rent, that he may as well just give it to her.

Difficulty Level: She never filed a quitclaim deed after the divorce, which DID award the trailer to her ex. There is a caveat in the divorce paperwork that states that (A) her ex could file the quitclaim in her stead if she didn't do it, and (B) if people ignore the direction of the paperwork, it doesn't mean it lacks standing. Her name is still on the deed, but only because the paperwork wasn't done. The paperwork CAN be done to clean it up, but in the meantime, she gets to wave an old piece of paper around that the police are deferring to.

AUGH! What an effing vulture.

I gave him the number of the president of the park, who has been dealing with deed issues on other properties in the park, so he knows what he's doing. The son can work out the deed issues with him (there's no back lot rent - my mother was paying that, and she was paid up), and the park is willing to buy the property, despite any back taxes.

I recommended he work with the president only and just quit dealing with Crazy Woman. CW can deal with the park directly. But I don't really have a horse in this race anymore, so I can only advise. What a friggin' mess... it makes me want to crusade against her ever setting foot in the place, out of spite, but I really need to back away at this point, unless the son contacts me more.

Sigh.

Thank God most of the people I know are decent human beings who give me faith in the human race, so people like this don't sour me on the future of this planet. And thank God I got all of mom's important things out of there before this mess got worse. I just hope CW doesn't get rewarded for her shitty behavior.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 05-30-2014 at 02:01 PM. Reason: Added the quitclaim info
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  #172  
Old 06-15-2014, 02:56 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Default Been quiet lately...

It's actually been a fairly quiet two weeks... I haven't heard anything else with respect to the vulture. I got indignant for a while, but honestly, if the rightful property owner doesn't want to deal with her and just releases any claim to the place, I wouldn't blame him. She's tenacious and annoying. But she's also not my problem anymore, so I've been a bit more calm about it all.

Thiiiiiiiiiiiis close <holds fingers a teeny bit apart> to getting the Administratrix/Executrix paperwork filed. The lawyers were a bit slow, but honestly, the estate wasn't going anywhere. The only thing that may be a bit more annoying with the delay is dealing with the post office, but it shouldn't be a big deal.

Baby sis flew up again yesterday - her friend is moving to Florida and she was going to ride back home with him, with her stuff from mom's place in tow. Except, the truck's inoperable and his car has no room, so I got to see Baby Sis (and her friend and his mom), but she doesn't get to bring her stuff back. Oops. Details.

The good news is, she wants to come up again in a month to try again. The kids love her to pieces, and we have a great time together, so I'm looking forward to it.

I'm doing okay - I think people feel I should be more broken up than I am, and I feel odd about that. I have no regrets about my relationship with my mom, other than maybe not having more time to do things together (a family trip to Disney was taking shape in idea-space, and I get a bit sad thinking that it won't ever happen). No real big emotional jags after the first couple weeks, just some hits here and there (seeing my car parked in my driveway next to hers gives me a lump in my throat every time). I've been sorting through the things we brought back from her place... in among the GINORMOUS stamp collection that we'll be selling as part of the estate, I've found some family letters and other records that are interesting pieces of history, and some nice written insights into the rest of the family. Also found a Lithuanian prayer book (Catholic) from the 1913 era, as well as a couple letters (Lithuanian) from 1936 and 1940. I love this stuff, so it's very bittersweet - I obviously don't like the reason for it all, but finding bits of my family's history is wonderful.

Relationship-wise, things have been calm and quiet - at least as far as conflict goes. Chops and I feel extremely close, and there really hasn't been much emotional wavering lately. The "partner" concerns seem like a moot point now that there really HAS been that emergency moment, and he was there.

It almost appalls me now to think that, in those first couple hours after finding out, when I got through to him and told him, I didn't know if I should ask him to come up or not... He basically had to ask me point-blank what I wanted him to do before I admitted to myself that yes, this is an I-need-Chops-here moment. I'm not sure if it's an I-can-be-strong-and-not-ask-much-of-anyone moment, or if it was an I-don't-want-to-take-Chops-on-Xena's-night moment, or a combination of both, but in hindsight, I'd slap myself if I hadn't come to the conclusion I did. Sheesh. I need support too, despite how much I tend to gravitate into that support role for others.

I saw myself doing that when my coworkers came up to express their condolences after I came back to work... telling people how people's stories of mom made everyone smile, and how that was really nice, so there was a good side to all of it. Not that it isn't true, but I feel like I'm trying to make them feel better, which is back-assward from their initial intent.

Ah well... I feel better when others feel better. The curse of the people-pleaser.

At any rate, Chops and I have found some sort of happy groove lately, and I really haven't had any emotional roller coaster moments about the time thing, or the poly thing, or anything for that matter. It's just been good, and I'm grateful for that.

Muddling along, sorting through stuff, waiting for the paperwork to become official, and finding gems along the way, with an emotional moment here and there. Not too bad, I guess.

In other news, Amazon has added music streaming to their Prime membership, so here I am listening to albums that I've been thinking about buying but haven't (some I like, some not so much), streaming them to the TV (after finding a screensaver bookmarklet for the Chromecast so I don't burn the screen in to my TV), and I'm kinda enjoying the ability to geek out while I groove. Oh, and I found a stack of Star Trek coasters that my mom had - letting the family nerd flag fly high!

Goodnight, all! Wishing all the dads on the board a Happy Fathers' Day tomorrow!
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #173  
Old 06-17-2014, 02:37 AM
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Default On Envy, and Other Random Crap...

Envy... Sibling of Jealousy, the so-called green-eyed monster. Except, jealousy is supposed to be related to us wishing we were someone else, rather than envy being wishing we had something we don't.

I dunno - I guess I find all that stuff envy of some sort, but maybe that's just me. Envy of a particular relation, envy of a particular perk or thing that I don't have. Envy of a particular experience. I don't want to be anyone else... I like me, fer cryin' out loud, but I sure as hell get envious of the things other people do or have sometimes. Thou shalt not covet. Oops.

Except today, it's not poly-related at all.

Ex-hubby called today to say he wants to take the kids to Blue Man Group AND Cirque de Soleil. Which I would have already done, except I'm paying off house debt AND child support... the child support which is helping the ex take the girls out.

Sigh.

Not a big deal, overall, I guess. I do what I can, and we do spend time together (board games FTW!), but still... Blue Man Group would be nice to take the girls to, since I know they'd enjoy it.

So yes, I envy his ability to take the girls out to movies, out to eat, and out to shows all the time while I pay off my house, its furnishings, and buckle down. I get annoyed at the fact that child support funds it (when the only reason I'm paying it is because I wanted to be nice and leave him the house since his mom gave us the land and all). Bleh. I felt like a paycheck when I was married to him, and that hasn't changed.

Envy ain't just a poly problem. Boy, does it have some serious parallels, though.

Such is life. The girls love me, I love them, they love (smothering) the cats (with affection), and so it goes. The competition game is a bad scene, and the kids learn to play that, so I'm not going that route. Disney was the big deal for a while... next up, camping (mua-ha-haa...).

Still going through the estate and getting paperwork filed. Day by day. Found a firearm as part of the estate (AAACK!) that I thought was illegal (double AAACK!), but the local PD just told me to sell it and gave me the address of a local gun shop. In another state, I'd be turning it in. In NH? The cop is giving me advice on getting the best $$ for it. Gotta love it.

Sorting through the mega-stamp collection, the trading card collection, and the hunting weapon collection (WTF?!). I'm surprised we didn't find Mom's pog collection in among everything. But we haven't gone through all the boxes yet. I did find a SWEET Star Trek set of coasters. And yes, a geek party is in the works.

Hope everyone is doing well, despite the Monday-ness of it all!
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #174  
Old 07-07-2014, 01:14 PM
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Default Update and mild rant... rantlet?

Had a nice 4th of July, despite the rain and my contracting some odd stomach bug that my daughter gave me (I blame her!). Yesterday wasn't the best day, and I was lucky that my daughters' friends wanted to take them to the beach, leaving me to sleep off the day. Ugh.

Feeling better now, although I'm still a little squirrely about what to eat.

Chops and Xena are away for their anniversary weekend. I always feel a little odd during these times, and I think it's for a combination of reasons... I know some of it is a vestige of the stuff I went through early in the relationship - the "I'm not special if everyone's special" type of thing. While I know that's not true, it still pokes at me from time to time. My tendency to pull back on the contact because I don't want to intrude doesn't help either, since that's always tough on me.

Still, he'll be back Tuesday and we'll have some good reconnection time. I really need to figure out my budgeting software tonight anyway, so I really don't need any distractions... After having the kids for a nice long weekend, and being sick for a day, my house is a mess and I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do. Typical.

Meeting with tree guys this week to figure out how much it's going to cost me to remove a giant limb off the oak tree in my back yard that, if it comes down, will take down my ENTIRE garage... along with removing a dead tree in the back corner of the yard. The first guy who came by on Saturday told me that my maple in the front yard was in bad shape too, which is a bummer, because it's a beautiful tree. I think I want a second opinion there.

Anyway, my main reason for posting (not that an update isn't okay, but I wouldn't have bothered, really ) is that I wanted to comment on something I saw on the boards today, probably as an off-handed comment, but it still just irked me:

Quote:
I agree some people do seem hard-wired for monogamy, but there is a certain amount of brainwashing that is thrown into the mix as well. Hard to tell what is what here.
I think folks like to toss around the "Brainwashing" word around quite a bit, and I find it a bit harsh, offensive, and divisive.

If I know a strict vegetarian and wish to date them (which has never happened, but go with me here), then I accept that they may have issues with my eating meat. They may have bigger issues with my eating meat that is "unethically" gained, like veal, or they may just hate it on principle. If they then decided that they tried to date me, but wanted me to also be vegetarian or it was over, because it was just too much stress for them to deal with, then yes, a decision would have to be made over a conflict in beliefs.

However, not once does brainwashing even come up in my thought pattern.

If this person is a Hindu subscribing to the strict non-violence of animals, brainwashing STILL doesn't come up in my thought pattern, even though it's culturally and religiously ingrained into them.

Culture != brainwashing.

It's something I'm extremely sensitive to, as a mono person in a poly relationship. If you want people to understand where you're coming from, using divisive language is a nice way to ensure that doesn't happen. I absolutely despise when Chops and Xena make jokes around me about "And, NOT or!" because it sucks to be the "what not to be" portion of the joke. It's building yourself up by putting others down, and it's no way to act when you want others to accept your beliefs.

I see a lot of the use of the word when a group tends to pull together in a circlejerk away from everything else - some groups of atheists tend to use it at times, and it's used pretty derisively there. It's not an attractive front to put on your group, and makes you look hostile and intolerant.

Cultural, yes. I do believe that's a huge part of it, and I do see value in questioning the things you're born into. Rejecting things just based on the fact that they're culturally accepted, though, seems just as imbalanced to me. If you're going to weigh both sides, do so with respect, please. The word "brainwashing" is loaded and derisive, and IMO pretty disrespectful.

<kicks soapbox into corner>
Rant over. Work now. Moar coffee.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 07-07-2014 at 01:16 PM. Reason: A word
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  #175  
Old 07-07-2014, 02:11 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Nicely said. Agreed. We can have different opinions, feelings, beliefs, and it doesn't mean we're 'brain washed.'
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  #176  
Old 07-07-2014, 05:21 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Thanks for your post today YAH. I always enjoy your posts and answers. I just stumbled upon your blog as my life seems to headed into a poly/mono land and its freaking me a bit. My BF and I (both divorcing, ugh) started as poly...as secondaries...really I did it for him (long story) and was always ok with my spouse dating because I don't love him anymore :/

ANyway....So BF is divorcing, I finally have him "all to myself" (I feel rather unsafe saying that most spots). I don't want to be poly anymore, he sure does. I give you so much credit...your story is inspiring. but in reply to your post today, im just really curious how you DO explain/defend yourself to your poly partners. Right now, BF can only see me as being jealous...or insecure...or says things about the natural order of being non-mono (I use to say it too. Ha). So I guess, if I missed it through the pages here im at work so I was skimming, how do you explain your belief in being mono?
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Old 07-07-2014, 05:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
im just really curious how you DO explain/defend yourself to your poly partners. Right now, BF can only see me as being jealous...or insecure...or says things about the natural order of being non-mono (I use to say it too. Ha). So I guess, if I missed it through the pages here im at work so I was skimming, how do you explain your belief in being mono?
Hi GK,

Well, I'll be honest - the initial round of getting my point across was ripping him a new one after an incident that I felt was a means of "converting" me to polyamory. Basically, I told him that if he wants me to respect and love him for who he is, then he'd damn well better do the same for me. In other words, YAH popped her gourd.

It really did take time for it to sink in, though. I'd sent him and Xena to Franklin Veaux's "More Than Two" site's mono/poly links and basically said, "Here, read this - it's articulating what I can't." He put it together with past behavior on my part, which he didn't understand, and over time he basically got to understand me. For the most part. There's stuff he really doesn't "get," but that goes both ways. What we don't get, we accept.

It did help him have an "AHA!" moment when he did cross-reference it across past behaviors - why, when I was still married but getting emotionally closer to him, did I have to push him out of my life in order to work on my marriage? That was why - I couldn't love both... not in a way that would maintain my marriage. He was surprised that I couldn't "compartmentalize" like he could. He didn't understand how more love didn't make me a better wife, when all it did was make me conflicted.

We see things through our own filters and experiences, and when they don't jive, it's sometimes VERY hard to find a common language. You may think you're saying the same thing, but you find out you're not, and it takes time to recognize that you're speaking a different language, much less learn to interpret/speak a new one.

Now, how do I explain it to people who aren't my partner, like Xena or other poly folks I'm conversing with? Lots and lots of analogies. I prefer to think of the way Chops loves as a fountain, spewing love all over the damned place, and if I tried to contain it, I'd just make a mess. Everyone in the "love circle" gets soaked. That's how he is.

Me, I'm a pendulum. If I nurture feelings for one, they pull away from another. If I were to maintain a poly relationship for myself, (I believe) it'd have to be something a bit less entwined - I don't think I could sustain two partner-type relationships, because I'd rip myself apart with the closeness-distance-closeness-distance cycle. A more casual, FWB type of thing? I could probably sustain something like that if I had the desire. I don't. <shrug>

One aside to this whole topic (not related to your question) is that I find it amazing how polarizing this distinction (mono/poly) can be. Most of us accept that various things lie on a spectrum: gender attraction for one. Why can't mono/poly be the same way? There are folks who are "hard-wired" mono or poly (i.e., on either end of the spectrum), and there are folks who are more fluid and could be happy in either type of relationship style. I don't like the polarization, and I think it only fuels the more enlightened/less enlightened crap.

Oh, ninja-edit:
That whole culture != brainwashing thing is one of the reasons I can't stand "Sex At Dawn" and other pop-evo-psych books. SaD glommed onto agriculture and the subsequent settling in one spot as BAD, citing that it stifled our poly natures by introducing competition (which may be the case) and totally ignores all of the positive benefits of such a culture: focus on science and the arts, increased life expectancy, that sort of thing. I really find all "culture = BAD" associations to be extremely short-sighted when they're not weighed against the bigger picture.

But those are my thoughts while I wait for the tree guy to arrive.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 07-07-2014 at 06:04 PM. Reason: More bla bla...
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  #178  
Old 07-07-2014, 06:04 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Hi GK,

Well, I'll be honest - the initial round of getting my point across was ripping him a new one after an incident that I felt was a means of "converting" me to polyamory. Basically, I told him that if he wants me to respect and love him for who he is, then he'd damn well better do the same for me. In other words, YAH popped her gourd.

It really did take time for it to sink in, though. I'd sent him and Xena to Franklin Veaux's "More Than Two" site's mono/poly links and basically said, "Here, read this - it's articulating what I can't." He put it together with past behavior on my part, which he didn't understand, and over time he basically got to understand me. For the most part. There's stuff he really doesn't "get," but that goes both ways. What we don't get, we accept.

It did help him have an "AHA!" moment when he did cross-reference it across past behaviors - why, when I was still married but getting emotionally closer to him, did I have to push him out of my life in order to work on my marriage? That was why - I couldn't love both... not in a way that would maintain my marriage. He was surprised that I couldn't "compartmentalize" like he could. He didn't understand how more love didn't make me a better wife, when all it did was make me conflicted.

We see things through our own filters and experiences, and when they don't jive, it's sometimes VERY hard to find a common language. You may think you're saying the same thing, but you find out you're not, and it takes time to recognize that you're speaking a different language, much less learn to interpret/speak a new one.

Now, how do I explain it to people who aren't my partner, like Xena or other poly folks I'm conversing with? Lots and lots of analogies. I prefer to think of the way Chops loves as a fountain, spewing love all over the damned place, and if I tried to contain it, I'd just make a mess. Everyone in the "love circle" gets soaked. That's how he is.

Me, I'm a pendulum. If I nurture feelings for one, they pull away from another. If I were to maintain a poly relationship for myself, (I believe) it'd have to be something a bit less entwined - I don't think I could sustain two partner-type relationships, because I'd rip myself apart with the closeness-distance-closeness-distance cycle. A more casual, FWB type of thing? I could probably sustain something like that if I had the desire. I don't. <shrug>

One aside to this whole topic (not related to your question) is that I find it amazing how polarizing this distinction (mono/poly) can be. Most of us accept that various things lie on a spectrum: gender attraction for one. Why can't mono/poly be the same way? There are folks who are "hard-wired" mono or poly (i.e., on either end of the spectrum), and there are folks who are more fluid and could be happy in either type of relationship style. I don't like the polarization, and I think it only fuels the more enlightened/less enlightened crap.

But those are my thoughts while I wait for the tree guy to arrive.
Well good luck with your tress, and thank you!!! this was most helpful.
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  #179  
Old 07-08-2014, 08:13 AM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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I also want to thank you, YAH for this explanation of a mono mindset. Me being poly - well, I do have my limits in understanding mono thinking. I like the fountain analogy That really is how I am, too.

My partner Mark is mono, and somehow we have not had too much trouble about it - he is very poly-friendly and understanding. Which makes it easy for me to accept his choice of being mono. In his case I really think it is a choice - he is not in the very end of the spectrum, so to say. Or how could I know?

Anyway, I think it truly adds value to this forum to have mono voices among all the poly's.
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  #180  
Old 07-11-2014, 03:42 AM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post

Me, I'm a pendulum. If I nurture feelings for one, they pull away from another. If I were to maintain a poly relationship for myself, (I believe) it'd have to be something a bit less entwined - I don't think I could sustain two partner-type relationships, because I'd rip myself apart with the closeness-distance-closeness-distance cycle. A more casual, FWB type of thing? I could probably sustain something like that if I had the desire. I don't. <shrug>
This is me now. Get out of my thoughts, YAH. I sustained a two-partner relationship for 12+ years, and the bloody thought makes me cringe. I cannot do it without taking something from my marriage.

Quote:
One aside to this whole topic (not related to your question) is that I find it amazing how polarizing this distinction (mono/poly) can be. Most of us accept that various things lie on a spectrum: gender attraction for one. Why can't mono/poly be the same way? There are folks who are "hard-wired" mono or poly (i.e., on either end of the spectrum), and there are folks who are more fluid and could be happy in either type of relationship style. I don't like the polarization, and I think it only fuels the more enlightened/less enlightened crap.
I wish it was the same. I am not hard-wired for poly or mono. I am happier with a mono marriage, but I am sure I had happy days during my poly years. I do not feel brainwashed, and I despise when people exclaim, "Mono people are brainwashed by culture and do not know better." Bullshit. Perhaps some people just cannot love more than one person at the same time, and it is a-okay. It is like telling a vegetarian they are not as enlightened and telling them, "Oh, you do not know what you are missing," while sucking on noshing on barbecued ribs. I find it quite offensive to imply that a person is less enlightened for not having the interest or desire to be non-monogamous. It is not for everyone.

I hope you are doing well. I wanted to pop in for a bit.
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