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  #1  
Old 04-19-2010, 05:29 PM
sweetsara sweetsara is offline
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Question New, a bit confused, and happy I found this forum!

Hi, I decided to search for a place I could possibly find support. At the time, most people in my life don't know that my husband and I have been interested in having someone join us in our relationship. So, I found this forum! Ive been browsing around, and already feel better.

Im confused by my feelings. And frustrated with myself.

My husband and I have been together for 14 years. I was 15 when we got together. We have two kids, a business and could not imagine life without one another. But we also realize there are parts of our life we want change in. We don't fulfill each others every need, nor do we expect to.

So we started searching for a girl to date and see where it lead. At first it was me searching. But I couldn't seem to find women interested in a man as well. And I want to find someone who is open to the idea of us all being in a relationship. So I told him to try. He did, and he found a nice girl who is interested in knowing both of us. So he went out and met her for the first time and I was having a hard time being nice to him for a while after. And that was wrong of me, because hes respecting all of my limits and doing everything I ask. I have started to talk about my feelings rather than get mad. Because all I am doing is hurting myself. He is not looking for a relationship outside of ours. I just for no reason at all feel that way.

Today she is coming over and will be there when I get home. I get to meet her. I'm excited to do this. But I have all sorts of mixed feelings.

I don't think what I am feeling is jealousy. This is what I want too. I want a woman to be close to. One who is open to the possibilities with my husband and I. Someone who can spend time with my husband and I. My feelings almost messed things up as he said if I wasn't going to be okay with things he would tell her he couldn't talk to her anymore. I told him thats not what I want at all. I just wasn't raised this way. Although I later in life found out my dad cheated on my mom my entire childhood. I was raised believing people should be monogamous to only one other and be completely and totally happy, or miserable, with each other alone. I don't believe in that at all. So I don't know why I feel the way I do.

Its confusing, I know how badly I want this, so why do I have to get upset about it at all?

I may have repeated myself a few times. But thank you so much for this board!
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  #2  
Old 04-19-2010, 05:44 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetsara View Post
So we started searching for a girl to date and see where it lead. At first it was me searching. But I couldn't seem to find women interested in a man as well. And I want to find someone who is open to the idea of us all being in a relationship. So I told him to try. He did, and he found a nice girl who is interested in knowing both of us. So he went out and met her for the first time and I was having a hard time being nice to him for a while after. And that was wrong of me, because hes respecting all of my limits and doing everything I ask. I have started to talk about my feelings rather than get mad. Because all I am doing is hurting myself. He is not looking for a relationship outside of ours. I just for no reason at all feel that way.
Hmmm...this could be a few things, but finding a "3rd" comes with interesting problems. You and he need to like and be attracted to her, and she has to like and be attracted to the two of you (individually and as a couple). Could this lack of niceness be a reaction to you possibly not being interested in her?

It could be other things to, once you have what you thought you wanted, it might not be what you wanted. For example.

You need to become a little introspective and figure out what is happening

Quote:
Today she is coming over and will be there when I get home. I get to meet her. I'm excited to do this. But I have all sorts of mixed feelings.

I don't think what I am feeling is jealousy. This is what I want too. I want a woman to be close to. One who is open to the possibilities with my husband and I. Someone who can spend time with my husband and I. My feelings almost messed things up as he said if I wasn't going to be okay with things he would tell her he couldn't talk to her anymore. I told him thats not what I want at all. I just wasn't raised this way. Although I later in life found out my dad cheated on my mom my entire childhood. I was raised believing people should be monogamous to only one other and be completely and totally happy, or miserable, with each other alone. I don't believe in that at all. So I don't know why I feel the way I do.
Maybe invite her to coffee and meet her alone. Since there should be 4 relationships in a triad you need to get to know her by yourself anyways ...meet and greet

Quote:
Its confusing, I know how badly I want this, so why do I have to get
upset about it at all?

I may have repeated myself a few times. But thank you so much for this board!
I said this up there ^, but wanting this and liking and wanting her can be two very different things. Don't try and force a square peg into a round hole because you like the idea of something

I am not saying that this is the case, just observing what you wrote and giving you options. Really you need to dive into yourself and figure out

a) how you are reacting (since you don't think it is jealousy)
b) why you are reacting this way (weird vibe, you just aren't that into her, etc)

Good luck
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  #3  
Old 04-19-2010, 06:12 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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My husband and I started on our journey looking for a mutual girlfriend. As it turns out we're not attracted to the same type of woman. Poly isn't so much about having a specific relationship dynamic as it is about finding what works for you.

I agree that you should spend some time alone with this woman and get to know her. Let your own relationship with her develop into what it's going to be. Forcing relationships rarely works.

-Derby
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  #4  
Old 04-19-2010, 07:21 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I agree that finding your own relationship with her is the best course. There is nothing saying that she is the one. She has to want it too for another thing. Quite often unicorns decide the dynamic isn't for them as much as someone in the first coupling (or *primary couple* as it sometimes is/and/or becomes) does.

Really this isn't the time to jump ahead. You are just meeting. Try and see it as meeting a friend he has just made. That might help ease the anxiety. If she were just going to be a friend you might react differently. If there is a spark there then great, move forward slowly, if not then its not a big deal. Sometimes when one wants something badly then things are forced and there is more possibility for harming others and damaging yourself.

If nothing else you will gain some education on what you both want.

Take a look around here too. Do a search for unicorns or thirds to educate yourself on what its like for other couples and the concerns of unicorns. There is a lot here to read that may help.
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  #5  
Old 04-19-2010, 10:06 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Quote:
Its confusing, I know how badly I want this, so why do I have to get
upset about it at all?
Well, geez -- you're telling yourself that you are meeting someone who may share a role you've had by yourself for 14 years: as a lover of your husband! And you're thinking that someone may also be your lover, which is a heck of a charge of significance to carry into a first meeting! And someone who could impact your children, your home life, all kinds of things.

Do ya THINK there might be some angst around this meeting? You're thinking a lot of things that may or may not be appropriate -- but which are certainly not going to happen at a first meeting.

You're honest with yourself and your husband. You have a strong marriage, you're both there for each other. It sounds like nothing is going to change that. That's a lot to have going for you. Your life is your own to shape, and that's what you're doing.

Quote:
Redpepper: Try and see it as meeting a friend he has just made.
That's good advice, IMHO. Don't let this be a make-or-break, because it isn't. Don't make this anything more than an opportunity to meet someone interesting and talk to them openly. Maybe have a few laughs, share a few feelings. That's what a first date is all about, I think. RP is right.

Good luck!

Last edited by EugenePoet; 04-19-2010 at 10:09 PM.
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  #6  
Old 04-20-2010, 03:48 PM
sweetsara sweetsara is offline
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Thanks everyone for the advice

I did meet her yesterday and she was very nice. The type of girl I was friends with when I use to be social. We hung out for a few hours and then my husband took her home.

Ive been doing a lot of brain picking and I think what I fear really, is not receiving as much affection as everyone else in the relationship.

When I first seen her and my husband holding hands it took me a moment to have it sink in. But it didn't really bother me, it was just different. I did tell my husband later, that I want to be touched too.

I think I may be the shyest of the three of us.

Thank you again. Im glad I found this forum. As we are new to this, I don't really want to share it with others in my life at this point. But that also leaves me without anyone to talk to outside of the relationship. And I need that.
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  #7  
Old 04-21-2010, 01:36 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetsara View Post
Im confused by my feelings. And frustrated with myself.

My husband and I have been together for 14 years. I was 15 when we got together. We have two kids, a business and could not imagine life without one another. But we also realize there are parts of our life we want change in. We don't fulfill each others every need, nor do we expect to.
Hi Sara,

Be patient ! Don't make mountains out of mole hills as they say.

Think of the whole situation this way.............

You were stranded in space for 25 years. Suddenly you've discovered a new planet you may want to settle on. The old one had a lot of problems and you hoped for more opportunity.
But the new place is VERY different than the old one. Most of the things you had come to take for granted no longer apply. So every day now will be something new. More to learn & understand. Roll with it. Start every morning realizing that you will face new situations - situations where you have to throw away or ignore all the assumptions you carry from the old place. Learn to adopt the attitude- " OH ! - ok - so this is new - how do I navigate this ? Old ways no longer apply. What are my new methods ?

If you make it all an adventure then the angst you run into will be like a bee sting. May sting a little at first but pass quickly - especially if you apply the proper new salve

GS
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  #8  
Old 04-21-2010, 05:02 PM
sweetsara sweetsara is offline
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Thank you very much for the advice! That advice is VERY helpful. I think change has been something very hard for me at times. Sometimes I want change, but don't let it happen because I'm to scared. And I usually regret that.

I gave her a ride home yesterday and we got to spend a bit more time alone together.

I'm definitely getting more comfortable as we all get to know one another.
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