HELP! Im the mono in a mono/poly relationship
Hi all! Im DD123. Im a male age 21 and I have a gf my age who is poly. We are both bisexual and go to the same college (we met in class). At the start of our relationship she wanted an open relationship and I agreed because I like to test the waters before I jump in. Since then our relationship and our feelings for each other have grown. I will not hesitate to call her my closest and best friend. Now Ive jumped in.
Im in AA and have been sober for 2 years. I tell you this for a couple reasons:
A) I have to be open, honest, willing, loving and accepting or I will drink and for me to drink is to die, so I do these things without hesitation to the best of my ability.
B) I have learned that I cant control other people and I can only control myself and how I react to other people.
C) She has come to a couple AA meetings with me and read some AA literature to better understand me and my alcoholism and I want to show her the same respect by doing what I can to learn about her and poly.
D) When she goes out drinking I say "Ok have fun" and do not feel jealous or angry or anything like that (I will cite this later).
E) I have learned how to ask for help when I need it, and that is what Im doing with this post.
F) I like my AA support group - is there some kind of support group or something for poly?
We have spent time at coffee shops and walking down the street looking at people and rating them; like he/shes cute or Id do him/her, and we both would have fun. But this is all talk and my thought process is: "I have a gf that I really care about and enjoy being with, so why would I seek another relationship?" We would talk about it, but personally I would not act on it.
This past week she tells me shes going on a date with another girl. Now its not just talk its actually happening, and Im full of fear. My head goes: "whats wrong with me?" "am I not enough?" "If it starts with 1 where is it going to end?" "Does this mean she doesnt care about me like I care about her?" and other insecure thoughts like these.
We are both open and honest, I Ive told her my thoughts and how I feel and shes told me that its just her and it has nothing to do with me, and that it does not mean that she doesnt care for me, because she does. I understand it intellectually, but I cant seem to grasp it emotionally (you know what I mean?). Part of the reason for this is because I have been in open relationships before, but only because I did not care for the person I was with at that time. I really care for my current gf and I relate being in more than 1 intimate relationship means that you dont care for the other person, thats just my experience.
I accept her being poly like I accept that Im alcoholic; I dont mean to say that poly is a disease like alcoholism, I mean to say that it is part of who we are and its something that we cant change. She told me that she was in a relationship where she was asked to be mono, but she felt as if she was denying who she is, I cant and wont ask her to do that. I dont understand why I cant just say "Ok have fun" like I do when she goes drinking (like I said in D). Maybe because I have spent 2 years learning about my alcoholism, but the whole poly thing is still new to me.
We've tried to come up with some ideas on how to work this out. One was for her to be mono, but shes done that before and it didnt work and I wont ask her to do that again. Another was to just not tell me about her other relationships, but that opens up the door to secretes and lies, and thats not a healthy relationship. We both cried together at the thought of our relationship ending due to a lack of understanding and acceptance on my part. We both want this relationship to work, but we cant ask each other to change who we are and how we feel.
So Im writing this because I need some help, guidance, support, experience, and understanding. I told her about my efforts to learn and understand and she said that she has yet to meet a mono that has changed their mind; So of course I want to be the first. So please, any feedback, experience, strength, hope, links, other threads, etc. is all greatly appreciated.
|acceptance, fear, mono jealousy, mono poly, mono/poly|