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Old 06-13-2014, 11:15 AM
Kursed13 Kursed13 is offline
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Default New triad

So I am in a relationship with a woman that has a gf and they have been together off and on for 15 years. Recently she brought up the idea of a triad. Apparently they have talked about this for a long time. Me and the gf talk occasionally but she lives in a different state. We are going to see if the gf and I click in august. I am a little apprehensive as to if the gf will like me. Also if there are any triads out the, specifically wmw, I would like a little coaching on some dos and don'ts when starting. Also I would like to know if the guy in the wmw triad has any insights to share.
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Old 06-14-2014, 12:59 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I was in a wmw sexual vee, emotional triad. But I am a woman.

First off, you all may be jumping the gun a bit in wondering about a triad when you two don't even know each other yet. It will probably put a lot of pressure on everyone to have this goal of a triad hanging over the process of getting to know one another. Kind of sounds like an arranged marriage, doesn't it?
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Old 06-14-2014, 02:51 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Sorry, no wmw triad here, I'm in a mwm vee.

It's true what bookbug said, you don't want to put too many eggs in the triad basket, leave room for the possibility that you (too) could end up in a vee configuration or something like that.

There's really no "standard rules for triads" that I know of. I mostly just know of the mantra for all polyamorists: "Communicate, communicate, communicate." Since I see communication as an art form that would take about a million years to master, I feel safe to say that you'll have opportunities to get better at communicating throughout your life. So get lots and lots of practice. And practice your listening skills too. Listening is actually the most important part of communicating (I think).

As it says in Sex at Dawn (the softcover edition),
Quote:
"Every person is a world and every relationship a universe."
-- Sex at Dawn, p. 314
With that in mind, you should know that what will work for your triad (or vee or whatever it is) will be completely unique. Some people need lots of rules (at least at first), others can just let intuition be their constant guide. And everything between. If you do need rules, talk with each other and decide what they'll be. And renegotiate periodically. Talk about your wants, needs, and boundaries with each other. Oh and don't try to rush anything too fast. Small steps is the best way to go, usually. I guess with the girlfriend living in a different State that definitely slows things down. Will the three of you ever live together someday, do you think?

I hope your August meet-up goes well.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 06-14-2014, 03:05 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
First off, you all may be jumping the gun a bit in wondering about a triad when you two don't even know each other yet. It will probably put a lot of pressure on everyone to have this goal of a triad hanging over the process of getting to know one another. Kind of sounds like an arranged marriage, doesn't it?
Deciding on a relationship structure and then hoping that the people involved will fit perfectly into said pre-determined slot is absurd. Sure, once in a blue moon it might accidentally work out, but the odds against such a thing are stacked to an extraordinary degree.

I suggest letting a triad happen if it happens. Let the horse lead the cart... anything else is going to cause an agitated horse and a cart that doesn't go anywhere (at best).

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I mostly just know of the mantra for all polyamorists: "Communicate, communicate, communicate."
You can babble about your feelings all day long but if you aren't taking responsibility for said feelings all you're doing is being annoying. I would put communication as a tie or maybe a close second to "take responsibility for your own shit". Communication without accountability is simply the thing that keeps marriage counselors in business; getting paid to listen to people whine for a while before they get divorced
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