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  #291  
Old 06-12-2014, 01:17 PM
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Ugh. Yesterday evening was pretty crappy for me. Around 6 pm PunkRockAwesomesauce let me know he wouldn't be home for several hours, effectively canceling our only date night this week. I was pretty bummed out, because I was needing some alone and out time with him, having just spent two days with DarkKnight. I absolutely understood his work sucks sometimes, so as I was driving home by myself right then, I decided to go shopping at the outlet mall and concentrate on being fabulous.

Unfortunately, I was not fabulous. I have been needing to buy a new bathing suit for the summer since I've lost weight since last year. I spent about an hour trying on different ones, only to be stymied by the fact that every single one looked terrible. I left the shop feeling absolutely awful about myself and my body.

Depressed and defeated, I called my husband and he encouraged me to come home and get snuggles. He wasn't at all what I wanted though - I wanted PunkRock. The negativity I was feeling about my body piggybacked itself onto the lack of our together time and it sent me to a bad headspace. I was weepy and teary and just all around miserable.

DarkKnight tried his best to console me, but watching the last episode of Cosmos together was a poor solution, since my date night with PunkRock was supposed to involve curling up in bed and watching the 2nd season of Orange is the New Black. I knew it would make him feel better though, so I did finish the program with him, though I resisted his offers to take me out to eat. I didn't want a date with him again - not because I don't love him or care about him, but because it seemed rather forced on his part. He is very much an introvert and I knew that going out with me was not something he was going to enjoy, especially not after two back-to-back nights of activities.

Sigh. It ended up with both of us crying. Well, he was teary with frustration, anyway. I was just a big mess. I swear, it was like I was on my period. Those kinds of hormones. Ugh.

PunkRock made it home at 10 pm and brought me Sonic. We had a brief chat about our days and then we went to sleep. No sex then and no sex this morning.
I feel very down and drained today because of this. Especially since I didn't get any attention yesterday morning either, from him. I actually masturbated out of frustration in the early afternoon, which also, I am sure, didn't help improve my mood later. I know I've been chastised before about reframing "me time" in a positive light, but I haven't been able to do that.

So yeah, crappy evening. Hopefully today will be better. I need to run some errands this afternoon, and then PunkRock & DarkKnight and I are playing trivia tonight in Frederick. Or we are supposed to, anyway. PunkRock has missed two of our outings so far this week. He swore he would be there tonight, and that I should bring him some clothes to change into when he arrives. I am not optimistic that he will make it, honestly. He really is busy trying to finish up this job at work. I understand, but two missed times in the same week has me feeling a little bit discounted. (He was supposed to play trivia with us on Monday, originally.)

This weekend looks busy for all of us so there doesn't look like much connection time available there either. I am going to a tea party with some friends and PunkRock will be visiting his brother in rehab on Saturday. Sunday is Father's Day, so DarkKnight & I will be visiting his dad Sunday.

Update on LordTenderHeart's house - the utilities are back on. His dad paid the bills, I guess.
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Last edited by Bluebird; 06-12-2014 at 01:23 PM.
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  #292  
Old 06-13-2014, 09:35 PM
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Well, PunkRock made it last night to trivia. Apparentły DarkKnight texted him to make sure he knew how out of sorts I was over things. I thought that was kind of sweet - DarkKnight always is looking out for me. Anyway, we did really well and ended up with a 3rd place finish. That's awesome at this venue - I didn't expect it with a 3-pack, as most of the teams are really good and 7 strong. The host takes photos of the winning teams, so I will try to post the one he took last night.

PunkRock is working late again tonight probably, so DarkKnight and I are going to a special themed game of trivia tonight with my son - it's all about Game of Thrones. I am tired, but it should be fun.

We are famous in the UK! Heh. Our poly relationship was included in a British tabloid magazine - 2 pages of "My husband wants my boyfriend to move in!" I got a kick out of seeing our story in print. DarkKnight and I were laughing all night over it. PunkRock says he never thought he'd be in a tabloid for this reason. Lol
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  #293  
Old 06-14-2014, 11:05 PM
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Well, it seems like PunkRock and I don't have any shot at all at a date this weekend or next week, so I am bummed about that. I had two activities lined up for today, a tea party with my friends and visiting DarkKnight's dad for Father's Day, while PunkRock went to see his brother at rehab, and then go check on his brother's house. Unfortunately, the tea got rescheduled and DarkKnight's dad was feeling ill, so that go cancelled too. So, DarkKnight was once again able to take advantage and we had a nice romantic lunch together (Cuban paninis) and then did some shopping.

But, well today was shot, and tomorrow PunkRock has already claimed as a painting day, which he really needs since he's been working like crazy. Now I will hopefully be visiting my father in law if he is feeling better, so that works great as far as no one will be left hanging. Still, no time together though.

Monday PunkRock is working another long day while my daughter and I are hiking with friends. Tuesday through Thursday, PunkRock is going to the beach with my daughter and I, but since we are staying in a group house with friends, it is doubtful we will carve out much two-some time.

Ugh. This is stressing me out so much! The only time I have with him is right before falling asleep at night or waking up for sexy times in the morning. Don't get me wrong, I am happy we have that, but it just doesn't resonate as satisfying to me if we can't connect outside of the bedroom. I am starting to feel all jumbled up and weird.

We did get some out and about time at trivia a few nights ago, but that is different, something the 3 of us do together. I want time that is just for US. Sigh. I need all types. We do have a plan to meet at a pizza place for a 3-pack trivia on Monday night, but as much as I know I will enjoy that, it again won't be the same.

Just writing this I feel like a whiny brat. But it's how I feel. I need alone time with DarkKnight, and I need alone time with PunkRock. This week it has been heavily skewed toward DarkKnight, and that has me off kilter too. To be honest, I think it has DarkKnight a little off as well. He is SUCH an introvert, and he went out 3 times with me this week in the evening, which has to be some kind of record. He also went on lunch dates at least 3 times with me. He hasn't really complained, because time with me is awesomesauce, but I know he is looking forward to having some free time to himself while I am at the beach.

I tried to talk to PunkRock this morning about it, but he just kind of brushed it aside, saying that his bedroom is down the hall now, so clearly I am not just a booty call to him, and surely we can find some time at the beach to be together.

Sigh. I don't think he realizes how much slack DarkKnight has pulled this week. Again, not that DarkKnight doesn't want to spend time with me, but it is not at all even. And part of the draw of me being poly for DarkKnight is that he doesn't have to go out all the time, because I have other options. Except, this week it's just not worked that way. Which stresses me out, because what if this becomes a pattern? This will not make DarkKnight happy, and it doesn't work for me either.

Sigh. I am getting worked up and probably for no reason. It was only one week. One of the things I have loved about dating PunkRockAwesomesauce is that he doesn't lie like M did. He says he will do something, and then it happens. There aren't a shit ton of excuses. He is wonderful on following through. He can't help the fact that this week at work was nutters, and of course he needed to take care of family obligations this weekend - I do too. And he absolutely needs some time to himself as well, so I certainly don't begrudge him his painting time! I can put on my big girl panties and make it through til Tuesday, and hopefully we can go to dinner or something just the two of us while at Rehoboth.

I wanted to write here today as well, that I got hit up this afternoon to go over and do some kinky crap with this one guy. And when I say kinky crap, I mean kinky crap! This is the dude I wrote about a long while ago, that I met at an 80s party, and then later he invited me over to get oral on Christmas Day! Anyway, he wanted to know if I'd be interested in pooping in some underwear he had bought. I died laughing almost, upon reading that text. I don't think there was ever a conversation we had that would lead him to believe I was into scat play! I directed him to FetLife once again. He was cool about it, and said if I ever needed anything, just let him know. He would be willing to do me anally, because he knows I like that.

Seriously. Like, he'd be willing to do that for me, as a friend.

Yeah. I said thanks, no thanks. Sigh.
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  #294  
Old 06-15-2014, 10:46 AM
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PunkRockAwesomesauce is super sweet - this is why I love him, readers! He came home late last night, but surprised me with a text and then when he came in the door he had a chocolate malt for me, with lots of whipped cream - minus the cherry, because I hate cherries. He then spent 45 minutes just talking to me about his day and my day, just totally in tune with me, snuggling and being present in the moment with me. Sigh.

Then we had hot as hell sex.

Have I mentioned how fucking great he is at playing with me in bed? Oh, he is awesomesauce for sure!

I can't quit this, ever. Can't make me!
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  #295  
Old 06-16-2014, 06:12 PM
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I am still having issues with accepting compliments. I am a million times better than I was, but it still is bothering me. It seems like both DarkKnight and PunkRockAwesomesauce have just started throwing out compliments willy nilly and it has become a bit overwhelming at times. At least, it feels that way to me. It seems to have a flip effect - the more they give me compliments, the less secure I feel about them wanting to be with me. I definitely have low self-esteem surrounding them wanting to stay in a relationship with me, which has become more pronounced this last week. I will keep at it with my SuperBetter app. I am fairly certain the higher frequency of compliments has led to me feeling unstable. I will have a talk with them tonight.

Yesterday PunkRock told me he is amazed that I am not sated, and that he has met his match sexually. I almost burst into tears. I told him from the beginning that I can't shut it off. It isn't affecting our relationship, but it did make me feel bad about myself again. He said it wasn't a bad thing at all, because he is definitely fulfilled, and he's never had that before in a partner. I haven't either though! I really doubt that one person exists for me, honestly. Or at least, I will probably never find them. Still, I would say this isn't a complaint on my end. I am still feeling really good having sex once or twice a day. I was teary though, because I didn't expect to hear him vocalize that. It made me pause - and it threw a red flag at me - will I need to find a third? I don't want a third! Then I started thinking that this is what happened with M, and this will play itself out to the same conclusion. However, that's bullshit. The frequency with PunkRock is much more, and the quality is awesomesauce. Overall, I just need to learn to be ok with a quickie with just myself in the afternoons, those times when I need it.

I have been reading a bit on different locations in the US, and thinking of where we might relocate to, after my daughter graduates high school. The winner so far is Alamogordo, NM. I've just been researching for the last couple of days though, so nothing definite, for sure. We've got a while to think about things.
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  #296  
Old 06-19-2014, 01:12 AM
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On vacay right now - PunkRockAwesomesauce, my daughter and I are in Rehoboth Beach, DE. Just a short trip so we could get some Park Questing done this month, and so my daughter could get a surfing lesson. A friend rented a beach house for 2 weeks, and we came and stayed with her family in it for $100 a night. Pretty sweet.

Only, my sister said some more nasty things on Facebook. Like, "I can't believe you left DarkKnight at home and took out PunkRock instead, with your daughter!" Or some such nonsense. I explained it wasn't an either/or situation - DarkKnight had to work. Sigh. She kept trying to bring drama. DarkKnight messaged me to see if I wanted him to respond at all, but meh. It would just bring more drama. She doesn't care that everyone involved is happy, she WANTS it to be a terrible event.

It's actually been great - we've had time at both Rehoboth Beach and at Assateague - saw a baby fawn still with spots!, and a few of the wild horses. We've eaten some great food and yes, my daughter got to go surfing and boogie boarding, both things she'd never done before. She also learned how to kayak, down Tuckahoe Creek. (PunkRock and I shared a canoe.) Tomorrow we are doing an orienteering park quest involving finding locations with a compass.

I have also had zero sex since Monday morning, so I am super horny and wanting PunkRock lots and lots, but I am enjoying the snuggles and teasing. When we return home tomorrow night I am going to be insatiable!

While here, I read the book about the 5 Love Languages. It got me really thinking about how DarkKnight's language is acts of service, and how I need to focus on performing more of those for him. He pretty much does everything he can think of to make my life carefree and happy. He deserves the same from me.
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  #297  
Old 06-19-2014, 01:19 AM
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I hope you don't mind me saying this, but your sister is quite the bitch!
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  #298  
Old 06-19-2014, 07:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
It's actually been great - we've had time at both Rehoboth Beach and at Assateague - saw a baby fawn still with spots!, and a few of the wild horses.
I'm enjoying your posts on fb (yes we have friended each other there peeps)! Your daughter looks like she's having a blast.

Speaking of fawns...the above reminded me of when I was preggo with teen. We went camping Memorial Day weekend up on one of those huge mountains in WA. We climbed up this one hill and when we got to the top, my dog stopped running and was really quiet, we came upon a fawn who had just been born. Momma took off when she heard us but baby deer, we witnessed him or her get up from the ground and discover how wobbly the legs were right at birth. That was a pretty awesome moment.
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  #299  
Old 06-19-2014, 09:10 PM
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Yeah, I don't mind what you call my sister. She doesn't call me. Lol My brother said she was an asshole in the comments. *shrugs*

Thanks Ali - she did have fun. The pics of me are pretty terrible, but I figured I needed to post a couple so people could tel I went on vacation too. I bought DarkKnight some truffles and a sampler bag with two types of tea and some flavored sugar. We are almost home, so I am looking forward to giving him his gift.
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  #300  
Old 06-22-2014, 01:41 PM
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Hoping today will be hot and sunny enough to go tubing. In the summer, I go about twice a week. My daughter inflated all the tubes on Friday when we returned home from the shore and only one needs to be replaced, so that's pretty great. I think today both DarkKnight and PunkRockAwesomesauce will go, and it'll be PunkRock's first time on Antietam Creek. All of my friends who tube with us are kind of nervous - Burnside Bridge is having work done this summer, and one of the roads will be closed. This means a curtailed season, if we can't get through. A lot of us paid for tubing tickets up at Harper's Ferry though, so we will be able to hit the Potomac anyway. Still, we have to call ahead for reservations there, at Antietam we just go!

My daughter stayed over at a friends last night, so she is actually rock climbing this morning. Like, actually outside, on rocks. Lol She may or may not be back in time for tubing today. I did already make reservations on the 28th and the 3rd for whitewater tubing with the paddle company though, so she will be able to go then.

As far as poly stuff coming up, I will be going to PunkRock's family shindig for the Fourth of July holiday, on the 5th of July. I will meet some of his extended family then.

Things are great here. I am happy. Life is good.
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