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  #11  
Old 06-13-2014, 05:01 PM
Rachelina Rachelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I know I would be miserable living in another woman's house.

It would be decorated in her style with her things I would be miserable.

I am also one of those people who needs solitude. Having my room right off main living space for a household would be hell for me.
It's not actually decorated with my things or my style. My husband was here for years before I arrived so it's pretty much his stuff. It's not my house any more than hers, except I do have better living space due to being here first. But yes, I see your point about the room. Hopefully the new space will work out.
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  #12  
Old 06-13-2014, 05:22 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Some people are not meant to live together. I would hate living with another woman. I never had roommates, and it is a challenge for me to share space with even the best of friends. My sister lived with us for a few weeks, and I was climbing the walls. I am assuming she is still with your husband, or are they just co-parenting and trying to keep the children together?

I would encourage you to seek one-on-one therapy. Nothing wrong with having a safe haven and a place to work through your feelings. You might have unresolved feelings from the pregnancy and how this played out. Grieve in any way you see fit, and if you need help, seek it. She, too, might have unresolved feelings. If so, the living arrangement could be a trigger for a hidden issue. If for no other reason than learning how to effectively communicate, I would encourage the three of you to seek therapy together. I realise confined living space is a stressor, but she needs to channel her anger in a healthier manner. Scaring the other people in the home is not the solution. Does she have these episodes when the children are present, and who is the anger directed at?

The boys are still young, and there is no rule that says people cannot effectively co-parent living separately. Divorced parents do it every day. The hatred and animosity is not good for them. Children can sense it, and it will start affecting them. Hopefully some space will improve conditions. If not, I say look into other options like her moving to a neighbouring home or flat.

Personally, I would ask her to leave. I will not endure chronic emotional pain for any soul walking this earth, and there is no person who will ever make me feel like my home is not my own or that it is not my sanctuary. You can be compassionate and empathetic, but her temperament would still be creating a hostile living environment. That is not good in the long run. At the end of the day, you have to take care of yourself and your well-being. Stressing is not good for you, and if she is a stressor, she might have to transition out of the house. What does your husband have to say about this? Any ideas from his end?
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  #13  
Old 06-13-2014, 06:21 PM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by Rachelina View Post
What about my post shows I'm unable to put myself in her shoes? I just admitted that space is more of an issue than I had thought. Whenever there's conflict each side usually has trouble seeing the other's perspective. I make a real effort to do so; I am not perfect at it but certainly no worse than the average person.

But although space is a serious issue it's not the only one. There are mental health issues, and just a lot of grief that all this is happening. Accepting their relationship was very painful to me in the beginning, but then becoming close friends with her compensated for the pain even though it was still there. Now it's all pain, no benefit. At least that's how it seems. I need to work on acceptance and seeing that there are benefits, even if they're mostly for my boy.

Thanks for the ideas GalaGirl!
Hmm, I guess that it surprises me that you wouldn't immediately understand that an adult living under the circumstances she is in would be under a considerable amount of stress. Enough stress to influence her behaviour in all aspects of her interactions, decisions making, etc. That's just obvious to me and others, it seems. But it wasn't obvious to you. That's what leads me to believe that there is probably other areas where you underestimate or dismiss her needs.
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  #14  
Old 06-14-2014, 12:53 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Hmm, I guess that it surprises me that you wouldn't immediately understand that an adult living under the circumstances she is in would be under a considerable amount of stress. Enough stress to influence her behaviour in all aspects of her interactions, decisions making, etc. That's just obvious to me and others, it seems. But it wasn't obvious to you. That's what leads me to believe that there is probably other areas where you underestimate or dismiss her needs.
I think it is easy to miss things when a person is very stressed. I imagine that the OP probably feels that since this situation was forced upon her, that her personal space was invaded. May make it a little more difficult to see how the newcomer feels than in ordinary circumstances.
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  #15  
Old 06-14-2014, 06:08 AM
london london is offline
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She agreed for her to move in. Girlfriend got pregnant and for the first year and a half, all was well, until the space thing came up. The Op didn't think the lack of space Girlfriend has was a big enough deal to cause her to act the way she has been behaving.

Nothing was forced upon the Op.
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  #16  
Old 06-14-2014, 10:56 AM
Rachelina Rachelina is offline
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Well, I do feel that it was forced in a way, because I agreed to her moving in on a trial basis, but then there was no trial period because she got pregnant right away. But that's in the past and I need to get over it. I could equally say to her that nothing was forced on her, she knew that that room was the only space available before she moved in, so she should deal with it. But that would not be helpful; it doesn't change the fact that space is a big problem.

Thank you for your post FullofLove. Yes, they are still together. The anger, when she's having an episode, is directed at both me and my husband, and is obvious to the children as well. But when she's feeling better there is still underlying anger and tension directed only at me. My husband just wants us to work it out. He wants to avoid her moving out at all costs, but on the other hand, when she's been acting crazy he's told her several times that if she keeps it up she has to go. Then it gets better for a while but it always goes to hell again. His only real idea is renovating the garage. So we are taking on a huge amount of debt that we can't really afford in the hopes that it's going to save our situation. God I hope it works.
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  #17  
Old 06-14-2014, 12:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Sounds like your husband is still infatuated with her, and protective of his child with her. Who would want to live with a person who acts "psychotic" at any cost???

My daughter has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It is a helluva disease and I had to pretty much cut off contact with her in recent years, since I refuse to be treated in the way she wanted to treat me. I will not be cursed at, stolen from, lied to or manipulated.

I don't hate her, but I definitely keep her at arm's length.


I am so sorry she has been brought into your life. Borderlines are users. They take people for what they can get out of them, until the people they use tire of being used and kick them out.

However, my daughter has been in therapy and on meds since she was 16. She is now 26 and maybe improving and getting more in charge of her emotions and behaviors just a bit. It's taken that long and I don't trust her current stability... she generally goes 6-12 weeks on an even keel and then goes cuckoo again, as in bipolar cycling. She's also managed to get on disability payments from the state/feds, so she isn't so much of a financial drain on her dad, who has spent thousands to keep her body and soul together.

Besides the bipolar pattern, my daughter is also bulemic, has cut herself many times, has substance and alcohol abuse issues. She is like a Tasmanian devil when she drinks. Really terrible. She is, on the other hand, gorgeous to look at, warm and loving when she's in the mood, physically strong and athletic, loves children, she is funny, extremely smart and artistically talented. She started working babysitting at age 11 and even sat for toddler triplets and their baby sister once a week for a year. She managed to save up enough to buy a car at age 16. Lost her license from drunk driving at 19. It hurts to see her be so sick with all the good things she is capable of.

Read the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells. Would be nice if your h would read it too. It is an excellent book about BPD. It teaches you how to draw boundaries to keep your own sanity and dignity.
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 06-14-2014 at 01:23 PM.
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  #18  
Old 06-14-2014, 12:49 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I agree with you. She knew what the situation was when she moved in. Also, I would ask her to contribute to the renovation. It is ridiculous for you and your husband to put yourselves in debt. If she is living in the home and working, I just feel like she should contribute something to a space that will be hers. (Does she work outside of the home, or is she a SAHP? If she does not work, that could be another source of stress.) You may take on this debt, and she might move out before completion. Bills or contractors--if they are being used--will still need to be paid. That is something to think about.

You might not be able to change the past, but you both may have unresolved feeling surrounding the events that transpired. She might be harbouring resentment or feeling jealousy. Maybe her needs are not being met, but if so, she needs to take that up with him. Have you ever asked her directly what her issue is with you? Sometimes you have to address the elephant in the room, and if she is tense towards you when she is "calm," that leads me to believe she might have something against you personally.

Can you recall when first noticed the shift in your relationship with her? What was going on around that time? I know some people hop out the bed hating people, but sometimes it is gradual and happens over time. A therapist can help get to the root of what started this.

I agree with Mags, and I would add that your husband needs to be protective of the child he has with you, too. Infatuation or not, I hate to be blunt, but at some point, he might have to stop thinking with his dick and start using his mind. Empty threats mean nothing. This sounds like it has been ongoing, and he is not actually going to ask her to leave.

I hope it gets better for you.
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  #19  
Old 06-14-2014, 01:38 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi Rachelina,

I can feel how catastrophic your current situation is. Something clearly needs to change here.

It would be easy for me to advise you to ask her to move out if you hadn't expressed that you don't want to separate your children. I agree with that sentiment. However, I don't think that this means *you and her* need to stay under the same roof. In fact, it sounds like the worst possible option.

I'm afraid I don't actually believe that building above the garage will help. Not unless you can all raise the cash to turn that into a completely separate living unit. Moving her bedroom above the garage will only offer her a bit more privacy. It won't change the fact that you are sharing a home. It won't change your relationship.

Have you considered selling your current house and buying one that could be turned into two completely separate living units? Or, of course, buying one that already has a separate living unit attached? Is splitting your current layout an option, to create two self-contained studios? This way, the boys can move between the two spaces safely and easily, but you two don't have to have much to do with each other.

If this is not something you want to do, and her moving out is not an option, it would be wise to seek family therapy. You could also do your own research and work on letting go of hatred. It's a heavy weight to carry around. I'm very spiritual, so Buddhism and mediation works very well for me personally. However, if she does have serious issues, you have to decide whether you want that influence in your orbit. Even if you 'Om' your way to personal tranquility, you have to consider whether you really even want her around.

This leads to my final piece of advice, and I hope you take it kindly, as I intend it. So often, we allow ourselves to believe we are trapped. All this does is increase hostility and negative emotion. In reality, there is always something we can do. Whether this means changing our mindset or making a tangible lifestyle change. You do have choices here, and it might help you to embrace that. For sure, sometimes it's a "lesser of two evils" kind of choice, but realising that you do have some control over your own life can be extremely empowering.

In your situation, this might mean that the lesser of two evils is that you have to make the sacrifice of living in a smaller space or cheaper area in order to keep your children together and escape sharing a communal area with her. Some could argue that this isn't fair on you. However, the way I see it, it's not about fairness - it's about finding a solution that keeps your children happy, and keeps you happy.
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  #20  
Old 06-14-2014, 02:04 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Again, you should have thought of all of this earlier. Pregnancies don't just "happen." Your husband should not have been so careless with a woman he didn't know or trust. Now, for better or worse, you have a baby with her. So, you need to accommodate that. Give her the space she needs, now that it's not just her. Figure out how to make things worse. It's incredibly irresponsible of your husband to leave her now.
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