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  #81  
Old 06-13-2014, 12:42 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I hope everything turns out okay with Beaker. I am glad it is not cancer. If her doctors cannot figure it out, there are others in the world. I often tell people that at some point diseases were nameless. There are doctors who believe that if they cannot read it in a book, it must not exist. I hope someone finds out what it is. Two less worries in the form of disability and discovering the mass is not cancerous.

Congratulations on the job. I hope it brings you joy.
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  #82  
Old 06-24-2014, 12:13 AM
opalescent opalescent is online now
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I'm horny, bored and restless. An unhappy combo.

*sigh*
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  #83  
Old 06-24-2014, 02:54 AM
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I know, right? I actually ran out of stuff to do on Polyamory.com ... first time ever. I, like, never look at blog threads but I thought, "I'm curious to get to know this opalescent person better and hey, I can do 82 posts."

Sounds like you've been on quite the rollercoaster the last, what, half a year or so. I'm kind of happy to hear TC's health improved, and relieved that Beaker doesn't have cancer.

How's the new job so far?

A friend ...
Kevin T.
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  #84  
Old 06-26-2014, 03:42 PM
opalescent opalescent is online now
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Thanks Kevin! Yes, I am much relieved about Tiny Cat. She and Tiny Dog are doing well.

So far the new job is going well. I've started working on my assignments, feeling my way forward so that feels good to me. I like my coworkers and I really like knowing what I am doing is valued not just by my immediate coworkers and supervisor but the larger unit as well. I had not realized how important that is to me until I didn't get that in my former position. Benign neglect is, ultimately, just neglect.

Still no idea what is the cause of Beaker's illness. Every once in a while I shoot her an text with a 'hey is it [fill in disease/disorder name]?' and she goes, 'nope, already checked for and that's not it.'

How is lovely Seattle?

Last edited by opalescent; 06-26-2014 at 06:26 PM.
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  #85  
Old 06-26-2014, 03:50 PM
opalescent opalescent is online now
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Default A Pet Peeve

I don't understand asking a bunch of strangers on the internet if 'Am I [fill in blank]?' I always think, how in the hell would I know?

I do get the general human drive to not feel alone, to belong to groups, to be accepted by others. But it has never occurred to me to ask people I don't know - or actually people I do know - if I was part of xyz thing. But I see this happen all over the interwebs in all sorts of communities. Do people who post these kind of questions find it helpful? Is it a way to validate something about yourself? I've never really seen this kind of questioning play out in real life conversation. Maybe it does and I have not noticed? It does seem to be an internet thing to me.

I remain puzzled by it.
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  #86  
Old 06-26-2014, 05:43 PM
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Re (from opalescent):
Quote:
"How is lovely Seattle?"
It's pretty sweet. Winter was mild, and most of June has been rather cool especially in the mornings and evenings.

Re: "Am I [fill in blank]?" ... you mean like "Am I poly?" Perhaps some people think, "If I'm not poly, then I probably don't belong on this poly forum." But I admit sometimes I wonder if the word "poly" isn't actually a badge of specialness and people want to get official permission from the "poly community" to wear the badge. People make too much of a big deal about "being poly;" it's not really that big a part of our lives and personalities (in most cases). Most polys have the same old boring relationship issues that non-polys do.

Polyamory isn't accepted by mainstream society but I think it's very popular amongst the "underground youth." Like you almost have to "officially be poly" in order to fit into a certain in-crowd. If it was more spread around into the light of day I suppose people wouldn't make as big of a deal about it.
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  #87  
Old 07-06-2014, 11:00 PM
opalescent opalescent is online now
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Find myself lonely and down in the dumps today.

However, on the plus column, Beaker's mass in the lungs is shrinking, going away. And she has more energy. She sounds much better over the phone. And she is doing better than I ever thought she would with not working. However, still no idea of the underlying cause. The mass was another symptom. Everyone's well wishes and thoughts are much appreciated, by the way.

Thinking I need to redo my dating focus. Theoretically dating poly married men would work. I don't always need something long term and committed. However, what I'm finding is that married men can't meet my needs of time and attention - the non-negotiable parts. Some of that is life stuff - children, jobs, etc. And some is that I'm not a priority. I thought I could be ok with that in a FWB situation. Turns out I'm not. I don't need to be the number one priority - I would be horrified if someone prioritized me over their children or spouse - but I do need to be somewhere on the list. And fairly high up as well. I'm considering focusing on people who are not committed/married and seeing if that helps. What I'm doing now isn't working for me.

Most of the time I manage the loneliness pretty well. I get out, do things with friends, take care of myself. Not so much today. I'm realizing I'm trying to get needs met with people who simply can't do so. So trying something else.
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  #88  
Old 07-07-2014, 12:26 AM
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Makes sense.

And good to hear that Beaker's health seems to be improving. Here's crossing my fingers about that.
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  #89  
Old 07-26-2014, 10:21 PM
opalescent opalescent is online now
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Default Things I Learned in Summer Camp

I recently returned from a 10 day retreat. It was great. I wanted to capture some of my realizations before I lose them. So parking them here. This is mostly internal stuff but do feel free to comment if you like.

In no particular order:

I still don't think I'm particularly empathic but I realize that I feel things very, very deeply. I'm still learning to truly feel what I am feeling and not ignore it, hide from it, stuff it down, etc. I learned to do this mostly from my mother. This is not to find fault. Mom also feels everything very deeply and I am coming to realize she did not have the safe places she needed to deal with those feelings. My grandmother (my mom's mom) who I adored and who loved me also was not great at feeling emotions. She had a difficult life that made that dangerous to her. So both of them locked up feelings and inadvertently taught me to do similar. This is not my mom's fault; she did the best she could with the tools she had. I always felt well and deeply loved by my mother (and my father too!). But they just didn't have the tools to handle emotions that I wish they had. I'm continuing to learn now how to be more emotionally open, to feel what I'm feeling whatever that is. I also feel overwhelmed when I feel things like I will be swamped and lose control. Trying to learn to just not be in control over my feelings. This is really friggin' hard for me!

I got an interesting tarot card reading from an elder while at camp. The gist of it is that something I am doing, old habits of behavior and thought, are killing me. Perhaps literally. I think this is probably my inability to take care of myself physically. I eat a poor diet, struggle to exercise and generally fail at this. My dear friend when I described the reading thought it might be my job situation. That's a possibility but that has improved lately so I'm thinking not.
The reading also said that emotions are not the source of my resolving this. Which is actually rather reassuring to me as I figured I had some sort of emotional block that I needed to work out. But that may not be the case. Might be a 'just do it' thing. I also got the sense from the reading that going out and actively seeking resolution might not be the best thing to do. This is counter to my ideal of myself as someone who figures out what she wants and goes and makes it happen. Tarot cards aren't definitive, of course. I think they roughly reflect back through archetypes and myth the mental/emotional state of a person at a given time. I find them suggestive and helpful as a way to sort out what I am 'really' thinking or feeling.

I would really like to get to know my mother better. And I think she would benefit from some of the tools I've been exposed to but I have no idea how to introduce this to her. She's not 'woo-woo' at all.
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  #90  
Old 07-26-2014, 10:44 PM
opalescent opalescent is online now
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Default Things I Learned in Summer Camp continued

Again, this is mostly internal stuff but feel free to comment if so inclined.

Still in order as I think of them:

I have so much stuff to work out about attraction. I was fairly down and depressed because I felt ignored as a sexual being at camp. Maybe it was because I'm fat? Or not a young person anymore? Or that I don't dress particularly traditionally feminine? All of those things may be true - or they may not be true at all. But I have a story I tell myself about attraction. I don't feel attractive most of the time. If I do feel attractive, it's not generated internally most of the time. It's in response to someone's else's reaction to me. In other words, someone is attracted to me and so I feel attractive. This isn't a bad thing on its own. But I find it so hard to feel attractive without that external mirror. That's part of the issue. I've always felt very female but very rarely have I felt feminine. That's in large part because feminine feels to me like a trap, being contained and hemmed in. I never competed with other women or girls for the attention of men/boys because partly that is just weird, but also because I felt I could never win. So I didn't play the game, so to speak. So while I didn't play those competitive, destructive games girls play on and with each other over boys, I just didn't think I was worthy to compete. And that part is not a good thing. Ugh. So much to sort out about attraction! Going to take awhile. I'm not really looking forward to it but it does seem both necessary and timely.

Apparently I find it easier to be grounded than most people. At least in these hippie, new age, pagan-friendly, personal growth, spiritual development circles. Being grounded seems to be connected to a strong sense of self, at least in how I experience it. I've always had that, even as a very small child. (One of many things my parents did really well.) I don't seem to experience feeling ungrounded the way other folks do. I generally don't struggle with making decisions and if I am, that means I am seriously, seriously stuck. I don't know what to do with this. It just seems to me to be a gift.
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