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  #61  
Old 05-20-2014, 12:27 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Default The weekend away

This weekend was pretty amazing. Boy and I had this adorable little room with a fantastic view of the ocean. We walked on the beach for about 5 hours Saturday. Holding hands. Occasionally stopping for a quick kiss. Picking up shells and rocks that caught our attention then putting them back down because we both know we wouldn't actually do anything with them at home. Being playful and silly and chasing each other and running through water (it was a bit chilly so not TOO much water) and just enjoying watching the other people and pets running around. It was lovely and sweet.

Sunday I went for another walk alone just to think. I love the water and feel very relaxed and in tune with myself when I'm around it. It started raining as I was on my way back to the room, so I ran the last little bit. I was all red and out of breath and soaked through from the rain when I got to the room. Boy looked up (he'd been watching the water from the window) and told me I looked beautiful.

When we checked out, we went and did a few tourist-y things. He asked me what Hubby would like from an outlet we went to and bought him a little something as a thank you for "letting" me go (even though it was my idea and Hubby doesn't LET me do anything - I thought it was a sweet gesture). Lots of hand holding, walking arm in arm, kissing, and oh-my-god the sex! I swear every time we got back to the room after a walk or dinner or a trip to the store or anything we were jumping each other! It was like when we were heavy in NRE over a year ago. Good times.

When I got home, Hubby was still out with friends. I got in a quick rest then he and I went out for a nice dinner and a couple of drinks. We were both super tired, so the sex I was hoping would happen (mostly because I know he's been missing it more than me actually wanting it) didn't happen. He wanted to watch a particular show, and by the end of it I was passing out. So... Not sure when we'll actually get to have sex again. I really need to work on making myself make it happen even if I don't feel that strong drive that I feel with others.

Short work week this week before I go visit family for a few days. I'm kind of excited about that! I miss my mom and dad, and my dad took the entire time I'll be in town off which is nice.
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  #62  
Old 05-22-2014, 11:57 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I was supposed to go on a quick trip to visit some family - a few days then back home. It is now going to last almost 2 weeks. With my new job, I was told that I wouldn't be able to take any time off until I had the PTO accrued to do so, so I told them my already planed trip (that they approved before hiring me) was 11 days long instead of 4. lol And now I'm spending it all with my family. It'll be nice, but a bit much, I think. It'll be nice to be away from work for a while, though. Hubby will be with me for most of it, but he doesn't have enough time off to be there the entire time. He'll come back a few days before I do.

Boy spent the night last night since I'll be gone for almost two weeks. I was going to cook, but then he told me he'd much rather take me out so I don't have to do dishes before I leave. How sweet. Then he worked on a crafty project I've had sitting out for a month and been bugging him to help with (jokingly, usually, but it has been driving me nuts so all input is appreciated). He got a lot done and got the rest organized so I should be able to finish it easily enough! Yay! He gave me about 15 hugs before he left this morning, and told me to make sure I let him know how the trip is going. He knows I'm nervous about spending THAT much time with my folks, so he kept reiterating that it will be fun. I appreciate the effort, but it didn't help my anxiety.

Hubby is overly emotional about everything. We had a mini-talk about it today, and I anticipate a lot more of that happening while we're on "vacation." I'm not looking forward to it, but it needs to happen. Some things shifted between us when he and Lady were dating and I don't think they're going to shift back. It's time for him to process and work through that like I did two months ago. It won't be fun.

Now I need to go pack! Plane leaves in less than 12 hours, and I haven't put anything in a bag yet! Eek.
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  #63  
Old 06-05-2014, 03:25 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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The trip was better than I expected in some ways and worse in others. My family was great. My BIL irritates me on occasion, but he was fine this time around. Hubby's family, however, was a cesspool of drama. We ended up not even seeing his brother and his wife because of some crap she tried to pull (emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping about our nephew, etc).

I got home yesterday. Boy came over as soon as he got off work, and we had a relaxing evening. Went to dinner, watched some tv and talked, sex, more tv and chatting, sleep. He used my tooth brush which frustrates me since he has his own. Apparently he couldn't remember which one is his? Who knows. I just have a thing about using tooth brushes after people. I'm weirded out by Hubby using my tooth brush, too. lol

Back to work today. Back to reality. I'm ready. Vacation made me tired. I talked to a coworker the other day, though, and apparently a few of the changes I wasn't looking forward to happened while I was gone. It's going to be ridiculously hectic for a while until 1- they hire more people and 2- we all adjust to the changes (which at least double the amount of work which means less time for fun/life enriching stuff that we're actually supposed to be doing every day).

I downloaded the My Fitness Pal app to try to watch what I eat. I do soooo much better about making good decisions when I have to hold myself accountable - even if it is only to an app! I still have to stare at my choices and can see how awful or how awesome they are. Goal of making more awesome than awful ones.

Ideally I'd like to lose about 60 pounds, though. I'd be happy with 40, but 60 would be better. I lost about 8 pounds earlier in the year and have managed to maintain that, so I'm hopeful that I actually have the willpower at this time. I need to look into finding a gym or workout center or public pool or something so I can up my activity level, too.A few of my coworkers (past and present) have told me to let them know when I find a place and they will think about joining too. I don't really have much faith in that, but it would be pretty cool if it did work out. More accountability!

That's about it... Hubby and I have gotten to a bit more of a normal space. We both did a really great job at focusing on the moment while we were on vacation instead of spending time on our phones, in our own heads, or whatever. Having some completely focused quality time really helped me feel more connected, and I know he's feeling a bit better, too. Maybe this weekend we'll make time for the conversations we both know need to happen. We had to be a bit more on the same page before we could do it, though, and I for one think we are there.
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  #64  
Old 06-11-2014, 02:46 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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The weekend was crazy. Work is crazy. I'm exhausted! I've gotten into a nice routine of taking a short nap after work, though, which makes me a tad more productive in the evenings. Good thing since my house needs some serious attention most weekends since I had been doing next to nothing maintenance-wise during the work week.

Hubby and I still haven't had any in depth conversations. We're pretty happy with the way things are right now - focusing on doing more fun things together, trying new things, and just being us again. He's been working out, and I've been watching what I eat/gently exercising (as previously mentioned - exhausted, so I tend to stick to stretching or yoga and just a little bit of cardio that I can do at home a few times a week). We're both feeling happier and healthier. He's pretty burnt out on the dating thing, and I'm not looking for anything serious anytime soon, so I guess intense convos can wait until necessary while we enjoy the relative calm that is the present.

Poly date night is next week. Yarn is planning to go, and I'm going to try to get Boy to go. Lady will probably be there, as well, which I am not really looking forward to. I still have some bitterness to let go of in regards to her. I may be biased, but Hubby is fantastic and did NOT deserve an out of the blue dumping!

That's about it for the moment.
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  #65  
Old 06-12-2014, 03:35 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Feeling kind of bummed this morning. Hubby and I get very little time together during the week. Weekends are awesome, and this is much better than having no days off together, but it is still draining to not see him Monday-Friday other than a few minutes (maybe an hour) here and there. Weekends are amazing, though, so I'm trying to focus on that. At least my only complaint there is not seeing him enough. That's a good sign!

I'm also feeling down about the rest of my personal life. While I haven't been TRYING to date, I have been kind of active on OKC. The guys there are just depressing, and I have no idea how to get women to respond. I send out messages now and then to women and rarely hear back.

I also spend time with Boy every single week yet he tells me next to nothing about his life. I know he talks to me about things he doesn't talk to most people about - financial stuff, big personal stuff (family crises, post-divorce emotions when they were raging, etc) - however not hearing the little things like tidbits about who he goes out with, how his friends are (especially the ones I've met), and things like that is kind of sad for me. I like to share everything with friends so half the time I feel a distance between us that can overshadow the positives at times. Today is one of the those times. We went out the other night. Had a good time. Movie, he cooked dinner, just relaxing, and some super hot sexy time. I ask him what he's been up to and he just says work and sleep. Which is straight up a lie since I know he had friends at his house over the weekend, there was a condom in the trash so obviously he'd had sex with someone, and Skype was up so he must have been talking to someone before I got there. I mean, really. Why not elaborate and let me know what's going on? It's not like I'd be jealous or anything. I enjoy hearing about the people he's meeting, and whenever he DOES share he always tells me how great it is to get my perspective. Frustrating.

I just feel off today, and I just want to crawl into my bed and hide all day.
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  #66  
Old 06-17-2014, 02:41 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I've been talking to a couple of women! One from OKC and one from *gasp* craigslist! Ha. The craigslist one is random and not going anywhere, methinks. The OKC one is very interesting, though, and I hope we'll at least meet. We've only been talking for a few days, though, so who knows. We're both pansies and have to make ourselves put big girl panties on to actually meet someone from the interwebs.

Other than that... I've been kind of grumpy lately. Not sure what's up. I'm actively working on maintaining a positive attitude, though, and after a week of slacking I am back to tracking my food intake and have been doing a little stretching/exercising the last few days. I feel soooo much better when I behave!
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  #67  
Old 06-21-2014, 09:53 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I've heard back from 4 out of 5 of my matches from poly speed dating... I went on a date with one. A lovely transwoman who I will be seeing again this week. She's so sweet, and I pretty much marked yes at speed dating due to her sheer adorable-ness, but getting to know her a bit more has revealed that we have quite a lot in common.

I am hoping I can also see a couple that I met at some point this week. She wasn't really looking for new connections, was there more in support of him, but apparently took a liking to me. She was also very cute, and he was very interesting and also from an area close to where I'm from which is fun. We'll see.

Another match... She is nuts. lol In a fun way. I would love to be friends, but I definitely don't see us as a romantic match. Maybe FWB? Who knows.

Then a guy... He's sweet. Shy. Cute. About my height which is interesting since I'm pretty short myself. Kind of new to poly which makes me nervous, but I met his wife briefly as well and they're going to counseling to make sure they work through everything they can while transitioning their relationship. They seem very prepared and amazing. Granted, that's on the surface. I'm not sure when I'll get to see him, but we've been exchanging very pleasant emails.

So, that's the new and exciting in my life! As for the established... Hubby is busy all weekend so I'm only seeing him a few hours here and there. It's weird, but kind of nice since my week was so busy. I ordered delivery and am just chilling. He's feeling lonely, though, so I definitely needed this bit of space so I can be the kind of cuddly and close he'll want later. I'm thinking tv cuddled up on the couch and junk food. I've been dieting (down 10 pounds since the beginning of the year!) and it's time for a cheat day.

Boy's going through some family stuff. He's been surprisingly open to me about it, without me having to dig like normal. I'm hoping it's a sign that he is actually dealing with it rather than suppressing, like normal. Losing a family member is tough, and while he isn't TECHNICALLY related to her anymore, they were very close and watching her suffer these last few months has been tough on him. When we went to bed last night, he told me a few stories that I'd never heard about her, which was nice. I know he was thinking today would be the last time he would see her alive. These times make me wish I knew what he needs. Space. Distraction. That's what he always says. Things I am terrible at. I want to hug, to talk, to be there... I'm alright at distraction when we're together, I suppose, just not so great via text or on the phone.
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  #68  
Old 06-24-2014, 02:16 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I came out to a coworker last night! We went out for a few drinks and started chatting. It came up naturally, and she wasn't surprised at all. It probably helped that we'd already established that we're both bi and have dated women in the past. It feels good to have someone uninvolved that I can talk to. She wants to get to know my friends and stuff, too, so I'm glad she knows so I don't have to be worried about what I invite her to.
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  #69  
Old 06-27-2014, 05:50 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Hm. I'm torn. Feels almost like a constant state for me. haha

Hubby and I are going to have the next two weekends to ourselves. Next weekend we MIGHT hang out with some mutual friends. We both miss each other, though, and I just can't wait to cuddle with him. Which is a big deal around here since I wasn't feeling at all touchy-feely with him for months. Yay for normalcy in my marriage!

I've been talking quite a bit with the transwoman from speed dating (I'm going to call her Cutie). We didn't end up going out this week, because I've been exhausted and she's feeling slightly sick. But we've been talking a lot. When we get serious, I love the conversation. She's intelligent, well-read, has had a very different life experience than I have, and it makes for some awesome back and forth about various things. The problem is to get her to talk about real stuff! She tries so hard to be charming that it almost overshadows her inner greatness. This is something I'd like to point out but need to figure out how to do without seeming rude or judgemental.

Boy... has been really stinkin' nice lately. He's been spoiling me one day a week for a while. And by spoiling I mean he teases me about something until I pout and then he fucks the pout right off my face then gives me whatever I wanted in the first place. hehe I turn into quite the brat when he's around, and we're both enjoying it. He's been very complimentary, too, (all the time) and affectionate (when we're together). It's fun and silly and yet very satisfying.

Still trying to set up a couple of dates with other people I met at the dating event. I think one will happen this coming week and one the following. Maybe. Unless I decide that my introverted self has been too social and needs to have more me time.
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  #70  
Old 06-28-2014, 06:16 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I've been talking to Cutie a lot today. It's making me realize how much my experience with Doomed has affected me. I'm so much more reserved with new people than I used to be. I'm feeling almost panicky and like I need to escape. Why? Because she likes me. A lot, apparently. I don't even know how I feel about her, yet, but she apparently sees potential and it terrifies me! My mind keep spiraling out at how horrible it was last time I fell in love and it makes me never want to do it again. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to inadvertently hurt someone.

Boy and Hubby tell me to suck it up. That I'll never feel ready unless I jump back into dating and see how it goes. All day I've just wanted to shut down all my emotions so I can think clearly. That's not good.
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