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  #11  
Old 06-11-2014, 11:20 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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It is a good thing to understand that each person can bring their own unique flare to any task, including sex. It's the "we are all unique snowflakes" approach to dealing with insecurity.

However, this doesn't really address your apparent need to compete to be better at sex than your metamour (your girlfriends boyfriend), it just creates a subroutine to keep the emotions from running over you. The problem I have with this solution is, what happens if their love making changes over time and becomes the "gentle and connected" approach? Will the "I am a unique snowflake" approach work then? What if their connection is so deep that she almost cries when merely describing it? The thing you were clinging to as your uniqueness will then become the knife that stabs you.

I would get used to the idea that some people really are better at some things than others and that this is perfectly ok. We don't need to excel in some other field in order to compete with them... they're just better at a particular thing than we are, period. As others here have said, the problem comes up when we depend on an external source for our sense of worth. When this sense of worth is coming from an internal source (your opinion about yourself, your views, and your actions) the issue of whether or not someone is better at a task than you are becomes irrelevant. This is the foundation of healthy self-esteem.

So, there's no harm in using the unique snowflake approach as a bandaid, but I would recommend against confusing it with the solution to the actual issue you are having.
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  #12  
Old 06-11-2014, 11:48 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Good point Marcus ... though I have to say, (hypothetical) acceptance of the possibility that "B is better in bed," kind of shifts the unique snowflake paradigm to a wider range of traits and activities. So maybe Quin's strong point is heavy conversations that extend into the wee hours, or maybe his strong point is throwing a great party, or taking T out to have some fun on the town, or cooking a wicked meal, or working magic on the car, or creating a relaxed and happy setting at home with a movie and popcorn ... or whatever. In each of those cases, we're still saying, "Well maybe B is especially good at one thing (sex), whereas Quin is especially good at other things (besides sex)." What happens if we discover that B is "The Best" at *everything?* Not that such a discovery would be likely, just asking for the sake of the question's hypothetical value.

So then I think that the most important point is, it's often not healthy to compare ourselves with "the other guy" at all, but rather, that we set personal goals based on our own personal performance as we perceive it. And since the topic at hand is, "How well do we do at showing T a good time," then it must also be important to ask T what she enjoys the most and what (if anything) she'd like to see more of.

It's complicated because people are such multifaceted packages of talents and virtues. If B turned out to be "2nd place in bed," that wouldn't mean T wouldn't still want sex with B. I think she'd still want it because it's still unique and it's still him. T doesn't just want "two lovers;" she wants two men -- two complete individuals (just as they are). I think that makes sense ...
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  #13  
Old 06-12-2014, 12:05 AM
Quintrue Quintrue is offline
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This is some overwhelmingly excellent stuff. I'm glad as hell I joined this forum and reached out to the community. Man, poly people are intelligent folks, and generous to reach back to a stranger newbie with such detailed insight

I suppose I do suffer from some self-esteem issues. I am mostly happy with who I am, but I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to be totally awesome in all categories and am stressing myself out trying to achieve this. I have weaknesses and need to be patient with myself working on them and not expect myself to be the best at something as immediately as it's required of me.

With respect to the notion that some people are just better at things, I think I can relate with that. If you reduce the sexual experience of B and T to a simple "task" of "who can go the hardest for the longest with the most intensity" then perhaps I would have to concede that B is in fact better at that task. But the question is, does that make the sex more enjoyable for T? The answer would likely be "Sometimes." But even if she prefers the hot monkey sex over the slow and erotic sex 4 out of 5 times... I am still the #1 choice for at least some of the time.

And of course sexual connections are dynamic and T's connection with both B and myself will inevitably evolve. Both connections are still young. Maybe my connection with T will evolve in such a way that we're having the hot monkey sex too sometimes. And maybe beneath that, there will still be our foundation of the deep, sensual and spiritual connection that we share.

Feeling mostly better about this now, and I can't thank you all enough for your insights. Clearly this is an awesome community of some enlightened individuals
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  #14  
Old 06-12-2014, 12:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
So then I think that the most important point is, it's often not healthy to compare ourselves with "the other guy" at all, but rather, that we set personal goals based on our own personal performance as we perceive it.
Right, an internal source of self-esteem will likely be healthier in the long term and will provide a more stable sense of worth.

Shifting to a wider array of qualities, "well I'm better than them at X, at least" is an inferior source of self-esteem. It's a valuable tool in the short term, don't get me wrong, but it shouldn't be confused as actually addressing the insecurity at hand.
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  #15  
Old 06-12-2014, 06:14 AM
london london is offline
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The first thing that jumped out at me is that you only seem to really value the things that you're only good at. If it's something you're both good at, it doesn't seem to.mean as much to you.
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  #16  
Old 06-12-2014, 12:57 PM
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I tend to be a competitive person in general - good in school, fairly driven at work, the whole deal. It's been beneficial in those situations, but really NOT beneficial at all in this type of relationship.

The way this manifests (for me) is that when I see/hear something my metamour is doing for my partner, I want to do it too. He likes it, I should do it. It'd make me a better partner to do everything he likes, right? Well... no, not really. It makes me less "me" and more "her" and what he really wants out of a relationship with me is... me.

I've basically asked to stop seeing her gooshier Facebook posts to him, since I want to compete there by being just as gooshy, but it's not me and just feels weird and unnatural. I don't even ask about their sex life. I know they're loud, that's about it (based on complaints by the neighbors). I don't want to get wrapped up in THAT type of competitive cycle.

Our relationship is ours. Based on that alone, it's a damned good one, and there's no need to change anything based on outside circumstances. It stands or falls on its own merit, and after a while, it does feel pretty good to just be able to be you and not worry about what other people are doing.
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  #17  
Old 06-12-2014, 01:52 PM
Quintrue Quintrue is offline
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Thanks YouAreHere, it's good to hear from someone with the competitive problem that I have. You seem to have adapted a strategy that works well for you, that's awesome. I'm aiming to get where you're at with being comfortable not knowing certain details and understanding that I provide a valuable connection that stands on its own. I've been feeling a bit of my strength coming back in the past 24 hours. My shields were really knocked down by not only discovering the information about my metamour's sexual performance, but other events in my personal life. Interesting how if you're hit with something during a moment of weakness, your emotional and spiritual zen can dissolve and bring you back to cave-man level for a bit

I feel sort of embarrassed that this is an issue. I mean, talk about first-world problems. "Boo-hoo, one of my two girlfriends who both love me dearly might be getting some more energetic sex than I can provide." It's helpful to remind myself that there are people out there who feel lucky to have a bag of rice to feed their family, while I gripe about my concerns over sexual inadequacy. It's a great thing to have the love of 2 people, my health, and everything I need to live comfortably.

Gratitude... it always helps.
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  #18  
Old 06-12-2014, 05:35 PM
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Absolutely -- rejoice in the half of the glass that is full.

Re (from YouAreHere):
Quote:
"He likes it, I should do it. It'd make me a better partner to do everything he likes, right? Well ... no, not really. It makes me less 'me' and more 'her' and what he really wants out of a relationship with me is ... me."
Nicely stated.
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  #19  
Old 06-13-2014, 03:44 AM
HelloSweety HelloSweety is offline
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Honestly the way I explain it is that I honestly can't compare Hubby with Boyfriend it is truly apples and oranges as far as I'm concerned. There totally different people. And I'm quite happy with that and love them both. The sexual side is even more impossible to compare with the two of them! They are nothing alike in that regard. And I love that! Nether one is "better". They are both amazing, just in there own ways.

I am very lucky that both of my guys are fine with that. And IMO I think it helps that they know I am NOT comparing them to each other.
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  #20  
Old 06-14-2014, 01:29 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quintrue View Post
...It's a great thing to have the love of 2 people, my health, and everything I need to live comfortably.

Gratitude... it always helps.
Yes!... sometimes when we are wrapped up in the microcosm of our own minds, taking the wider view can help us see how incredibly fortunate we are...
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