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Old 06-11-2014, 11:20 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

It is a good thing to understand that each person can bring their own unique flare to any task, including sex. It's the "we are all unique snowflakes" approach to dealing with insecurity.

However, this doesn't really address your apparent need to compete to be better at sex than your metamour (your girlfriends boyfriend), it just creates a subroutine to keep the emotions from running over you. The problem I have with this solution is, what happens if their love making changes over time and becomes the "gentle and connected" approach? Will the "I am a unique snowflake" approach work then? What if their connection is so deep that she almost cries when merely describing it? The thing you were clinging to as your uniqueness will then become the knife that stabs you.

I would get used to the idea that some people really are better at some things than others and that this is perfectly ok. We don't need to excel in some other field in order to compete with them... they're just better at a particular thing than we are, period. As others here have said, the problem comes up when we depend on an external source for our sense of worth. When this sense of worth is coming from an internal source (your opinion about yourself, your views, and your actions) the issue of whether or not someone is better at a task than you are becomes irrelevant. This is the foundation of healthy self-esteem.

So, there's no harm in using the unique snowflake approach as a bandaid, but I would recommend against confusing it with the solution to the actual issue you are having.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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