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  #1  
Old 06-10-2014, 12:21 AM
PixieKitten PixieKitten is offline
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Default Advice on distance please?

Hi. Newbee here, though not new to poly. Just this situation is different and I just need advice on how to handle it.

I have a connection with an amazing guy. Friendship and mutual interest for years, then things became more intimate a few months ago. We are crazy about each other. Thing is, he lives over 900 kms away from me. But hey, this is the day of internet apps like skype and txting, so we can still connect and we do daily. We fool around on line too. And when we have been around each other in RL, the chemistry is there and not just sexual - we are close friends and are on the same page about some very fundamental things in life. So I have no doubt that this is based on something real and solid. If we weren't so far apart I have no doubt that we would be just doing our thing together.

So here's the thing. I'm one of 3 which isn't an issue in itself - as I've said this isn't the first poly situation I've been in. But in my previous situations, there wasn't this distance. And that is kicking me in the guts because that isn't a hurdle that the other connections in this situation face. One woman is in the same town as him, the other is a short cheap plane trip away. Also, unlike the other women, I have solo care of my kids so can't just jump on a plane when ever I feel the need. He also has job commitments which limit his free time, plus my town isn't a main centre so travelling to it is horrendously expensive. I'm finding this hard. Really really hard.

I keep trying to think about how this situation would work if we were trad mono. I do think the poly dynamic does make things different. He has others in his life that are equally important to him as I am, and so those relationships need to also be respected. This isn't jealousy of the others as such, in that I actually don't feel any less valued/wanted/respected... I have no issue with these other relationships in the "hands off my man" sense. But I am scared. I'm scared that simply because of the distance and limitations, that even though we are both mad crazy about each other (and it seems to be getting stronger even after 8 months since things first started), I'm scared that distance will actually be what breaks this. He simply gets to spend more time physically with the others, and so there is an intimacy building in those relationships that we're just not getting a chance to build in ours. It's also hard to not feel envious of that time he gets to physically spend with the other two, which is just not fair to anyone. I don't want to feel negative towards the others at all, they are both fantastic wonderful women.

So yeah. Advice? Anyone else been in this sort of situation, and how did you deal with it? And yes, I have talked about this with him.

Last edited by PixieKitten; 06-10-2014 at 12:36 AM.
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  #2  
Old 06-10-2014, 12:39 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Poly will be hard for you if you compare your relationship with the other women. Yes, they will likely grow closer to him (than you). Yes, their relationship might evolve faster. But, guess what? They probably date guys/girls who they have less time with/farther distance from than those guys's/girls' other partners.

Plus, having more time together doesn't necessarily equate to a stronger relationship.

Value your relationship for what it is, don't restrict yourself from other partners if you need someone within close proximity, and DEFINITELY don't think about how much "more" other people get from him because they live closer.
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:47 AM
PixieKitten PixieKitten is offline
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True. I have fallen into a bad habit there, haven't I.

I am open to other partners, and do date. I do want more physical closeness with him specifically though, and he wants it with me too. So we're both pointed in the same direction in that regard.

Last edited by PixieKitten; 06-10-2014 at 12:54 AM.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PixieKitten View Post
He simply gets to spend more time physically with the others, and so there is an intimacy building in those relationships that we're just not getting a chance to build in ours.
Makes sense.

Sounds like this is just the way it is. There are some built in logistical issues which will partially define the type of intimacy the two of you can share. Until some of these issues change in a way that is conducive to having the type of interaction you feel like you are missing, I expect it will be more of the same.

Outside of actually changing logistical issues, I would say all you can do is adjust your expectations. Expecting that a long distance relationship will have the same type and frequency of interaction and thus the same intimate connection is unreasonable. It's not that LDR can't be intimate like non-LDR (what do you call that?) relationship, it's just something that I wouldn't count on as the odds are stacked heavily against it.

I would want to work on how I viewed my LDR. I would try to sort out the reasonable from the unreasonable expectations and feed the reasonable ones while getting rid of the others.
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Old 06-10-2014, 01:31 AM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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I've been involved with a man for the last 9 months who lives 3 hours away. We started off casual but then became primaries (along with his local primary relationship). Recently we've realized that just wasn't what we are. We are more of fwb/lover-friends - definitely a secondary relationship. We just can't spend the time together to really build a partnership. And that's okay.

I think with an LDR it's important to know where you see it going, where you want it to go, what you want from it, what you can realistically expect to get out of it.

I'd love to be in a full time live in primary relationship with A. It will never happen. He has a life in his city, I have a life in mine. So the expectations I was building up were hurting the relationship. I kept pushing for him to treat me equally to his other partner, which just can't happen - they live 10 minutes apart and see each other almost daily. At best I was seeing him once a week, and that was putting a huge strain on both our schedules since it filled up almost every weekend when you add in the driving.

I guess the summary of my babblings is to enjoy what you can have while not trying to force it to be something that logistically it can't be.
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:47 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Welcome PixieKitten,

I certainly do have experience with this!

My primary and I live in entirely different countries - 5,000miles/8,000km apart. We have done this for over 3 years now.

Let's see what advice I can offer you.

Quote:
I keep trying to think about how this situation would work if we were trad mono. I do think the poly dynamic does make things different.
I have thought about this too. It is, of course, a question that comes up. The only real difference with a poly LDR, in my experience, is that you have the trust an openness there to be able to see other people. That's a good thing. In reality, unless a mono couple have rock solid trust between them, it can be torture being in a mono LDR. (I've been in some of those too).

Since you are poly, you are able (if you so choose) to enjoy the comforts and pleasures of having another partner close to home. This is one of the main benefits of a poly LDR vs a mono LDR.

My advice here would be to focus on why you have identified as poly in the past and concentrate on the benefits of simply being poly, regardless of the LDR element.

Quote:
I'm scared that distance will actually be what breaks this.
In my experience, it's not physical distance that breaks an LDR, but emotional distance. I have found that the key challenges that come up with any LDR relate to communication (learning how to understand each other in the absence of physical presence) and sharing your lives (learning how to stay involved in each other's day; creating memories together; sharing hobbies).

Otherwise, I find LDRs to be like any other relationship, where worldviews, ethics, needs, wants, etc., are the main factors. Some people genuinely manage to maintain their feelings for another person regardless of distance. I know that I am more than capable of this, and I know that others are too. So don't worry.


Quote:
He simply gets to spend more time physically with the others, and so there is an intimacy building in those relationships that we're just not getting a chance to build in ours.
It is true that he can currently spend more physical time with the others. Even if a certain type of intimacy does grow between him and his local partners, it doesn't necessarily mean that your connection will change or end as a result. In the 3 years I've been in this LDR (and I've been in many others!), I've never found myself preferring someone closer to home simply because they are local. I have always felt what I have felt for my GF, regardless of the distance. You also have to remember that you have the opportunity to build a different kind of intimacy. There is something incredible about bonding online and across space and time. It allows you to share your thoughts in a way that differs from in-person communication. It can also have the wonderful effect of keeping that ~gasp~ sex factor going for longer!

Quote:
It's also hard to not feel envious of that time he gets to physically spend with the other two, which is just not fair to anyone. I don't want to feel negative towards the others at all
I completely understand this. When I am in England for 5 months each time (GF's in the US), I feel envious when I first get home. I think of her husband who gets to live with her, and I think of her secondary, who gets to see her twice a week at times, and definitely gets the fun, datey side of her. However, I also see the dark side of her relationships with them (all relationships have a dark side!). This helps me to put it into perspective and remember that what we have is unique, dark side and all. For all you know, they could be a little envious of certain elements of your relationship. It's better not to compare and to enjoy what you do have. I know that is difficult to achieve, but it is possible over time.


Quote:
So yeah. Advice? Anyone else been in this sort of situation, and how did you deal with it?
My overall advice is not to let the distance become a fear. The distance is there and unless or until one of you is willing to move (if that's even possible), it's best to take what you have and roll with it. Depending on the stage you feel you are it, it can help to talk about the future when the time is right. Other people take the stance that you should live in the here and now. You have to choose which option works best for you.

Try to remember why you identify with poly and make sure that you are enjoying the benefits of being poly too! Do the same with your LDR. Sometimes the distance *does* have its benefits!! When it comes to visiting each other, share the responsibility. Take it in turns, meet halfway if you can, etc. Feelings are feelings, and they can overcome distances! Trust me
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  #7  
Old 06-10-2014, 06:57 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Guy lives about 900 miles away from me. We've been able to see each other in person once in the past 10 months. We keep hoping his job will send him back out here for a while (which is how we met; he was in my area on business), but we aren't counting on it.

In our case, there are no other women involved with him, so I can't speak to that. He occasionally finds a friend with benefits or a fuck-buddy, but he isn't looking for any deeper connection than that at the moment. And I have Hubby here with me every day, so I don't feel the lack of Guy as keenly as I probably would otherwise.

We make it work by talking on the phone, texting, or instant messaging at least a few times a week. We've made agreements about what we need to tell each other regarding other people. I've made it clear to him that if he decides he *does* want to be in our type of relationship with someone else, I'm okay with it as long as he's honest with me.

It's hard when you love someone and can't be with them in person as often as you'd like (or at all). But remember that you and he do love each other, or you wouldn't be in this situation. You are no less important to him just because you aren't right next door.
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Old 06-10-2014, 08:17 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PixieKitten View Post
I do want more physical closeness with him specifically though, and he wants it with me too. So we're both pointed in the same direction in that regard.
I experienced that same thing We did end up moving closer together. But you still should do it for the two of you, and not trying to compete with the other women.
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Old 06-15-2014, 01:49 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Hi PixieKitten,

Just curious ... *Could* you move and live closer to this guy (or could he move closer to you)? What kind of changes/commitments would that entail?

I'm not a big fan of LDR's (especially indefinite ones), but being poly does help, as the others have described. Enjoy what you have, and set goals if you'd like to change the situation eventually.
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Old 06-15-2014, 07:17 AM
PixieKitten PixieKitten is offline
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Thanks for the advice everyone.

@kdt - Not possible at this stage. Both have life commitments that tie us to our current locations, but that might change in a few months. Not really a fan of LDR either tbh. Never really done something like this before.
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