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  #11  
Old 06-10-2014, 04:59 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Default Oh, the fun of calendars...

Life for the next two weeks is pretty insane - TheKnight's parents and grandfather are moving into a house 5 minutes away, which is going to be both good and bad. Good for the WonderToddler, somewhat good for us in that we're not making emergency trips to Florida anymore, good for them in that we're around to help out with things, but potentially bad in that we suspect we're actually going to have to come out of the closet in the next year or so. Ooof. But I refuse to ask my son to keep secrets for me, or to keep secrets from him of things I don't consider wrong, SO... not much choice.

This has also put TheKnight and I on a bit of a roller coaster, but one that doesn't feel destructive. His parents aren't really moving just because they want to, there are health issues involved and it's a "need" rather than "want" sort of thing. Which has made TheKnight go into "fix the emergency" mode, and me go into "no, there is no emergency and treating it like one isn't sustainable"... That caused some friction, but we talked and are more of a team now than we have been in quite a while.

It helps that we're finally on the same page regarding Pink!Girl and HipsterBoy - for so much of the death spiral on that relationship i was amazingly angry at TheKnight for how it went down - while on some levels he was completely honest and partially justified for some of his actions, there were other spots where I thought he was being an ass, and blamed him for wrecking the entire fragile relationship-ecosystem. Part of me still does, a bit, but I'm seeing the flaws that were there so much more clearly now.

I canceled the last plan I had on the calendar with HipsterBoy yesterday - concert tickets to a band I adore, that the four of us were going to see together, bought before things were... what they are. It was originally something of an anniversary celebration. It would have just been needlessly painful for everyone. I don't know when I'll see him again. Typing that makes me sad, and... wistful, perhaps.

So funny to think where I am right this moment vs. a year ago - a year ago today or tomorrow, perhaps, HipsterBoy and I were exchanging our first emails. Just rereading a few of them and I don't even know that I recognize the person I was, or he was, then. Such a fucking waste of potential, the way that went down. I so very much hate that. But in rereading them I can see the flaws so clearly, even in those first few heady summer days.

Back to working on my poly user manual... turns out Sunshine had in fact finished hers, so now TheKnight, and DinoActivist, and I, are all somewhat obligated to catch up...
__________________
33/bi, married to TheKnight (together 16+ years)

dating Sunshine and DinoActivist, TheKnight is dating
Sunshine. (Sunshine and DinoActivist are married.)

Other Dramatis Personae: HipsterBoy / Pink!Girl / TheBride / MartialArtist / KinkyChemist - see my blog for details
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  #12  
Old 06-17-2014, 02:48 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Default Wheeeeee!

I'm on more than a little bit of a new relationship high right now. Sunshine just got back from a trip abroad, and while she and TheKnight had a first date scheduled for the end of the week, they've been talking so much and DinoActivist's and I's schedules otherwise didn't line up that we made impromptu dinner plans last evening.

It was *lovely*. As I told TheKnight this morning, being with HipsterBoy and PinkGirl always felt a little like trying on someone else's life. It was a nice life, it was a life that an alternate universe version of me could have happily lived. But maybe it should have said something that I always knew that my friends-who-are-closer-than-family and my lovers probably wouldn't get along very well at all.

Not that that's *essential*, but it should have said something. Sunshine and DinoActivist though? they could very easily be part of my real life, and I think would love my friends and vice versa.

Anyway, it was a wonderful evening of food and games - Cards Against Humanity is a fun, FUN icebreaker with potential lovers. And I've been getting lovely flirty text messages all morning, now...

Which leads to a bit of cognitive dissonance as I already had a late evening rendezvous planned with MartialArtist this evening. I *like* my life right now...
__________________
33/bi, married to TheKnight (together 16+ years)

dating Sunshine and DinoActivist, TheKnight is dating
Sunshine. (Sunshine and DinoActivist are married.)

Other Dramatis Personae: HipsterBoy / Pink!Girl / TheBride / MartialArtist / KinkyChemist - see my blog for details
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  #13  
Old 06-18-2014, 12:51 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Default Definitions resolving...

So about that thing with MartialArtist... it's definitely resolving a bit towards, well, fuckbuddies rather than even really FWB - not that we have nothing in common, just, I think, not enough to be particularly close.

Except, of course, on one particular relationship axis. And on that one, well... whew. If I'm going to *have* a FB, which in some ways is not something I expected from my life, I've chosen very, very, very well.
__________________
33/bi, married to TheKnight (together 16+ years)

dating Sunshine and DinoActivist, TheKnight is dating
Sunshine. (Sunshine and DinoActivist are married.)

Other Dramatis Personae: HipsterBoy / Pink!Girl / TheBride / MartialArtist / KinkyChemist - see my blog for details
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  #14  
Old 06-26-2014, 03:09 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Default Melancholy

I've been in one of those slightly melancholy moods that I just can't quite shake for the last few days, which is actually really frustrating, as there are a lot of good things going on in my life and yet I'm not really enjoying them as much as I ought to be.

The problem is that I still just haven't quite moved on from HipsterBoy. So even though both MartialArtist and DinoActivist are really lovely in their own ways (more on that later) I keep comparing them with last summer and the NRE falls short, or something.

And it doesn't help that HipsterBoy has astonishingly bad timing sometimes. We were randomly texting the other night - discussing potential variations on a recipe, I think - while I was getting ready for an evening out with DinoActivist (not that HipsterBoy knew that part), and he was like "oh, I found some things of yours while cleaning the house, and I should probably get the keys back from you, so we should have lunch or something and deal with that." Which... on the one hand, I haven't seen him since the awkward memorial day cookout, on the other, that was one of the worst possible times to mention it. So we have plans now for next week... that will be... interesting. ::sigh::

I don't want to be hung up on this anymore. But I looked at the pictures of him at the show we were supposed to be at last night (I love FB. Really. ) and I thought my heart was breaking all over again.

And yet... everything I've said about why it's a bad idea is still true and I know it and I can now see that half of what I miss was never there. Damnit. If I could just get those memories to stop getting in the way of things that are potentially awesome...

The thing is, both of the people that have entered my life recently are really awesome. I suspect either or both of them might be really amazing relationships except I'm just not as emotionally available as I want to be right now. And they both know that - at least I've been honest about that, I guess. Still seems a little unfair to everyone concerned, unfair to them for being (what feels like) more into things than I am, unfair to me because I'm still scarred from something ridiculous and I don't want to miss out on something because of it.

I mean, I spent the evening with DinoActivist the other night, and he's just SO... enthusiastic, and open, and genuine, and really just a beautiful person. There are some things about him that make me unsure we're entirely compatible, though some of those were apparently just initial shyness, and a degree of inexperience. The shyness is going away and as for the inexperience, well, he's quite eager to fix that part. (When did I get to be the experienced older woman? both DinoActivist and MartialArtist are a smidge younger, 29 and 30 to my 33, and far less poly-experienced.) The only word for him is "shiny", and had we met a year ago? I'd be so deep in the throes of NRE it wouldn't even be funny.

Have to find my center...
__________________
33/bi, married to TheKnight (together 16+ years)

dating Sunshine and DinoActivist, TheKnight is dating
Sunshine. (Sunshine and DinoActivist are married.)

Other Dramatis Personae: HipsterBoy / Pink!Girl / TheBride / MartialArtist / KinkyChemist - see my blog for details
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  #15  
Old 06-30-2014, 08:43 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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I have to say that Sunshine and DinoActivist are really amazing. I've been talking more with Sunshine lately - seems like she and TheKnight are utterly smitten with NRE, which is mostly adorable, other than not quite having the same thing going in my life. (Hello again, green eyed monster!). I met my (other) metamours through DinoActivist at a party the other night, and they're both interesting and attractive people - funny poly moment, knowing attractive people are attracted to your partner makes them more interesting/attractive to you. Though I'm a bit afraid he's terribly poly saturated - I'm now the 3rd person he's seeing other than his wife? we'll see how that works out from a time front, in the long run...
__________________
33/bi, married to TheKnight (together 16+ years)

dating Sunshine and DinoActivist, TheKnight is dating
Sunshine. (Sunshine and DinoActivist are married.)

Other Dramatis Personae: HipsterBoy / Pink!Girl / TheBride / MartialArtist / KinkyChemist - see my blog for details
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  #16  
Old 07-03-2014, 07:53 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Default I guess it really is dead, Jim...

I always thought love died in a torrent of angry words, or in an act of massive betrayal, or perhaps in years of contempt and neglect. I'm finally coming to accept that that isn't the case.

HipsterBoy and I had lunch today - exchanged a few stray possessions from those crazy months, walked around downtown, (and in an oddly ironic twist) ended up at one of the places we visited the first night we met. And if it's at least not *too* awkward between us, well, the fire is still gone. Or so carefully banked it might as well be. And maybe someday I'll test those waters a bit more - I could certainly argue the hug that lasted a few seconds longer than "just friends" as evidence that it's a possibility. But for now it really does feel more like "friends with history" than even "it's complicated".

And I'm melancholy about this - but it's more that I want that sort of relationship in my life than that I want _him_. There are SO VERY MANY things about that relationship that were fucked up and/or bad for me. Most of them weren't even really about him, per se, though some were. Just as many were about me, and some were just about particular patterns of interaction that got established early. (lesson learned!). I don't know, even if I was to eventually push to get us back to something else, that any of the things that were bad would go away. So why would I want _that_ back in my life?

Oh, right, the crazy sex. Hmm. Yes. That. Ah well, there are more people in the world, I'm sure I'll find it again someday...
__________________
33/bi, married to TheKnight (together 16+ years)

dating Sunshine and DinoActivist, TheKnight is dating
Sunshine. (Sunshine and DinoActivist are married.)

Other Dramatis Personae: HipsterBoy / Pink!Girl / TheBride / MartialArtist / KinkyChemist - see my blog for details
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  #17  
Old 07-07-2014, 06:58 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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A lovely weekend just passed. After my lunch with HipsterBoy Thursday, I had a dinner date scheduled with MartialArtist. That relationship continues to elude my attempts to put a label on it - every time I think it's resolving into "just" FWB, it then fluctuates back towards something a little more interesting. Part of it, I think, is that he's not "out" about his open relationship - which is very new. Thus I think I hear more about how that feels than I might, in different circumstances, and that's a level of intimacy and self-disclosure... (I'm so very much a sucker for emotional openness... ). But that's not really all there is to it. We went to dinner and barely stopped talking to eat - and I'm so ridiculously into food that that's *really* surprising. For that matter, he had early morning plans and after a bit of random adventure involving locked parking decks and wandering around a downtown neither of us knew well, we didn't make it back to my place in time for the "benefits" portion of the experience... and that was ok. Which after the last time I saw him surprises me because that whole evening was so very much about sex and the random bits of conversation in between were sort of shallow and didn't flow - thus my conclusion that we were on the acquaintance side of the FWB continuum.

I don't know why I'm worried about the definitions on this one. Perhaps it's a habit of monogamy - if it's not "going somewhere", end it before you get too invested to free up that slot in your life. Then, too, there's also a bit more potential here, time-wise, than there otherwise might have been. I had misunderstood something he said about leaving town for several months as something that was happening this fall, but it's actually happening next fall. So that "shelf-life" I had assumed was there? is not. Interesting...

Then much of Saturday was spent with DinoActivist and Sunshine. Quads are fucking awkward, sometimes, even when everyone involved is wonderful. We started out with brunch at my place with a bunch of TheKnight and I's friends - this seemed to go SO much better than last time I introduced friends to new poly partners. So yay there. And then Sunshine and DinoActivist stuck around after everyone else left, and the afternoon was spent in a bit of a blur of stolen kisses and giggly conversations. And THAT was absolutely lovely. But they had plans with one of Sunshine's other partners for dinner and gaming, after which the four of us were going to meet back up and go dancing as a late birthday party for me. I love dancing and don't do it terribly often...

And that was great, we had a lot of fun... but then figuring out what was going to happen *after* dancing was awkward at best. DinoActivist had had a slightly difficult few days, and had a potentially less-than-fun breakfast with family planned for the morning, so by 2am he was kind of done and wanted to go home. And while I would have liked to spend some alone time with him, I also am trying not to fall into situations that are any less than enthusiastically wanted by all parties. That was one of the things that hurt HipsterBoy and I's relationship, in the long run. Except... of course... Sunshine wanted some time alone with TheKnight, which I can understand - as I've said, they're pretty smitten with NRE. But the not-quite-there-yet-or-maybe-ever inequity is REALLY hard, as I keep saying, and not letting that bother me at 2am and slightly drunk? well. Not made of stone, there.

TheKnight is being as understanding as he can be, of course, but I still hate being jealous and making him feel bad about something that otherwise makes him really happy. He thinks I should just keep looking for someone I can be smitten with in the same way. And I'm open to that, but at the same time I want to see what the relationships with MartialArtist and/or DinoActivist turn into. The early days of my relationship with HipsterBoy spoiled me - we texted utterly constantly - and so I guess I sort of thought a new thing would be the same and neither of these are. And I'm an extrovert living an introvert's life - I work for myself from home, and don't spend enough time with friends because of my son - so that level of communication went SO far towards making me less lonely. The loneliness, though, is really my issue and not that of my partners or potential partners - and if I want to date interesting people, well, of COURSE they aren't going to have that kind of time to throw at things. Nor did I, if I'm really honest - HipsterBoy and I have even had fairly long conversations about how we should have never spent what we did on it. But part of me keeps measuring my attractiveness against whether or not I'm wanted like that...
__________________
33/bi, married to TheKnight (together 16+ years)

dating Sunshine and DinoActivist, TheKnight is dating
Sunshine. (Sunshine and DinoActivist are married.)

Other Dramatis Personae: HipsterBoy / Pink!Girl / TheBride / MartialArtist / KinkyChemist - see my blog for details
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  #18  
Old 07-17-2014, 08:24 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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The problem with my life right now is that I'm hovering at the edge of - or perhaps wading in the shallows of - a fairly deep depression. As I've alluded to in a few posts recently, parenting does not come naturally to me (perhaps that's an understatement) and I'm finding 2 to be a difficult age to deal with. (And all the parents reading this say "no, really?" and laugh at me.)

But seriously - the day-to-day stuff of parenting sucks my emotional well utterly dry, leaving nothing for my husband. And that's been a problem lately, on so many levels. I'm not being a terribly good partner, either in a "support for partner's issues" sort of way or in a "dating" sort of way, nor in a compersion sort of way for his NRE with Sunshine. And it's self-fulfilling, in that I'm an emotional black hole so he'd rather spend time with other loves because they're easy, and fun, in a way that I'm not right now, which just makes me needy. Bah. I'm working on me, on that front, but it's hard.

I suppose if I'm going to have a metamour that my husband is kind of smitten with, Sunshine is a damn good choice. We actually talk an amazing amount - hell, I talk to her more than I do DinoActivist. This is... actually a bit of a problem. More than a bit of a problem. I can't tell whether this is his introversion or just that I'm very much low on the totem pole; I suspect a combination of both. But it's not what I want from a relationship and I kind of suspect that this is going to transition to more of a friendship sooner rather than later. Not sure. It's not as though I have someone else to fill that time right now, and he is fun to hang out with, etc.

At least my extrovert side will be thrilled with the next few days - 4 dates in 6 days, drinks with a random OKC date tonight, husband-date tomorrow, Martial Artist on Sat, and DinoActivist on Tues. Pretty crazy. But hopefully fun.
__________________
33/bi, married to TheKnight (together 16+ years)

dating Sunshine and DinoActivist, TheKnight is dating
Sunshine. (Sunshine and DinoActivist are married.)

Other Dramatis Personae: HipsterBoy / Pink!Girl / TheBride / MartialArtist / KinkyChemist - see my blog for details
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  #19  
Old 07-24-2014, 12:00 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by icesong View Post
I can't tell whether this is his introversion or just that I'm very much low on the totem pole...
I can't speak for him (obviously). As an introvert myself, though, I can tell you that how much I talk to someone does NOT reflect their importance to me! I don't like to talk on the telephone. And I don't tend to txt/IM unless someone txts/IMs me first (I don't want to "interrupt" them), and if I am not in a "people" mood then I tend to put off replying until I have something "real" to say. Again, this doesn't reflect their importance to me, just my aversion to certain modes of communication.

Sometimes "not talking" just means that I feel happy/safe/secure in a relationship and there is nothing significant to talk about (i.e. no problems) that can't wait until I see someone in person (which, again, I am unlikely to initiate).

Just trying to provide some introvert perspective...
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
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  #20  
Old 07-25-2014, 01:55 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Thanks for the comment, JaneQSmyth. Having an introvert perspective is useful. There's also a level of reminding myself that things can grow rather than just jumping in on the deep end - both of the major relationships in my life have sort of sprung from nothing-to-everything in a matter of days, so having a relationship with some potential but that isn't *that* is... odd, for me.
__________________
33/bi, married to TheKnight (together 16+ years)

dating Sunshine and DinoActivist, TheKnight is dating
Sunshine. (Sunshine and DinoActivist are married.)

Other Dramatis Personae: HipsterBoy / Pink!Girl / TheBride / MartialArtist / KinkyChemist - see my blog for details
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