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Old 04-17-2010, 04:38 PM
jaksmakndaxter jaksmakndaxter is offline
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Hi everybody. I'm very much new to Polyamory. I'm engaged to the love of my life,who was already practicing Poly before I met her. She approached me about urges she's been having about another man. At 1st I didn't know how to handle it and I was upset, but I also realize we can't control how we feel about anything so after calming down I was able to discuss it rationally. Problem is I'm big on trust,and she kept her feelings from me before speaking on it (I have an uncanny ability to "feel" when something is wrong in my relationships),and I can't say I blame her;how do approach the one you love,who is a known Monogamist,that you have sexual urges for another?(hope I spelled that right) When I was 1st told about it I felt negative feelings,mainly because my trust for her was damaged in the process,towards the guy she has feelings for.

We have since discussed things and are on our way to what I hope to be a very productive Polyamorous relationship. I have some hurdles to clear that many of will undoubtedly be able to help me through,if you would be so kind. I'm shedding the outer shell that says being with one person is the way to go;I'm human, and as such I have sexual urges for other people all the time,but I never attemted to act on them because of what I've always known in life. Even though my trust with my fiance is damaged,it's not so much so that I don't wanna be with her,and we have both verbally agreed that we both very much wish to remain together through this,to remain primary.

I suggested that since I will have the biggest issue with another person within our circle that I find a female partner 1st;reason being,if I can sleep with another woman and not have a problem with it,then I'd be far less likely to have an issue with her and a seperate partner. I really want this to work out,and I have enough of an open mind to do this with her

Is there anyone who can help me in dealing with the initial feeling associated with knowing your partner is elsewhere with another? Any thoughts and stories would be greatly appreciated,and could potentially help to feed our relationship.

I think it's necessary to point out that I did not know fully the extent of her ventures into Poly,as that information was not shared,but I am willing to participate.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-18-2010 at 05:03 PM.
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Old 04-17-2010, 04:47 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by jaksmakndaxter View Post


I suggested that since I will have the biggest issue with another person within our circle that I find a female partner 1st;reason being,if I can sleep with another woman and not have a problem with it,then I'd be far less likely to have an issue with her and a seperate partner. I really want this to work out,and I have enough of an open mind to do this with her

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Welcome to the forums First let me say that you have a great attitude and obvious love for your partner. Second...is there no worry that you might not have the same capacity to maintain a connection with more than one person and therefore she could lose you?
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Old 04-18-2010, 10:08 PM
jaksmakndaxter jaksmakndaxter is offline
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Thank you for the welcome,Mono. In response to your question, I am all about my fiance,and I truly feel that my focus on her could never wane. Sex is sex,and although there are quite certainly many who would be better in bed (though not at all complaining on that aspect),we have something that elevates so far above just sex. We have what I consider to be a very spiritual love,one powerful enough to snap my mental tethering to Monogamy long enough to step into the realm of Polyamory unflinchingly. If I end up not being comfortable with having sex with another than it just means I'm not yet comfortable,but on the strength of my own venture she would have permission to do the same regardless;afterwards we would remain as we always have. She understands that something like this wouldn't just happen in a flash,and she's willing to wait as long as it takes. I don't feel it will be too long,however,and it's because the trust I have for her. Sorry about the long reply,and the wall of text lol.

By the way, I have yet to mention one other detail: that our ventures are strictly physical pleasure. Not that she isn't satisfied with me,but that we want the kind of "new" that can only come from bedding a newer person.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-18-2010 at 10:17 PM.
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Old 04-18-2010, 10:20 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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By the way, I have yet to mention one other detail: that our ventures are strictly physical pleasure. Not that she isn't satisfied with me,but that we want the kind of "new" that can only come from bedding a newer person.


This sounds more like what people refer to as "swinging". You might want to do some reading up on the differences between "swinging" and "polyamory". There are quite a few threads on this forum, and elsewhere, that discuss this topic. You can start in the "Golden Nuggets" section of this forum, which contains links to these and other threads that contain information on topics that are commonly referenced around here.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-19-2010 at 12:08 PM. Reason: color formatting
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Old 04-18-2010, 11:38 PM
jaksmakndaxter jaksmakndaxter is offline
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1st off,greetings Ygirl. 2nd thank you recommending the links and threads to me.

My fiance and I are actively looking for partners to enjoy,and should we really enjoy what we taste,and would like to do it more than just the one time, we both discuss it and then set up a meeting so we can both be comfortable with the other person.If one of us is not comfortable with the other it also would be discussed and ultimately the venture would continue no further.

I may have been misinformed but I was under the impression that one aspect of Polyamory dealt with having more than one partner,be it purely sexual or otherwise. If I am correct then that would be the avenue my fiance and I are currently cruising. If not I'll speak more on the matter after gaining insight from the links and threads to which you have so graciously guided me.

Thank you for your reply,as it and all others will be very helpful in the months and years to come.
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Old 04-19-2010, 05:37 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by jaksmakndaxter View Post
She approached me about urges she's been having about another man. At 1st I didn't know how to handle it and I was upset, but I also realize we can't control how we feel about anything so after calming down I was able to discuss it rationally. Problem is I'm big on trust,and she kept her feelings from me before speaking on it
Urges are just urges, it often takes time for a person to realize they're having them, and even longer to come to terms and feel comfortable enough with them to put their relationship at risk by talking about it.

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Originally Posted by jaksmakndaxter View Post
My fiance and I are actively looking for partners to enjoy,and should we really enjoy what we taste,and would like to do it more than just the one time, we both discuss it and then set up a meeting so we can both be comfortable with the other person.If one of us is not comfortable with the other it also would be discussed and ultimately the venture would continue no further.
Is it correct that what you're talking about by "urges" and "partners to enjoy" means you want to have sex with people, maybe more than once, but you are not interested in "being in love" with them? Then YGirl's right, that's swinging.

Polyamory is more focused on multiple loving relationships with other people. Yes, these are usually also sexual, but they are also loving and romantic, just like the one you have with your fiance. In fact, it's not uncommon for polyamorous people to have two spouses, to have a loving, spiritual, romantic connection to both of them.

We're by no means trying to invalidate your desires or what you want in a relationship. But the issues faced by swinging are somewhat different than those face by polyamory, and having the usual label for it (even though I hate labels) can help you find the most appropriate information and support.
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Old 04-19-2010, 12:16 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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We're by no means trying to invalidate your desires or what you want in a relationship. But the issues faced by swinging are somewhat different than those face by polyamory, and having the usual label for it (even though I hate labels) can help you find the most appropriate information and support.
Correct; swinging is just as valid of a "lifestyle choice" as polyamory, but it does carry with it the stipulation that it is all about recreational sex outside of "the relationship" for the purpose of augmenting the sex-lives of the people in "the relationship".

I don't want to hijack the thread; I wanted to emphasize that I don't think there's anything wrong with swinging, however it is not synonymous with polyamory just because both may involve sex with more than one person. In fact, polyamorous relationships don't even have to involve sex at all.
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