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  #841  
Old 06-03-2014, 05:08 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Angry

I am in Houston, Texas, and it has been one hell of a trip. My hired car was broken in to yesterday. I am here on business, and knowing myself as well as I do, I am about to put on another figurative hat: investigator/detective and forensic scientist. I am due to return on Thursday, but I may have to extend this trip a little longer. I was tempted to dust for and lift fingerprints. I am at a loss for words because I took painstaking precautions to park directly in front of cameras, and the people that are reviewing the footage are taking too long. Un-fucking-believable. All the police can do is take a report. (I am really thinking, "Shove that bloody report up your arse." Whoever it is picked the right person because I am the type to do a job better than the inept people in place. My best friend asked me not to do anything illegal or even remotely close. Right. I am just going to do some poking around. I am inclined to believe it was at the hotel. Worst part? It was in broad daylight, and I have security escorting me. I never dreamed I would need to have security standing around the car like I saw downtown. (That was a Bugatti, so I understand.) I should have used the car service and not bothered with driving.

I hope everyone is doing well, though. I am on a hiatus, but I had to post this. If I have time, I will update about everything else. Still trying to smile in the face of adversity. Not exactly panning out right now.
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  #842  
Old 06-03-2014, 08:30 PM
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Well that stinks. Did the burglar manage to lift anything of value? (I hope not ...)

Bums me out that your trip to the States tanked.
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  #843  
Old 06-09-2014, 03:43 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Default Houston...We Have a Problem

I am happy to be home. I could not wait to get away from Houston. I made it until Thursday night, and I hopped on a flight to LAX and by 12 AM, I was on the way back to Stralia. In all seriousness, I wanted to leave the same night it happened, but that would not have been the most professional of moves.

My host and I had a free afternoon to explore the city. We had a really good day at work, and she was the best person for me to shadow. We went to a couple of stores and spots in the city that are well-known by residents. We found somewhere to eat for lunch, and it was maybe 15 minutes away. We thought it was a safe place because security was driving around and cameras were visible from every angle. We went to this shopping/entertainment centre that featured an IMAX, cinema, restaurants, stores, etc. and browsed. I had never heard of most of the restaurants there, so we randomly picked one. While we were eating lunch, someone broke into the car. It was not immediately noticeable. I did not realise she had left anything of value in the car. When I travel, I keep it light. I have my licence and another form of picture identification, insurance cards, two credit cards, mobile, insurance card, and currency of that country. Those things are always on my body, and I only carry a clutch to dinner that never leaves the table or my lap. Generally, I wear my passport around my neck and tucked into my top. Oh no moment? She left her handbag in the car under the seat, and I was unaware. The purse alone was worth a bit under $2,000. Her tablet and some other devices were inside. To make matters worse, the perpetrator attempted to use three of her cards at petrol stations. The officer said thieves do that to see if the cards are valid, have funds, and/or have not been blocked, yet. Two of the numerous attempted transactions were actually approved.

After we left lunch, we went straight to my hotel. The vehicle was still locked when we approached it, and the hotel was not far away. She discovered it when we got back to my hotel, and she was transferring her bags to her car. I kept saying, "We need to call the police." I was in Forensic Files-CSI-Criminal Minds mode, and thinking, "The handle needs to be dusted. What if he/she/they touched the paper sitting on the console? We need ninhydrin!" I was looking at the handle that was damn near falling off. I saw where some instrument was entered into the keyhole because it left a mark in the metal. I was thinking, "This is a tall vehicle, and he/she/they were in the driver's seat and likely touched the steering wheel when they got in." Houston was hot as Satan's balls, so I highly doubt they wore gloves.

It was a mess for the first five hours. She refused to call the police, and she said they would not do anything because they have millions of residents in the city. I finally convinced her to at least file an incident report because she was the victim of identity theft. This was after she had to cancel every card, freeze accounts, add access codes, change passwords, etc. It was a multi-hour process, and I was gutted and uneasy the whole time. The good thing is one of her banks alerted her when suspicious activity was suspected.

We later retraced our steps, contacted the security at every place we went, and they were kind enough to give us minute by minute playbacks. One store even described what we were wearing in great detail--down to my shoe designer. I did not sleep at all the first night. I was paranoid as hell. My mind was thinking, "This person or these people were bold enough to step inside of a petrol station and attempt to enter a pin. What if they decide to go to her home because they had her licence with her address on it?" I was seriously worried about her, but I am keeping in contact and doing as much as I can from my side of the world. She has been keeping me informed, and she does have an investigator assigned to the her case. The last I heard--which was a few hours ago--she spoke with the security at the shopping centre we were at, and a lady in security told her that she needed to forward her name and number to the investigator on the case, so that he could come by and pick up the footage. I do hope they found something.

My first, last, and only trip to Houston, Texas. Unless I am on a stopover, I can honestly say I will never step foot in that city again. I usually love visiting the States, but last week has me rethinking the decision to holiday there during my girls' next term break.
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  #844  
Old 06-09-2014, 05:49 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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And the rest...

Kensi and I are on solid ground. We get on well. She knows that a romantic future will never happen between us again, and she has been respectful of my wishes and requests. We talk and text every day. She has committed to earning my trust back, and we both know that it will take time. I am not as forgiving as my husband is or even forgiving as I once was.

It is not uncommon for us to meet-up at a bakery and have tea and indulge. I do not mind hugging her or any physical contact. I have warmed up to her, and if things continue to go well, she will have a place in my life. I have not carved out what the friendship will look like. I am playing it by ear.

We are slowly reconnecting on social media. We follow each other on Instagram. I have no pictures of my children on Instagram, so I do not have a problem with her following me or commenting on pictures. It is a civilised friendship. I am remembering who she was and why I enjoyed her company. We all make shitty choices (check the last year of my posts), but people can change and realise their error of their ways. I do believe that is what has happened with her. She has done some maturing and growing up. I will never say anything bad about that.

My husband and my ex met face to face for the first time in almost a year. We met up for lunch at a new restaurant, and we were seated outside. I was pleasantly surprised by their exchanges. He gave her the chance to speak and formally apologise directly to him. He accepted the apology. She carefully selected her words. She knew not to ask about our children because that is a trigger and the start to a war. It was an intense conversation complete with tears on her end. He maintained a straight face. He asked her an arsenal of questions that only she had the answers to. My husband does not hold back. The conversation was productive, and I believe they both had the chance to hear one another out.

I am going to be presumptuous and say her apologising and the conversation were cathartic. I do not foresee them being cordial again, and as of now, he is not willing to renegotiate his boundaries regarding her. She is not welcome in our home, around our children, or even around him outside of controlled circumstances. It is not my place to push him to be around someone who makes him uncomfortable. Our home is our sanctuary, and no one should be able to come in and take away that peace and comfort. He does not want to be around her outside of circumstances that he can control. When he was done with the conversation, he excused himself and went to another part of the restaurant. He may have forgiven her, but he does not trust her or respect her. He agreed to the lunch with an agreement and understanding in place that she was not to make a scene, be disrespectful, or cause any kind of attention to be directed at our table.

I have agreed to seek therapy with her. I cannot commit to sitting in a therapist's office during the week, as my schedule is on lock from 3-11 Monday-Friday and all day Saturday. I can give maybe 50-75 minutes on a Sunday afternoon, and it might have to be via video chat. I am happy that our friendship is blossoming and healthy.

Other stuff...

My best friend is having a hard time just being platonic friends with me. It would not be as bad if she was not in the same city right now. When there is an ocean separating us, who cares about the missing PDA? There is no more holding hands, kissing, cuddling, or any non-sexual/romantic interactions. That has been our dynamic since our break-up in 1999. We have always maintained the flirty, non-sexual girlfriend dynamic, and in one of my previous posts, I decided that the conduct was unbecoming and disrespectful to my spouse. Our friendship is in a transition stage. We have been friends for 30+ years, and we will weather this storm. Our recent interactions have been strained, and I rather hate it. I know she is in love with me. I am trying to be sensitive to the fact that she is grieving for what will never be. It has to be hard to know that all someone can offer is friendship even though you are in love with them. I want our friendship to survive this change.

I have moments where I miss what we had and feel guilty about changing it. It was not hurting anyone, but I also feared that my husband was just rolling with it because it was in place before I met him like it was a package deal. Obviously a tonne has changed between us and in our marriage, and my belief is that certain behaviours must change to reflect that. The non-sexual dynamic with her was the last active tie to poly, and I cannot say, "I am giving up x and y, but I am going to keep doing z." I just hope that I made the right decision.

I am back in therapy. I have been dealing with a lot emotionally, and I was drowning. My marriage and the relationships with my children are the only places of nirvana. I am dealing with the situation with my best friend. I have a tonne on my plate. I have mummy guilt to the extreme, and it has evolved into a maternal depression. Privately, I could cry at the amount of time I missed with my children because of my choices. I have never detailed how we did poly parenting, but I read two or three recent threads on here that made me think about it. My children never slept at my ex's home. My husband would not back down, and he absolutely refused to let our children bounce between homes to suit my selfishness or fantasies about equality and co-parenting. He said our children were never going to be suitcase babes. He made it clear that stability and routines were going to be established. He made no secret that no one--even me--was going to infringe on the little amount of bonding time he had with them. He refused to be treated like a parent with visitation to his own children. As a result, whenever I slept over at my ex's house, my children were never there. The catch-22 was he got sick and tired of her always being in our home and steadily infringing on his time with them. Her coming to our home was the solution to him not wanting our children to leave our home. I could never admit this before, but it was incredibly selfish to my children. Their father is their father, and it was wrong of me to minimise the amount of time he had with them and give that time to someone else. Right now, it makes me upset when my time is cut with them, and he dealt with that crap for the first four years of one child's life and the first nine of the second child's life. I now understand his argument. He only has 6-10 to spend with them every night, and I have to spend time with them, too. That is four measly hours out of 24. With the way I was doing things before, those four hours were shared among three "parents" because I had to bond with them when I was home, too. I am sure a child psychologist would want to shake me and ask what the bloody hell was wrong with me?

I may do another post on poly parenting and the pitfalls for us because I do not want anyone to ever make the mistakes that I did. It is not worth it when your child ends up screaming in another language when her ex-mummy's name is mentioned. It is not worth it when said child asks that all pictures of that ex-parental figure be removed. It is not worth it when your spouse stops trusting your decision making regarding what is best for your children. It is not worth it when you sink into maternal depression that is crippling and has you feeling like the worst parent in the world. It is damn sure not worth it when you are told by a professional that you need to learn who your children are and bond with them because you were gone too much to know who they are. Oh, that makes you feel like mummy of the year.

I have learned, and I will never make the same mistakes again. I am too busy living in the shadow of my mistakes to even think about making new mistakes.

I hope everyone is well. I have not really been up to posting, but it is good to vent from time to time. I am hanging in there. This too shall pass. I will get back to the point of smiling in the face of adversity. Right now, I have to fix myself because I am admittedly broken internally right now, but I will rise from the ashes and be stronger, wiser, and better than before. Here is to rebuilding.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 06-09-2014 at 05:52 AM.
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  #845  
Old 06-09-2014, 06:27 PM
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
There is no more holding hands, kissing, cuddling, or any non-sexual/romantic interactions. That has been our dynamic since our break-up in 1999. We have always maintained the flirty, non-sexual girlfriend dynamic, and in one of my previous posts, I decided that the conduct was unbecoming and disrespectful to my spouse.
I think this is something you need to talk over with Matt. While there may be a point where certain PDA can step over the line and become disrespectful to your spouse, it doesn't necessarily mean that all of it is or that Matt feels the same way. I spent 20 years holding myself back, censoring myself around people and keeping my distance, because "I" thought that was how a wife "should" behave. It was extremely destructive to myself, and kept me from having any true friends for a very long time. I also think my marriage suffered from it.

You think you tend to go overboard and start crossing lines, come up with some kind of code that Matt can let you know when he thinks you might be getting close to that line. From what I have read here, you are a person that needs that touchy/feely connection with people. This is not wrong! You have been used to one extreme and right now you have swung towards the complete opposite, now it's time to start looking for the better middle ground.
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  #846  
Old 06-09-2014, 06:34 PM
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I have learned, and I will never make the same mistakes again.
We all have those stories, including ones that haunt our dreams and it's usually regarding the first child (but not necessarily). My mom, has apologized to me more than once about the mistakes she made with me and learned better once my brother came along. This is without adding the postpartum depression (postnatal I think you called it) on top of everything.
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  #847  
Old 06-09-2014, 08:25 PM
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Re: your Houston ordeal ... I can sure relate. I'll never forget the time my wife and I went to the theater (which was unheard-of for us) to see "The Two Towers" when it came out, had this lovely time watching the movie, and then exited the theater to find the back window of our car smashed in, with the brick used to smash it sitting on the back seat.

That's really scary that they got your host's driver's license. Crikey, she should actually consider moving to a new domicile so as to get a new address! I sure hope they catch the burglar that did it.

Re: the Kensi files ... it's astonishing that Matt was willing to meet with her at all, and while relations remain strained, at least y'all established that she and he can (under the right circumstances) converse civilly without causing a scene. I'm glad that worked out.

It's cool that you are building a new friendship with her and getting some counseling to help. Sort of like getting closure on the situation.

Re: your best friend ... can you tell her that you're only turning down the offer for romance because you want to be monogamous with Matt? Perhaps that would help her feel better, like she wouldn't feel like it was something about her personally that you were rejecting.

I seem to recall that Matt was relatively okay with you warming up to her, in contrast to how he feels about Kensi. Like SNeacail said maybe you and she can at least have an extra warm friendship (with extra hugs)?

Re: your regrets about being a bad mum ... like SNeacail said we all have things we regret; Lord knows I do and I don't even have any kids. I handled poly totally the wrong way when I first started getting into it, and that's just one of my many regrets. I am glad you are getting therapy for the guilt feelings, and hope you can get some healing and self-forgiveness.

We can't turn back the clock and we can't scry into the future, so focus on the present and on being the best mum you can be in the here and now. I have a brother who's in prison and Lord knows he regrets his mistakes -- yet he has learned to transform prison life into a wondrous stage of personal growth. He is not a bad person, he just has hang-ups he needs to overcome and big mistakes that he has to pay for. I have learned that we all need a second chance. We all have our weak areas.

There's a certain excellent YouTube: Stephanie Snyder on "Learning to Live." The overall message I got from it is: Embrace the dark, broken part/s of yourself. Don't run from it. Don't try to hide from it. Don't lie about it. Don't hide it from others. Admit that you're a screw-up, and that that's ... okay. Examine your weaknesses so as to understand yourself better as a whole person, not just as a "conveniently edited" person. Humans are both naturally good and bad inside (but ultimately good at the very core). You have to be able to embrace the bad in order to get to the good. Vision of one's worth and purpose in life lies just on the other side of the very thin line that divides vision from shame. So if you are feeling ashamed for any reason, you're probably closer to enlightenment than you realize. Don't hate yourself; just learn from yourself, and be completely honest about all of who you are.

Seems to me like you're already on the right track.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #848  
Old 06-09-2014, 11:21 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I think this is something you need to talk over with Matt. While there may be a point where certain PDA can step over the line and become disrespectful to your spouse, it doesn't necessarily mean that all of it is or that Matt feels the same way. I spent 20 years holding myself back, censoring myself around people and keeping my distance, because "I" thought that was how a wife "should" behave. It was extremely destructive to myself, and kept me from having any true friends for a very long time. I also think my marriage suffered from it.
We have talked about it, and his response has continued to be very vague. Something similar to, "I cannot tell you who to have contact with. Your life and your decision. I trust your judgement." At the very least, he was tolerant because it started before him. I cannot get him to admit how he feels now after all the changes. In all the years I was with my ex, he never once told me to leave her. Privately, he knew it was toxic situation, but he kept quiet because of that whole autonomy bullshit. He has it in his brain that speaking out against something he disapproves of regarding me/my life is somehow infringing on my right to be in control of what I do. If I could make him believe that it is okay to have an opinion and voice regarding my life, it would be a great day.

Quote:
You think you tend to go overboard and start crossing lines, come up with some kind of code that Matt can let you know when he thinks you might be getting close to that line. From what I have read here, you are a person that needs that touchy/feely connection with people. This is not wrong! You have been used to one extreme and right now you have swung towards the complete opposite, now it's time to start looking for the better middle ground.
I stopped feeling comfortable with that behaviour. It was a poor reflection. I cannot present the image of a mono couple, if I am in public being affectionate and professing my love for someone else. It looks bad and like I am cheating. Even if he was truly okay with it, I am not comfortable with that type of contact with anyone but him now. I do not cuddle with other friends or go on dates with them. I have to treat her like other friends. I realise the love is mutual, but I cannot feed it. I have to ignore it because I was giving a false sense of something. I should probably ask my therapist how I should handle it.
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:06 AM
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I'm sure the vague response is because each situation is unique. Walking down the street arm in arm with your best friend may seem completely harmless to him, while if you did the same with someone else, it might set off triggers. I have good friends that I'm comfortable being much more touchy/feely with than others. I've stopped censoring that for myself, but my problem has never been being too touchy/feely, but the opposite. If your pulling away is causing a disconnect between the two of you, find a middle ground (less than it used to be, but more than your allowing yourself now). It seems like you may be super sensitive about the image you are trying to portray and your shutting down certain things that are just part of who you are. I don't think your best friend should be treated like all your other friends, because she's not, there is a whole different level of familiarity and respect and long term friendship. Definitely talk to your therapist, but also talk to both your best friend and your husband.

I'm not sure what you mean by go "on dates" with your best friend. Going out to dinner and/or a movie or whatever with just your best friend is normal best friend behavior.
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Old 06-10-2014, 12:24 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Re: your Houston ordeal ... I can sure relate. I'll never forget the time my wife and I went to the theater (which was unheard-of for us) to see "The Two Towers" when it came out, had this lovely time watching the movie, and then exited the theater to find the back window of our car smashed in, with the brick used to smash it sitting on the back seat.
Wow. People have no respect.

Quote:
That's really scary that they got your host's driver's license. Crikey, she should actually consider moving to a new domicile so as to get a new address! I sure hope they catch the burglar that did it.
I do hope so. I hope she moves or increases the amount of security.

Quote:
Re: the Kensi files ... it's astonishing that Matt was willing to meet with her at all, and while relations remain strained, at least y'all established that she and he can (under the right circumstances) converse civilly without causing a scene. I'm glad that worked out.
I was impressed by how they conducted themselves. It was quite apparent that he has no respect for her. He managed to keep it respectful.

Quote:
It's cool that you are building a new friendship with her and getting some counseling to help. Sort of like getting closure on the situation.
I am happy that we are seeking therapy. If it will help us close out the past and rebuild on new ground, I am okay with that. I saw her this morning for a workout session. Ironically, she is fast becoming a confidante. I can appreciate her unbiased opinions regarding certain situations in my life. Her perspective is refreshing and always leaves me with something to think about.

Quote:
Re: your best friend ... can you tell her that you're only turning down the offer for romance because you want to be monogamous with Matt? Perhaps that would help her feel better, like she wouldn't feel like it was something about her personally that you were rejecting.
She was always aware that my plan was to be mono with him. I told her that last year. I still continued carrying our pseudo relationship the same. Nothing changed between us. In all seriousness, it was a non-sexual relationship without a formal title. It was presented as us being friends only, but the inner workings, care, communication, and maintenance were that of a romantic relationship. I never desired her in a sexual way again, but I was quite fond of the romantic interactions. The only reason we were not in a full blown/co-primary or secondary relationship was the distance. In a sense I can understand her grieving what has changed. We are transitioning, so a period of adjustment is to be expected.

Quote:
I seem to recall that Matt was relatively okay with you warming up to her, in contrast to how he feels about Kensi. Like SNeacail said maybe you and she can at least have an extra warm friendship (with extra hugs)?
He was supportive of me starting a formal relationship with her, but I was always suspicious of him suggesting that after everything we had been through. He trusts and respects her. He knows she has nothing to gain by wrecking our marriage and family. She has her own spouse and children. Aside from that, she lives in the States, so his supportive stance was that she would not be involved in the day to day affairs. Our children know her as Aunt B and their godmother, so he has no issue with her spending time with them. She took them to lunch and to the movies over the weekend. He happily sent them off. Every facet is a stark contrast between the two relationships. For example, I could have a dinner date with her, and he would enquire about it after. With Kensi, silence and no interest.

We shook hands yesterday, and she was like, "I have been downgraded to handshakes? Not even a hug?" I felt terrible. It left a bad taste in my mouth because though she laughed it off, I think it hurt her feelings. That was not my intent.

Quote:
Re: your regrets about being a bad mum ... like SNeacail said we all have things we regret; Lord knows I do and I don't even have any kids. I handled poly totally the wrong way when I first started getting into it, and that's just one of my many regrets. I am glad you are getting therapy for the guilt feelings, and hope you can get some healing and self-forgiveness.
I experienced a taste of this last year, but it subsided. I have had no such luck this time around. I was hoping it would vacate the premises, but it did not. Unlike the PND after my son's birth, I knew I needed help.

Quote:
We can't turn back the clock and we can't scry into the future, so focus on the present and on being the best mum you can be in the here and now. I have a brother who's in prison and Lord knows he regrets his mistakes -- yet he has learned to transform prison life into a wondrous stage of personal growth. He is not a bad person, he just has hang-ups he needs to overcome and big mistakes that he has to pay for. I have learned that we all need a second chance. We all have our weak areas.
You are absolutely right. I am not sure what the trigger was this time, but I was fine for the longest and like a bolt, it struck me down. Mummyhood is in shambles right now. I envy what he has with our two younger children. I know relationships ebb and flow, but it bothers me that they both gravitate towards him. I know it will not always be like that, but it does nothing for my confidence in my parenting skills when my child tells me she would rather spend time with him or do certain activities with him because she did them with him when I was "always gone." I know she does not mean to throw salt in the wounds, but comments like that do hurt. I swear my child is harbouring some resentment towards me. She hates Kensi. She swears up and down that Kensi is the reason I was unavailable to her, and nothing we have said has been able to change that. My therapist wanted to talk to her, but I was not comfortable with her being in therapy at her age. We might need to reconsider. If she was older, I would say she had it out for me and wanted to hurt me intentionally. I expect to experience this with the oldest. Not a five year old.

Quote:
There's a certain excellent YouTube: Stephanie Snyder on "Learning to Live." The overall message I got from it is: Embrace the dark, broken part/s of yourself. Don't run from it. Don't try to hide from it. Don't lie about it. Don't hide it from others. Admit that you're a screw-up, and that that's ... okay. Examine your weaknesses so as to understand yourself better as a whole person, not just as a "conveniently edited" person. Humans are both naturally good and bad inside (but ultimately good at the very core). You have to be able to embrace the bad in order to get to the good. Vision of one's worth and purpose in life lies just on the other side of the very thin line that divides vision from shame. So if you are feeling ashamed for any reason, you're probably closer to enlightenment than you realize. Don't hate yourself; just learn from yourself, and be completely honest about all of who you are.
Thank you for the link. I will check it out.

Quote:
Seems to me like you're already on the right track.
I hope so.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 06-10-2014 at 03:06 AM.
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