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Old 06-09-2014, 05:29 PM
Sigyn Sigyn is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: farm, middle of nowhere
Posts: 27
Question Husband in love -- Poly could happen, but grieving.

My husband recently fell in love with another woman. She's a sweetie, and this experience has done wonderful things for our relationship -- we're more open, more receptive, and more certain of how solid our relationship is. And the sex has been better. I'm very aware of human biology, and he's right on schedule: our infant son has just become ambulatory, leaving our nomadic arms free, so his offspring will probably survive without him now, and he can find a new mate. But because we aren't semi-humanoid apes, and we have pre-frontal lobes, we can make decisions as to how we want our life to be, and polyamory makes sense in a lot of logical ways. He has no control over dopamine and norepinephrine spikes, and all I can supply him with is oxytosin, and even our son can do that.

Also, she might not even want anything to do with us, and we both accept and respect that. But regardless of whether or not anything happens with "Sweetie," regardless of whether or not I'm from now on going to be either making room in my life for a new intense social interaction, or holding my husband's head as he cries on my shoulder because he's been rejected, I'm experiencing something Right Now that I recognize, and hate.

I'm grieving. I haven't lost my husband or his love. But the vaguely open relationship we had before (getting laid is okay, but come home,) which was frankly a situation we've only faced a couple of times before (we don't go hunting for mates -- we're mostly happy at home) has changed to a potentially polyamorous one, and I find myself grieving. What we had is gone, and will never come back. It's not her fault, it's not his, but I'm grieving for it, and it bothers me. I recognize grief -- I felt it when I tried to break up with my first husband (we got back together when his problems eased up) and again when he died, so I know what grief feels like, and this is it.

So what do I do? He's offered to never do anything with her, sincerely, but that wouldn't solve this, and part of me is very excited about the possibility, and happy about the new, deeper relationship I now have with him. But I wonder if any other polys have had this. Without jealousy, without hatred, without any thought that this might be a mistake, part of me is miserable, and I'm ticked off about it.

Also, my own biology is kicking in. I find myself snipping, which biologically is sound -- if he's spending time and resources on another woman, my best bet as a nomadic hunter-gatherer is to clear the path for a new potential suitor, so I should drive him away.

You know, being logical sucks. You know why you're doing something, but that doesn't mean you can stop doing it.

Anyway, has anyone else suffered grief without jealousy during the start of a going-from-semi-monogamy-to-polyamorus relationship? Is this just me?
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biology, grief, new relationship

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