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  #11  
Old 06-05-2014, 03:38 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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For us it came down to time-frames...adding a new person into the mix ripples through all of the relationships in the polymath, and there can be the NRE to deal with/get through (or enjoy - for those who like that phase). Dude didn't start actively looking for a new partner until we had been together for 2 years. We he (and me and MrS) started seeing Lotus, she asked for a "temporary closing" (of the her, me, Dude Vee/triad) while we got to know each other and settle into the "new normal."

Sounds, to me, that you have never really taken the idea of more partners off the table...and two years in to your relationship with your boyfriend seems like things should be fairly stable by now. From the "teasing" it does sound like their (unstated) expectations don't match up with your (unstated) agreements. It's certainly time for a conversation to bring all that out in the open! That being said - there is no rush to ACT. You could choose to hold off on the conversation with your husband until he is back...3 months from now.

ORr you could choose to begin the conversation now, to give him time to think on it..."Honey, at some point when you get back I'd like to have a good conversation about our expectations around the possibility of meeting/dating/entering relationships in the future. No rush, I just wanted to let you know that it's something that I've been thinking about - what "poly" means to me/us, and what that will look like in the future. I'm going to talk to BF about this too...as I think he may have some expectations that need to be addressed. I'll keep you posted..."

I probably wouldn't talk to one without also talking to the other...or your thoughts/conversations will seem like a "done deal" to the one that wasn't "in the loop" - but that's just how I view it. I think being able to bounce the ideas around "Hey, so-and-so said that they felt this way...do you feel that way too?" - so everyone is involved in the conversation-in-progress.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #12  
Old 07-21-2014, 05:31 AM
younglove younglove is offline
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So, a little bit of time has passed since I was here last with this question.

With the jokes, they were actually always in my favor and never negative. In a way I think they have opened the dialogue up a little bit. I have talked to my boyfriend and my husband a little bit more about the situation and presented the idea that we will talk about it more officially and together when he [husband] gets back.

One thing is that I do need to be aware of my polysaturation - and I am about to start a new job and move to a new home, and I also found out a close family member is ill - So I do need to be cautious about taking on another partner just from that alone.

I think from the conversations I have had with them thus far, that they are mostly concerned with the time they'll get to spend with me. They each view it as "half time" right now with the 7th day of the week being a "me day" and are worried that a new partner will afford them considerably less time. I presented the idea that a new partner would take on the role of a secondary since my husband and boyfriend are both very primary and I can really only handle two primary relationships and as of right now the potential 3rd person I have in mind now I am completely comfortable with it being a secondary relationship.

I do wish I was more free to choose the number of partners I have and test out if I want to pursue relationships there... Although, I generally take a long time being friends with people before it gets too far.. and it's also very important to me that my husband and boyfriend meet potential partners and get a sense of if hes a good person/nice guy etc..

But once they've met them and like them - I would like to more freely explore if I would want to pursue a relationship. Right now, I am in this awkward stage of liking a friend (which I have told everyone involved that I like him) where I can't really step over the forbidden "line" of "more than friends" and I am wondering if I will necessarily *want* to pursue a relationship with this person or not still. I almost feel like if that line is ever lifted, that there will be this awkward "now we can!" stage that I wish wasnt there and instead things could happen more naturally.

I guess I just don't like the feeling that I cannot pursue my feelings for someone just yet (or possibly at all) because of previous assumed limits. And I am also worried that my husband and boyfriend are going to really disagree with time being their reason. My husband in a way said that he would prefer if he met someone first before I dated another person - which I said is keeping score and unfair - but he said it's not keeping score he just doesnt want to be alone even more of the time.
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  #13  
Old 07-21-2014, 11:58 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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While I understand your feeling that your bf (and perhaps husband) may be giving you the vibe that you should not date others, I think you also need to consider the..., the depth of the relationships you seek.

Right now, you have two very deep and smooth relationships with your husband and bf. You might be able to add a FWB without affecting the depth of those two relationships, but if you go adding a 3rd with the same expectation of depth, time is a limiting factor. You may actually ending up sacrificing the depth and smoothness you currently share with your two primary partners for that 3rd relationship. There is no way you can add another partner and not affect the other two - just because of the time factor.

I mean suppose your husband and bf both support you having others, that is still no assurance that the relationships will not suffer due to time constraints. You go from spending 3 days a week with each to 2 days a week with husband, bf, and new partner. So the equation becomes how much time is necessary to maintain the depth and smoothness you enjoy now?

I ask these questions not out of concern that your partners might suffer, but out of concern that YOU might be cheating yourself of the depth and smoothness you now have. Sometimes, it is difficult to see that we may want to choose to limit ourselves when we feel others are trying to make the choice for us.

Only you know the answer.
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  #14  
Old 07-21-2014, 12:33 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Why do they believe that your friendship with this other person would take time away from them only if it turned sexual/romantic? Don't you ever spend time with this person and other friends? If you do, then any time you spend with platonic friends takes time away from them too (as if they own your time to begin with). Going out on a date with someone your romantically involved with wouldn't be much different than going to a movie with a friend.

I think the time issue is possibly an excuse to cover up other issues, or is wrapped up in whatever beliefs they have about what kinds of commitments you would "have to" make in an additional romantic relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by younglove View Post
I guess I just don't like the feeling that I cannot pursue my feelings for someone just yet (or possibly at all) because of previous assumed limits. And I am also worried that my husband and boyfriend are going to really disagree with time being their reason. My husband in a way said that he would prefer if he met someone first before I dated another person - which I said is keeping score and unfair - but he said it's not keeping score he just doesnt want to be alone even more of the time.
I think you need to keep reiterating that you live life on your terms and no one else's, and that they may not be fully understanding what having another relationship would entail for you. It is also not your responsibility to make sure your husband utilizes his time alone better. He could be going out and meeting people now if he wants. Limiting what you do won't make how he uses his time any different.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-21-2014 at 12:39 PM.
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  #15  
Old 07-21-2014, 04:12 PM
central central is offline
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I agree that you should pursue what is right for you regarding any new relationships, subject to your ability to handle them. Remember that making any changes or additions creates a dynamic situation. This may affect your current partners in unpredictable ways even when discussed in advance, as feelings can change. They are also free to decide what is in their own best interests, and in some scenarios (perhaps not yours, but other people in their arrangements) may decide that the arrangement no longer works for them.
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  #16  
Old 07-21-2014, 04:27 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by central View Post
They are also free to decide what is in their own best interests, and in some scenarios (perhaps not yours, but other people in their arrangements) may decide that the arrangement no longer works for them.
Agreed. You are free to do what you like but there are repercussions that you have to be willing to accept. If the husband and bf aren't getting the time that they've become accustomed to it could change the entire dynamic of the relationship.
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  #17  
Old 07-22-2014, 09:47 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Would you be willing to give up your "me day" in order to have one day a week with a secondary partner while your primary partners each still get three days a week with you?
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