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  #51  
Old 05-29-2014, 04:30 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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@LoveBunny: I really like your definitions, TheKnight and I spent some time talking about them last night in the "trying to figure out what we wanted out of future relationships" sense, since things are very much in flux with our lives right now.
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  #52  
Old 05-29-2014, 08:08 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Thanks, @Icesong! Glad it helped.
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  #53  
Old 06-03-2014, 10:15 PM
GreenMom GreenMom is offline
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Lately I've had to do a lot of thinking and discussion with partners about labels and semantics. I've decided I really, really dislike them. But I guess I can see how they are necessary.

I have two fwb's. Both are very different relationships. One is a man I was in a relationship with for 9 months who decided he wasn't comfortable labeling what we had as a secondary relationship anymore. The other is a man that I see maybe once a month, we hang out a bit as friends and sleep together. They are very different dynamics but I have to use the same label since I'm not "dating" either of them. Confusing and frustrating to me! I wish I could throw out labels altogether.
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  #54  
Old 06-03-2014, 10:51 PM
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Ah, but every word (in every language) is a label of sorts -- a symbol of something. And, language tends to be squishy and organic. A particular word can mean various things depending on point of view and context. It's kind of a pain to sort that out, but, languages (words) do also perform amazing services for us in the way of making (much more) communication possible. We put up with the misunderstandings that can crop up for the sake of the understandings that can evolve in the end.

Poly/non-monogamous jargon is especially hard to pin down. There's a lot of disagreement about what this or that word means (as well as when and why). Labels can serve as convenient shortcuts, but they must be used wisely and appropriately, at times when they will clarify rather than add a layer of mystery (sometimes even contention) to what we're saying.

It's interesting to hear an example of how wide a range of possible meanings there can be for "friends with benefits." Things that make you go hmmm ...
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  #55  
Old 06-04-2014, 11:28 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Last night, I was talking with a man I'd just met and things got flirty. Eventually, we acknowledged our attraction to each other and I told him I want "a lover, not a boyfriend." I then asked him if he knew what the difference is, and he said no. We wound up having a good conversation about relationships and expectations. So, the labels did serve as a starting point toward understanding each other.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #56  
Old 06-04-2014, 06:07 PM
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Right; labels do serve their purpose (in the right setting).
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  #57  
Old 03-28-2015, 10:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Dear Meera, and anyone else who enjoys having FWBs, I would like an opinion.

I was contacted recently by someone on OKC who is in an open marriage. I asked him if there are any rules his wife and he have that would affect me. In his reply, he told me:
  • They don't have rules about what either one of them can say or do with others.

  • They do have rules about how frequently they can see their lovers, which amounts to approximately once every couple of weeks or so;

  • They don't allow each other to have overnight stays with anyone, but don't have restrictions on how late they can stay out (which kind of seems a bit of a contradiction to me);

  • They only see their lovers on weeknights, as weekends are reserved for each other and their family (they have kids at home); and

  • They consider themselves open, not poly, so they also try to limit any "emotional intensity" that could arise.
He told me that he is not interested in casual, meaningless sex, but he does not want to fall in love with anyone else. He basically said that, although he dislikes the term, a "friend with benefits" is really what he's looking for, and he described that as someone he genuinely likes as a person, with whom he enjoys conversing, spending time together, and having sex.

I don't exactly like that they try hard to keep deeper feelings at bay. However, possibly more annoying is the "no overnights" and "no weekends" rules. Yet, if I really take a look at what I want in my solo poly life and how much time I actually have to spend with any lover, the way in which he and his wife conduct their open marriage isn't completely far off from what I am okay with. I've never felt like having limited time with someone due to his familial obligations is necessarily a problem, as long as I am not ignored or shuffled aside, but my only requirement would be that his wife doesn't attempt to control my relationship with him.

I'm interested in meeting him to see if there is a spark. I feel that, as long as I have other lovers with whom I can enjoy a deeper connection, and I feel respected and valued in his life, I think that it could possibly work to be in this kind of FWB arrangement, but I would like some opinions to see if I am missing something. Thanks.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-28-2015 at 10:35 PM.
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  #58  
Old 03-28-2015, 11:01 PM
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I would just ask for clarification on that one rule, "They don't allow each other to have overnight stays with anyone, but don't have restrictions on how late they can stay out."

And you'd have to be prepared to back out of the relationship if either of you started falling in love. Which isn't necessarily a deal breaker but for some people it might be.
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  #59  
Old 03-29-2015, 12:06 AM
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HappilyFallenAngel HappilyFallenAngel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
He told me that he is not interested in casual, meaningless sex, but he does not want to fall in love with anyone else. He basically said that, although he dislikes the term, a "friend with benefits" is really what he's looking for, and he described that as someone he genuinely likes as a person, with whom he enjoys conversing, spending time together, and having sex.
What this man is offering sounds exactly what you were expressing interest in when this thread began.

I have a FWB who I met on OKC last July and am really enjoying how easy and un-intense it is compared to a BF type of relationship. We don't have a rule about feelings, but I don't get the sense that either of us is going to "fall" into anything here. We just enjoy and let it go at that. I had never experienced a true FWB relationship until him and now I get what all of the fuss is about - I really like this kind of relationship.

You say it perfectly that, "as long as I have other lovers with whom I can enjoy a deeper connection, and I feel respected and valued in his life, I think that it could possibly work to be in this kind of FWB arrangement..." In my experience, when I feel respected and valued (not just by my FWB but by myself, as well) there is no lurking danger. I say - go forward, meet him, enjoy.
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Last edited by HappilyFallenAngel; 03-29-2015 at 01:33 AM.
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  #60  
Old 03-29-2015, 12:27 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Thanks for the feedback so far. I do like a lot of things he wrote about in his profile and in his messages to me. He is very, very smart, which is always a turn-on for me, and good-looking, and he didn't hesitate in answering my questions, and I feel he was being forthright. I do think there is potential here for something enjoyable. And well, having a cocktail and conversation together is just a cocktail and conversation. I just haven't been interested in anyone on OKC in such a long time, but I think it could be worth an evening out to see if we click.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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