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  #21  
Old 05-28-2014, 11:23 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Jesse,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It's unfortunate that the notion of polyamory receives so little support (or even tolerance) from the world at large. It's that lack of general support that makes Polyamory.com indispensable. You need to be able to connect and converse with other people who get polyamory and understand its value.

I hope you'll find the online support here that you need; explore and post additional thoughts and questions as the need/desire arises.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
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  #22  
Old 05-30-2014, 05:50 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Welcome to the Forum Jesse!


There has been some cleanup in the thread, so I'd like to remind everyone to review the guidelines, stay on the OP's topic, and try to get along and communicate in a productive, and respectful fashion...
you know...like people in poly relationships might do.
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  #23  
Old 05-31-2014, 06:23 AM
Jesse Jesse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
I was browsing through some old threads on this forum, and found this one: "Stop me if you've heard this one" - clichés we've heard from non-polys

Jesse, I hope you do not mind me posting this link in your intro thread... you are not alone with your problem!
That was a cool thread, Nadya, thank you.
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  #24  
Old 05-31-2014, 07:41 AM
Jesse Jesse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
they'd all laughed at her and said that there was nothing unusual about her. They'd all done that when they were young. Then it seems that for a lot of people a change comes. They seem to become more closed down, more worried about appearances. They often want marriage, children, they worry about their house and want a better car.
Interestingly enough, I've always thought I'd be a family man myself, ever since I was a teenager. I'd be willing to sacrifice quite a bit for the right partner, because I believe that parenthood requires a commitment that goes well beyond romance. It seems likely that my polyamorous nature, which only adds monographs to my heart rather than replace them in turn, has made it more difficult, and not easier, for me to settle down over time. If a family were all I wanted, I could have had it twenty years ago. I have failed to find a romance that doesn't also come with all the volatility, the jealousy and bitterness that result from my freely admitted indifference toward monogamy. There are other factors to my romantic failures, of course, but this is a major one, everpresent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
For the past few years I've been in a mono relationship with a man who identifies as poly and who thinks that everybody should have open relationships. I haven't asked him to change his views or made attempts to control him but what I have said is that if he wishes to live that way then he and I should switch our relationship back to one of friendship. I am only willing to deal with one romantic relationship in my life.
If everyone knew themselves as well as you do now, a lot of people would be a lot happier.
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  #25  
Old 05-31-2014, 09:59 AM
Jesse Jesse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Um, so isn't an ongoing conversation in a discussion thread exactly that - "progress?"
Some conversations don’t progress as well as others, but sure, of course. What I meant was that if a person can articulate internal conflict, that’s progress all by itself, and I'm always flattered to imagine I had something to do with it. I don’t always recognize it when I see it, but when I do, I try not to come down too hard on every bothersome element in the mix, unless it's one that doesn’t seem to be in motion, that I just have to try to dislodge by all means necessary.

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Many of us believe that the crux of polyamory isn't having multiple partners, it's accepting your partner(s) having other loves.
I don’t think any human being has ever said it better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I'm one of those people who absolutely see my liking for a bit of random and spontaneous sex, casual short term relationships and not quite boyfriend's as me exercising my freedom to form multiple simultaneous loving relationships with the consent of all involved.
Hmm, I think that helps me better understand what bothered you earlier, London. And now I’m curious. You speak of short, loving relationships. Some of my loving relationships are shorter than others, but it seems always to hurt me when we part. It can take weeks, or months, before I recover. Anyone who is seeing me romantically during this time would not be seeing me at my best.

If I may beckon you out a bit further, I would ask, what are partings like for you?

Last edited by Jesse; 05-31-2014 at 10:01 AM.
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  #26  
Old 06-01-2014, 10:24 AM
london london is offline
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Sucky. But they tend to be an acknowledgement that for whatever reason, our romantic relationship is no longer healthy and/or viable. That acknowledgement helps me be positive about a break up; we did the "right thing". I think that also helps us transition to another positive and fulfilling relationship model: friendship, with or without benefits.

There is a personal, autism related thing I struggle with in regards to break ups and that's to do with routine. When our romantic relationship ends, it usually means we won't see each other as much so my schedule will change. I find that difficult to cope with. This creates contention because I need to see them so as not to disrupt my schedule too much, they need space so they can get out of gf/bf mode and we can't really do both. I find I can accept that we aren't together any more for the right reasons so now we are friends and not have that period of awkwardness and feelings and stuff that the majority of neurotypical people seem to have.The kind of thing that leads to them needing space and stuff like that before they can engage in the friendship in a healthy fashion. It seems like the logic of our separation neutralises some of the devastation and it feels less like a bereavement and more like a lifestyle change.
How I've gone some way to solving that is by talking about this need I have whilst we are still together and perfectly happy so it isn't personal to them and then, if/when we do break up, we seem to keep in touch and I kind of "wean" myself off of them that way.

So, yeah, whilst a break up is sucky for me, it's more about how it affects my routine than ending a romantic relationship. It ended for a reason. Usually a good reason.



What I specifically meant by "exercising my freedom" to be polyamorous, opposed to polysexual, is that I can have several relationships and explore if any lead to the type of lifelong, emotionally and perhaps practically entangled relationship(s) many of us seek, regardless of our relationship style. If a personal preference or a partner who was effectively prohibiting me from having the freedom to firstly act on and then explore whether an instantaneous sexual connection I have with someone can develop into something "more", it would be hideously repressing.

Love can develop from the filthiest and most random sexual encounters.

Last edited by london; 06-01-2014 at 10:38 AM.
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