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Old 05-27-2014, 04:00 AM
Truelife Truelife is offline
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Default To meet or not to meet...


I am new to this forum and am looking for some advice and/or people's experience with meetin a lover's lover. I've been dating a guy for over 2 years. We've always had an open relationship in terms of dating other people. This has been on a DADT basis. The mix of people gas changed over the two years as has our level of emotional intimacy with one another.

He has recently started dating a new person. Where our relationship I'd (he and I) I would like to drop the DADT and actually meet this woman. I'm pretty sure that if he likes her, I will too. Also, I would like her and I to be on the same page in terms of him--we share, not compete. I of course have some occasional feelings of jealousy that I work through. He is very good about reassuring me and telling me that I have nothing to worry about.

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Old 05-27-2014, 08:31 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I'm not sure what kind of feedback you're looking for. Are you wondering how to tell him what you want? Or are you not sure that meeting your metamour is a good idea? I would say, you've been together for two years and presumably know each other well enough to be able to communicate with him about this. So, talk to him about it.

Why did you have a DADT agreement in the first place? Was there a specific reason?
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Old 05-27-2014, 09:28 AM
london london is offline
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The only thing I'd say is that it isn't guaranteed that you'll like her simply because he does. You see, if you meet her whilst you have that belief and then she isn't your kind of person, it's highly likely you'll conflate the fact that you and her aren't compatible for friendship or more with her being "bad" for your relationship.
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Old 05-27-2014, 10:57 AM
Truelife Truelife is offline
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 3

Thank you for your replies. I think I'm looking for other peoples experiences. I'm fairly new to the poly concept and haven't been "this" open about seeing other people. At first I didn't want to meet any metamours--now I feel like he and I are at an emotionally intimate place where I would feel comfortable. I also feel like we share so many intimate thoughts that when this isn't shared, it's putting up a giant wall.

The DADT was just the non-spoken rule at the beginning. He was already seeing someone when we met. We didn't know about polyamory at that time. Actually, my son introduced me to the concept!!

And yes, I realize I might not like her. I like most people! I'm hoping I can have the maturity to "see" this person with non-judgmental or jealous eyes.
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Old 05-27-2014, 09:16 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 303

So what I'm hearing you say is that:

1. You started out with a DADT policy.
2. At that stage it worked for you because you were on an initial level of intimacy.
3. Your relationship has now grown to a much deeper level of intimacy.
4. At this level of intimacy, you feel a need for more information and interaction, including knowing about and possibly meeting your partner's new partners.

Is that accurate? If not, let me know where I am off.

I can understand how if a person is impacting your partner's life, that can impact your life. Even if it's not about how it impacts you and it's only because you're interested in your partner's life you might want to know. Heck, just having to skip/avoid a particular subject (the new partner) might just be awkward when you're at a place where you share almost everything.

I definitely see where you are coming from. In my relationship, my partner and I end up talking about our different partners as if there's no barriers at all, except for confidentiality on certain subjects that should remain private. It has actually been a great coping mechanism for me to hear about my partner's dates, so that I don't go off into strange places in my mind. Or I don't go down the road of comparing myself to some nebulous other person.

That being said, I just have to say that you need to make sure your partner is on-board with it and you're not pressuring them for the information. And your partner should probably give the new person a head's up...as well as an assurance that confidential stuff will stay confidential.

Extrapolating this to an in-person meeting...is this something that would happen naturally...as in your partner and the new person were going to go to a movie and then you decide you'd like to go to...or is this making a bit of a formal event out of meeting the new one?

To me it seems that if it's the second...a planned/forced meeting...that's a bit dramatic and done out of curiosity and inquisitiveness about how you compare or what's going on in their relationship. Again, these can arise out of harmless reasons, but it makes me wonder if there's something in your own motivation you haven't discovered yet. Only you can decide this.
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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Old 05-27-2014, 10:15 PM
Truelife Truelife is offline
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Join Date: May 2014
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You are RIGHT ON THE MONEY with your assumptions.

I have searched myself to try and find 1.) what was potentially bothering me or making me a bit jealous and 2.) to see what other motivations there may be on my part. If nothing else, I am usually pretty self-aware. (so if there's something I'm missing, feel free to point it out and I'll consider it.)

What I discovered is that we are SO intimate emotionally, mentally (and yes, physically) that it is WEIRD to have a topic that is SO awkward. I would LOVE to ask him about his dates, but at the moment, she's an unknown and as you mentioned...in my mind, he could be dating the most gorgeous creature on the face of the Earth..gorgeous and smart and talented... well, you get my drift. One meeting will make her into a three dimensional person and not a figment of my (overactive) imagination.

Then there's the concept of compersion. That is a a totally new word and concept for me. THAT is where I want to go!! I am there for my partner in every way--except for his other relationships. I want to find joy in his finding joy....

If it's someone that's not going to stick around, I don't care to meet them. But if it is someone significant, I would like to meet.

Now...let's see if I stuck my foot in my mouth anywhere!?!?
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