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  #11  
Old 05-26-2014, 04:59 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by Lovewithus View Post
She also said she loves him, loves me but isn't in love with anyone nor does this mean she can't be in love with one or both of us at some point.
Do you know exactly what that means?

It sounds like you are very comfortable having conversations on this kind of level but, are you clear on what information is actually being exchanged? I ask that because I have exactly no idea what was just said. "love" but not "in love" is so vague as to be counter productive.

If you aren't clear on what is actually being said then I suggest moving toward more concrete concepts like "how much time will we spend together" and "how much information will we share about each others lives"... love is pretty but it's not exactly descriptive.

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Originally Posted by Lovewithus View Post
I'm new to the idea that you can love more than one person in a romantic way. I'm new to the idea that love and passion for another person is a person to person basis. I'm waiting to learn this way, expand my mind and thought process about love.
Check out Compersion, it is the word many of us use to describe feeling good about our partner experiencing joy with other partners.

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Originally Posted by Lovewithus View Post
I have a large heart and my love language is quality time. I'm literally relearning to love someone who has a very different way of showing love.
As I said before, love is quite simply not enough. This feeling of love is great (and torturous) but it isn't what makes relationships last in a healthy way. Common interests, compatible worldviews, compatible love languages, personality chemistry... these are things which make or break a relationship as they are concrete ideas which actually exist. Love is a catch-all phrase used to imprecisely encapsulate a range of hormonal responses and social assumptions.

She seems fiercely independent, which may or may not blend well with someone who has a high need for quality time. I had a recent relationship with a person who needed a great deal of reassurance and quality time but I (not unlike your gf) am not interested in communicating that way. I did my time, spent the energy I thought I needed to, but it made me totally miserable and just built resentment. At this point in my life if I discover I'm getting involved with someone who needs that from me I simply need to break it off.

I'm not trying to be a bummer, but this deck is really stacked against you getting what you want.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lovewithus View Post
Me and this guy don't speak but both know about each other. Is that normal and does that line ever get crossed?
Everyone does it differently. If you want that line to be crossed give him a call, if you don't then let it stay where it's at. Personally I prefer to let a metamour (this other guy is an example of your metamour) relationship develop or not as it organically seems to want to.
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  #12  
Old 05-26-2014, 05:30 PM
LovelyLady LovelyLady is offline
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Hi Lovewithus,

Let me first say, I get you. I am mono, but my man of 10 years is more fulfilled by more than one person in his life. It was very hard for me in the beginning as I wondered what I could do differently to be his everything. It took a lot of communication, sole searching and assessing my own needs to get to the place we are today. It's not easy, as if you look you will see that I have recently posted about my own jealousy/envy. From my perspective, although others may disagree, it never goes away but I did get better at handling it. Ultimately, you need to decide if you can be truly happy with someone who loves other men.

The other thing I have come to realize is that it's important to respect diversity of thought. While I understand why my partner needs other women in his life, it's not something I desire for myself. The perspectives you get on this forum will be mostly from the poly side. Think of it like the book Men are from Mars Women Are From Venus. The poly folks on the forum here are not attacking you, they are giving you a glimpse into their world. Use it as a gift.

Good luck as you navigate your way through. It is tough, but you will learn so much about yourself through the journey.
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  #13  
Old 05-26-2014, 05:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I'm trying to make up for a month of uncomfortable silence and distance she created by hiding that she found someone who she loved and vice versa.
If you lost some trust in her because of the secrecy isn't rebuilding that trust something you work on together?

Quote:
I was dealing with emotions but not about another living person. Was dealing with a death I should of faced a year ago.
That's a separate thing. I'm sorry for your loss.

Quote:
I'm new to the idea that you can love more than one person in a romantic way. I'm new to the idea that love and passion for another person is a person to person basis. I'm waiting to learn this way, expand my mind and thought process about love. I have a large heart and my love language is quality time. I'm literally relearning to love someone who has a very different way of showing love.
Perhaps you and she could look at love theory -- and use that to better pinpoint what it is you want in the way of "love" and what it is she can offer you? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

Some clarification there might be helpful.

You might also consider your personalities. If one is very super independent (call it a 1) and another is very super "do things together" (call it a 10) -- that's going to be a big gap to try to bridge. The independent person will feel stifled going one way and the together person will feel lonely going the other way. Where a person who is independent but more like a (3) and a person who likes to do stuff together but not necessarily lots like a (7) would have a smaller gap to bridge and might feel more comfortable doing it.

In the end it will boil down to are YOU getting your needs met here often enough to feel good? Is the way she expresses love meeting those needs?

Quote:
Idk, I hope this was more clear. I'm not looking for pity or to be over analyze... Just looking for a place to come when I'm needing help wrapping my head around some basic things (or it seems) to the people in this community.
Every polyship is DIY -- there is no standard operating procedure. It is up to the people in the polyship to decide and agree on what open model they want to practice and define the boundaries that helps them feel safe enough to carry on together.

If you are looking for info perhaps one of these helps:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

There's lots to read off those pages.

Quote:
I'll add one last thing. Me and this guy don't speak but both know about each other. Is that normal and does that line ever get crossed?
That's one way to go. Another is that you become friends. Again, this is all very DIY and up to the people participating and what they feel like. There is no "standard" model.

Galagirl
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