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  #21  
Old 05-12-2014, 10:28 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I love your updates. I always end up grinning like a Cheshire and aww'ing. I am glad you are doing well. I will post a more lengthy response later.
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  #22  
Old 05-12-2014, 11:17 PM
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BlackMagicBlonde BlackMagicBlonde is offline
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Sorry if this is so long as to seem like a threadjack, but your last posts really resonate with me.

This -

”The way that I handle being afraid, vulnerable, insecure, or upset has a tendency to lean towards BPD - I don't meet a great deal of the criteria, but in the way that I feel so deeply, and so intensely, I do.”

... is also me.

This -

”I used to Freak Out. Emotions would wash over me, envelop me and draw me down into the abyss of despair and terror. I had no concept of how to soothe myself out of that state when I would hit it; it manifested in all kinds of unhealthy ways starting in my mid teens. When I feel things like that now, I sit quietly and feel that emotion. I let it penetrate me and observe how I feel from a place of detachment and consciousness. I breathe, experience the flood of emotion, and self soothe. If I cannot shift it through acceptance, I go for a hike or a run...(or) something to draw me back into the physical realm and out of my head.”

...is also starting to be me.

And this -

”I give my gratitude and thanks to my ex. For forcing this part of myself up and out through both his natural state of being, and the choices that he made so many times that it became intolerable for me to not to grow as a human being. I know it was intolerable for him, and while I wish I had received more compassion and less frustration from him, I am glad that I didn't. If he hadn't have been him, I wouldn't be here, facing this with my fearless heart. The gratitude and love that I feel in my bones for him freeing me from this pattern in my life by drawing me into the depths of it is permeating every inch of me these days. What a beautiful teacher he has been in my life, and what an opportunity for real happiness I now have. The saddest way to get here? Yes. Love of my life? Gone. I miss him everyday, and that is okay. It's okay to learn through loss, and it's a beautiful part of the human experience to feel the intense, raw emotion that exists inside of the process of grief. To have loved like that is a gift that many people never get to experience, and if I allow myself to separate myself from that joy, all is lost.”

...is beautiful, good, heavy, real stuff.

And this -

”He talks about me as a whole person, accepting me as I come, and loving me just as I am. It is a beautiful gift, and we tumble into each other again, me bursting into tears at the sheer beauty of it more than once. By the time we curled into each other for sleep, my form planted firmly against the line of his body, the night was black and silent. He tucked his thumb into my fist, and the smile on my lips as I drifted off was as much for the love in my heart for my ex as it was for (him). That man held me so beautifully before sleep for years, and I am so happy to have a return to love inside of my heart for him again; letting go of sadness and pain and seeing only the beauty that was there between us, and the gifts that he has brought to my life sets us both free.”

...was so much like me curled next to J again recently, after years apart, even while there is still a river of heavy emotion and love coursing through me for Z.

Uugggghhhhh, gods... Such good feelings to know that there are people in the world and all across the spectrum who experience life/love(s) similarly and relate...

Thank gods for this forum.

“You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was (reading) that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, or who had ever been alive.”
― James Baldwin


Appreciate you sharing thoroughly and articulately as always, CBG
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  #23  
Old 05-13-2014, 09:13 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Thanks Ry: It was a pretty special and fun night. I had talked to Daith about needing things to be a little lighter between us, as I am doing so much internal work. He has responded like a champion and seems to know exactly where to put his feet when dancing with me in this crazy journey called life. Hasn't stepped on my toes much, which is saying something, as I am complex and particular. He knows how to spoil me, that's for damn sure.

BlackMagic: I am so glad that we've connected on here. The only thing that makes overwhelming emotion worse is feeling alone in it. There is so much beauty in the connectivity between human beings. One of my Gods, F. Scott Fitzgerald put it beautifully: “That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you're not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.” So from here to there, I tip my hat at you, and your beautiful heart. To love fiercely is a gift and a curse, and I continue to strive to see it as the former.

Skived off of work a little early to meet Petto and head to the river with the dogs. We're both itching to find a better spot, as the beach that we hang out at often gets other dogs and visitors. Our pack of dogs knows how to co-exist beautifully, but you put another in the mix and we have to stop talking to manage all of our canines. The warmth in the air had me wearing shorts for the first time this year, my shoulders kissed by the light, my hair blowing in the wind. Felt so good to be alive, in the company of a trusted friend, four legged friends darting around in glee. This is the rhythm of my life these days, and it is a beautiful thing.

Made a fancy dinner; starting to get my will to cook back. I have been keeping things really simple for a long time, and as my center returns, so does my love affair with all things food. I went to the store and bought everything that looked like summer, and made copious amounts of juice for visiting friends, big salads and hunks of juicy watermelon, these lovely little herbed turkey burgers topped with wilted spinach and mashed potatoes, served with a side of spicy gourmet mustard. I love getting creative with cooking in the heat; filling, but refreshing is always my goal.

Glass of wine, nice conversation on the phone with Daith, lots of texting with Viveka. She's leaving on a trip soon and wanted to connect with me and tell me that she loved me before she left. That woman. She's so good. Her and Daith met up in the city the other day; she had stuff she wanted him to give to me this weekend, and knew that he'd be away.

Cereb's house went on the market. I think that he's going to run away from it all. For real. He talked about living on a sailboat while we were at the top of a mountain the other day, and I took him pretty seriously. He's been literally getting rid of everything. It's a curious thing to stand in someone's house and there to be no furniture, no art, no belongings. Just empty rooms. He has the bare necessities, and even those seem to have been disappearing regularly as of late. He lives his philosophies in almost all ways, and it's kind of awe inspiring to witness. He reminds me a lot of my dad; super intelligent and incredibly eccentric, absolutely and completely unconcerned with the cogs of the machine of daily life.

The awkward reality of having fallen in love with Cereb seems to have landed in my lap as of last weekend - it just dawned on me all of a sudden and I couldn't stop giggling about it. It's all about his brain. I'm SUCH a sapiosexual. I am quite sure that I will manage to assimilate and morph it into a deeper friendship with him, but it's hilarious to see myself feeling smitten with him, grinning at him like an idiot. Daith doesn't mind and was glad that I talked about it with him; he has a lot of really close friendships with women and they don't bother me at all. I'm friends with them as well, and I think it's wonderful that they get to share in Daith's heart and beautiful integrity. He would NEVER do anything to hurt me, go behind my back, or lie to me. He respects me all the way down to my bones. He knows I compartmentalize the shit out of relationships, and that I have drawn a clear line in the sand around my physicality. It belongs to me, to Daith, and to Viveka. It's good.

Going for dinner and a long walk with an ex of mine tonight - we had a strange romantic friendship for two and a half years, and have settled into just friendship at my request. I found it frustrating to want to fuck her, and for her to only want the same when she had been drinking, which I always refused. Sober, or no - I'm not going to take someone's FF virginity when they're drunk, thanks. She's insanely intelligent, and is on the road to stardom, literally, in her career. We've had some lovely physicality between us, and I'm sure we'll continue to give each other back and foot rubs and have sleepovers. It's always strange to step back to zero physicality with someone that you have been intimately connected with.

Phone date with my bio-brother tonight. His adoptive father is very ill, and doesn't have much time. I'm due to spend time with him at the end of the month if everything pans out, but we need to talk and plan, and see if we can get our schedules to line up. I know he would love for me to meet his dad, and for his dad to get to meet me before he leaves this world. My heart goes out to him. The idea of my parents not being on this planet guts me to my core; I love them so much, and am so grateful for them giving me this precious gift of life.

More legal work today to finish things up with my ex. My god, the sheer volume of bureaucracy is insane! Everything just takes longer than you expect it to, but I have made peace with that aspect and just continue through the process. It always stirs up emotions for me, so I'm staying close to the ground today, and getting lots of work done.
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  #24  
Old 05-13-2014, 09:21 PM
icesong icesong is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryBlossomGirl View Post
It's always strange to step back to zero physicality with someone that you have been intimately connected with.
This is something I had never had to do before, and have struggled with and ultimately failed at this past month, though where things will end up is still a work in progress. Does it ever start to feel less weird?
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  #25  
Old 05-23-2014, 07:15 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Icesong: Your question prompted some really great material for my morning meditations as of late! Not just on how to leave behind physicality, but on how and why physical relationships are developed in the first place.

I have always been deeply curious about the nature of sexuality, and of the meat of desire. Given that all of my lovers have had the same capacity for connection and pleasure in the sexual realm, it reminds me that any two (or more) people could potentially fit together. Given that I am not someone who is overly hung up on packaging, I have had a wide variety of physical manifestations of desire. Female or male no longer separates or divides me from potential partners. I have dated people with every shade of skin colour. I have dated tall and lanky, short and squat, pale and hairy, muscular and stereotypically sexy. I have dated fit and fat, shy and confident, gentle and aggressive. I am good with mega nerds, have dated two confident and extroverted millionaires, fitness junkies, music fanatics, writers, an ambassador, students, construction workers, a doctor, artists, engineers.... these things matter very little in the grand scheme of attraction for me. The mystery lies in that point of connection. That place where one crosses over time and space and begins something physical. I suppose in many ways I am a die-hard sapiosexual.

I have enjoyed having lovers in my life for the last 21 years. People that have come into my life under the primary point of a sexual connection have shaped much of my sensual personality and I have always enjoyed cultivating that side of myself. Relationships can and have developed out of said connections, but in many ways, it is a rather backwards approach to things.

I meditate on FullofLove's choice to wait for physicality with her husband, and think of other friends who have taken the same approach, and concentrated on building a friendship and relationship before introducing the impressive weight of sexuality into their connection. Desire might be present, yes, but the manifestation unleashes a torrent of hormones and emotions that simply are not there when sexuality hasn't entered the picture. In some ways I wonder if I haven't been too casual with something fairly sacred inside of me.

It truly makes me wonder if I would have pursued any of my more significant relationships with the absence of sex. Had that not been binding and connecting us, what would we have had? Could we have spent years of our lives together, talking and sharing our thoughts and lives without that point of connection? I actually don't think so, and that is leading me to really evaluate the way that I have chosen to develop connections in my life.

I am bonkers in the sack. I fucking love sex and from the feedback that I have received, I am rather good at it. I am deliciously connected to my body, creative, good, giving and game. I am exploratory and enthusiastic, a true switch; I can climb a body like a jungle gym and put a man through his paces until he bursts into tears, or submit fully to his every whim, embodying fantasy fully. I can hone a woman into a blinding diamond tip of pleasure until she screams my name, have her clamour against my bones to be held and rocked to sleep like an infant in the aftermath of satiation. These things are not hard for me.

What's hard is real trust and knowing. Of seeing and respecting someone fully without the distractions and delusions of sex. Of cultivating love, whether romantic or not, and seeing what develops over the years. Watching your feelings, and listening to yourself; seeing what parts of you desire, what parts ache for what, what needs are not being fulfilled, and then learning to fill them yourself.

All of these meditations have led to some large change in my life and relationships over the past couple of weeks. I realize that I need time. To stand quietly inside of myself and be in a state of wonder and bliss in my own life that I have built for myself. Good sex? No problem. I can cultivate that easily. But perhaps it's time that I cultivate a different kind of relationship in my life, both with myself, and with my 'lovers'.

My poly has been drastically different than many people's. I have had incredible love affairs with people that to most, look like friendship. They are not. They are something richer and deeper, and while the love that is shared simply doesn't cross over into stereotypically sexual realms there is an undeniable intimacy that friends just don't share. Four times in my life I have had non-sexual relationships that lasted over two years. Sleeping in the same bed, trading massages, having baths together without touching, celebrating birthdays, meeting each other's families and close friends, almost buying property together in one case..... they are unconventional ways of sharing love, and because of either an absence of desire, trauma in the other from sexual abuse, or a lack of permission to pursue sexual love, they largely looked platonic to the outside eye. For me, it is about the loving. The sex is almost something different to me, and it makes me wonder if I should even mix the two again until I find someone that I really feel can synthesize both parts of my heart.

I love this time in my life. The feeling of having arrived fully into self. Independent, confident and joyful, full of acceptance and excitement. Fitter than I have ever been, centered and happy, enjoying my friends, family, work and leisure time all equally. My greenhouse is filled with growing things, my home well looked after, my dog deliriously content with life. Road trips and a fun trip to New York planned, weekends away with friends, camping trips, hikes, runs and fitness dates lined up. Going to the city for shows and dinners, attending art exhibitions and going dancing. I am truly and absolutely in love with my life, and the work I am doing with counsellors has gotten me to a place of radical self-forgiveness and acceptance and in turn, the same feelings extend out into every portion of my life. It's not that life is without its challenges, or that there are not emotional times; it's that I have a deeper sense of internal strength and peace than ever before in my life, and it is coloring everything with a simplicity that I lacked previously.

Today is CBT with my new therapist, then a BBQ with an ex girlfriend, followed by a chill night with Cereb. He has a massive responsibility at work today that effects an entire region of people, and I intend on making him delicious food and unwinding in the hot tub with him - he handles pressure beautifully in many ways, but I can see it hold him tightly from time to time. He is perfect at what he does. And I mean perfect. His brain is one in forty-nine million when it comes to IQ, and it leaves me panting with happiness and wonder when we rip into the meat of life together in conversation.

Hoping everyone has a great weekend!
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