Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-21-2014, 03:08 AM
ace ace is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2
Default Trying to move on

Let me start by saying I'm not actually polyamorous myself. I've been dealing with some shit lately and I spoke with a therapist who advised me to talk about it on a polyamorous site, so I'm giving this a shot, hopefully someone on here can give me some helpful advice. My orientation is...get ready, this is a mouthful...grey-asexual panromantic. For anyone who doesn't know, asexual means I'm not sexually attracted to any gender, grey means I experience extremely rare exceptions to my asexuality, and panromantic means I'm romantically attracted to all genders. So that's the end of my little disclaimer, on to my problem.

I fell in love with my best friend. We've always been extremely close, but about a year ago I realized I was beginning to care for her as more than just a friend. Time passed, feelings grew, by now I'm completely helplessly head over heels can't stop thinking about you in love. And remember that little grey in my orientation I mentioned? She's the grey. The only person in 20 years I have actually felt sexual desire towards.

So for a year I wrestled constantly with my feelings. Should I tell her? Would it make things weird between us? What if she doesn't like me back? What if she does but I'll never know because I'm too scared to tell her? In the meantime she developed a crush on a guy we know, and I became even more scared to reveal my feelings. Knowing the way she acted when she talked about him or thought about him, I decided there was no way she could ever feel that way about me. I had finally decided to just give up, never tell her, and deal with my feelings as best as I could in silence. Then we got drunk. Things happened. Really fucking awesome things. Best night of my life things. I started getting my hopes up again. But the morning after she told me she wanted us to consider that night a "drunken accident". And she started dating the guy she was crushing on a few days later. That's all fine, I don't want to push anything on her, I care about our friendship above everything else including my other feelings for her and the last thing I want is to hurt the relationship we have. But even so, I find myself horrendously jealous of this guy. Really bad. It doesn't help that she loves to talk about how wonderful and perfect he is, and how great their sex is, and how she's soooo happy that she's with him. I feel morally torn. I want to be happy for her, I want her to be happy, I want to be a good supportive friend, but any time she mentions him I just feel this sickening black soup of pain and envy and resentment in my guts, and then I feel incredibly guilty and disgusted with myself for feeling that way.

I want to move on, but it's so hard to imagine I could ever possibly feel this way for anyone else. That's why my orientation is important to this discussion, because for 20 years I couldn't care less about romance or relationships or sex or any of that with anyone. I'm an adult now, and I'm feeling all of these things for the very first time, and I can't believe how strong they are, and I feel like everyone else my age has been dealing with these sorts of feelings for so long they know how to deal with them while I'm like a lost scared child in an unknown environment.

So what this all boils down to is that I need help learning how to deal with all of these things. Love, jealousy, moving on. And I don't even know where to start. Help?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-21-2014, 12:28 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

wow....so I want to give you advice but am not sure where to start. I wondering if the therapist wanted poly people to discuss compersion with you...the idea that you can be happy someone you love is in love, it in turn brings you joy. But I feel like this would be extremely hard for you because your love is unrequited. You could tell her....but it sounds like that might end your friendship, make it awkward or maybe she'd be nice and supportive. BUT doesn't sound like it would return the love/sexual attraction.

Im no therapist, but it sounds like you have a budding sexuality. Can you figure out what it was about her that turned you on, finally flared sexual awareness for you? Can you look for this in other people? If you discuss how you feel with her, could she possibly help you? Maybe go on double dates etc?


Jealousy is hard enough to deal with when you are together. My answer to that comes from the book The Ethical Slut, jealous means you want something from the person you are feeling this towards and should seek out what you need, not hold it against them they have something else. Im not sure this would work for you.

Im sorry if this wasn't too helpful, best of luck to you

Just went over to your profile and see you are both female. I have fooled around with a girlfriend while we were both wasted...but romantically we both like men. I wouldn't have a relationship with her and maybe we'll fool around again but its more heteroflexible than bi. if your friend isn't bi, or is and prefers men, could also add to this.
__________________
keep on keeping on

Last edited by gorgeouskitten; 05-21-2014 at 12:30 PM. Reason: more info
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-21-2014, 12:53 PM
ace ace is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2
Default

Gorgeouskitten, thanks for responding. After our night together I figured there wasn't much point trying to hide my feelings anymore, she's a perceptive person and she knows me very well, she knew nothing would have happened if I wasn't interested in her no matter how drunk I was. Although I didn't drop the L word, I did discuss my feelings for her and she was pretty supportive, which was nice to know it wouldn't come between us. She's pansexual, so our genders weren't an issue for us, she just doesn't return my feelings.

As far as trying to figure out what about her turned me on, I'm trying to think of what that could be and I'm not coming up with any specific traits, just her as a person. I could mentally superimpose any of the things I like about her onto someone else and it just does nothing for me, but thinking about her is entirely different. Does that make sense?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-21-2014, 01:36 PM
tenK tenK is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 35
Default

I feel for you here, I really do.

I don't have much good advice, but it does strike me that, given she knows that you like her in 'that way' (even if you haven't mentioned the L-word), and that (presumably? If not, you really might want to consider telling her) she knows about your asexuality and therefore how much of a big deal that night is/was to you, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to ask her to maybe tone down the details about her and the sex with the new guy?

That's not the same as 'out of sight, out of mind'. She shouldn't stop talking about him, or her feelings, but there's no need to tell you how mind-blowing he is in the sack, or such-like. I am close friends with almost all of my ex-partners, and one of the tacit agreements I seem to make quite naturally with them is that we don't get all gushy about new romances in the early stages of that transition from lover to friend. It could well be the case that since your sexual experience happened just the once, for her you never made it *out* of that transition of friend to lover, and hence your pal is unaware that some sensitivity is required in going back to pure friendship for you.

It could also likely be the case that she is somewhat consciously or sub-consciously choosing to give you *more* details than she normally would to reinforce the point, without having to say it, that she's not interested in you. For some people, that can seem less awkward than having to deal with the uncomfortableness of a perceived imbalance in feelings or wants in a relationship. If that is what is going on here, I think you have to address it head on. Reassure her that you got the message loud and clear, that you are very happy with the friendship on offer, but that it would help that friendship more if you were allowed a little space to grieve for what might have been. Because I think that's what's happening here: you just need some time and space, without her new relationship being in your face, to acknowledge the hurt of your first romantic disappointment.

Rest assured that what you are feeling is a 'normal' part of romantic rejection. What is unique for you, if I understand you correctly, is that you don't feel like 'there are many more fish in the sea' for you. However, rest assured, those of us for whom that adage does apply more readily never got any comfort from that anyway! Comfort comes when you reach the point of accepting reality and being content with it, and that's the same whether you are asexual or not; when friendship, rather than romantic partnership, feels like the first prize and not the consolation. People might kid themselves that they get to that point when they form a new romantic attachment for someone else, but I never experienced things that way. It's just something that happens gradually over time, when you stop feeding the fantasy of wanting something more, and then wake up one day without that niggle in your heart.

Last edited by tenK; 05-21-2014 at 01:38 PM. Reason: silly typo
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-21-2014, 01:51 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 889
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ace View Post
Let me start by saying I'm not actually polyamorous myself. I've been dealing with some shit lately and I spoke with a therapist who advised me to talk about it on a polyamorous site, so I'm giving this a shot, hopefully someone on here can give me some helpful advice. My orientation is...get ready, this is a mouthful...grey-asexual panromantic. For anyone who doesn't know, asexual means I'm not sexually attracted to any gender, grey means I experience extremely rare exceptions to my asexuality, and panromantic means I'm romantically attracted to all genders. So that's the end of my little disclaimer, on to my problem.
Welcome to the forum. My orientation is a mouthful, as well. I am a panromantic demisexual. Panro because I can be romantically attracted to all genders, but demi simultaneously because I am asexual to everyone but people I am in love with. Even if I am in love, I still may not experience sexual attraction or desire. That is the case with my best friend.

I understand what you mean by not being able to identify what traits she possesses that you like. I have been married to my husband for 12 years, and I can name all the traits I love about him. At the same token, I can meet someone with those exact traits, and I feel nothing but friendship for them. It is just the person that you are drawn to and something that sets apart. That "thing" that sets them apart may not be easily identifiable or even meant to be IDed. I cannot specifically say, "I prefer people with blue eyes," or, "I prefer people of a similar or taller height." Thus, online dating would be an epic fail for me.

Quote:
I fell in love with my best friend. We've always been extremely close, but about a year ago I realized I was beginning to care for her as more than just a friend. Time passed, feelings grew, by now I'm completely helplessly head over heels can't stop thinking about you in love. And remember that little grey in my orientation I mentioned? She's the grey. The only person in 20 years I have actually felt sexual desire towards.
I understand this.

Quote:
So for a year I wrestled constantly with my feelings. Should I tell her? Would it make things weird between us? What if she doesn't like me back? What if she does but I'll never know because I'm too scared to tell her? In the meantime she developed a crush on a guy we know, and I became even more scared to reveal my feelings. Knowing the way she acted when she talked about him or thought about him, I decided there was no way she could ever feel that way about me. I had finally decided to just give up, never tell her, and deal with my feelings as best as I could in silence. Then we got drunk. Things happened. Really fucking awesome things. Best night of my life things. I started getting my hopes up again. But the morning after she told me she wanted us to consider that night a "drunken accident".
So the feelings are not reciprocated. (I see that you replied to GorgeousKitten about her not returning the feelings.) I would say look at that night as a positive thing. As a result, you are experiencing something new. Your friendship has benefitted because you were able to be honest with her about your feelings, and she did not push you away.

Quote:
And she started dating the guy she was crushing on a few days later. That's all fine, I don't want to push anything on her, I care about our friendship above everything else including my other feelings for her and the last thing I want is to hurt the relationship we have. But even so, I find myself horrendously jealous of this guy. Really bad. It doesn't help that she loves to talk about how wonderful and perfect he is, and how great their sex is, and how she's soooo happy that she's with him. I feel morally torn. I want to be happy for her, I want her to be happy, I want to be a good supportive friend, but any time she mentions him I just feel this sickening black soup of pain and envy and resentment in my guts, and then I feel incredibly guilty and disgusted with myself for feeling that way.
I am sure others will be along to post links to articles on jealousy. I do not know any off hand. Jealousy is normal. It becomes unhealthy when you stew in it and let it fester. You have to address it. Stop being so hard on yourself. This could happen to anyone. My advice? Discuss boundaries with her. If you need her to mention less of him, ask that of her. She may not realise how you are feeling, so I would suggest being honest with her. Do not make it about her and what you think she is doing wrong. She may think she is just sharing her happiness with her best friend. It is possible to remain friends with someone you are in love with, but I have to wonder if you will ever be truly happy with just being friends with her. Right now, this situation is a source of pain and unhappiness for you. You did not say how long this has been going on, but extended exposure to pain is unhealthy for your well-being.

Quote:
I want to move on, but it's so hard to imagine I could ever possibly feel this way for anyone else. That's why my orientation is important to this discussion, because for 20 years I couldn't care less about romance or relationships or sex or any of that with anyone. I'm an adult now, and I'm feeling all of these things for the very first time, and I can't believe how strong they are, and I feel like everyone else my age has been dealing with these sorts of feelings for so long they know how to deal with them while I'm like a lost scared child in an unknown environment.
Even the most seasoned people still have trouble dealing and coping with certain things. when love is involved, rejection is possible, and I am sure many people have been there. Experience can make it easier, but no two situations are alike. Personally, I have not fallen in love in 14 years. I meet new people every day, and I have not made that romantic connection but five times in my life. You could very well meet a new friend in a few weeks, and over time, it may develop into something more than friendship.

Quote:
So what this all boils down to is that I need help learning how to deal with all of these things. Love, jealousy, moving on. And I don't even know where to start. Help?
Love is a complicated thing. Jealousy can be worked through, but it takes effort and communication. Moving on is a personal choice, and it can take time. Moving on in your case may require making new friends and lessening contact with this friend, or it could mean taking time apart to cope with the new normal and grieve for what will/may never be. It may mean asking her to scale back on the gushing conversations about this new chap. Only you know what will make you more comfortable. Can you identify what you need to make the situation more tolerable?

Also, is she still taking care of your friendship, or is she neglecting it because of her boyfriend and NRE or New Relationship Energy? NRE is the same thing as the honeymoon stage in a new mono relationship.

Sending hugs your way. I really do feel for you.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-21-2014, 02:09 PM
annakas annakas is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 11
Default

Hey Ace as a fellow Grey A/demisexual I am sorry for the confusion and pain you are feeling, but suppressing your feelings will not work and will make things only worse for yourself and your friendship with your friend.

My advice for you would be is to confess your feelings for you friend and see where the chips will fall. This is the only emotionally healthy way to resolve the situation for yourself and for your friendship.

Whether you like to admit it or not but your friendship has already changed irrevocably by you falling in love with your friend. That is a fact.

Like you can see suppressing your feelings and not confessing is already causing trouble with your ability to be a genuine friend and it is not working for you since jealousy and resentment is growing despite your best efforts to not feel like that.

I bet your friend is also feeling that something is off between your interactions but she doesn't know what, so she might feel guilty and confused, so by confessing to her she can also be a better friend to you than she currently is.

Because currently she is being unintentionally dinging your emotional health when she waxes poetic about her boyfriend and their sex-life to you, she doesn't know that those TMI talks cause you nothing but pain and no one wants to hurt their friends because of obliviousness.

If it is a true and deep friendship then your confession of feelings will not destroy it, even if things will be awkward and tense for a while. By confessing the both of you can have better boundaries in this new situation until things stabilize and the both of you find a new normal for your friendship.

I don't mean for you to just drop the confession of your feelings bomb on her and leave her hanging in how she should handle the new situation.

Sadly a lot of women are often socialized to be passive and too polite when someone shows interest in them, even when they are not interested in return. This is especially relevant when friends confess, because women can pressure themselves to give someone a chance because they feel guilty/pity ect that they don't feel the same. They are afraid to hurt their friend so they go against their own feelings by either being too kind waffling in their refusal or in worse case try to fake the return of said feelings.

So when you confess tell her also what you need from her if the feelings are not returned so you could move on/preserve the friendship ect , that way you both will not flounder. Tell her that if the feelings are not returned that you need from her a very firm but polite refusal that will dash any hope for you, that way you you can start to mentally and emotionally move on and find ways to preserve the friendship in a platonic setting.

By confessing you are also giving her a chance to not unintentionally lead you on or ding you with TMI talks about her boyfriend.

By not confessing you have put yourself in to a very emotionally toxic situation that is slowly poisoning your friendship, because there is too much going on underneath that needs to come out. By trying to suppress your feelings you are only magnifying them.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice needed, asexual, heartbreak, jealousy, moving on

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:58 AM.