Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 05-19-2014, 12:01 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,362
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Presumably, anything above boyfriend/girlfriend (on the list) is *not* a relationship, while anything below lover friends (on the list) *is* a relationship.
Oh, I disagree! If people want to use the word "relationship" only to mean a totally entwined and committed, heading for a lifetime kind of partnership, then I understand why they wouldn't view FWBs as relationships - but they would be so wrong to make such a blanket statement like that! If you have a friend, that's a relationship, and if you have sex with that friend, there's still a relationship!

Also, regarding your list, Kevin, I see FWBs, lovers, and lover-friends all at about the same level.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 05-19-2014, 07:59 PM
RainyGrlJenny's Avatar
RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 173
Default

I agree with NYCindie! Punk is my FWB/lover/lover-friend (I tend to use those interchangeably), but that more describes the level of life-sharing than the amount of love involved. I would never say I don't have a relationship with Punk, it's just different than my relationship with Moonlight.

Just because that relationship is less intertwined does not mean that it is at all casual.

The way I use those terms, one-night-stands and fuck buddies would not be considered relationships for me because the contact is typically too brief for me to build a relationship, but I wouldn't presume to know how other people feel or use those labels. Maybe they love their fuck buddy!

I guess I don't understand the difference between boyfriend/girlfriend and "steady" boyfriend/girlfriend. Going steady makes me think of high school in the 50's, or getting pinned.
__________________
35/bi/f

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 05-19-2014, 09:30 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,331
Default

What's a lover-friend? I've only been friends with my lovers, and occasionally a friend becomes a lover. And former lovers usually remain friends. I guess I don't get the meaning of the term.

And I consider all of those categories - except the true one night stand - to be relationships. Not committed relationships generally but still relationships.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 05-19-2014, 10:38 PM
Eponine Eponine is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 103
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
If people want to use the word "relationship" only to mean a totally entwined and committed, heading for a lifetime kind of partnership, then I understand why they wouldn't view FWBs as relationships - but they would be so wrong to make such a blanket statement like that! If you have a friend, that's a relationship, and if you have sex with that friend, there's still a relationship!

Also, regarding your list, Kevin, I see FWBs, lovers, and lover-friends all at about the same level.
I agree. The thing with me is emotional involvement doesn't have to be associated with practical involvement at all, and only emotional involvement is the defining factor for my (significant) relationships. I have zero practical life sharing with A and L (nor do we intend to merge our lives), but emotionally they're as significant as G, whom I've been living with for almost 3 years.

Another quirk of mine is I tend to have grey-area relationships between "just friendship" and "romance/partnership," so we don't feel comfortable calling each other bf/gf in such relationships (especially if the feelings are entirely nonromantic). If I had to pick between bf/gf and FWB, I'd rather use FWB, although in our case the "benefits" aren't sex, but emotional and physical intimacy. I'd imagine my grey-area relationships are pretty similar to some other people's "lover-friends" relationships (I just don't like to use the word "lover" because of its sexual connotation): They may look "casual" on the surface, but the emotional connection can be as strong as in a primary relationship.
__________________
Heteroromantic asexual female, sex-positive, childfree, relationship anarchist.
Married to G, and in a partially non-romantic, completely non-sexual and long-distance triad with A and L.

Last edited by Eponine; 05-20-2014 at 06:44 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 05-20-2014, 12:32 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,362
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
What's a lover-friend? I've only been friends with my lovers, and occasionally a friend becomes a lover. And former lovers usually remain friends. I guess I don't get the meaning of the term.
"Lover-friend" is a term that SourGirl suggested a couple of years ago here, after I had complained that I didn't like the term "friends with benefits." I started using it, others followed suit, and it stuck - at least in the context of this forum/community. I also use the term on my OKC profile, and I am sure the term is used in other circles where relationships are discussed. But it is basically a FWB.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Last edited by nycindie; 05-22-2014 at 03:01 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 05-20-2014, 06:40 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 109
Default

I know I shouldn't but I can't help feeling after having read Kevins list that "I'm doing it wrong". It's really stupid I know. It's just that I feel I have real relationships. Real romantic relationships, but I wouldn't dare call either of then bf/gf-level of relationship. And one of these doesn't even include sex, but the emotions is just so strong and out in the open for anyone to see that it's hard to not feel like it is a relationship. I think the list needs a lot of work still. It's sort of one-dimensional (relationship=sex) and I do think the line Kevin drew is very arbitrary and propably just based on his own values/opinion.

Oh and for terminology… I use love-friend and lover-friend. One is a lover and one is love.

FWB makes me feel like sex is a common hobby, some sort of sport, like bouldering or playing tennis together. Recreational fun. I just don't feel like that about sex. It's fun, but it's not a sport for me.
__________________
Me: female, solo poly, two children.
Mir: Lover-friend, with wife and child
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 05-21-2014, 11:40 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,746
Default

Oookay ... the list is just a list, it's not a yardstick for judging whether ur doin it rong. I didn't even put much thought into it, I just looked at what I saw in the thread and organized what I observed.

Good grief people. Just ignore the list if it seems inaccurate or doesn't fit your situation. It's just there as a conversation-starter, not as a Statement of Law.

In the end I'm sure there's no exact line where relationships begin/end. In fact the cashier at the grocery store could be considered someone you have a very brief, cordial relationship with (depending on how you define relationship).
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 05-25-2014, 02:57 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 352
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Oookay ... the list is just a list, it's not a yardstick for judging whether ur doin it rong. I didn't even put much thought into it, I just looked at what I saw in the thread and organized what I observed.

Good grief people. Just ignore the list if it seems inaccurate or doesn't fit your situation. It's just there as a conversation-starter, not as a Statement of Law.

In the end I'm sure there's no exact line where relationships begin/end. In fact the cashier at the grocery store could be considered someone you have a very brief, cordial relationship with (depending on how you define relationship).
Yes, and it did start a conversation. The above responses are the conversation.
__________________
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 05-27-2014, 12:43 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida Keys
Posts: 249
Default

@kdt26417 It just so happens I was contemplating my personal relationship continuum yesterday, then today I noticed this thread. Mine is fairly close to the one you listed. Here is how I define my relationships when a definition is helpful:

One Night Stand=a one-time sexual encounter, intentionally no-strings-attached or if you just never hear from or see them again due to circumstances.

Fuckbuddies=Booty calls. You get together primarily to have sex. Maybe you have a drink or meal together once in a while, but you do not go out much together, nor do you spend the night together. There's not much, if any, hand-holding or cuddling. You wouldn't call your fb to pick you up at the airport or expect him/her to help you move.

FWB=Caring, friendship, you hang out together socially and in public, you have conversations, you might spend the night with a FWB. But you rarely pine for a FWB when they're not around. If the sexual aspect of your FWB relationship ended, you'd probably remain platonic friends with no hard feelings.

Lover=This is someone for whom you feel romantically. You are more than friends, though the relationship may or may not be headed for long-term. You want to hold and be held by a lover. Touch is a big part of this relationship, and talking. Lovers require some quality time and emotional investment.

Girlfriend/Boyfriend=Someone who has been around in your life for a while and generally knows your day-to-day comings and goings. They tend to you when you're sick, they help you move into a new house/apartment. You have some sort of commitment, spoken or unspoken, to consider them when making major decisions about your life. You spend nights together, take trips, are involved on some level in each other's social and family lives.

Life Partners/Primaries=This is who you share a home with, care of children, parents, or pets, you might share financial aspects of your lives. This person/people is your family. Your emergency contact. You are committed, legally or informally, and breaking up or losing this bond constitutes a major life change.

This continuum works for me when I'm trying to negotiate/figure out my relationships. Of course, there can be some overlap, I've had someone who stood resolutely between being my lover and my girlfriend, and I feel my current secondary could potentially evolve from FWB to lover if I choose to start spending the night with him.
__________________
Early 40's female, bisexual
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 05-29-2014, 01:21 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,746
Default

That makes sense.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
casual relationships, casual sex, friends, friends with benefits, lover-friends, sex, sport sex

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:34 PM.