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  #11  
Old 05-16-2014, 02:47 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi Hope,

I really feel for you in this situation. How much dating time was had before you all moved in together a month ago? Was there any time at all to get used to this? I'm not seeing a childish temper tantrum at all.

It took over a year for my girlfriend's husband to be on board with us all living together, and almost 3 years for him to be completely happy and at ease with it. We also had a string of trial runs, where I stayed with them for varying periods of time. If I'd have moved in straight away under the expectation that it would be permanent, I'm quite sure we would have broken up by now. Have you had any sort of trial at all?

You need to make your voice heard. Poly isn't about controlling others, but it is about recognising your own boundaries and putting them out there. There is nothing wrong with not being able to deal with something - you feel what you feel and want what you want. People will only treat you as you let them treat you. If you are unhappy but there is never any threat of you leaving, no matter how little effort your husband puts in (or wants to put in), what position does that leave you in? It leaves you stuck, and it enables his behaviour. Why would he change something when he can have everything as it is? How can he even know how far the situation is pushing you if you remain in the situation?

I read an amazing article the other day that put a fresh spin on things. With the best intentions, we often say "nothing has changed!". We say that to reassure our partner. However, what we are failing to do when we say this is acknowledge and validate the grief. The grief is present. When our partner falls in love with someone else, we may gain all manner of wonderful things, but we inevitably lose something. It may be that the NRE we had shifts to the new person. It may be that we lose tangible things, such as time. We may lose our partner's interest in us, or their effort in dating us and maintaining our relationship. We may have lost their 'presence' in the relationship. Something is lost, and it can be helpful if this is accepted by everyone.

Some people are NRE junkies and some people manage it. First time poly NRE can be extremely difficult, because the person experiencing it isn't used to balancing it, and the person watching it isn't used to seeing it. Try to remember that and practice empathy in his direction. However, don't enable things that push you beyond your limits.

We do have to admit to ourselves that there is a possibility our partner can meet someone with whom they are happier, more fulfilled, more compatible. However, it absolutely does not mean that this *is* the case. There are many other reasons that NRE takes over. For instance, it could be that the dating partner simply lacks empathy. It could be that they are overindulgent, irresponsible and lack restraint by nature. It could be that they are wired to be driven for the chase - they might have a 'hunter' personality. It could be that the person is actually insecure, and the compliments and good feelings offered by the new love are essentially a mirror that they cannot stop looking into, because it makes them feel better about themselves. It could be that the person has never been much of a relationship maintenance type, and that the new relationship will follow suit once it gets old. None of the reasons mean that the partner does not love, or want, the existing partner any more. Does that make sense?

Another thing is that while NRE can seem extremely threatening from the outside, we must remember that our partner felt that way for us in the beginning! Their NRE won't last forever even if their love does, and neither will yours. Their NRE doesn't diminish your love, it is simply an earlier stage of love.

Also, There is a difference between a new relationship highlighting problems in the existing relationship and the new relationship replacing the old in certain ways. For instance, if the two of you used to do a lot together, but everything had dwindled before this new relationship began, the new relationship is highlighting the gaps that already existed. If you and your husband did a lot together right up until the new relationship came along, and now you barely do a thing together, that is a type of replacement. So, is your husband filling the gap that already existed, or is he creating a gap by shifting his attention suddenly?

Of course, these aren't the only two options! It is entirely possible to balance two or more loves - and to want to! You say that you want him to *want* to spend time with you, not to simply 'try'. Have you told him that?

The final thing, of course, as cliched as it is, is that love comes from within you. If you strive to become a person you are extremely proud of and if you keep achieving things in your own life, this boosts your confidence. Not only does this make you more secure, but it also makes you more attractive to others. All kinds of things can be done to achieve this - working out, excelling at a hobby, learning a new language, finding new friends or even other lovers.
__________________

Me: (30f) open poly
GF: (40f) My long-term, long-distance partner

Metamours:
Hubby (37m): GF's husband
Garcon (26m): GF's submissive/third partner



“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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  #12  
Old 05-17-2014, 02:12 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 364
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I agree with all of this--if the OP was actually on-board with being in a poly relationship, all the advice on the thread would be fantastic. She's clearly not, though, which means none of this is likely to work (the though last paragraph by sparklepop says something I was trying to say, and i think it applies regardless).

I look at poly like I look at sexuality (LGBTQ). In all but rare cases, it's just who you are. I've met very few happy people who were "persuaded" into poly when they felt pretty strongly they didn't want it, which is the impression the OP is definitely giving (and, there's nothing wrong with that), regardless of how good they were at communication, introspection, etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
Hi Hope,

I really feel for you in this situation. How much dating time was had before you all moved in together a month ago? Was there any time at all to get used to this? I'm not seeing a childish temper tantrum at all.

It took over a year for my girlfriend's husband to be on board with us all living together, and almost 3 years for him to be completely happy and at ease with it. We also had a string of trial runs, where I stayed with them for varying periods of time. If I'd have moved in straight away under the expectation that it would be permanent, I'm quite sure we would have broken up by now. Have you had any sort of trial at all?

You need to make your voice heard. Poly isn't about controlling others, but it is about recognising your own boundaries and putting them out there. There is nothing wrong with not being able to deal with something - you feel what you feel and want what you want. People will only treat you as you let them treat you. If you are unhappy but there is never any threat of you leaving, no matter how little effort your husband puts in (or wants to put in), what position does that leave you in? It leaves you stuck, and it enables his behaviour. Why would he change something when he can have everything as it is? How can he even know how far the situation is pushing you if you remain in the situation?

I read an amazing article the other day that put a fresh spin on things. With the best intentions, we often say "nothing has changed!". We say that to reassure our partner. However, what we are failing to do when we say this is acknowledge and validate the grief. The grief is present. When our partner falls in love with someone else, we may gain all manner of wonderful things, but we inevitably lose something. It may be that the NRE we had shifts to the new person. It may be that we lose tangible things, such as time. We may lose our partner's interest in us, or their effort in dating us and maintaining our relationship. We may have lost their 'presence' in the relationship. Something is lost, and it can be helpful if this is accepted by everyone.

Some people are NRE junkies and some people manage it. First time poly NRE can be extremely difficult, because the person experiencing it isn't used to balancing it, and the person watching it isn't used to seeing it. Try to remember that and practice empathy in his direction. However, don't enable things that push you beyond your limits.

We do have to admit to ourselves that there is a possibility our partner can meet someone with whom they are happier, more fulfilled, more compatible. However, it absolutely does not mean that this *is* the case. There are many other reasons that NRE takes over. For instance, it could be that the dating partner simply lacks empathy. It could be that they are overindulgent, irresponsible and lack restraint by nature. It could be that they are wired to be driven for the chase - they might have a 'hunter' personality. It could be that the person is actually insecure, and the compliments and good feelings offered by the new love are essentially a mirror that they cannot stop looking into, because it makes them feel better about themselves. It could be that the person has never been much of a relationship maintenance type, and that the new relationship will follow suit once it gets old. None of the reasons mean that the partner does not love, or want, the existing partner any more. Does that make sense?

Another thing is that while NRE can seem extremely threatening from the outside, we must remember that our partner felt that way for us in the beginning! Their NRE won't last forever even if their love does, and neither will yours. Their NRE doesn't diminish your love, it is simply an earlier stage of love.

Also, There is a difference between a new relationship highlighting problems in the existing relationship and the new relationship replacing the old in certain ways. For instance, if the two of you used to do a lot together, but everything had dwindled before this new relationship began, the new relationship is highlighting the gaps that already existed. If you and your husband did a lot together right up until the new relationship came along, and now you barely do a thing together, that is a type of replacement. So, is your husband filling the gap that already existed, or is he creating a gap by shifting his attention suddenly?

Of course, these aren't the only two options! It is entirely possible to balance two or more loves - and to want to! You say that you want him to *want* to spend time with you, not to simply 'try'. Have you told him that?

The final thing, of course, as cliched as it is, is that love comes from within you. If you strive to become a person you are extremely proud of and if you keep achieving things in your own life, this boosts your confidence. Not only does this make you more secure, but it also makes you more attractive to others. All kinds of things can be done to achieve this - working out, excelling at a hobby, learning a new language, finding new friends or even other lovers.
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