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  #11  
Old 04-08-2010, 05:25 PM
noob noob is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monovcphg View Post
yeah.... But in our cases the boogie man crawls out from under the bed and joins us!! Hahahaha!!!

Sorry...i had to say it...
lol :d
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  #12  
Old 04-09-2010, 07:59 PM
CFstasha CFstasha is offline
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Originally Posted by EugenePoet View Post
I never thought about polyamory until about 4 months ago, but I had the opposite reaction from yours: "Well, that's a good idea and it seems quite natural, too."
Ditto on this, and my husband and I had even had discussions about opening our relationship up and found it not at all worth the bother. It was an option, we supposed, but added a layer of complexity to our marriage that simply wasn't worth it.

Not that I've quite unexpectedly fallen for someone else, that value judgment has switched. Suddenly it WAS worth the trouble, and shockingly it feels entirely natural for all parties. How did WE meet? He's the boyfriend of my relatively new but very dear friend; they are both polyamorous. We fell for each other while trying very hard not to, because mutual friends were off-limits in their arrangement. After a long discussion, I was granted an exception. I win.

But anyway, there's hard-wired mono and there's something more fluid, and I think that's where I fit in. If I hadn't met my boyfriend, I sincerely doubt I'd have ever explored polyamory as far as seeking someone out, just as I doubt my husband will seek someone out to date, though he knows if he feels a connection with someone he can pursue it.

What polyamory gives to me is the knowledge that falling in love with someone else doesn't mean I've failed at my marriage, or that there's anything wrong with my marriage. I love my husband completely.

Everyone's had such great insights (as they tend to 'round these parts), but I just wanted to add again: It's totally acceptable to not be okay with being in a polyamorous relationship, or in a relationship with a polyamorous person. But as far as I've seen, people get hurt when (1) they can't be honest with their partner about how they truly feel about their relationship and (2) either partner does not take the other'(s)' concerns about opening the relationship seriously.

I'm glad you're talking about it, because if this is something your partner wants (and it sounds like that IS a possibility), it's best to get it out in the open now, for better or worse, before he feels like deceiving you is the better option. I hope you're happy with what you learn, and if he wants to be poly and you decide you do want to try to indulge his need, the people here are unbelievably supportive.

Good luck to you, and welcome!
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  #13  
Old 04-09-2010, 08:16 PM
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I've come in late here but wanted to add something.

I agree with just about everything that has been said and wanted to add that people come on here for support mostly. There is but a handful of old timers on here that come here to muse, theorize, help out and occationally need help. Most of the people that have moved on have either made it work, or settled back to being monogamous or have broken up. I have some friends from here that have been through many of these things, but we see on here those that struggle or have made mono/poly work or are poly. Not the ones that are back to bring mono or broken up.

Just a thought that it would be very interesting if anyone who is in a monogamously wired relationship only would be interested in this site, or who has broken up with their partner after writing on here. I doubt it would hold interest for long anyway. Therefore some perspective on what one reads might be called for.

Wouldn't it be great if those people came back and have an update? It might read something like, "yup, back to being exclusive, nothing more to say." :P

Also, I remember when Mono and I fought about mono wiring. I didn't believe at that point anyone could be. This is where that saying came from.
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  #14  
Old 04-13-2010, 04:12 PM
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Hi, I posted here a little while ago because I was having feelings for someone other than my husband. So here's my update, lol. We're back to being exclusive, I decided actually it was going to be too hard on all of us and I was very happy with my marriage beforehand and would be again. And am.

I am really interested in this thread though, I first heard about polyamory maybe 2.5 years ago and had a REALLY similary reaction to you polyanomaly. I couldn't understand how anyone could do it, the idea of my husband being with anyone else just about ripped my heart out. It still does honestly. But I needed to know more. I needed to learn as much as I could about it even before I developed stronger feelings for our friend. I was so worried that one day my lovely hubby might want to be with someone else and I wanted to learn how people do it so that if that day ever comes then we can work it out and not have to break up our family that we've worked so hard to create. Its my insurance policy I guess, I get anxious about things and I need a plan, a way to cope if bad things happen. So I read and read and read and read.. and then funnily when I developed all those feelings for my friend I found this place to come and write them all down. I have posted only a few times but I've read a lot and been really impressed with how people manage their lives and multiple relationships.

Its funny because another forum I read a lot is a standard mono marriage forum which is used a lot by people suffering from the effects of infidelity on their relationships. It has been really interesting to me to read what things seem to be the same and what seems to be different, and how much of the good advice is the same. We've benefitted hugely from the idea of radical honesty in our marriage which I first came across on a marriage forum and then I came here and found the same ideals mostly. I learn all the time and I still read here occasionally and respect people despite having made the decision not to pursue polyamory in any real way.
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  #15  
Old 04-13-2010, 09:24 PM
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Thanks for the post confused. Its always a gift to hear how people are doing.

I wondered is you have read the book "radical honesty?" its where the term came from.
Also, if you would be so kind as to PM me the link to that mono forum I would be grateful. I too would like to read about other ways people do things in their relationships.

Thanks
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  #16  
Old 04-16-2010, 12:10 AM
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LovelyArianna LovelyArianna is offline
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I'm new to the forum, hope I do this right.

As with overly simplistic answers, your own truth is in there somewhere to fill in the gaps with......

Here's what I have leaned so far.......and there is more profound stuff in my head but bare with me for the simplistic post first....

For the new to poly the fear of loss often seems in the top 3 fears. But think about it: If you trust them and basically they are by their nature faithful *already*, all you are gonna do is expand that.

I mean if they are a willy nilly fly here and fly there person, they are gonna be that, poly or not. If they are a stable person, they are gonna be that, poly or not.

Faith in the person, what you have had so far to back that up plus faith for the future is saying a whole lot. And by faith, I am grouping in stronger stuff like knowing, knowing yourself, communication, and much more.

Hope this is helpful to you.

Oh, and I would rather my lovers *love* and talk with me about it than not to love but use people, etc.

I was watching a movie, and one of the characters said that (about a 2 person marriage but it doesn't matter it works for all ) that marriage was work and that ya hafta just let go of the bullshit and work on it.

I thought that was as profound as it gets.

Best Wishes, Ari
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  #17  
Old 04-16-2010, 06:00 AM
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LovelyArianna LovelyArianna is offline
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Polyanomaly, I would also like to add to be gentle with yourself. Always, yes, but unconditional love is firstly within us for ourselves.

Unconditional love is loving ourselves no matter what conditions we see on the outside. While we are encouraged to think it's loving another person past conditions, it can't ever be unless we are doing that with ourselves first.

It's like the proverbial oxygen mask. We have to choose to be happy first and choose it first no matter what before we can ever presume to love another unconditionally.

When I started realizing that about me personally, it took a lot of the pressure off. Just mentioning it so it hopefully could have the same effect for you as well.

best wishes
Arianna
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