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  #161  
Old 05-06-2014, 01:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Aw... thanks. I'm flattered my writing resonates for you.

GG
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  #162  
Old 05-09-2014, 11:06 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Amazing. This whole morning I've been thinking about some frineds and if their polything is going the way it should or if I'm feeling bad about the situation because I'm projecting something on it. And then I read your entry ON GENERAL "HAPPY" and "PITFALLS" and the pitfall 8 says exactly what I've been feeling. Not enough mindfulness. Thank you for gathering all this information in one place
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Me: female, solo poly, two children.
Mir: Lover-friend, with wife and child
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  #163  
Old 09-11-2014, 03:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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LOVE THEORY: EMPTY LOVE AND INTIMACY CIRCLES

This snippet is from this thread:

Quote:
How about a visual aid all can look at?

http://www.intrapsychictaxonomy.org/sternberg.htm

And some expanded definitions of those things?
http://sitemaker.umich.edu/psy457_la...theory_of_love

Then y'all can just read and point on the circles to determine the (X, Y, but not Z) for each person at this point in time and what they are ok with it becoming in future for each mini-couple within the larger three people thing. See what lines up and what does not in terms of love share and sex share.
I've shared that visual aid with other people before in real life who struggle to name a relationship they have no word for. I hadn't looked at it in a while, but when I did I had to come to some terms myself.

That it is "empty love" right now with Leaf. I don't really respect much about Leaf's way of going right now. And I know from my previous break ups that it is hard for me to feel love for someone I do not respect. At best? Empty Love for a while. But my experience of that's like living on the camel's hump -- previously stored love, goodwill, respect. It will eventually pitter out if nothing new is being generated to refill or replenish.

Leaf contacted me after months of silence. I was actually doing better without Leaf in my life. Calmer, moved on. Less drained and anxious. Weight lifted from shoulders.

If I start with myself and make rings going outwards in terms of intimacy circles?
  • I am the bullseye. Nobody can know me better than me -- I'm in here. All the time. I cannot escape my feelings or my thoughts. I get them unfiltered, 24/7. I cannot go be somewhere else.
  • Next person out is DH. Using those visual aids? He shares mind intimacy, body intimacy, spirit intimacy. The norm is I see him daily. So daily we shower together and he scrubs my back. So daily I set out his pills in the morning.
  • Next persons out would be offspring and close friends. I don't share body intimacy like sex or showers with any of them. But I do share close thoughts, they've seen me in pajamas. Leaf used to live in this ring of intimacy. People I might talk to daily or weekly. Up to date on my comings and goings and meaningful events of my life and they occur. Major and minor.
  • Next persons out are extended relatives, more casual friends, people I might see weekly or once a month. Not as up to date but major highlights.
  • Next persons out are the annuals -- holiday card people. Think nice thoughts about them and wish them well, but not super tight. Leaf is here now for me.
  • I could keep making rings further and further out from me all the way to "total strangers" circle.

I just didn't want to deal in Leaf drama any more. I hit my maximum on destructive interference.
  • He doesn't want to change his behaviors.
  • I don't want to deal in the results of those behaviors in my daily/weekly living.

Solution for us to be in right relationship? Distance. Moved him out some intimacy circles and solved my problem. If he wants to be like this, I cannot have him this close. I am ok with him on the outer annual contact holiday card ring frequency.

I asked what changed when he contacted me. He started stonewalling me. I can only conclude that he has not gotten help, does not intend to. Nothing changed.

Why on earth I would want to go "Yay! Sign me up for more of "the same old shit, different day" so I can enjoy large helpings of stress and drama again?" I get that Leaf misses me. I also miss Leaf. He does not get that I do not miss being around him behaving like that.

He's only thinking "I want access to Galagirl again." I am thinking "Access to Galagirl in a way that is HEALTHY for Galagirl or UNHEALTHY for Galagirl?" Because while more Galagirl in his life might be awesome for Leaf? I do not see at this time how more of unchanged Leaf is awesome for Galagirl!

I'm not going to out Leaf's problems, but I see it being the same with many issues -- abuse, alcohol, chronic lying, drugs, gambling, illnesses -- things that happen in Life. Things that can erode good relationships if left to go haywire levels.

I was feeling better. Then when I wrote that reply I found myself viewing the visual. Next I found myself trying to reconcile "companionate love" with Leaf against present day concerns and I came to realize "Nope. Give it up. Call it what it is... Used to be Companionate but now it is Empty Love."

There's still some commitment to the friendship there. That much I know. Of what duration? That I do not know yet. I feel myself growing cooler. I cannot tell yet if it is cooler like "time out" or like "it's over." Time will show. On the camel hump.

Leaf isn't a healthy person to be around right now. Leaf can be toxic. I don't enjoy toxic in a friendship, and I certainly would not enjoy it in a lover. Moving him a few circles closer IN would not be good for me. Hence moving him OUT. Reduce frequency and exposure and thus reduce stress.

"Empty Love" is not a permanent parking spot for me. It is a caution zone. I know me. It goes one of two ways for me: step it up on effort and I move Leaf back in some closer rings. Or I keep leading my life and do not do anything about investing much energy into the relationship. I really do grow cool. If Leaf does nothing either? Because other people make happier, constructive ripples in my life Leaf could wash further out on the ripple effect. I'm not paddling towards him any. He's not paddling towards me any. Life happens and the process of detachment sets in.

Reminds me of Ripple Tanks. And this video seemed to sum up how I feel about that --

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8a61G8Hvi0

Quote:
"There are places where the waves add up -- constructive interference.
Off to one side you see you get destructive interference. The waves are out of phase there, they cancel out. Destructive interference. "
Quote:
"We can change the frequency - which in turn means changing the wave length."
Quote:
"If we increase the frequency, the lines of interference lines get closer together. We can't go too high, because we burn the motor out."
I was burning out on Leaf and the frequent destructive interruptions to my life.
I am still burnt out. I want space. I don't know if that's repairable or what at this point in time.

All I can say now is that it's parked in "Empty Love" for me and not so much "Companionate Love." That is where I am at today. If asked where I would like it to go in future? It's a big ol' meh.

I am ok with it going to non-love. Be a memory. No longer active.

I am ok with it (with effort from Leaf) returning to (Liking) but I want to see it to believe it.

I'm not sure on Companionate Love any more. (Liking + commitment.)

Ms Logic: I could just spend it elsewhere that gives me more return on the investment.

Ms Emotion: See? I'm cooling off. Sigh. And it isn't that I feel bad about it. I feel bad I don't feel worse about it. I feel indifferent.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-11-2014 at 04:14 PM.
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