Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #161  
Old 05-06-2014, 01:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,230
Default

Aw... thanks. I'm flattered my writing resonates for you.

GG
Reply With Quote
  #162  
Old 05-09-2014, 11:06 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 109
Default

Amazing. This whole morning I've been thinking about some frineds and if their polything is going the way it should or if I'm feeling bad about the situation because I'm projecting something on it. And then I read your entry ON GENERAL "HAPPY" and "PITFALLS" and the pitfall 8 says exactly what I've been feeling. Not enough mindfulness. Thank you for gathering all this information in one place
__________________
Me: female, solo poly, two children.
Mir: Lover-friend, with wife and child
Reply With Quote
  #163  
Old 09-11-2014, 03:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,230
Default

LOVE THEORY: EMPTY LOVE AND INTIMACY CIRCLES

This snippet is from this thread:

Quote:
How about a visual aid all can look at?

http://www.intrapsychictaxonomy.org/sternberg.htm

And some expanded definitions of those things?
http://sitemaker.umich.edu/psy457_la...theory_of_love

Then y'all can just read and point on the circles to determine the (X, Y, but not Z) for each person at this point in time and what they are ok with it becoming in future for each mini-couple within the larger three people thing. See what lines up and what does not in terms of love share and sex share.
I've shared that visual aid with other people before in real life who struggle to name a relationship they have no word for. I hadn't looked at it in a while, but when I did I had to come to some terms myself.

That it is "empty love" right now with Leaf. I don't really respect much about Leaf's way of going right now. And I know from my previous break ups that it is hard for me to feel love for someone I do not respect. At best? Empty Love for a while. But my experience of that's like living on the camel's hump -- previously stored love, goodwill, respect. It will eventually pitter out if nothing new is being generated to refill or replenish.

Leaf contacted me after months of silence. I was actually doing better without Leaf in my life. Calmer, moved on. Less drained and anxious. Weight lifted from shoulders.

If I start with myself and make rings going outwards in terms of intimacy circles?
  • I am the bullseye. Nobody can know me better than me -- I'm in here. All the time. I cannot escape my feelings or my thoughts. I get them unfiltered, 24/7. I cannot go be somewhere else.
  • Next person out is DH. Using those visual aids? He shares mind intimacy, body intimacy, spirit intimacy. The norm is I see him daily. So daily we shower together and he scrubs my back. So daily I set out his pills in the morning.
  • Next persons out would be offspring and close friends. I don't share body intimacy like sex or showers with any of them. But I do share close thoughts, they've seen me in pajamas. Leaf used to live in this ring of intimacy. People I might talk to daily or weekly. Up to date on my comings and goings and meaningful events of my life and they occur. Major and minor.
  • Next persons out are extended relatives, more casual friends, people I might see weekly or once a month. Not as up to date but major highlights.
  • Next persons out are the annuals -- holiday card people. Think nice thoughts about them and wish them well, but not super tight. Leaf is here now for me.
  • I could keep making rings further and further out from me all the way to "total strangers" circle.

I just didn't want to deal in Leaf drama any more. I hit my maximum on destructive interference.
  • He doesn't want to change his behaviors.
  • I don't want to deal in the results of those behaviors in my daily/weekly living.

Solution for us to be in right relationship? Distance. Moved him out some intimacy circles and solved my problem. If he wants to be like this, I cannot have him this close. I am ok with him on the outer annual contact holiday card ring frequency.

I asked what changed when he contacted me. He started stonewalling me. I can only conclude that he has not gotten help, does not intend to. Nothing changed.

Why on earth I would want to go "Yay! Sign me up for more of "the same old shit, different day" so I can enjoy large helpings of stress and drama again?" I get that Leaf misses me. I also miss Leaf. He does not get that I do not miss being around him behaving like that.

He's only thinking "I want access to Galagirl again." I am thinking "Access to Galagirl in a way that is HEALTHY for Galagirl or UNHEALTHY for Galagirl?" Because while more Galagirl in his life might be awesome for Leaf? I do not see at this time how more of unchanged Leaf is awesome for Galagirl!

I'm not going to out Leaf's problems, but I see it being the same with many issues -- abuse, alcohol, chronic lying, drugs, gambling, illnesses -- things that happen in Life. Things that can erode good relationships if left to go haywire levels.

I was feeling better. Then when I wrote that reply I found myself viewing the visual. Next I found myself trying to reconcile "companionate love" with Leaf against present day concerns and I came to realize "Nope. Give it up. Call it what it is... Used to be Companionate but now it is Empty Love."

There's still some commitment to the friendship there. That much I know. Of what duration? That I do not know yet. I feel myself growing cooler. I cannot tell yet if it is cooler like "time out" or like "it's over." Time will show. On the camel hump.

Leaf isn't a healthy person to be around right now. Leaf can be toxic. I don't enjoy toxic in a friendship, and I certainly would not enjoy it in a lover. Moving him a few circles closer IN would not be good for me. Hence moving him OUT. Reduce frequency and exposure and thus reduce stress.

"Empty Love" is not a permanent parking spot for me. It is a caution zone. I know me. It goes one of two ways for me: step it up on effort and I move Leaf back in some closer rings. Or I keep leading my life and do not do anything about investing much energy into the relationship. I really do grow cool. If Leaf does nothing either? Because other people make happier, constructive ripples in my life Leaf could wash further out on the ripple effect. I'm not paddling towards him any. He's not paddling towards me any. Life happens and the process of detachment sets in.

Reminds me of Ripple Tanks. And this video seemed to sum up how I feel about that --

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8a61G8Hvi0

Quote:
"There are places where the waves add up -- constructive interference.
Off to one side you see you get destructive interference. The waves are out of phase there, they cancel out. Destructive interference. "
Quote:
"We can change the frequency - which in turn means changing the wave length."
Quote:
"If we increase the frequency, the lines of interference lines get closer together. We can't go too high, because we burn the motor out."
I was burning out on Leaf and the frequent destructive interruptions to my life.
I am still burnt out. I want space. I don't know if that's repairable or what at this point in time.

All I can say now is that it's parked in "Empty Love" for me and not so much "Companionate Love." That is where I am at today. If asked where I would like it to go in future? It's a big ol' meh.

I am ok with it going to non-love. Be a memory. No longer active.

I am ok with it (with effort from Leaf) returning to (Liking) but I want to see it to believe it.

I'm not sure on Companionate Love any more. (Liking + commitment.)

Ms Logic: I could just spend it elsewhere that gives me more return on the investment.

Ms Emotion: See? I'm cooling off. Sigh. And it isn't that I feel bad about it. I feel bad I don't feel worse about it. I feel indifferent.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-11-2014 at 04:14 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #164  
Old 09-24-2014, 06:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,230
Default

ON FAIR AND EQUAL

Excerpt I wanted to save from this thread.

Quote:
Quote:
I feel this whole ideal of "equality" is just another way of making poly "shinier" than anything else. It's the wrong word and it gives a wrong impression!
I think people sometimes trip up on the words "fair" and "equal." Every time this comes up, I think of this picture:

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/73...e3e6ccc62e.jpg

The people in that 2nd picture are treated fairly -- they all can see the ball game. They are not treated equally -- not all of them needs a box to stand on to see over the fence.

Sometimes arrangements can be both "fair and equal" for the participants "at this time." They are ok with it and it meets their needs that way for now.

Sometimes arrangements can be "fair but not equal" for the participants "at this time." They are ok with it and it meets their needs that way for now.

Time can change a situation. It is up to the participants to sort all that out as they go along over time. I would not give the key to my house to someone I just started dating, but an older established dating partner might have it already. Why? Because over time they may have earned that privilege with me. It isn't that the new person cannot earn it too... over TIME.

Time can change a situation in other ways. Maybe someone's mother died -- time management changes. Maybe someone is taking a college class this term. Things change yet again. It is up to the participants to sort all that out as they go along over time.


Quote:
I may care for the happiness of my partner, but if mine is also to be equally as important and I foresee a situation like the above, I would be really freaking crazy to put my couple at risk by accepting that my partner should have an "equal" partnership to ours with another person.
Quote:
it only makes sense to split equally once the new relationship has had time to mature.
If you have a natural preference for a primary-secondary model to start and change co-primary or something else later? Just say so up front to all. You are allowed to have a preference. You are allowed to have personal boundaries. You are responsible for knowing and stating you wants, needs, hard limits, soft limits so other people can know what those might be.

Before going there with these people? You could also agree on how to break up, if a break up has to happen for some unforeseen reason. Even down to everyone single again! Then everyone is entering into relationship with eyes wide open. They know the deal breakers. They know what to expect in the event of a break up.

Otherwise, could not go there with those people who do NOT agree. Keeps things simpler on you.

Galagirl
Reply With Quote
  #165  
Old 12-03-2014, 10:45 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,230
Default

ON HAVING A RELIABLE WORD

This is an excerpt from this thread.

Quote:
I am sorry you struggle.

You could repeat back what you hear him say. And ask him if he means X. Get some clarification.

But in general you sound like you tried to give opportunity to talk. He does not want to. So... Could tell him if he changes his mind, you are willing if he wants to make a talking date for later. Then go to bf house as current agreements stand.

You cannot be a mind reader. And if how he communicates does not serve him well, he could learn another way to communicate his wants/needs/limits so he can be better understood by other people. You cannot do his communicating for him.

Believe him at face value:

Quote:
He says he doesn't care that I am seeing my bf mebbe tonight or tomorrow night
I know you do not think that is the truth, but rather than trying to mind reader him? Could let him own it. Take it at face value and later if that was not it? Who is responsible for speaking his truth? Him.

It simply might take a few cases of "being taken at my word" and dealing within the consequences to get him to start saying what he means and mean what he says in the first place.

Could weather that out and see if he can take personal responsibility for his communication.

Galagirl
Things with Leaf and I are at impasse. He said something things. I told him I would take it at face value and left it at that.

Do I actually believe it? At this time? Nope. It is more this whole concept being revisited in my personal life --- and it is worth blocking out again to me.
It simply might take a few cases of "being taken at my word" and dealing within the consequences to get him to start saying what he means and mean what he says in the first place.


Based on past experience, I don't actually have confidence it will happen with Leaf. But I am content to step back and let Leaf experience his natural consequences and figure his own self out.

I've had it happen before with other people who wanted me to mind reader them, read between the lines, etc. Just not up for that game. It is lazy relating, like I'm supposed to carry them? Ew. They want to avoid taking personal responsibility or avoid being held accountable to their Word? Double ew.

I'll just take it at face value. Less work for me.

And if that behavior of mine results in things they did not like or want? Tough. Can't act out at me about it. I did what I could with info given. Who gave me the info? You.

Shoo! Go act out at yourself for not having a reliable Word. Could say what you mean. And really mean what you say. Then maybe next time it goes more the way you hope when you are direct, decisive, and honest about giving clear communication about your wants and needs.

I think that's an important character trait polyshipping wise. I so dislike namby pamby. Meh.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-03-2014 at 10:48 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:27 PM.