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  #1  
Old 04-15-2010, 07:17 PM
nichtdaisy nichtdaisy is offline
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Default honesty & wanting to be a responsible third

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follow up

Last edited by nichtdaisy; 07-13-2010 at 10:33 PM. Reason: Delete post
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  #2  
Old 04-15-2010, 07:30 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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First of all, its unfortunate he wasn't 100% honest from the start, its tough to build a relationship on a lie.

ok secondly...

Quote:
I hate that I learned this third-hand. I feel like I am entrapping him - I mean, whether he is married or not isn't really my business. I am just worried that if he is being half-truthful about this, than he is being half-truthful about his girlfriend, I mean, wife's consent for his extramarital affairs. I dont want to hurt her or the child.
It is absolutely your business. If he is asking for a relationship (regardless of the context) you should know the truth. Heck I would even be so bold as to say it is well within your right to request some sort of confirmation from the wife, if that is how uncomfortable you feel. He has lied previously!

Personally, I am a ballsy person, I wouldnt have problem calling the guy on his omission. Maybe they have a DADT policy, maybe he has some reasons, but if you want this to go further than what it is, every card should be on the table

Honestly it sounds like you have the right idea, but there are some yellow flags that appear from the guy. (I won't say red flags, since you don't see them as a dealbreaker but they are worth noting to yourself) Protect yourself first.

Last edited by Ariakas; 04-15-2010 at 11:28 PM. Reason: I suck at typing sometimes
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  #3  
Old 04-15-2010, 08:54 PM
nichtdaisy nichtdaisy is offline
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Default add'l question

I am wondering if it would be more fair, when I have this conversation, to disclose that I looked him up and that I KNOW that he is married and is a father, rather than ask him leading questions.

I am concerned that he has been imperfectly forthcoming, but I did, purposefully, search him down on the Internet. It took me a little effort to learn what I did. I feel some general shame about stalking him, even though the information has been appropriately eye-opening, and even though anything publicly accessible on the internet is fair game.

Trust is a hard thing to build into a relationship, and it is as important in casual relationships as it is in serious. In fact, it is more important, because of the possible risks and personal-safety issues involved with being intimate with a stranger. So, even though this connection was/is supposed to be centered on sex, I want there to be complete trust and openness (if it is to happen).

Well, I don't know if I will actually have the cojones to say that I spent time hunting him down on-line, but part of me feels like I should.
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  #4  
Old 04-15-2010, 11:22 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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First off, I agree with Ariakas, you have the right to know. Although the problems are not deal breakers for you personally, the lack of honesty should be. Don't put him on too high a pedestal just because he is "nice" and "sexy"

Second, researching is not stalking. The big difference is that you had concerns and you looked into it. Period. Final. Stalking would be continuing to gather more info, getting multiple credit reports or info reports, following him or his family, etc.

As for how to broach the subject, go ahead and be honest. Tell him that you did a search online out of curiosity and you wanted to be sure if what you found was him, and true. Then launch right into asking if he's married before he gets the chance to ask you what you found out. Kinda devioius but as we all know, it's harder to hide the truth when you think the questioner knows something.

Then if he lies, or disembles(sp) or jumps right into accusing you of invading his privacy, those should be deal breakers becuase he is hiding something, probably not just from you either.

Good luck either way.
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  #5  
Old 07-13-2010, 10:46 PM
nichtdaisy nichtdaisy is offline
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Default following up

well, this is old business, and the two of you who responded probably are asking yourselves, "wait, huh? what was this?" as I had conveniently deleted the original post...

Back in April, I was freaking out because I started dating a man in an open relationship. We developed a fast and deep bond... except... EXCEPT... I knew that he wasn't being 100% honest with me about where he was coming from. he told me that he was in an "open relationship", and referred to his partner as his "girlfiend", but it only took three mouse clicks on line to learn that he was married and had a kid.

So, I joined this forum and wrote about my concerns, and got great replies from two of you.

I freaked out more about my situation, and pulled the original post off the forum.

Fortunately, within a week, I had "the talk" with my new lover, and it was easy for him to come clean with me about where he was coming from. I could tell that he had been stressed out about it... and he was pretty relieved to see that I was so accepting. Within a week, he also updated his dating profile (where I met him) to honestly reflect his situation.

and now, three months have passed. We are still dating. I am assured that his wife knows about me, although she isn't always thrilled about it. There are challenges there... which are beyond my control, because they've been together for much longer than I've known him - issues that predate me, and ones that will postdate me, I am sure. I give them the space to work out their issues. I protect myself by not getting too deeply emotionally involved.

I stay with the situation because my lover is a good friend and a talented lover. I have another lover, as well. Everything is open and cool on my end. I feel lucky that both of my lovers are happy to share me, and I am happy to share them. I just worry a little bit about how my first lover's wife feels- I'm pretty sure that she would be happier having her husband to herself. This has been my first non-monog experience, and I am pretty happy, so far... it comes on the tails of being in a very confining 7-year monogamous relationship... where I couldn't even have an emotional connection with anyone else without it causing jealousy and fighting.

Being in this situation makes me think that I would, one day, like to be in a more serious polyamorous situation - share a household and family with many partners - and have close friendships with the partners whom I am not necessarily romantically involved with. It probably isn't going to happen with my married lover... but being with him gives me food for thought for what I really want.

Thanks for the room to rant.
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Old 07-13-2010, 11:22 PM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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Interesting story! I have a question, though it isn't really any of my business (of course, such a statement goes without saying on a forum like this one, but anyway):

You say you are "assured" his wife knows about you. How are you assured of this? Through him? Have you met her? Is everything really open or is it DADT or is he perhaps still "cheating"?

Just wondering.

Immaterial
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  #7  
Old 07-13-2010, 11:33 PM
nichtdaisy nichtdaisy is offline
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Default assurance

He mentioned in passing, at one point, that she wasn't happy about "our situation," presumably because what started as "just sex" has lasted for a while now, and love and friendship have developed as well. I guess that his previous extra-marital partnerships had been shorter-lived, and more compartmentalized.

The fact that he brought up something that was challenging leads me to believe that he is telling the truth. If he had said, "oh, yeah. she knows. she's fine with it..." that would be easier to just say, without substantiating it. but, the fact that he brought up the challenge... that makes me think that he is being honest.

I was traveling when he shared this with me. I immediately offered to back off - either dial back the emotional intensity, or even break off our relationship. I'm not in the marriage-wrecking business. He tried to assure me that it was going to be ok. ...this is where I have to be immensely trustful of him- that he isn't just trying to have his cake and eat it, too. I have to trust that he really is making this work for her. It's hard for me to know, since I don't have a relationship with his wife. But, he's been respectful, courteous and loving towards me... so I can only assume that he is that way with his wife. Also, if they have issues, between them, they pre-date me, and they will post-date me.
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  #8  
Old 07-13-2010, 11:45 PM
nichtdaisy nichtdaisy is offline
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...and, since I feel pretty balanced in this situation (I don't want or need much more than I am getting, I feel very peaceful towards and supportive of his primary relationship, I don't feel jealous or resentful, I have a life outside of the relationship) I trust that *I* am doing all that I can to honor and respect his wife. I might be deluding myself (or may be naive), but I give them lots of space... and lots of love, from where I stand.
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  #9  
Old 07-13-2010, 11:56 PM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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Is your side of the street clean? You seem to me to be whistling in the dark. Is this just because I would not be comfortable with such an arrangement? Am I projecting? Entirely possible. But if I had a married lover and I had never met her husband and she had started out lying to me and now she was saying "he's not too happy about you" but I didn't know more about precisely what that meant, I'd be haunted. Not because I would feel responsible for either my lover or her husband...they are both grown ups. I'd feel like the entire reason I have gone whole hog with this poly thing, which is complete openness and honesty, was suddenly on hold again. I don't want to be open and honest with a woman who is having an affair, you know what I mean?

Come to think of it, I wouldn't get involved with a married woman if I couldn't meet her husband. Hear him express compersion with his own mouth. "Your wife is amazing!" I would say. "Isn't she though? She really loves you too," he would reply. Now wouldn't that be spectacular? :-)

Immaterial
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  #10  
Old 07-14-2010, 12:04 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by immaterial View Post
Is your side of the street clean? You seem to me to be whistling in the dark. Is this just because I would not be comfortable with such an arrangement? Am I projecting? Entirely possible. But if I had a married lover and I had never met her husband and she had started out lying to me and now she was saying "he's not too happy about you" but I didn't know more about precisely what that meant, I'd be haunted. Not because I would feel responsible for either my lover or her husband...they are both grown ups. I'd feel like the entire reason I have gone whole hog with this poly thing, which is complete openness and honesty, was suddenly on hold again. I don't want to be open and honest with a woman who is having an affair, you know what I mean?
On this board there is a lot of backlash to DADT policies. I intellectually understand why there is backlash. However I still think it is misplaced. Not everyone wants to know everything. Would is surprise you to know that I know of long term poly/leather families with strict DADT policies in place. It works for THEM (19 years in fact). I am sure there are others too. Its a level of discretion that some people need.

I don't want a DADT for me or mine, but if it works for them then let them have at it

Where it becomes touchy, is if the person that is the obscure hidden treasure doesn't want to be hidden. It doesn't read like that is the case here. So kudos to them for making it work.

And it started out rough...but how many poly relationships/lifestyles start out cheating? I think most if I go by the sheer numbers here and on other forums. No one seems to have a street cleaner handy

ari
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