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  #101  
Old 04-15-2010, 12:03 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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First I want to apologize for dragging you all into our drama. The way MG sees things is different than how I see things. We are two completely different women who see things from their point of view. I only know what I see and hear. My posts were based on the information I had. It was not purposely skewed or meant to be half-truths. The "barrage" of texts was actually one text that her phone broke down into several. Here is what it said:

"I am not going to go back and forth with you on the forums - especially since you aren't being honest about who you are on there. I find it deceitful and everyone on there has been nothing more than open, honest and supportive. You and I can talk but I stand by what I have said in the past. I don't want you to meet our friends and family. He can meet yours if that is something you and [her husband] agree on. I want to be friends - I think it's important. But right now you are demanding things that you have no right to force or demand. This is MY life too and I have a say in what goes on in it. This is something that ONLY [my husband] and I can make a decision on and we will do it together. We'll talk later."

This text was sent after she made a post on my thread. The intent was not to be nasty - but to be blunt - which is something she prefers. I did not want to debate with her at all on this site. I came here the night her and my husband had an overnight date. Reading all of your stories, comments and suggestions truly helped me get through the night. Thank you! I was relieved to have finally found a place where people understood what I was feeling. I took great comfort in that. Over a week later - she came on here at the suggestion of my husband and I. He had hoped she could learn somethings about this lifestyle - but told her not to post on my threads. I had hoped that she would be able to gain a little more understanding of what I was thinking and feeling. I have been nothing but open and honest on here. How she and I view things are going to be different because we are on different sides of the issue and want different things in the long run. I never painted her as a husband stealing woman. I simply described the situation as I experienced it. She loves my husband and he loves her - even typing that makes me start to cry. This is my reality. It hurts, deeply, but I love him with all I am and despite comments to the contrary - I am doing everything I can to accept this and I have tried many times to be her friend. It's hard, it sucks and yes, sometimes I get pissed off that this is how my marriage has turned out. But he is my life and I will do whatever I need to to become 100% accepting of her. It's a process - a very difficult, emotion filled process. Call me insecure or selfish - but my heart is having a hard time opening up and letting part of him go. But - I am trying.

This will be my last post. You are all amazingly open, honest, strong individuals and regardless of how this has turned out -I have learned alot from you. This is no longer a place I can come to to seek advice, support or just to vent. My words have and will be used against me and it just makes the situation worse. I may lurk here and there so feel free to PM or email me at KatTails@hotmail.com

Thank you again for everything - you guys have helped me more than you know.

MG - we'll talk soon. I am going to be out of touch for a few days - I need to take a break from this. My heart is hurting too much right now.

ak - I'll be in touch through PM. Hope things are going well for you!

Kat

Last edited by KatTails; 04-15-2010 at 12:15 PM.
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  #102  
Old 04-15-2010, 03:02 PM
flutterby flutterby is offline
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A friend of mine shared this with me, and I believe it may be useful to you as well.
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyrefrigerator.html
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  #103  
Old 04-15-2010, 04:18 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Originally Posted by flutterby View Post
A friend of mine shared this with me, and I believe it may be useful to you as well.
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyrefrigerator.html
Very interesting...I hope it helps. Thanks!
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  #104  
Old 04-15-2010, 06:54 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I'm really sorry, but I'm lmao.

I read your first couple posts and thought-HUH wonder if that is KT's husbands girlfriend. And so it was.


As for respect, there is an amount of respect that must be earned. BUT it always works best if people "assume the best of intentions" of others.

I know SOMEONE will go on and on with "but... abuse..." Yeah I know.

However-the reality is that if you assume the best of intentions it promotes the likelihood of getting what you want.
If however you assume the worst of intentions it also promotes the liklihood of getting something-THE WORST of what they can give you.

It sounds to me like the biggest hindrance-based on BOTH your posts AND KT's posts is that you two are TOTALLY different types of people.

Ironically that is the BIGGEST issue that has ever arisen (more than once) between Maca and GG. They are SO completely different that they simply DO NOT understand each other. EVEN if it SOUNDS like they are speaking the same language-they aren't. They have different concepts of what the meaning is behind what they say and they CAN NOT correctly figure out the other person's goal, purpose, driving motivation etc. EVER.

ASSUMING THE BEST OF INTENTIONS from all 3 of you:

My advice is as follows,

Morningglory-you need to PRIORITIZE KT's needs.
KT-you need to prioritize Morningglory's needs.

That means you each need to identify your NEEDS (not wants NEEDS) clearly and concisely. Make a list.
10 each, no more, no less.

Take the next 3 months to focus on meeting those with and for one another.

NEEDS again-not wants. That means you don't put "x many days/nights with the man we both love." THAT is a WANT.

Second-the two of YOU need to be seeing the counselor. No argument that you all may need to EACH see one, but the two of YOU need to see a counselor WITHOUT the man.

Third-Morningglory-you need to understand that if you want to be a part of their family, you have a LOT of work to do with your husband (from the sounds of it) because it needs to be a TWO WAY STREET. Not sex, obviously he nor KT are in love with one another. But the welcome of your families needs to be mutual.

Fourth-All 4 of you as adults need to sit down in the next 6 months sometime-not longer than that, and figure out how you are going to deal with the kids. Are you "out" are you "in". Also-how are you going to deal with public? Out or in? Family members, which ones are you out or in with and why. Friends-out or in.
This should be a JOINT decision that takes ALL parties feelings into consideration.

It is reasonable to expect to make progress in our lives.

BUT WHAT ARE YOU PROGRESSING TOWARDS?

It's IMPOSSIBLE to progress towards ANYTHING functional unless all of you have sat down and figured out a COMMON GOAL to progress towards. Seriously.

If you put two animals and yoke them to the front of a wagon, one pulls left and one pulls right, the wagon is NOT going to accomplish ANYTHING productive. You want to make progress into a "happy, content" life-then you guys need to get on the same road-whatever that road may be.
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  #105  
Old 04-15-2010, 06:59 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
First I want to apologize for dragging you all into our drama.
No need, often times the BEST source of suggestions is an outside, uninvolved party. I tell everyone-if you REALLY want to help your situation, invite the rest of the people in it to the board. Not for the boards benefit-for your own!

Because when we read things here we get a different feel for what each other is going through.

You are diffferent people, you do have different ways of seeing things-and that is OK!!!

You are also both in love with the same man, so it's preferable to find a way to work together, instead of against one another.
That doesn't mean kissing ass, it doesn't mean letting go of everything that is important to you either.
It also doesn't mean that you lose the sanctity and importance of nearly 20 years of history-you don't. No one, absolutely NO ONE can replace that. I have 17 with GG, believe me, I understand.
It does mean that there is sanctity and importance in every year of our life-and that should be honored as well. Going forward these will include some that are YOURS, some that are HERS, some that belong to all three of you. That's ok too.

KT-please see-her being on here is a good thing. Great relationships are built on honesty, openness, forthrightness...... you and she, you have a relationship that is struggling to be built. Much of the reason I am sure is that you don't have those things between you. Honesty maybe-but open, frank, forthright, genuine, sincerity? I don't think so.

Use this forum and the responses you both get to help guide YOU BOTH into a more agreeable place where you can revel in your differences. Instead of fighting over the fact that you aren't the same.
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  #106  
Old 04-15-2010, 07:03 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
It sounds to me like the biggest hindrance-based on BOTH your posts AND KT's posts is that you two are TOTALLY different types of people.

Ironically that is the BIGGEST issue that has ever arisen (more than once) between Maca and GG. They are SO completely different that they simply DO NOT understand each other. EVEN if it SOUNDS like they are speaking the same language-they aren't. They have different concepts of what the meaning is behind what they say and they CAN NOT correctly figure out the other person's goal, purpose, driving motivation etc. EVER.
Ditto.

Here is that word again, communication. You need to figure out how the two of you can communicate together. Figuring that out will help a lot of the tension.

Quote:
If you put two animals and yoke them to the front of a wagon, one pulls left and one pulls right, the wagon is NOT going to accomplish ANYTHING productive. You want to make progress into a "happy, content" life-then you guys need to get on the same road-whatever that road may be.
I just got a really odd visual of the V being split apart, and in this case being a guy, sheer pain...amazing how the mind can connect dots.
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  #107  
Old 04-15-2010, 07:20 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I just got a really odd visual of the V being split apart, and in this case being a guy, sheer pain...amazing how the mind can connect dots.
GOOD LORD ARI!
Remind me to never play D&D with you! The visuals are much too stunning-and as I would doubtlessly lose I fear I'd see my death in much too great a detail!

Ladies-this is so true. AS the hinge in my dynamic-I've struggled through my share of watching my men do exactly what you two are doing.
It's beyond painful to watch.
If he loves you both as I love my men,
It will kill him if you can't find a peace.
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  #108  
Old 04-16-2010, 03:23 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I'm really sorry, but I'm lmao.

I read your first couple posts and thought-HUH wonder if that is KT's husbands girlfriend. And so it was.



My advice is as follows,

Morningglory-you need to PRIORITIZE KT's needs.
KT-you need to prioritize Morningglory's needs.

That means you each need to identify your NEEDS (not wants NEEDS) clearly and concisely. Make a list.
10 each, no more, no less.

Take the next 3 months to focus on meeting those with and for one another.

NEEDS again-not wants. That means you don't put "x many days/nights with the man we both love." THAT is a WANT.

Second-the two of YOU need to be seeing the counselor. No argument that you all may need to EACH see one, but the two of YOU need to see a counselor WITHOUT the man.

Third-Morningglory-you need to understand that if you want to be a part of their family, you have a LOT of work to do with your husband (from the sounds of it) because it needs to be a TWO WAY STREET. Not sex, obviously he nor KT are in love with one another. But the welcome of your families needs to be mutual.

Fourth-All 4 of you as adults need to sit down in the next 6 months sometime-not longer than that, and figure out how you are going to deal with the kids. Are you "out" are you "in". Also-how are you going to deal with public? Out or in? Family members, which ones are you out or in with and why. Friends-out or in.
This should be a JOINT decision that takes ALL parties feelings into consideration.

It is reasonable to expect to make progress in our lives.

BUT WHAT ARE YOU PROGRESSING TOWARDS?

It's IMPOSSIBLE to progress towards ANYTHING functional unless all of you have sat down and figured out a COMMON GOAL to progress towards. Seriously.

If you put two animals and yoke them to the front of a wagon, one pulls left and one pulls right, the wagon is NOT going to accomplish ANYTHING productive. You want to make progress into a "happy, content" life-then you guys need to get on the same road-whatever that road may be.
I could not agree more...give me a working guide. Not sure if I spoke with you about this but we are working with a relationship counselor and I hope our group session works! I like plans and courses of action!
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  #109  
Old 04-16-2010, 03:25 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
If he loves you both as I love my men,
It will kill him if you can't find a peace.
He does and that is why these last two days have been ridiculously difficult.
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  #110  
Old 04-16-2010, 03:27 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post



I just got a really odd visual of the V being split apart, and in this case being a guy, sheer pain...amazing how the mind can connect dots.
Egads!
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