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  #261  
Old 04-30-2014, 03:06 PM
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I took my son to work this morning, and my van overheated. I had to wash antifreeze off the garage floor, since it was EVERYWHERE. I already had an appointment made for Monday to get the intake gasket replaced, but this is ridiculous. I can still drive my van if I keep dumping antifreeze in, but I don't want to get stranded anyplace, so I am not going to do that. PunkRock is on chauffeur duty, I guess. Hopefully we can get our schedules worked out. PunkRock's brother LordTenderHeart is coming over to stay for about a week and a half this afternoon too, so it seems like between the two of them I should be able to at least get groceries and be able to make the most important appointments.

Transportation issues stress me out. I don't like being anxious. At least it has an end in sight - Monday!

Oh! Last night I was out playing trivia and I got a facebook request from a name I didn't recognize. A couple of PunkRock's peeps have added me, so I asked him if he knew who it was. He responded with "One of your many man friends I guess?" This came out of nowhere and it hit me right in the chest. I know he meant it as a joke, but I have never viewed myself as promiscuous or anything, so it was a shock.

I mean, yeah, I did date a LOT of guys in January, but I certainly know all of their names.

Sigh. It is still bothering me today. I let him know how it made me feel, and he thinks I'm ridiculous. Which I am. It just highlighted an insecurity about myself that I feel. Especially since he has asked me previously not to talk about the guys I was with in January. Sigh.

Anyway...
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  #262  
Old 05-01-2014, 02:43 PM
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I got a Facebook message out of the blue from Greg last night. (He's a large black man I dated in January. I broke things off with him when PunkRockAwesomesauce and I started dating.) Anyway, he sent me a link to a homeschooling infographic and a couple of brief snippets, saying he hoped I was well and happy. I thanked him for the link and told him all was fine.

Exchanges like this make me feel sad. Just like when B messaged me a while back, it hurts a bit. Greg was - is- a great guy - we had a lot in common, he was charming and interesting and we meshed well with what we were looking for. So it makes me feel bad that he is still keeping tabs to see if I pop up available again. Honestly, he never was a long-term viable partner for me, because we weren't compatible sexually. His penis was too big. That may sound ridiculous, but it's the truth. Unlike B though, I feel like I could be just friends with him and hang out, because of all of the common likes we share. That said, I have no time see about growing that friend relationship. Plus, he isn't exactly located nearby. So, sadness regarding that connection.

PunkRock's cat is here! She spent most of the night under my bed.

Today is my 3rd Monthiversary with PunkRock. We were talking this morning, and that number seems ridiculous. It seems like we have been together much longer. In many ways, our relationship feels like the one I have with DarkKnight - there's no point in counting because it's eventually going to add to infinity. Everything is smooth, everything is absolutely wonderful.

The differences between where I was with M at 3 months and where I am with PunkRock are legion.

Oh! I am getting Invisalign braces put on today. I am very nervous about the process. My teeth are terrible, so I am excited about finally having them look better cosmetically, but I don't do well with pain. I am also feeling dread about how they might change my relationship with both DarkKnight and PunkRock. What if they think I look ridiculous, or sound different? Maybe I'll kiss weird. Will my ability to give blow jobs suffer? This is the shit I worry about.
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  #263  
Old 05-01-2014, 06:57 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
Oh! I am getting Invisalign braces put on today. I am very nervous about the process. My teeth are terrible, so I am excited about finally having them look better cosmetically, but I don't do well with pain. I am also feeling dread about how they might change my relationship with both DarkKnight and PunkRock. What if they think I look ridiculous, or sound different? Maybe I'll kiss weird. Will my ability to give blow jobs suffer? This is the shit I worry about.
Well I had the regular wire braces back in 1984....gave bj's with no problems. And I tell ya, you'll love your teeth so much afterwards...and you won't look ridiculous but while you're wearing them, you may speak a little differently but not when they come off!

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 05-01-2014 at 11:26 PM.
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  #264  
Old 05-01-2014, 07:19 PM
AlbertaRaven AlbertaRaven is offline
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I love your blog, it's so positive. You make poly sound like so much fun. You have a knack of writing in a way that makes your NRE balance with your level head so well.
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  #265  
Old 05-04-2014, 03:10 AM
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Invisalign has been both positive and negative for me so far. The fears that I had due to online reading have completely disappeared - I only had 7 teeth with "buttons" on them - all on the bottom. The top aligner comes off easily because of this, and the bottom one isn't impossible. I haven't had much pain for the adjusting; most of what I feel is pressure, and once in a while I have to take a couple of Advil. The worst part is that the back edges of the aligners are NOT smooth and they cut my gums and tongue terribly. I try not to run my tongue along them, but it's impossible. I bought dental wax and that has helped tremendously. I tried filing them with an emery board but it didn't help much. So everyone, buy stock in dental wax, because I am going to go through a lot of it, I think!

Oh, and an update - PunkRockAwesomesauce said if anything, my blow jobs have even more saliva involved, and that is a good thing! LMAO I am still really nervous about them but so far, so good, I guess!

Thanks, Alberta Raven! I hope my blog is positive - my life is pretty positive, overall.

PunkRock did a wonderful thing for me yesterday - he worked all day and don't get home until after 3 in the morning. He had messaged me earlier in the evening to tell me that he might not come home at all - he was working closer to his brother's house and it honestly made more sense for him not to drive all the way back here after working so hard all day. I told him the thought made me feel anxious, and so he came home. I was REALLY surprised by this. I had thought the conversation was over - I hadn't thought to tell him anything else - I was just letting him know my initial reaction. I would NOT have asked him to drive back to me at 3! Actually, him doing that made me feel anxious too! Still, his willingness to do so just on the thought that I was missing him was amazing.
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  #266  
Old 05-05-2014, 07:24 PM
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Ugh. My period is here and I am feeling very blah and unattractive. It doesn't help that I cut myself shaving in a private area - my taint - and the scratch will NOT heal. Every time I poo, it stretches and hurts. Fuck. It makes anal sex impossible, and regular sex somewhat hurty.

I struggle with PMS right before my period - I get irrational and pissy, but also emotional and anxious. This month it seems to be much worse, and I think it has to do with my Invisalign. To have this annoying pressure in the background of my life is adding to the stress. I have been down and unhappy for most of the weekend.

Oh, and my van is out of commission, so I am dependent on others to haul me around - and I'm an extrovert! I can't stand being cooped up in my house. I haven't been out at all in the evenings. It's fun playing board games and such, but I REALLY need to get the fuck out before I go crazy. Grocery shopping and a trip to the post office does not count. Unfortunately, it is going to be Thursday when I get my vehicle back. It got dropped off today, but it turns out that the radiator was damaged, and it is now going to cost close to $1000 to get everything fixed. I only budgeted $450, so I have to wait until DarkKnight gets paid to go retrieve my van. It sucks having to wait, but I'm broke, so oh well.

So yeah, that stress is on me too.

PLUS I made a deposit last week at my bank, and they put it in the wrong account. Thankfully nothing bounced, but I had to make a trip there this morning so my rent check didn't get messed up. I was freaking out about that quite a bit, even though there was ultimately no harm done. Finances are super tight this month now though, with the van costing twice as much as anticipated, and it being the month to renew my vehicle registration ($200) and it being the month to pay for DarkKnight's life insurance ($300) and the water bill is due ($280). All these extras are making me broke.

On top of that, PunkRockAwesomesauce's brother is here. He has actually been a great guest, very polite and helpful around the house. Still, I will be glad when I have my life back, you know what I mean? Things are fine, but it's more stress having another person around.

PunkRock left to return home today for some much needed downtime. With his brother staying in his bedroom, he couldn't do anymore unpacking or prep work, and he has a lack of a location to retreat to in this full house. He's introverted, so he needs a space. I don't blame him for fleeing. Well, plus his brother's bird needs attention and fed, and he needs to pack up more of his stuff to bring over here. Sigh. I miss him already.

The shit is that he messaged me after he left this morning, saying that the one chick that had contacted him earlier this year looking for a hookup was going to be his lunch date today. Totally platonic, he says. Still, not at all what I needed to have in my head on top of everything else. I told him it didn't make me feel too settled. He typed reassurances, but really, I did not need this complication right now. PunkRock says he is just meeting with her "to get it over with" and that he only wants to be with me.

Honestly, the whole situation makes me want to puke. I feel unsettled, unhappy and out of sorts. Now I feel threatened, less than and not enough. Very unpoly thoughts. I am being irrational, so I am shutting the fuck up, but I do not feel good about much today and having to think about a new arm in our V possibly appearing when I am least equipped to deal with it is not what I want to be doing.

Do I believe PunkRock when he says he loves me? Yes
Do I believe he is interested in this woman? Not really.
Do I think this woman will turn us into an N-configuration? No

But yet anxious, hormonal me is focusing on worst case scenario, and it isn't helping me recharge and renew at all.

Actually, one thing that is also causing mixed emotions is that today is the last day of the chemistry class I've been teaching all year. The kids are all so great - I am really going to miss teaching and guiding them. I will see them all over the place, since they all participate in other activities with my daughter, but it makes me sad that my science course is over. That said, I am SOOOO glad to have the pressure of planning and conducting 3 classes every week FINISHED. W00t!

I just packed up my cabinet and put all the materials and glassware into a rubbermaid tote. Yay! Now however, I'm at a loose end. I don't have anything planned tonight since I have no car and I'm looking at a long evening in my house again. I should sweep and swiffer my downstairs floors but I am not wanting to do anything like housework. Instead, I am going to go upstairs and paint my toenails. I usually do that as a stress-reliever, and I certainly need an outlet of some sort.

Just as a tag, I am listening to two songs today on repeat - "Pompeii" by Bastille and "One Minute More" by Capital Cities. Trying to boost my mood!
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  #267  
Old 05-06-2014, 11:10 AM
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Today is another day and I've decided to once again make this the best day of my life. I try to do that every morning, but perhaps not always at 6:46 am!

PunkRockAwesomesauce's cat woke me up - she was perched on the top of my bedroom chair, nosing apart the curtains so she could peek at the morning. This peek resulted in a long stream of sunlight highlighting my face. This didn't annoy me though - I smiled and took a picture. She has been so shy since moving in, and her being up and out, exploring, is a wonderful thing.

Last night DarkKnight and I had a good reconnection, though neither of us have felt estranged. We've just been apart nights since PunkRock doesn't have his bedroom set up yet and so by default, PunkRock has been in the master suite with me for several evenings. My husband is so sweet, and good and just all-around a wonderful human being. I aspire to be as patient and kind as he is, but it is definitely an innate personality trait that I don't possess. He holds me and I just feel like I'm home. There's no judgement, no worries, he's just - this is you and I totally and completely love who you are. Even when I KNOW I am being outrageously a princess, he doesn't just tolerate or accept my sassy self, he embraces my quirks and loves me for them.

Every day I am amazed at how lucky I am to have such a partner in my life.

SUCH GOOD FEELS TODAY!!!

Holy hell though, I have terrible cramps. Fuck you, period.

I read some GalaGirl posts on here today, and she is so intelligent about emotions! She puts into words what I try to do. Read this :

Quote:
I cannot help what I feel when I feel it. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. It just burbles up. I don't choose when it burbles. So just let it blow on through! Internal weather is only internal weather. So what? There's sunny days and stormy skies in there. And? It blows on through.

What I CAN control is how I choose to BEHAVE in response to that emotion.
I can choose to just REACT.
I can choose to ACT WITH INTENTION.
Even choosing to do NOTHING? That is a choice.

I can choose many ways to handle internal weather so that I move to sunny days faster. And I don't mind the stormy weather if it is navigated well. When else do you get rainbows? I love the bittersweet sweet moments. They can be so tender and dear.

But whatever choice I make? It's mine to choose. And I cannot escape the consequences of my choice.
Word. Yesterday, just writing about how crummy I was feeling was enough to get past it. Today is a new day, with new feelings to navigate. Onward and upward!

Oh! Godzilla shirts on sale, in my email this morning, making me wish I wasn't broke. Nothing I had to have, but plenty I'd love to wear! There was a Godzilla fighting the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. That makes me smile - a lot! I hope the new movie is decent. Maybe I'll watch a marathon of old Godzilla movies today. I'll tell my daughter that homeschool is canceled in honor of awesome, and then we'll stay on the couch and eat Doritos all afternoon.

I am torn right now between going back to sleep or showering. I think I'll shut off the light and see if I can get back to dreaming.
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  #268  
Old 05-11-2014, 04:17 AM
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DarkKnight's birthday was yesterday and I did my best to make it great. I brought him breakfast in bed, and then when he left to pick up my son from work, our daughter and I quick decorated the dining room with balloons and streamers, and so greeted his return with cake and festivities. And presents. Then, he and I went out for lunch and together time at Starbucks. That afternoon we played the Mr. Card game I had bought him as a gift. In the evening, PunkRockAwesomesauce joined us for a show at the local dinner theater, which was a fun comedy. After, I had sexytimes with my husband, and gave him a pretty great blowjob, if I do say so myself.

Today was less wonderful, as my father in law was admitted to hospital. We just arrived back home, in fact. My FIL has end-stage esophageal cancer and unfortunately it is pretty much all through his body. He had a blood transfusion tonight so he is looking better for the time being. It is a difficult time for DarkKnight, and what was awesome that we returned home and PunkRock had not only made dinner for my kids, but also finished up the laundry and made both my bed AND DarkKnight's bed. It was so wonderful to not have to worry about household garbage like that. PunkRock's picking up the pieces after we had to leave suddenly today just cemented in my mind even more how wonderful this type of poly is, and how wonderful a guy PunkRock is himself. I mean, wow.

I did get my van back on Thursday and I am trying to regain my optimism. The trip to the hospital wasn't very positive, but PunkRock at least made the coming home part great.
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  #269  
Old 05-13-2014, 01:38 PM
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Today is going to be another great day.

Gloriously awesome sex last night and this morning with PunkRockAwesomesauce. Interesting though - the last two times, sessions have lasted less than a half hour. He's normally a 2 hour dude, so it's a bit disconcerting. However, I'm having lots of fun so it isn't something to complain about. it is amazing to me that he is still ready to go every day. We are so compatible!

That said, I am starting to miss sleeping with DarkKnight. PunkRock's brother is still here, and I have no idea when he is leaving. I would like PunkRock to be able to move his bed over and have his bedroom back so I can have some comfortable overnights with DarkKnight., but that won't happen until LordTenderHeart is admitted into rehab. PunkRock has offered to sleep on the couch, but that is just silly. DarkKnight is ok, knowing that this is temporary, and so am I. Still, from time to time I miss his snuggles. Yesterday the 3 of us watched Cosmos together, and that was snuggly. Not the same, but still sufficient at the present time.

Both my guys still take delight in teasing the hell out of me when we are out together in public. Pinching me, touching me in inappropriate places - oy! I love it though - their attentions make me feel happy.

Oh! We were all interviewed for a magazine and there will be a feature on our poly, being published on June 12. We are being paid, so that is pretty sweet. It's an overseas publication in the UK. The article is really great - it is written first-person, as if I were telling my story. The author used some British words that I would never use, so that was funny to hear, but other than that, I really liked it. (Honestly I liked the British words - I am trying to use "Brilliant!" in conversation now and I was teasing PunkRock yesterday because apparently he is a "dapper sort of gentleman.")
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  #270  
Old 05-14-2014, 12:25 PM
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Housekeeping updates:

PunkRock left this morning to go back to his brother's house to care for the parrot and pick up some items. He will be back tonight - we are going to play trivia later.

My father in law was transferred to Hershey Hospital for surgery, so DarkKnight left this morning to head up there, and barring complications, he will be home tonight as well.

LordTenderHeart got the news that he can enter rehab on the 28th, but he won't be here at my house the entire time between now and then, he is prolly going to his dad's at the end of the week.

I'm handling some homeschooling stuff today with my youngest and awaiting an 11am repair guy arrival for our central air unit.

Yesterday I made changes to my cell phone plan and added PunkRock's phone to the account. This will result in substantial savings for him, so it was much needed. I told him he is now locked into a contract with me, so we can't break up for 18 months.

I am soooo tired right now. I am going to try and fall back asleep for a while.
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