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  #21  
Old 04-15-2010, 02:34 AM
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I don't do facebook (or myspace).
However, I do keep in touch with my exes and consider them friends-in real life.

It is true that there is a reason they are my exes-the reason is that at the time we tried to date, we made better friends than lovers.

Now as far as hooking up with any of them again, at this point there is only one I would entertain the idea with-and she's definitely not interested. The rest-well their goals and mine aren't compatible enough to meet my criteria for a lover. So no.
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  #22  
Old 04-15-2010, 04:15 AM
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I'm still of the humble opinion that this contacting exes stuff CAN dangerous ground unless you are open and honest with your SO. if you want to be friends then ok, i get that but... still...you left the relationship for a reason. i think you need to be honest with yourself about why you would be looking back after so many years? is it ORE (I LOVE that new term tee hee hee it fits perfectly! good one!) or is it just platonic, or is it more? honesty is key. i'm of the opinion you broke up for a reason, and unless those issues are resolved... why are you looking back. move forward, not backwards....
then again, if you are being honest and open, and you really do want to explore...fine go ahead. as long as you are honest.
and if you are just wanting to be friends fine, as long as you are honest with yourself and your so.
and as i said before, it would be times like this that a veto rule might be effective. afterall if your SO feels insecure about your ex, or see red flags, then they can veto...a
wow, did i just say veto is ok? i have a strong dislike for vetoes, but... i understand they are sometimes needed in certain relationship dynamics... which this hypothetical example could be...
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-15-2010 at 11:57 AM.
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  #23  
Old 04-15-2010, 04:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
Mono! I'm surprised at you. It's not the online resources that fuck up the relationships, it's the fact that there were problems not being dealt with or communication was not good in the first place.?
I've thought about this a lot and watched what's happened around me in some cases. I see a lot of people getting caught up in the "grass is greener" scenario and pushing flirtation beyond their level of control. Next thing you know they are having online affairs and then they are sneaking off to screw an old flame. I just see the global connectivity as being too alluring for some people to handle sometimes.

Sometimes, being online is the problem.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-15-2010 at 04:25 AM.
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  #24  
Old 04-15-2010, 04:23 AM
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Honest-

The thing is that what you say is true about ANYTHING-not just contacting exes.
People who ARE honest with themselves about what their intentions are, don't have the kinds of problems that "facebook" causes in relationships..............

Mon-
I agree, that happens, but again-it's all about people not being honest with themselves.

If you are an alcoholic-don't pretend you "can just have one".

I have NO issue with that one.

I have a friend who is on here as well-and I've said it before-he's attractive, we have similar interests, he's an AMAZING flirt and he's GREAT at making a person feel good with his compliments.
But I told him from day one-I wasn't interested.
I can flirt with him til doomsday, I made my decision.
Offers were made-I declined, because I MADE my decision before anything started.

SOME people can't do that-SO ADMIT that you can't do it and stop pretending you aren't an addict to whatever it is you are an addict to.

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Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-15-2010 at 11:58 AM. Reason: merge posts
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  #25  
Old 04-15-2010, 04:28 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

SOME people can't do that-SO ADMIT that you can't do it and stop pretending you aren't an addict to whatever it is you are an addict to.

My point exactly Some people..not all.
I'm not an alcoholic right now but with enough immersion into drinking I'm pretty sure I could end up one..and then make some life destroying mistakes.
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  #26  
Old 04-15-2010, 05:11 AM
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Bwahahahahaha! ORE nice concept. I am friends with most if not all of mine.TL I think it is okay to FB friend/communicate with exes unless they are troublesome sorts or if it will be a problem with their spouses/gfs. But I am usually FB friends with them too. We keep in touch, we share our lives in a different way. I FB with everyone even the ones I can go to the pub with and have a beer.

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
It is true that there is a reason they are my exes-the reason is that at the time we tried to date, we made better friends than lovers.
Could not agree more!

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-15-2010 at 11:58 AM. Reason: merge posts
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  #27  
Old 04-15-2010, 08:26 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I am truly, truly astonished at how many people on a POLY forum would have a problem with friending a former lover on facebook!

1. If you're in a poly relationship, what difference does it make whether your partner falls in love with the cute girl at the grocery store or his high school sweetheart?

2. It's just facebook! I guess being of the younger crowd, and one of those geeks who friended everyone I went to high school with, I don't see it as any big deal at all.

3. Regarding "just anyone" seeing what I'm doing with my life, that's why they have privacy settings. I have a "real friends" list for people who can see my pics, wall postings, location, etc. Everyone else gets just my profile pic and status, same as any random stranger on facebook has access to.

4. Wouldn't you rather be able to see, open and upfront, if your partner is communicating with a former lover, as opposed to them hiding it by texting or secret coffee dates?

5. I don't see how "they broke up for a reason" is a reason NOT to talk to them. They broke up! If they wanted to be together, they wouldn't have broken up. If it's been 15 years since they broke up, they've most likely both changed a lot as people, and whatever poison drove them apart at the time has likely been healed through personal growth. And if it hasn't, well then that's just like dealing with any toxic person that your partner is dating, and is a subject already covered in other threads.

6. #1 again. You're poly! Who cares WHO they're dating and whether they've dated that person before. If they're happy together and they can give each other love, why would you want to stand in the way of that?
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  #28  
Old 04-15-2010, 01:25 PM
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Quote:
#1 again. You're poly! Who cares WHO they're dating and whether they've dated that person before.
I disagree with this statement. Who cares who they are dating ? I DO! Stand in the way ?? Why because I am not just into an open marriage. I want to know who my partner is sleeping with and I want and need to get along with them or there will be conflict. I have a family that involves three small children.

Poly is different for everyone. People are looking for different things. Some people make agreements and terms.

To me if you do not want agreements and terms than just have an open marriage and screw whoever you want. Who cares right as long as you and they are happy??? !!!

I am venting here cause this really makes me mad. Yes I want my husband to be happy but to assume that because I want to know who he is chatting with is standing in his way UGH just makes me mad.

I for one want to know who is in my husbands life. I want him to open up to me and tell me how he feels. We had talked last night and went over a lot of new thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Maybe I am the only one here who feels this way and if that is so then who cares.
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  #29  
Old 04-15-2010, 01:46 PM
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Originally Posted by tinylove View Post
I am venting here cause this really makes me mad. Yes I want my husband to be happy but to assume that because I want to know who he is chatting with is standing in his way UGH just makes me mad.

I for one want to know who is in my husbands life. I want him to open up to me and tell me how he feels. We had talked last night and went over a lot of new thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Maybe I am the only one here who feels this way and if that is so then who cares.
Hey Tinylove/all,

Interesting.
I see this kind of expression surface a lot here in different guises.

My only comment on the matter............

When I find myself in these kind of mindsets - or see them - I try to look deeper. Because there's different reasons people want or feel a need to know most everything that's going on in someone else's life.

1> Because BOTH want it. It's a sharing and part of the connection and glue that binds them. By "peeking" without invitation it's an honest effort to keep the communication flowing when life gets busy & hectic and something that might be important might get overlooked. But it's all agreed on.

2> Because down deep, there still isn't sufficient level of trust. I don't mean that necessarily in a negative way - i.e that there are suspicions of hidden motives etc. It may in some cases be lack of trust that you are really totally on the same page, have developed the necessary communication skills required etc. But regardless of the reasoning, sound or twisted, it still comes down to a lack of trust or need to "control".
And THOSE are the seeds of destruction.

So I advocate having that deep look and being honest about what you find. Because if there's hints of # 2, there's more homework required. Better get to it !

GS
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  #30  
Old 04-15-2010, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by tinylove View Post

Maybe I am the only one here who feels this way and if that is so then who cares.
There is two big and yet different views that seem to come into play when I listen to people at our monthly poly meetings. They relate to how people view poly as a movement and how others merely use the word to describe a very specific relationship dynamic they find themselves in.

One is that poly is a way of life and a model they want to govern the world...a world of free love without boarders where everyone is connected and love/touch is used to overcome issues. This idea is not one that accepts the idea of closed relationships among multiple people..everyone is free to be fluid, relationships come and go but there is never a restriction, everything is possible.
All relationships are open relationships.

Then there is the other people who just happen to have fallen in love with more than one person and have found a way to incorporate more than one love into thier life. They aren't looking for another, they are not in open relationships.

I feel the same way you do. No worries, you are not alone This has nothing to do with underlying issues or insecurities..it has to do with being true to yourself and understanding how you love and how you want to be loved.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-15-2010 at 03:04 PM.
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