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  #11  
Old 04-28-2014, 10:28 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
It's actually reassuring to me to hear about other crazy metamours Not that I don't feel for you :-p
Thanks. LOL. Yeah, there are always going to be people...

By the way, that raises a question, since I'm still learning the terms... Is his ex-wife my metamour even though they're not married and the only relationship he has with her is co-parenting their son?
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  #12  
Old 04-29-2014, 12:23 AM
BDaemon BDaemon is offline
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Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
I come at this from a different perspective, my husband kept the other woman in his life secret from me. By the time I found out it had already ended and it had caused them both a lot of hurt and heartache. For me the greatest hurt was being lied to and it took a lot of hard work to get past it and begin to rebuild trust again. The story has a happy ending because we have gradually built a much more honest and open relationship but it could so easily have had a very different outcome.

Four years later his 'secret woman' is still an important part of our lives. I don't blame her for what happened but she sold herself short and caused herself a lot of unhappiness. It really isn't worth it, don't settle for being someone's secret, you deserve better than that.
I have to ask how this was broached. Were you mono before and after you two talked and rebuilt trust, did you see things differently and see poly differently overall?

I kind of have been through what Tigger is describing myself, and fairly recently. I was the secret and he is married. We didn't get too far into things before we agreed we had to back off in order to figure out how we can go forward and it NOT have to be a secret (something I'd wanted from the start because I honestly like his wife and want them to be able to stay married). However the problem lies in how to broach the subject, when the two of us are completely new to the idea of a poly situation and have no idea how to even approach his wife that won't ruin things for them.

Hence why I ask. I detest the idea of sneaking around and constantly walking on eggshells (to say nothing of the damage I know it can cause), but when you've found someone you know you want to spend the rest of your life with....what approach is actually the "right" one?

Last edited by BDaemon; 04-29-2014 at 12:26 AM.
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  #13  
Old 04-29-2014, 12:24 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Without a partner's knowledge and consent, it is cheating. And cheating is based on lies, unethical, and NOT POLYAMORY.

When I was young and naive, I gave in to being a secret mistress of married, lying cheaters a few times. While there can be a rush and thrill to have these clandestine affairs, the situation takes its toll on you with all the hiding, lying, and guilt, and is ultimately unsatisfying.

No matter how much the chemicals in your brain tell you that you must be with someone and how overwhelmingly compatible you imagine yourselves to be, if their partner must be betrayed and lied to in order for you to be with them, they are NOT for you. That is bullshit you tell yourself to justify getting what you want, even though you know you shouldn't go there. Don't let yourself be tempted. If your love interest wants to open his or her marriage, it could be a process of a year or two before they are even ready. Respect their relationship by looking elsewhere.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-29-2014 at 12:44 AM.
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  #14  
Old 04-29-2014, 02:00 AM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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Originally Posted by BDaemon View Post
I have to ask how this was broached. Were you mono before and after you two talked and rebuilt trust, did you see things differently and see poly differently overall?

I kind of have been through what Tigger is describing myself, and fairly recently. I was the secret and he is married. We didn't get too far into things before we agreed we had to back off in order to figure out how we can go forward and it NOT have to be a secret (something I'd wanted from the start because I honestly like his wife and want them to be able to stay married). However the problem lies in how to broach the subject, when the two of us are completely new to the idea of a poly situation and have no idea how to even approach his wife that won't ruin things for them.

Hence why I ask. I detest the idea of sneaking around and constantly walking on eggshells (to say nothing of the damage I know it can cause), but when you've found someone you know you want to spend the rest of your life with....what approach is actually the "right" one?
I'm sorry but if you seriously want to know which approach is the right one, I would say that the right thing to do is to leave well alone and stop kidding yourself. If he is married and he is still with his wife, he is there because that's where he chooses to be. If he is seeing you without her knowledge he is cheating on the person that he chose to marry. He may honestly think he loves you, but even so if he is prepared to treat his wife like that, sooner or later he will treat you like that too. If he wants to open up his relationship this is not the way to do it, I don't have any facts and figures but this way will cause hurt to all concerned and it probably has a very slim chance of working out as you would like.

To answer your question, no we were not poly before. I didn't even know there was such a thing at the time. You use the phrase "after you talked and rebuilt trust" as if it was just a matter of talking it through and getting over it - it isn't! It's a very slow painful process and it will probably never be possible to regain the degree of trust that once existed. In our case I knew why he cheated (but I'm not excusing his behaviour) and to be fair to him he had tried to talk to me about the issue before, but none of that makes it okay to lie to me and betray my trust.

At the time he was begging forgiveness and promising that he would never do it again. It was me that encouraged him to get back with her and he had a hard time with that idea at first. It took a while before they got back together and it was rocky to begin with. My reason at the time was mostly gut instinct, it is very hard to explain it logically. I knew that she met a need that I did not, and I knew it was wrong to ask him to deny that aspect of himself. It works very well now, but I think a lot of the credit for that is down to the fact that the other woman and I get on well and we have become very close, when issues arise we deal with them together. I don't know, but I suspect that our situation is fairly unusual, my guess is that few relationships would survive in the way that ours has.
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  #15  
Old 04-29-2014, 02:31 AM
BDaemon BDaemon is offline
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Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
I'm sorry but if you seriously want to know which approach is the right one, I would say that the right thing to do is to leave well alone and stop kidding yourself.
I guess I walked into that one......

There is a lot more to my situation (and I lot less than you probably think as well), but I guess it makes no difference. Sorry to ask.

Last edited by BDaemon; 04-29-2014 at 02:35 AM.
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  #16  
Old 04-29-2014, 02:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BDaemon View Post
I was the secret and he is married. We didn't get too far into things before we agreed we had to back off in order to figure out how we can go forward and it NOT have to be a secret (something I'd wanted from the start because I honestly like his wife and want them to be able to stay married). However the problem lies in how to broach the subject, when the two of us are completely new to the idea of a poly situation and have no idea how to even approach his wife that won't ruin things for them . . . when you've found someone you know you want to spend the rest of your life with....what approach is actually the "right" one?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
I'm sorry but if you seriously want to know which approach is the right one, I would say that the right thing to do is to leave well alone and stop kidding yourself. If he is married and he is still with his wife, he is there because that's where he chooses to be. If he is seeing you without her knowledge he is cheating on the person that he chose to marry. He may honestly think he loves you, but even so if he is prepared to treat his wife like that, sooner or later he will treat you like that too. If he wants to open up his relationship this is not the way to do it . . .
Quote:
Originally Posted by BDaemon View Post
There is a lot more to my situation (and I lot less than you probably think as well), but I guess it makes no difference. Sorry to ask.
Oh, so you only want answers that tell you what you want to hear instead of actual constructive feedback? You want us to say that lying and cheating behind a spouse's back is all puppies, cupcakes, and rainbows, and yes, it can lead to happy poly? You want us to tell you to go and confront his wife and tell her you're in loooooove with her husband, so she should "please open up your marriage so we can be together?" You want us to paint a picture of a happy ending when that is very unlikely? Ain't gonna happen. Let us know when you're ready to face reality.

Did you read my previous post in this thread? When a couple considers opening up from monogamy to polyamory, it could take years of deep discussion and therapy and wrestling with painful issues before they are both ready for poly - and there is no guarantee that will ever happen. They might renew their commitment to a monogamous marriage or split up altogether, and you don't want to be involved with a brokenhearted man who has lost everything.

No matter how much "more" there is to the situation, as you see it, you are deluding yourself to think that you have to make it happen. You have been playing with fire and you think no one will get burned. You've put this man in a situation where he is forced to lie to someone he loves. Do you think she will accept that betrayal and say, "Oh, poly? Okay, hon, go for it!" There is no reason to be so selfish.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-29-2014 at 03:00 AM.
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  #17  
Old 04-29-2014, 02:44 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
Thanks. LOL. Yeah, there are always going to be people...

By the way, that raises a question, since I'm still learning the terms... Is his ex-wife my metamour even though they're not married and the only relationship he has with her is co-parenting their son?
Nope. She is not a metamore. She is just an ex wife and mother of his child. She cannot legally deny him visitation just because he has a girlfriend. She has to abide by what is in their court ordered parenting plan or be in contempt of court.
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  #18  
Old 04-29-2014, 05:50 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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I'm quite saddened by the number of people on this thread who talk about the fun of being their lover's secret lover. Also by the justification that it's an okay thing to do because even if the affair is found out, the pain caused to the unknowing partner of the lover will probably be a growth experience for them.

Bloody hell - have some compassion. People report being lied to by their partner about a fundamental part of their life together as utter devastating. It isn't something that they tend to get over quickly and in some cases, they don't get over it at all. I can't imagine why anybody would want to be involved in bringing that level of hurt into the life of a complete stranger who has done you no harm.

I get that you guys want to have additional relationships but I very much don't like the attempts to justify doing that in a way that is likely to introduce a whole pile of hurt into somebody else's life.

Yuck, yuck, yuck.
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  #19  
Old 04-29-2014, 06:49 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
I'm quite saddened by the number of people on this thread who talk about the fun of being their lover's secret lover. Also by the justification that it's an okay thing to do because even if the affair is found out, the pain caused to the unknowing partner of the lover will probably be a growth experience for them.
What?

Yours is the 18th post in this thread and the majority of people are AGAINST being the secret lover:

#1 = the OP
#2 = Inyourendo = No
#3 = icesong = No
#4 = ME = No
#5 = sweetersong = no if men, yes if women = maybe
#6 = the OP
#7 = Norwegianpoly = did it before, wouldn't do it again = No
#8 = KC43 = ok to be secret from ex, otherwise = No
#9 = PolyinPractice = n/a
#10 = Kernow = No
#11 = KC43 (again) = n/a
#12 = BDaemon = did it/backed off = maybe
#13 = nycindie = did it, not worth it = No
#14 = Kernow (again) = n/a
#15 = BDaemon (again) = n/a
#16 = nycindie (again) = still No, and n/a
#17 = Inyourendo (again) = n/a

So of the 10 responders in this thread we have 7 NO's and 2 maybe's and 1 no vote. Of those 10, 3 have been secret lovers and 2 of those wouldn't do it again. ONE person admitted that it was "a bit fun"...I hardly think that translates to a "number of people"...
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  #20  
Old 04-29-2014, 07:24 AM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
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Having been a few times someone's "secret", and seeing where it can lead;
One both or all relationships involved around the secret can be negatively impacted if things come to light in a sudden and negative way. (3rd party accidental discovery by a mutual acquaintance for example) which tends to prohibit any chance of explaining context rhetorics and terms to the person not party to the "secret". And the fallout can be quite damaging.

If you're OK with the risk of a relationship being explosively destroyed (possibly your own) the situation can be more positive than otherwise, but keep in mind "secrets" can become disposable when they become too much to maintain, and often when someone wants to keep you a secret, it's often because their involvement with you would cost them an "intolerable" amount of back pedaling, difficult decisions, interpersonal anguish and shame.

Not always, but often.
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