Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 04-20-2014, 01:21 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Is he a boyfriend after two weeks? I think that's the question. This isn't a bunch of poly people being horrible, Op. I think it's pretty much universal that two weeks isn't enough time for you to formulate the level of expectation you have of this guy. You might really like him, but at this stage, it's too soon to be thinking of him as an established partner.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 04-20-2014, 01:22 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ashley612 View Post
Not sure how to answer this without sounding defensive. The "change" was at first he was all crazy gangbusters and then it changed extremely in a short amount of time. I am not "clingy", but I am intense and passionate. Just don't like mixed signals.

Quite frankly, some of the responses I've really appreciate giving me some insight. This is all very new to me. Other seem very judgemental, and not very much making a newbie like me to want to participate further in this forum. Hopefully i get less judgement being a lurker.
Ashley, no one here is trying to be hurtful. When emotional issues get discussed, emotional terminology is used. Hearing things like "needy" and "puppy love" can seem rough, but youre getting an objective viewpoint from people who are taking their time and energy and brainpower to help.

Ive said it before and ill say it again. One of the main adjustments a newly poly person has to make is learning not to invest more emotion than they can handle losing.In other words, being able to be self-contained and self-reliant if they dont get the response they want back. That may dash some people's ideas of a whirlwind romantic love where you give all of yourself to someone, but that's how you dont get hurt.

The criticial piece of data that everyone seems to be keying off of is the two week relationship duration. Can you agree that in the grand scheme of things this is really, really short? In one sense, no matter how short, everyone is due decent behavior from the person they are dating. No doubt. But on a realistic basis, in a big, bad world, where people do crappy things, you have to be prepared for someone youve only known for two weeks to possibly turn out to be a jerk.

The best movie in the world for someone in your situation is Swingers. It doesnt match how you got in your situation, but it does help you laugh at how to deal with it.

Hope things get better.
__________________
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 04-20-2014, 07:26 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,161
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ashley612 View Post
I am not "clingy", but I am intense and passionate.
To clarify what I wrote earlier, I did not unequivocally state that YOU are clingy.

I said that, during the first two weeks of MY dating someone, if he was as focused on me as you are on this guy, showed disappointment by not seeing as much enthusiasm as he expected from me, and then confronted me by saying he felt "strung along" because I hadn't made enough of an effort to see him within that extremely short amount of time, I would see HIM as clingy.

There is a difference between how I worded that and pronouncing judgment on you. I was simply illustrating for you what my reaction would be, because I am a person who likes some distance in relationships and values my alone time. I dislike feeling pressured and I find it puzzling that anyone would have such high expectations for someone they just started seeing and barely knew - and I say this as someone who married my husband after only knowing him five months!

So, while I was very excited in the first few weeks about my budding relationship with the man I eventually married, I still didn't have such heavy expectations about where it would go at that early stage. I was still seeing other people and so was he, and I simply appreciated those times when it worked for us to get together. I did not make demands on him, and he found that attractive and voluntarily wanted to spend more time with me because he liked how easy-going I was. Things came together for us after about three months, and we just decided to move in together and get married without a long engagement.

So, I do understand when something is intensely passionate and feels really right! But I think one needs to keep their feet on the ground and look at things logically. Two weeks is no time at all.

Basically, my saying that perhaps someone might see your actions and approach as too needy and clingy, I was offering you a perspective you may not have considered, as a possibility that perhaps this guy is similar to me when it comes to developing a relationship.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 04-20-2014, 10:40 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
Ive said it before and ill say it again. One of the main adjustments a newly poly person has to make is learning not to invest more emotion than they can handle losing.
Not poly-specific. It's a skill that everyone should have when dating, unless they're uncanny at selecting people who routinely fall in love on the first date.

Never invest more _____ than you can handle losing. Money in the stock market, time into a project, emotion into a relationship... Whatever you do in life, always make sure you can pull out without losing everything you hold dear. Well, except having kids. Don't pull out from that until they're out of the house...
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 04-26-2014, 04:49 PM
TiagodaCruz TiagodaCruz is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 11
Smile Talk and flow

Hi...
In my experience talking about things until everything is clear always pays off.
Then you will know and decide what to do.

As for the unpleasant feelings, accept them, don't fight them. Let them flow through you until they leave you. Feel them but don't focus on them let them pass. Focus on other stuff, stuff that you like. Keep available for other people as well, don't attack too much to a person you are not sure (but don't close yourself either). Keep things flowing and solutions and new situations will come along.

Well... these are my two cents. I hope they help.

Cheers and much love.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:59 PM.