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  #11  
Old 04-24-2014, 02:21 AM
pillowsock pillowsock is offline
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Dear all,

thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. I'm digesting all the things that everyone put forth (including the piece by Poe). I think one of the the most important things that I'm trying to take away from this is that it is pretty normal to feel this way when beginning this way of life and that I need to struggle through it if I want to grow. If I wasn't so into this girl, I think things would be a bit easier.

To clarify some of the questions people asked, we do hook up with other people some times, I just don't like the way it makes me feel knowing that she's doing so. I'm sure she feels similar about me.

That my shitty feelings come from deep fears is just what I have deduced, as all feelings of jealousy originate from fear. I would say that in reality most of our fears are irrational but some are rational.

My reasoning for wanting our relationship to be poly probably is more of a reaction against monogamy rather than a desire for polyamory, but these things aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. I do not like the control/restrictiveness of monogamous relationships. I see polyamory as an alternative to this. Potentially, a way to be with the person I am in love with long term without having our other needs/desires stifled.

Thanks again to everyone I'll try to provide some type of update...
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  #12  
Old 04-24-2014, 06:05 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
we do hook up with other people some times, I just don't like the way it makes me feel knowing that she's doing so. I'm sure she feels similar about me.
How does it make you feel?

Let me repeat that back so I know I got it.
  • You share sex with X. (Do you enjoy this share?)
  • She thinks about you sharing sex with X. She feels yucky.
  • She shares sex with Y. (Does she enjoy this share?)
  • You think about her sharing sex with Y. You feel yucky.

Why share sex with others like this then -- casual hook ups? Is it so awesome y'all want to put yourselves through this yucky?

It's ok to wait to find a poly partner and be a "polyship of 2" for a while. You could be single and still be "poly" -- it isn't the # of lovers that makes you polyamorous.

Quote:
I do not like the control/restrictiveness of monogamous relationships. I see polyamory as an alternative to this. Potentially, a way to be with the person I am in love with long term without having our other needs/desires stifled.
Set aside "relationship shape" for a moment. If you listed your wants and needs in a relationship, what would they be?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-24-2014 at 06:14 AM.
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  #13  
Old 04-24-2014, 11:59 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Location: Montgomery, AL
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This thread is proof that this forum doesnt try to push everyone int polyamory.
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Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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  #14  
Old 04-26-2014, 09:43 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pillowsock View Post
To clarify some of the questions people asked, we do hook up with other people some times, I just don't like the way it makes me feel knowing that she's doing so. I'm sure she feels similar about me.
[QUOTE=pillowsock;265434] My reasoning for wanting our relationship to be poly probably is more of a reaction against monogamy rather than a desire for polyamory [QUOTE]

I wonder if your feeling shit when your girlfriend hooks up with others and your view of polyamory as an escape from monogamy are linked.

I think that there is a big difference between a person doing something because it is what they want to do and doing something because it's an escape from something else.

I reckon that difficulties and worries are easier to deal with for the person who is doing something that they want to do. Harder for folks who are doing something as an escape.


Quote:
I do not like the control/restrictiveness of monogamous relationships. I see polyamory as an alternative to this. Potentially, a way to be with the person I am in love with long term without having our other needs/desires stifled.
The notion that a relationship structure can provide freedom while a different sort of structure can provide restriction is one that I just don't understand. The structure of a relationship cannot do either of those things - they happen because of the people in the relationships.

For me, things are clearer when I think about what I do want out of life than they are when I spend time thinking about what I don't want.

I think that it is easier also to spend time and effort working to get what I do want than working to escape what I don't want.

IP
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