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Old 04-25-2014, 05:19 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Default I need help, my boyfriend is just dating one woman after another!

Since last June, my bf Ginger has dated or attempted to date one man and four women. The guy and one woman-- those relationships didnt get off the ground. They IMed a lot, but he never ultimately dated the guy, and the other woman was unappealing in person. Shortly after that he took up with Mischa and then, with a slight overlap, with The Buddhist. He saw both of them 3 or 4 times, had some sexy time, much drama, emotions, HSV concerns, and then the relationships ended.

We had a 2 month break, and now he's taken up with one of the woman from his drum and dance community. It's been a week since she started IMing him and hitting on him and they've gone from being mere acquaintances to "romantic and affectionate," on FB chat. They met at an event since then, but were limited to burning gazes across a crowded room.

She is married, 20 years his junior, with 3 very young children and a mono husband. They only opened their relationship last fall when she had a thing for another guy, but that didn't work out.

I am just worn out from this rollercoaster, having to hear about just one woman after another, all the IMing, the flirting, the negotiations, the travel to see one or another, the dates, how far they went sexually. Ginger likes to share details, but I am not feeling compersion. However, I do not think more or less details would help me. That's not really the issue.

And now, with this poly noob, Carla, she didn't even tell her husband about her feelings for Ginger until a few days AFTER she started IMing him to flirt with him and get to know him better. In fact, her h was away in Europe on business when she first IMed Ginger, while her babies were napping!

Now, her husband is apparently struggling, and so am I. But Ginger and Carla are determined to get something going. Ginger is just champing at the bit while Carla negotiates with "David." NRE like crazy.

Meanwhile my back has been in pain since I injured it 2 months ago. I just started osteopathic therapy but with no reduction in pain yet. Also, Ginger is going to have prostate surgery quite soon, he is just waiting to be put on the surgeon's schedule. Also, my gf miss pixi is also in NRE, she's had 3 dates with a guy who suits her very well. I have no jealousy around that, just compersion. I think it's great. But it is just one more complication that is making me out of sorts.

I guess I think Ginger is too polysaturated. He doesn't think he is. He is having a hard time understanding that a poly person is polysaturated when they start missing out on meeting the needs of one of their established lovers. He is attentive to me, but my need for stability and balance and feeling understood is way off.

He has Apserger's syndrome, and its hard bridging that gap sometimes.

What should I do? I feel like I am at the mercy of his desires for her, and her husband's issues. My needs, desires and issues? Overlooked.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 04-25-2014 at 05:26 PM. Reason: typos
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  #2  
Old 04-25-2014, 06:54 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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When my ex husband and I separated I made it clear i wasn't interested in hearing about or meeting anyone that he was casually dating. Is that something you can do? Can he honor that?
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Old 04-25-2014, 08:16 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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do you feel that it changes anything in the way he is interacting with you? less attentive/ he's spending less time with you / etc.
in my book, that would be something I would address. "Hey, something's changed, and I don't like it, can we talk about this?"

but if his relationship with you is basically the same as it used to be.. I don't think there's much you can do.

my husband goes through phases where he is dating a LOT. I don't like it because I don't like him when he's in NRE, But there's nothing I can do about it really except ask for respect for our date nights (no texting other women on our date nights) and not tell me too many details (he likes to talk about the details, I don't like hearing about them) and then wait it out... because I would never ask him to not date when he wants to date.
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Old 04-25-2014, 09:18 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post

He has Apserger's syndrome, and its hard bridging that gap sometimes.

What should I do? I feel like I am at the mercy of his desires for her, and her husband's issues. My needs, desires and issues? Overlooked.
Well, if he's diagnosed Asperger's, there's some definite possible issues. By definition, they cannot feel empathy. He cannot put himself in your shoes emotionally They do not generally do well with suggestions or hints, and while no one is a mind-reader, Aspie folks are even less so. They usually have difficulties with facial expressions, body language, tonal implications, etc. It's not that he's overlooking your emotions, desires, etc. It's that he literally doesn't know they exist, and will have difficulty prioritizing them once he does. Not because he's a bad person, but because that's his hardwiring.

The upshot is that it's likely you'll just have to be very, very direct and blunt, which is what most Asperger's folks find the most comfortable form of communication.

Honestly, it's also worth exploring whether poly is something he'll be able to handle overall. Many folks with Asperger's have significant issues maintaining healthy romantic relationships with even one person, because they lack some of the hardwiring that NTs (neuro-typical folks) have to help them manage relationships. The best explanation I've heard for how stressful relationships can be for those with Asperger's: imagine you had to do trigonometry in your head from the moment you woke up to the moment you went to sleep, without a calculator or even pen and paper. Now add the stress of having never had a trig class. Now pile onto it that your entire relationship, and your entire life, hinges on you getting the right answers.

I am not saying stop the poly, just that it is worth considering he may have challenges that may make it more difficult than it otherwise might be, and that addressing those head on in plain, direct ways as soon as possible might help.

(and yes, there's a background as to why I know all this, but I can't really go into it without revealing much more personal information than I am comfortable)
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Old 04-25-2014, 09:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you are struggling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn
I guess I think Ginger is too polysaturated. He doesn't think he is. He is having a hard time understanding that a poly person is polysaturated when they start missing out on meeting the needs of one of their established lovers. He is attentive to me, but my need for stability and balance and feeling understood is way off.
He thinks he isn't polysaturated, you think he is.

Could sidestepping that whole thing and focussing more on your needs rather than his "polysaturated-ness" yield more productive conversation? For instance...
  • Is he aware that your needs for stability, balance, and being understood are not being met?
  • Can he repeat back what he understands your needs are accurately to you?
  • Can he repeat back what you would like in his behavior to help meet those needs?

Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenAcres
The upshot is that it's likely you'll just have to be very, very direct and blunt, which is what most Asperger's folks find the most comfortable form of communication.
I agree. That's also been my experience with Asperger folks.

Galagirl
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  #6  
Old 04-25-2014, 10:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenAcres View Post
Well, if he's diagnosed Asperger's, there's some definite possible issues. By definition, they cannot feel empathy. He cannot put himself in your shoes emotionally They do not generally do well with suggestions or hints, and while no one is a mind-reader, Aspie folks are even less so. They usually have difficulties with facial expressions, body language, tonal implications, etc. It's not that he's overlooking your emotions, desires, etc. It's that he literally doesn't know they exist, and will have difficulty prioritizing them once he does. Not because he's a bad person, but because that's his hardwiring.
Yes, I understand what being Asperger's means. In fact, my father is on the spectrum. Ginger is, his wife is, and their 2 sons are. I have been with him for over 2 years, he is 61 years old.

Thing is, he feels less Aspie than he did 15 years ago. He tells me he became more neurotypical over time. He may not read body language or take hints the way NTs do, but he loves to cuddle, eye gaze and have sex as often as possible.

Quote:
The upshot is that it's likely you'll just have to be very, very direct and blunt, which is what most Asperger's folks find the most comfortable form of communication.
Right. We have had several hours long talks about all this. Believe me, I have no trouble in being blunt. I am your typical New Yorker, I am not into innnuendo or passive aggressiveness. I know what I want and I say what I mean.

Quote:
Honestly, it's also worth exploring whether poly is something he'll be able to handle overall. Many folks with Asperger's have significant issues maintaining healthy romantic relationships with even one person, because they lack...
Ginger has been with his wife for over 25 years and they have been poly all that time, although she chooses not to date. She is more Aspie than he is, more introverted.
Quote:
I am not saying stop the poly, just that it is worth considering he may have challenges that may make it more difficult than it otherwise might be, and that addressing those head on in plain, direct ways as soon as possible might help.
Thanks. I will continue to be blunt, while trying to not literally hit him over the head.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #7  
Old 04-25-2014, 10:18 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
When my ex husband and I separated I made it clear i wasn't interested in hearing about or meeting anyone that he was casually dating. Is that something you can do? Can he honor that?
Well, thing is, Ginger and I are not separated. I can see not wanting to hear much about one's ex's new love interests, but Ginger and I are emotionally intimate. I did say in my OP that he is thinking he should tell me less about Carla and his interactions. Trouble is, then my imagination will go wild, imagining they are at stage X when they are really at stage Y. Or thinking he is bored when he really got done shagging her.

Don't ask don't tell seems so sad and isolating. But maybe I need to not know. Maybe I need to tap into my submissive side and tell myself, Master can do what he wants. When he is with me he is 100% into me. What he does when we are not together is none of my goddam business.

I sure do not want to spend 75% of our time together (face to face or in our IM chats throughout the day) talking about Carla and her husband and kids and where she went that day.

What about events though? Do I need to stop going to drum circles because SHE will be there? Would it be good for me to witness their yearning and lust? Is that HER realm now and closed to me?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #8  
Old 04-25-2014, 10:21 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
do you feel that it changes anything in the way he is interacting with you? less attentive/ he's spending less time with you / etc.
in my book, that would be something I would address. "Hey, something's changed, and I don't like it, can we talk about this?"

but if his relationship with you is basically the same as it used to be.. I don't think there's much you can do.
What does this "doing nothing" look like? Do I force myself somehow not to think about him? So far, no distractions work because he is bound to mention her in one way or another every day.

Quote:
my husband goes through phases where he is dating a LOT. I don't like it because I don't like him when he's in NRE, But there's nothing I can do about it really except ask for respect for our date nights (no texting other women on our date nights) and not tell me too many details (he likes to talk about the details, I don't like hearing about them) and then wait it out... because I would never ask him to not date when he wants to date.
How do you "wait it out?"
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #9  
Old 04-25-2014, 10:30 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
He thinks he isn't polysaturated, you think he is.

Could sidestepping that whole thing and focusing more on your needs rather than his "polysaturated-ness" yield more productive conversation? For instance...
  • Is he aware that your needs for stability, balance, and being understood are not being met?
  • Can he repeat back what he understands your needs are accurately to you?
  • Can he repeat back what you would like in his behavior to help meet those needs?
Well, you know, Gala Girl, I am trained in responsive listening skills, doing it and requesting others to communicate in that style with me as well. We used that wonderful list of needs and feelings here:https://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory yesterday when chatting online. I think it helped him to see lists of needs and feelings, what needs he is meeting by all this dating, what I am feeling since he is shaking our world up every 2 months with a new romantic interest.

But then he'll say, "I am sad. I havent got my surgery date yet, and I feel sad that Carla and David need to work things out, worried our relationship will never get anywhere."

So what am I supposed to say then? It's a struggle to not get all sarcastic and say, "Oh, poor baby, wants to go fuck someone and her hubby wubby won't let you. Poor poor baby."

I mean, it's only been 2 weeks. He's all moony and wishes he could jump in the sack with her right now. I know how he is. And she seems very much of the same mind. So the big bad husband and gf feel strange about this sudden infatuation? Tough shit. Their "love" overrides all else. NRE for the win!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #10  
Old 04-25-2014, 10:38 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I think the Aspie bit is getting "locked in" to something. He's locked in to her now and it gets a bit obsessive.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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