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View Poll Results: What type of poly origin did you have?
I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy 17 12.88%
I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before 48 36.36%
I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle 18 13.64%
I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me 8 6.06%
Other 41 31.06%
Voters: 132. You may not vote on this poll

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  #421  
Old 04-22-2014, 12:46 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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I'll admit to a certain degree of using my relationship-style to correct a perceived lack of love and physical affection during childhood. I was an only child, my 'rents had me too young, and we lived in isolation with no family and no involvement in the community. It is perhaps not surprising that I grew up with little faith or interest in traditional family, and seek a different kind of tribe for myself.

I am a sponge for love/touch/intimacy, I can never get enough. It's maddening but also beautiful, because my capacity to GIVE all that back seems limitless. I can be more than a little intense in my relationships, and I know I can be a handful for one person. So, yes, my childhood experience has colored how I'm designing my relationships for the second half of my life.

I also admit there's an element of rebellion. Why should I stick to rules I didn't create, that don't feel natural to me, and that only frustrate me? I always knew I was "different," and didn't want the kind of life I saw most people getting bogged down in (meaningless work for material goods, stale marriages, children--because as a women, you're expected to have them.) So, yeah, I'm rebelling against all that too.
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  #422  
Old 04-22-2014, 03:34 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
20 years with some degree of "love" and you don't consider it to be an "important" relationship at all?
I have been pondering this question she you posed it to me. First off - what defines an "important relationship"? (To me first off, and then, to others.) And then then the relative significance when you add the "at all" at the end of the question.

My relationship with VV over the years is "important" in the sense that, through our experiences together I have learned a lot about who I am and how I participate in and view relationships/friendships/sexuality. Our undefined relationship is a continuous thread weaving itself in and out of the fabric of "who I am" and how I see myself.

VV herself is "important" to me in that I care about her, wish her all the best in life and am happier knowing that she is happy (i.e. "love" by some definitions). I would go out of my way to please her and know that she would do the same for me - although this has never really come into play - we are both fundamentally happy people and generally don't ask anything of each other as we are satisfied with "how things are". I get excited and filled with joy when I know I will be seeing her but we don't go out of our way to make that happen (if she is traveling West to see family she will sometimes stop in for an evening at the end of her trip, if we are traveling East we invite her along for a portion of our journey).

(PS. This is not terribly different from how I relate to my other close friends that live elsewhere - they are "important" to me in similar ways. If they were not, they would not be my friends.)

On the other hand, if you are using a scale of "amount of time and energy you invest" as a metric of the "importance" of a relationship ... then that is minimal (would that qualify as "at all"?) Our relationship/friendship has always been effortless, without expectation (and hence, without disappointment), and requiring little "maintenance". When we have the opportunity to see each other, we do - and enjoy our time together immensely (with or without sex depending on the circumstances). When we do not see each other - we may think of each other fondly and hope that the other is enjoying life. If it's been a while (6 months or so) and we haven't spoken, then one of us may send a txt or leave a msg ("x/y/z made me think of you today - hope you are happy and life is treating you well"). If one of our mutual friends sees the other, they will send back greetings and any news.

How do others define an "important relationship"?
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


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The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-22-2014 at 03:44 PM.
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  #423  
Old 04-22-2014, 05:54 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
How do others define an "important relationship"?
Your description above is pretty much spot on how I would choose to quantify a valuable relationship.

I've read what you wrote a couple of times and I don't see anything suggesting that you didn't find the relationship important.
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  #424  
Old 04-23-2014, 12:47 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
First off - what defines an "important relationship"? (To me first off, and then, to others.)
I suppose it's not an objectively answerable question. What one person finds important may be completely irrelevant to someone else. But what you explained makes a lot of sense, probably for a lot of people.

Quote:
On the other hand, if you are using a scale of "amount of time and energy you invest" as a metric of the "importance" of a relationship ...
Quality over Quantity? I'm totally down with that.

Quote:
How do others define an "important relationship"?
The best I can come up with is this: Have they contributed in any way to my personal growth? The amount of the contribution obviously factors in to the level of importance, but I think any relationship that leaves me better than when I met them had some amount of importance in my life.

So not important "at all" means they have had absolutely zero effect on my personal growth. They were just "there" and if they hadn't been there, I'd be pretty much exactly the same person I am today, short a few memories.
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  #425  
Old 04-24-2014, 06:18 PM
MinaRica MinaRica is offline
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Default logic and reasoning

My first run in with the term polyamory was a documentary I saw, about 5 years ago, on Jaiya Ma. I was amazed that she was so comfortable and open about being in a loving relationship with two men.

I was raised in a strict conservative christian religion, and knew from childhood that my duty was to marry young and have lots of kids. I was always commitment phobic, the idea of being eternally monogamous terrified me. It felt like I would be stuck, forever. Religious indoctrination is hard to overcome. I got married young, like I was supposed to. After 11 years of marriage, we both managed to leave the faith of our upbringing. This new found freedom allowed me to question everything, and use rational thinking and critical reason. Polyamory makes sense to me, logically and emotionally.
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  #426  
Old 04-24-2014, 06:55 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Heh, sounds a little like my experience with the Mormon church.
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  #427  
Old 04-24-2014, 07:36 PM
MinaRica MinaRica is offline
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Default It was!

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Heh, sounds a little like my experience with the Mormon church.
It was the mormon church! Born and bred, broke free in 2012. Crazy, right?
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  #428  
Old 04-24-2014, 07:45 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Haha, crazy is exactly right.

The completion of my exodus was on October 8, 2002. Took me almost a year to convince the powers that be to remove my name from the roles of the church. Yeah I was that serious about it. My younger brother's sentiment (for himself) was, "It's not worth my bother to get my name removed."

Ah, the freedom to question everything, and use rational thinking and critical reason. Makes me wonder how I ever lived without it.

Glad we're both here!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #429  
Old 06-25-2014, 01:10 PM
confusedbigirl confusedbigirl is offline
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Default Why?

I was wondering what everyone's reasons are for wanting I be part of a poly relationship? Why poly instead of monogamy?
I'm also very interested in polyamory, so not judging, just wanted to know others reasons.

Last edited by confusedbigirl; 06-25-2014 at 01:37 PM.
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  #430  
Old 06-25-2014, 03:29 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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I just never felt the need for monogamy, so always played around within the relationship (and sometimes cheated). Then I met a poly man (he was still mostly open at the time) who wholly accepted me for what I am, encouraged me to love and be with others, and supported me in being the best I can be.

I was, at the time, completely unattached.

Now, the thought of giving him up, to settle with someone who is LESS than that? Could not even begin to handle the idea. Why on earth would I ever take less than I have now?
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