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  #411  
Old 04-20-2014, 10:30 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Something about this rubs me the wrong way - and I'm trying to figure out what...

I think this "any loving relationship is an important part or a central feature of someone's life" This seems to imply that any relationship that ISN'T a central feature of someone's life isn't a relationship worth having, and I don't find this to be so in my personal experience. Not every relationship HAS to be "important" to the same degree - if the people in the relationship are happy and satisfied with the relationship as it exists.
I hear what you're saying. I just want to point out the subtle usage of the word "most."

Some people get into "consensual" side relationship, i.e. both people agree that it's not going to be a major part of their life, but something that can be picked up and dropped as convenient. But I think it's fair to say that "most" relationships are not like this. "Most" people who date someone in a couple aren't expecting to be treated as disposable.

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My lover-friend(FWB) VV and I have maintained our relationship at roughly the same level for 20 years. We get together (or not) as time/geography/other relationships allow. Currently we live across the state from each other and see each other 0-2 times per year, in the past we have lived together or in close proximity. Either way we are happy to let our relationship be whatever it is at the time without having to somehow make it "more" than what it is. Do we love each other? I don't consider someone even a friend unless I "love" them to some degree - I'm unwilling to expend the effort to expend ANY energy maintaining any sort of relationship with someone I don't care a great deal about (I'm an introvert, if you didn't know )
20 years with some degree of "love" and you don't consider it to be an "important" relationship at all?
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 04-20-2014 at 10:33 PM.
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  #412  
Old 04-22-2014, 12:46 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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I'll admit to a certain degree of using my relationship-style to correct a perceived lack of love and physical affection during childhood. I was an only child, my 'rents had me too young, and we lived in isolation with no family and no involvement in the community. It is perhaps not surprising that I grew up with little faith or interest in traditional family, and seek a different kind of tribe for myself.

I am a sponge for love/touch/intimacy, I can never get enough. It's maddening but also beautiful, because my capacity to GIVE all that back seems limitless. I can be more than a little intense in my relationships, and I know I can be a handful for one person. So, yes, my childhood experience has colored how I'm designing my relationships for the second half of my life.

I also admit there's an element of rebellion. Why should I stick to rules I didn't create, that don't feel natural to me, and that only frustrate me? I always knew I was "different," and didn't want the kind of life I saw most people getting bogged down in (meaningless work for material goods, stale marriages, children--because as a women, you're expected to have them.) So, yeah, I'm rebelling against all that too.
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  #413  
Old 04-22-2014, 03:34 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
20 years with some degree of "love" and you don't consider it to be an "important" relationship at all?
I have been pondering this question she you posed it to me. First off - what defines an "important relationship"? (To me first off, and then, to others.) And then then the relative significance when you add the "at all" at the end of the question.

My relationship with VV over the years is "important" in the sense that, through our experiences together I have learned a lot about who I am and how I participate in and view relationships/friendships/sexuality. Our undefined relationship is a continuous thread weaving itself in and out of the fabric of "who I am" and how I see myself.

VV herself is "important" to me in that I care about her, wish her all the best in life and am happier knowing that she is happy (i.e. "love" by some definitions). I would go out of my way to please her and know that she would do the same for me - although this has never really come into play - we are both fundamentally happy people and generally don't ask anything of each other as we are satisfied with "how things are". I get excited and filled with joy when I know I will be seeing her but we don't go out of our way to make that happen (if she is traveling West to see family she will sometimes stop in for an evening at the end of her trip, if we are traveling East we invite her along for a portion of our journey).

(PS. This is not terribly different from how I relate to my other close friends that live elsewhere - they are "important" to me in similar ways. If they were not, they would not be my friends.)

On the other hand, if you are using a scale of "amount of time and energy you invest" as a metric of the "importance" of a relationship ... then that is minimal (would that qualify as "at all"?) Our relationship/friendship has always been effortless, without expectation (and hence, without disappointment), and requiring little "maintenance". When we have the opportunity to see each other, we do - and enjoy our time together immensely (with or without sex depending on the circumstances). When we do not see each other - we may think of each other fondly and hope that the other is enjoying life. If it's been a while (6 months or so) and we haven't spoken, then one of us may send a txt or leave a msg ("x/y/z made me think of you today - hope you are happy and life is treating you well"). If one of our mutual friends sees the other, they will send back greetings and any news.

How do others define an "important relationship"?
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-22-2014 at 03:44 PM.
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  #414  
Old 04-22-2014, 05:54 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
How do others define an "important relationship"?
Your description above is pretty much spot on how I would choose to quantify a valuable relationship.

I've read what you wrote a couple of times and I don't see anything suggesting that you didn't find the relationship important.
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  #415  
Old 04-23-2014, 12:47 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
First off - what defines an "important relationship"? (To me first off, and then, to others.)
I suppose it's not an objectively answerable question. What one person finds important may be completely irrelevant to someone else. But what you explained makes a lot of sense, probably for a lot of people.

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On the other hand, if you are using a scale of "amount of time and energy you invest" as a metric of the "importance" of a relationship ...
Quality over Quantity? I'm totally down with that.

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How do others define an "important relationship"?
The best I can come up with is this: Have they contributed in any way to my personal growth? The amount of the contribution obviously factors in to the level of importance, but I think any relationship that leaves me better than when I met them had some amount of importance in my life.

So not important "at all" means they have had absolutely zero effect on my personal growth. They were just "there" and if they hadn't been there, I'd be pretty much exactly the same person I am today, short a few memories.
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  #416  
Old 04-24-2014, 06:18 PM
MinaRica MinaRica is offline
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Default logic and reasoning

My first run in with the term polyamory was a documentary I saw, about 5 years ago, on Jaiya Ma. I was amazed that she was so comfortable and open about being in a loving relationship with two men.

I was raised in a strict conservative christian religion, and knew from childhood that my duty was to marry young and have lots of kids. I was always commitment phobic, the idea of being eternally monogamous terrified me. It felt like I would be stuck, forever. Religious indoctrination is hard to overcome. I got married young, like I was supposed to. After 11 years of marriage, we both managed to leave the faith of our upbringing. This new found freedom allowed me to question everything, and use rational thinking and critical reason. Polyamory makes sense to me, logically and emotionally.
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  #417  
Old 04-24-2014, 06:55 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Heh, sounds a little like my experience with the Mormon church.
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  #418  
Old 04-24-2014, 07:36 PM
MinaRica MinaRica is offline
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Heh, sounds a little like my experience with the Mormon church.
It was the mormon church! Born and bred, broke free in 2012. Crazy, right?
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  #419  
Old 04-24-2014, 07:45 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Haha, crazy is exactly right.

The completion of my exodus was on October 8, 2002. Took me almost a year to convince the powers that be to remove my name from the roles of the church. Yeah I was that serious about it. My younger brother's sentiment (for himself) was, "It's not worth my bother to get my name removed."

Ah, the freedom to question everything, and use rational thinking and critical reason. Makes me wonder how I ever lived without it.

Glad we're both here!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #420  
Old 06-25-2014, 01:10 PM
confusedbigirl confusedbigirl is offline
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Default Why?

I was wondering what everyone's reasons are for wanting I be part of a poly relationship? Why poly instead of monogamy?
I'm also very interested in polyamory, so not judging, just wanted to know others reasons.

Last edited by confusedbigirl; 06-25-2014 at 01:37 PM.
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