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Old 04-13-2010, 07:30 PM
noob noob is offline
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Default "but why would you need to have sex with someone else? you must be so unhappy"

I'd rather not say who said this to me to protect the anonymity of my situation as much as possible. Suffice it to say it was someone close to me and not my husband and not my OSO.

I was "coming out" to her about my new relationship, and even more, about the idea that I might want to live in a poly way, even beyond this new relationship, whatever should come of it.

She totally gets why I want to talk to this other man, be very close with him, and why he gives me things I need, but cannot wrap her brain around any of that actually leading to (gasp!) sex or physical involvement. After all, I am married, have a child; it must mean my marriage sucks if I am contemplating sex with another man

I know this is untrue. My marriage is not going to fulfill me completely because of how I am wired, but it is a strong relationship; we have our problems, yes, but I love my husband very much and have no desire to leave him.

But my question is twofold: 1) How do I explain why limiting myself to "just friendship" won't work? and 2) How do I keep this type of thought (that my marriage must be bad) from seeping into my head and convincing me my marriage must be bad?

It's so seductive, I think, because it plays on such a familiar cultural truism: if you're fulfilled by one person, you won't look elsewhere; if you look elsewhere, you had the wrong person. Time to "trade up."

But I now know that script to be absolutely toxic, at least for me.

She also pulled out the giant, "But what about your KID?" card. And that I honestly don't get because my kid is a toddler, has no idea about sex or romantic love, and there's nothing to explain to her at this point except Mommy is going to visit a friend. Big deal.

But the idea that someone close to me thinks I might damaging my child is still a knife to the heart, even though I don't see how in the world I am...
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Old 04-13-2010, 07:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by noob View Post
1) How do I explain why limiting myself to "just friendship" won't work?
.

Perhaps it is better to focus on the truth that you and your husband are ok with this, that you both are onboard and that you don't have to explain it. Why do you have to even try to make "no sex" work if you both are ok with it? Why close off that avenue?

That being said...if "no sex" couldn't work and this was not ok with your husband, how would you explain it to him? I think the answer is inside you...why wouldn't it actually work? What will happen if you were to deny yourself this? Would you not be able to even have a freindship with him? What would really happen?
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Old 04-13-2010, 08:14 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I thought about this some more. I'm not sure why people need to question the mutually healthy and genuinely agreed upon relationship dynamic of adults. If you can do something that makes you happy and no one is getting hurt/manipulated or walked over than why not pursue that? Why do others want to rain on the parade of consenting adults?

Two main reasons I can think of:

A) it's not what they would do regardless of their partner's own attitude and therefore they can't understand the desire

B) they don't feel they could do it because of their partner's attitude and therefore feel supressed and angry at those who can and refuse to admit their secret desire.

I would ask them why your desires are causing them such distress? What need is it they have that requires them to understand or for you to conform to their ideals?
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Old 04-13-2010, 11:11 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I am in love with two men.
I want to show each of them the depth of my love in ALL WAYS.
I want to share the deep connection that happens when you HAVE a connection AND you make love-because it's even more than the WONDERFUL connection we share when we aren't making love.
My children (18,14,10,2 1/2) are MUCH happier when mommy, daddy and GG are happier.
They are well cared for, they never have to go to daycare or a babysitter or a public school.
They don't suffer from lack of income to pay for their comfortable home, the food they need, the clothes they need, the little treasures they want (even though I've been in medical limitation from work for 6 months now) because there are 2 men providing income to provide those things.
They don't get left out when mom and dad go on a date, they get date night with GG.
They don't get left out when GG and mom go on a date, they get date night with Daddy.

We're polyamorous, not PEDOPHILIAS so they don't participate in our sex-lives and couldn't care much less about our sex lives then they do about the state of the weather on mars today!

That would be something along the lines of my response..................
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Old 04-14-2010, 02:02 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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People say a lot of things based on incomplete understanding, I think. This person doesn't understand your love or the true nature of your relationships.

If she doesn't understand, of course she thinks and says things that you know aren't true.

If it's important, you could ask her to read up on polyamory. Or you could let her meet your loves and see that it's about caring and not about orgies.

If it's not important, shrug and smile inscrutably.

As MonoVCPHG wrote, people critique other people for a variety of reasons and often it's neither necessary nor valid. And as LR wrote, there are a LOT of reasons why poly relationships are great.
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Old 04-14-2010, 03:11 AM
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There are a lot of emotions which come up for people when having to confront the idea of a polyamarous lifestyle for the first time. I understand that you are seeking support, we all need support in our lives. But- some people will not be able to support you in this no matter how close you are to them. I think it's best to feel a person out and if it becomes obvious that they are not going to be able to offer support, then it would be best to seek the support elswhere.....from someone who is able to give it.
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Old 04-14-2010, 03:55 PM
noob noob is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
That being said...if "no sex" couldn't work and this was not ok with your husband, how would you explain it to him? I think the answer is inside you...why wouldn't it actually work? What will happen if you were to deny yourself this? Would you not be able to even have a freindship with him? What would really happen?
Mono, this is a great question. Really, I can't thank you enough for asking it. So very clarifying...

And the answer, at this point anyway, is:

To me, cutting off the possibility of sex with this man I care for, and am falling for, maybe deeply, does a disservice to something at my very core. At my very core, I feel that I need to be able to explore what I have with OSO without arbitrary restrictions being placed on me (like "I am married and this isn't what people who are married do").

I am willing to process and honor real limitations and fears my husband might have about my having sex with another person--but I am not willing to completely foreclose the possibility of sex with someone else before even getting there.

All of that said, I have not had sex with OSO; it is a long distance relationship and the opportunity hasn't arisen. I believe, but don't know, that I will be intimate with him.

But the idea of foreclosing that possibility just because wounds me very, very deeply. I think not least because of this idea--that I completely agree with--that every relationship seeks its own level. If you restrict things too much, you can't let the relationship be what it is. And the idea of missing out on authenticity, and having to live a lie, I think, is what I find most painful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I would ask them why your desires are causing them such distress? What need is it they have that requires them to understand or for you to conform to their ideals?
Another great piece of advice, thank you.

Edited to add: I appreciate where you're all coming from with your points that it doesn't really matter that much what others think who aren't in the relationship. I think over time I will be stronger and better able to really know that, but since I am so new to polyamory, I just don't have much confidence in myself, you know? I'm trying to work on that, but it's really hard not to let others' doubts and declarations of "Oh that NEVER works" get to me. Brings me down and makes me think I'm delusional, you know?

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-14-2010 at 04:24 PM. Reason: merge posts
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Old 04-14-2010, 07:00 PM
saudade saudade is offline
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Default Depends on who's asking!

Quote:
"but why would you need to have sex with someone else? you must be so unhappy"
Oh dear...

If I was talking with someone who seemed to be just trying to ruffle my feathers, I'd probably snark the question right back: "But why would you need to question my life choices? You must be so unhappy!" A "friend" keeps asking the people in my vee what it feels like to cheat/be cheated on, I think just to see if we'll react. Oi!

If the other person is really just curious and confused, though, it's a different matter. My explanation is that I'm poly so that I can have the relationship with each person in my life that makes the most sense to us. That my relationship with one person has a sexual element and makes sense doesn't preclude another relationship from involving sex too.

Noob, totally stand your ground. It's hard to feel shaky early on, but keep pushing through it, and keep sharing! We're here for you.

In cahoots,
~S
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Old 04-14-2010, 08:35 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Mon-I'm interested in your thoughts in her and my replies to your first post.

OP-
Do stand your ground, it DOES get easier with time. Many people who choose to be single for life, get the same type of question. It's a question of IGNORANCE.
The best cure of ignorance is education.
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Old 04-14-2010, 09:45 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Mon-I'm interested in your thoughts in her and my replies to your first post.

.
I'm not sure if I understand which post you are refering to ....I'm blond

I can say that on the surface the desire to have more out of other relationships and the need to explore the sexual aspect of them makes sense and why not if you can have it.

But, when I let the question and explanation seep into my core where my fundamental beliefs and understanding reside, I don't see this desire as an actual need...I see them as wants.

In short...I don't get it, especially when it causes someone you say you love discomfort and pain.
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