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View Poll Results: Did you decide to be poly in order to fill a void where your partner should be?
yes 2 13.33%
no 13 86.67%
Voters: 15. You may not vote on this poll

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  #21  
Old 04-14-2010, 08:17 AM
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Okay, after talking with my fiance I may have found a better way of voicing what I'm thinking. I have read everywhere that if something is missing in your relationship it won't get fixed by seeking someone from the outside. THIS is what I've been trying to say.
Very true.

Also, if something is missing inside of you, it won't get fixed by any relationship, no matter how deep.

When you described "needing to feel" your boyfriend's or fiance's arms wrapped around you, it tweaked my "dependency" button. Could be I'm just the independent loner type, but I've always felt that as nice as it is to be held and be with my husband, I don't "need" it.

Yes, I need physical contact with people in general (I'm human) but I always worry when I see people "need" someone specific or say they "couldn't live without" that person. It tells me they're missing something inside themselves and trying to fill it with another person.
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  #22  
Old 04-14-2010, 12:32 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Very true.

Also, if something is missing inside of you, it won't get fixed by any relationship, no matter how deep.

When you described "needing to feel" your boyfriend's or fiance's arms wrapped around you, it tweaked my "dependency" button. Could be I'm just the independent loner type, but I've always felt that as nice as it is to be held and be with my husband, I don't "need" it.

Yes, I need physical contact with people in general (I'm human) but I always worry when I see people "need" someone specific or say they "couldn't live without" that person. It tells me they're missing something inside themselves and trying to fill it with another person.
I don't thinking needing something from someone specific is a bad dependency. It's like a mother's or father's embrace. Each give you a different sensation. Sometimes you need the strength of your fathers arms to feel safe and sometimes you need the softness of your mother's embrace to feel how much she loves you. These needed embraces are different from needing or wanting any old hug. I think that we've all been bitten by the codependency monster that has jumped out of someone we've known which makes us scared of ever using the word need. The difference is while there are time when I feel I could really use a hug from my dad or my mom... They are no longer here in my life, so I have to make peace with that and remember what those embraces once felt like. I don't curl up in a ball and lock myself in my house over it. Or turn into a raving lunatic. And I'm not afraid to say I need people.

It's my first long distance relationship with my very first love from my childhood. We were only friends back then and lost contact for 10 years so in the full throws of nre and missing him all I want is to wrap My arms around him. I'm still functioning in my day to day life just fine without him here. (it doesn't mean that I LIKE him not being here, but I'm living my life nonetheless) Could I live without him? Absolutely. But I don't want to

Last edited by Ilove2men; 04-14-2010 at 12:38 PM.
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  #23  
Old 04-14-2010, 05:54 PM
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He "wants me to be enough." But he fears that even after he moves here (hes 3 1/2 hrs away) I won't be able to satisfy his need for me.

To me, it hurts being told I'm not enough. I'm poly and I didn't tell my fiance that I needed to supplement. It's hurtful.

Is it just me that doesn't think this is okay? If he wants to pursue other relationships that's one thing, but supplementing so he can stay with me and not lose his mind because he misses me seems wrong
I don't know, could just be me, but personally I understand "wanting someone to be enough" but they just aren't. I think that is one legitimate way of thinking about poly for those of us who sometimes wish we were monogamous, but just...can't do monogamy very well

I don't relate a lot to the feeling some talk about WRT poly: "I just have so much love to give." I mean, I do love connection and intimacy and am extremely curious, people-oriented, and open. But the main reason I am here, "doing" poly, is that one relationship just doesn't fill my "love cup" at the moment, or usually, for that matter. Other possibilities come up and I really deeply need to explore them to feel fulfilled. I also understand needing something specific someone can't give you, but wanting to still be with them for other things you can share.

I could see how that way of putting it could be hurtful, though, and you should definitely tell him you are hurt by his phrasing and talk through it a bit more.

Edited to add: And when I say my partner is not enough, it has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with my level of need, and desire for things he does not want. Am I weird?

Last edited by noob; 04-14-2010 at 06:02 PM.
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  #24  
Old 04-14-2010, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Yes, I need physical contact with people in general (I'm human) but I always worry when I see people "need" someone specific or say they "couldn't live without" that person. It tells me they're missing something inside themselves and trying to fill it with another person.
It's funny that you say that. Maca used to ask me questions (often) that were lead in's to try and get me say something along those lines. I would tell him that if he died tomorrow I would....... (enter 1 of a million examples here) and it would TWEAK him.
He felt insecure. He found his security in the idea that if I didn't NEED him, then I didn't love him and wouldn't stay with him.
BUT that's SO not true.

I never think about leaving him. Even when I feel like the best thing I could do is leave-which has crossed my mind, I NEVER want to.

At the same time, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don't NEED him in order to live. I would be sad if I wasn't with him, but I would live and I would thrive, just like I will live and I will thrive with him.

GG and I often talk about "alternate futures". We both (and his mother too actually) have dreamt of alternate futures for ourself.
Not like "oh I wish it were like this instead". One for me is that I live in Italy. One for him is him living in New York-alone, in an apartment there, an author.
It's not so much a HOPE.
We're both VERY happy with the life choices we've made.
It's just another OPTION that could have been. Some of them I dream, wake up and think THANK GOD that isn't REALLY my life. Because as interesting as it is-it's not what I want NOW in my life.
If I lost Maca, I would be moved into creating an alternate future than the one I envision. I do NOT want to do that-but if the choice were taken from me, I would do that.

I LOVE having his arms around me. I LOVE curling up on my right side, feeling his body wrapped around behind me. I LOVE having GG's arms around me, I LOVE curling up on my left side, feeling his body wrapped around behind me.
(yes I actually do sleep opposite with them and on the opposite side of the bed too, always been like that, don't know exactly why, it just fits.)

But need.... I don't NEED that. It simply makes me a little happier and more content when I have it.
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  #25  
Old 04-14-2010, 08:50 PM
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I think *needing* something is what brings us together as humans. We all have the same needs. Its what bridges our differences throughout the world. What I think the point about needing a hug was that there is a need there to have physical contact from those we trust. And to give hugs in return to those we love. That isn't dependance, its what makes us vulnerable and human. All positive and all good.

Back on topic... I don't hear any talk of this phantom other womans feelings and thoughts. What of her? Any new person adds a new dynamic. She's not some new toy that can be shelved after a good fuck and cuddle. Sorry, this just kinda bugs. Its all very well to be lonely and want others in ones life, but there needs to be respect, in my opinion, for everyone involved. I just don't see that in boyfriends intent. I get that he is lonely, but I am hearing that you are also not getting what poly is about and being selfish.
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  #26  
Old 04-14-2010, 09:40 PM
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I do need someone to talk with.
I do need someone to connect with (more than one or two actually).
I do need cuddle time.
I do need affection.
I do need mad passionate sex.

I LONG for at least some of those things to be with Maca. I LONG for at least some of those things to be with GG.

I do get that we all need that RP.
AND
for our relationships to work the relationships need to include some of these things.

BUT-as much as you "need" your two nights a week with Mono-if he died (God forbid) you would go on yes? So that need isn't so much that you NEED MONO for your life-you NEED that attention AND you prefer it from him.

I am a big believer that it's IMPERATIVE that we word things in such a way that we are not releasing our own ability to control, fulfil, fix those issues.

When we use words lightly-we tend to "trick our brains".

I don't NEED electricity in my home.
I WANT electricity in my home.
But it wouldn't kill me if it weren't there.

I'm NOT in anyway suggesting that the poster is incorrect in that in order for that relationship to be meaningful that affection is needed. THAT I think is VERY valid.
I'm only saying that IF that person were gone-you would find another way to fulfil the need for that affection (if you are healthy).

I think it's just that in general we misuse words in an attempt to simplify our communication. But in truth when we do this we complicate our communication-especially with ourselves.

Maca was saying last night, "I am bummed that I fucked up one time and BECAUSE everyone remembers your mistakes more than your accomplishments I have to rebuild ALL the effort I made to get here."

The truth would be as follows, "I am bummed that I fucked up one time, that means I need to rebuild everything I had made to get here." The fact that people remember your errors really has NOTHING to do with why he has to rebuild. It's a superflous fact.

Anyway-no disrespect intended when I commented on my thoughts on need.
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  #27  
Old 04-14-2010, 10:39 PM
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LR- the *base* need isn't Mono, its someone to trust and love who trusts and loves me in return. I need several people to call family and love and trust. Hmm... That might be a conflict in my theory of all of us having the same needs ... All that can include intimacy on top of it all.

The *base* need is to have light after dark and warmth, not electricity. There is a difference there too.

Back to the boyfriend. What are his *base* needs? If they are to include another love in his life to trust and love then I would wonder if he is poly. If it is to fill a gap because he is lonely and wants some female entertainment then no wonder ilovetwomen is concerned. That could be damaging in so many ways. Then again, maybe not. ? I dunno... :P
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  #28  
Old 04-15-2010, 12:38 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Back on topic... I don't hear any talk of this phantom other womans feelings and thoughts. What of her? Any new person adds a new dynamic. She's not some new toy that can be shelved after a good fuck and cuddle. Sorry, this just kinda bugs.
In my first post I put this. Being that this is all a fear of his and there actually is no girl yet it's only a brief mention of her just to note that I had pointed out concern for who ever she may be. Let me clarify that idk how I would have relationship with her BECAUSE I would see this as unfair to her and I couldn't be close with her and not tell her his reasons behind having a relationship with her.

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Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
I voiced it's not fair to the girl. He said he wouldn't treat her as a replacement, but that doesn't change that I see her as that and idk how to have a relationship with her because of it.
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Back to the boyfriend. What are his *base* needs? If they are to include another love in his life to trust and love then I would wonder if he is poly. If it is to fill a gap because he is lonely and wants some female entertainment then no wonder ilovetwomen is concerned. That could be damaging in so many ways. Then again, maybe not. ? I dunno... :P
Let me see if I can explain it a little better.

He has made it loud and clear over the past seven months that he does NOT want to have another relationship. He DOESN'T see himself falling in love with anyone else while he is with me. He knows he's CAPABLE, but he DOESN'T want that.

This is our first long distance relationship and well.... it really blows being so far away. We see each other once a month... maybe. One night. We love each other like primaries. We are much more than boyfriend and girlfriend, but life partners seems... cold to us so we don't use it. He has had major moments of struggling with missing me. We've worked through them, but its rough on him. He just wants more time with me.

So he came down and we went job hunting. He has had two that have seemed very promising. One didn't pay enough. The other says he doesn't qualify for a second interview, but they are still considering him. We've already worked out what our base needs of time spent together will be once he is able to get his hiney down here. What our bare minimum is. If more time can be had, great! The problem is he is very fearful that once he gets here and we start out with that bare minimum and see where it leads that it won't be enough for him. He will get greedy and in order to fight off that greed he would find someone else to have a relationship with so he could keep his mind off of me and fill the void and basically... stay sane just so that he could get what he can of me.

But he tells me loud and clear, this is just a fear and he is in this to see it through. That he hopes our time together will be enough of me for him. That he truly doesn't want to go poly' but he would if it meant him getting to have me still.

It seems destructive. He's going to do something he doesn't want to do because it's the lesser of two evils for him?

We came to the conclusion last night, that this is not a good reason to be poly. If he wants ( it will take alot for me to believe he truly wants it with how much he has said "I don't want to") to be poly great, but it needs to be for healthy reasons. To me, after getting my hormones in check yesterday (aunt flo makes me dramatic sorry yall), it seems like a rational fear (he won't be fulfilled in the relationship he wants to create with me), but he came to an irrational solution (fill in girl)

It was a rough convo to get through, talks of if things were unfulfilled when we have reached the max that our relationship will be then we need to be just friends. Neither of us want to go there, but its a fear and you just have to play out those fears sometimes.


If anyone wants me to clarify more please feel free to ask me too. After ALOT of convos about this my brain is mush and it feels like I'm repeating myself.

The whole thing is, when he's needed me, my time from my fiance has been shifted onto him instead and vice versa. They have both been sensitive to the other's needs. I see this same thing happening once he is moved down here. If there are moments when he needs extra time I will be there and eventually I do want to cohabitate. This fear is a "What if none of it is enough." Idk.... The way I see it is if I love him as much as I say I do and I love myself as much as I say I do, I wouldn't allow him to do something he doesn't want to do as a last ditch effort to save our relationship and I wouldn't allow myself to go along for the ride either. I don't see this as being selfish, because I really don't want to lose what I have with him, but if I must I must.

Last edited by Ilove2men; 04-15-2010 at 12:46 AM.
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  #29  
Old 04-15-2010, 03:05 AM
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My perspective is to "just do it" and stop trying to anticipate every possible thing that could happen. I know I have been guilty of spending more time analyzing my relationship(s) than I do atually being in them. Get him down here and start an actual relationship is what I suggest.
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  #30  
Old 04-15-2010, 03:23 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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My perspective is to "just do it" and stop trying to anticipate every possible thing that could happen. I know I have been guilty of spending more time analyzing my relationship(s) than I do atually being in them. Get him down here and start an actual relationship is what I suggest.
That my dear is exactly what we plan on doing x) It was brought up by him yesterday (the fear)and we were going through the motions of talking it through and we let it swallow us up I think. PS. Where were you yesterday when we needed you! Hehe In all seriousness though I think our biggest problem is having too much time to think and don't have the means to do. So hopefully he gets a job soon.
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