Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 04-22-2014, 06:48 AM
Keepinghidden Keepinghidden is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 10
Default

I've tried hitting report a couple of times now to get a mods attention. My girlfriend and I have previously always been open about stuff but I mentioned in passing in this thread something which she has since revealed she would rather keep private.

On this grounds my post crosses a boundary I hadn't known existed and I would like a mods assistance in removing the thread. Thanks in advance
  #22  
Old 04-22-2014, 06:56 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Nobody knows your girlfriend here. I strongly suspect she is trying to prevent you from understanding what the issues are so you don't expect her to do anything to overcome them.

We have no idea who you are or where you are. This is simply another ploy for her to continue manipulating you. Wise up.
  #23  
Old 04-22-2014, 07:18 AM
Keepinghidden Keepinghidden is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 10
Thumbs down

You wise up London, you say yourself you don't know her but you more than ANYONE have made snap judgements about her character. This is not a ploy by her, she doesn't even know of this thread and the bit which crosses a boundary is in the detail - however it's a detail I shouldn't have included.

Isn't hindsight wonderful?

I am also aware that nobody here knows me personally or her, even under my old username. But I've inadvertently included enough for some people to make an educated guess.

Now as for this threads usefulness I would say it has been hugely useful!! The person who mentioned about jealousy and fear being linked really helped. That proved a good discussion point the other day and I learnt more about what her fears are and how I can support her in them. She also realised that those scary thoughts she has in her head can sometimes come across as being projected in the form of jealousy.

We both made a huge amount of progress, which is what I was hoping for. Thank you to all of those who have been constructive. The rest of you could learn a thing or two from them
  #24  
Old 04-22-2014, 07:32 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Yes, I'm absolutely desperate to learn how to enable a manipulator. It's what I want out of my relationships. I want to be with someone who ruins my chances of additional happiness with others despite knowing I'm poly, uses our D/s dynamic to manipulate me and also dismisses and belittles our relationship when they don't get their own way. Do I have to actually state that I'm being sarcastic here?

On rereading the Op, I see that you expect to control what she does sexually with Othery people based on some sort of sex negative beliefs you have so actually you two sound perfect for each other.
  #25  
Old 04-22-2014, 01:34 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I'm not sure I agree with the idea of using D/s to cope with anxiety issues. That would require the DD to have a tremendous understanding of the full spectrum of both anxiety and the kink, and it seems to me that if the OP had that good an understanding of his gf's psychology, he wouldn't be here asking how to "make her" feel differently.

Combining D/s with CBT is a very dangerous road to go down, and not something to be even considered let alone attempted by anyone who lacks adequate education, mentorship, and experience.
First of all, they're already doing it. I'm saying be more purposeful about it. (I'm also trying to get him to fend off any topping from the bottom that may be occurring like london is being vocal about.)

Second, I told him not to tread where only an expert should and I reminded him of his duty to educate himself before acting.

Third, D/s can absolutely be a tool for dealing with deep-seeded personal issues. Yes, it can be done for mere physical reasons, but psychology can be just as integral.

Ultimately Im saying if it's appropriate, step up your control to reinforce healthy behaviors.
__________________
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
  #26  
Old 04-22-2014, 02:43 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,217
Default

Quote:
The person who mentioned about jealousy and fear being linked really helped. That proved a good discussion point the other day and I learnt more about what her fears are and how I can support her in them. She also realised that those scary thoughts she has in her head can sometimes come across as being projected in the form of jealousy.
Glad that you are talking and she is more able to articulate details. Hopefully you guys can keep sorting it out.

Galagirl
  #27  
Old 04-22-2014, 05:10 PM
Keepinghidden Keepinghidden is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 10
Default

I'm glad you could help too. In a site overly infested with trolls it's nice to know there are still some nice people.

London, thank you for reminding me why I no longer post here. Many people have different definitions of what polyamory means for them and where their boundaries lie etc... In other words not everyone is working off the same ideals as you and not everyone wants to be policed by your troll brigade. In my girlfriends case her jealousy (fear) often stems from something which is beyond her control and often irrational.

That presents me with 2 options; I can either take a hard line, tell her she's in the wrong and use trolls like you to back up my side... Or I can help support her and build her as a person. Since I know it's not her fault I don't wish to blame her, since I think you're a bitch I would rather distance myself from you as much as possible and since I love her I have this in built nature to want to take that time to understand her and help her be all she can.

Now I would LIKE for this thread to be removed in it's entirety by a mod. However since that clearly isn't happening I feel at perfect liberty to explain a few things to you (London) - I feel you have the social skills and empathy levels of a brick, but at least the brick is a little less blunt. I would also like to say that I have seen your picture before and think you look a lot like a troll as well as acting like one. Good day

Last edited by Keepinghidden; 04-22-2014 at 05:24 PM.
  #28  
Old 04-22-2014, 05:40 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keepinghidden View Post
I think you're a bitch I would rather distance myself from you as much as possible and since I love her I have this in built nature to want to take that time to understand her and help her be all she can.

Now I would LIKE for this thread to be removed in it's entirety by a mod. However since that clearly isn't happening I feel at perfect liberty to explain a few things to you (London) - I feel you have the social skills and empathy levels of a brick, but at least the brick is a little less blunt. I would also like to say that I have seen your picture before and think you look a lot like a troll as well as acting like one. Good day
There's nothing to gain by firing back like that. Use the ignore function, it has made my forum experience much more pleasant
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
  #29  
Old 04-22-2014, 06:21 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keepinghidden View Post
I'm glad you could help too. In a site overly infested with trolls it's nice to know there are still some nice people.

London, thank you for reminding me why I no longer post here. Many people have different definitions of what polyamory means for them and where their boundaries lie etc... In other words not everyone is working off the same ideals as you and not everyone wants to be policed by your troll brigade. In my girlfriends case her jealousy (fear) often stems from something which is beyond her control and often irrational.

That presents me with 2 options; I can either take a hard line, tell her she's in the wrong and use trolls like you to back up my side... Or I can help support her and build her as a person. Since I know it's not her fault I don't wish to blame her, since I think you're a bitch I would rather distance myself from you as much as possible and since I love her I have this in built nature to want to take that time to understand her and help her be all she can.

Now I would LIKE for this thread to be removed in it's entirety by a mod. However since that clearly isn't happening I feel at perfect liberty to explain a few things to you (London) - I feel you have the social skills and empathy levels of a brick, but at least the brick is a little less blunt. I would also like to say that I have seen your picture before and think you look a lot like a troll as well as acting like one. Good day
Or you can tell her she's wrong and build her up as a person. Have you considered that?

Look, my autism gives me a ton of issues that I have to battle everyday to not let infringe on the rights of my loved ones. These issues make me prone to some really fucking appalling behaviour that mess up my relationships with everyone. The reasons I behave this way are for similar reasons to people with mental health conditions and personality disorders. In fact, that's how I was treated as a child minus the medication. Autism didn't come up until relatively recently.

Anyway, I learnt to stop this cycle by first halting the behaviour. I didn't understand why. That made it easy for my loved ones to support me in understanding why these behaviours were unreasonable and to develop tools that would mean I didn't need to behave in that way. I still fuck up. But I know when I've fucked up and more importantly, I know how to stop behaving that way even when the circumstances are triggering that response in me.

Do then feel. Let your feelings catch up to your actions. It's the only thing that continues to work for me out of all the schools of therapy I've ever had.

And Marcus is right. That sort of emotional outburst produces this feeling somewhere between hysterical amusement and extreme pity. Not unpleasant, more intriguing.
  #30  
Old 04-22-2014, 09:09 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 518
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keepinghidden View Post
I've tried hitting report a couple of times now to get a mods attention. My girlfriend and I have previously always been open about stuff but I mentioned in passing in this thread something which she has since revealed she would rather keep private.

On this grounds my post crosses a boundary I hadn't known existed and I would like a mods assistance in removing the thread. Thanks in advance
Well, this came out of nowhere. And thank you for not deleting this post; it's good for others to see examples of poly relationships, functional or otherwise.

I'm curious why the OP is defending his girlfriend who is acting jealous and insecure, but he was the one who asked us all for help. If he doesn't want it anymore, let him be.

I'm not interested in helping someone feel sorry for themselves.
Closed Thread

Tags
feelings, jealousy, metamours, relationship model, rules

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:56 PM.