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  #31  
Old 04-19-2014, 12:03 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Just my opinion (and OP, you may have already resolved this; I see it's an older thread), if a counselor is being that vehement about their personal views with a client, that's a problem. Regardless of a counselor's *personal* opinion of a subject, they should be an objective listener and not make judgments during sessions. That's counterproductive (and, again just my opinion, unethical). People are going to judge, but a counselor should keep those judgments to themself when working with a client.

That said, it may be a case of your counselor just not knowing enough about polyamory. Maybe some education would change her mind. And it sounds like you're going through a time when you need a professional you can trust, so if you trust her despite her opposition to polyamory and her apparent need to state it, then definitely stick with her.

It really stinks that you had such a horrible experience with your ex. You have no clue who I am, but I hope you don't mind me sending you positive thoughts for healing as you go through your divorce and build your new life. (I've been there...)

I was fortunate with my counselor. Last year when Hubby and I opened our marriage, rather than giving me all the reasons it wouldn't work and how opening a marriage can destroy it, etc.--all things I heard from the "swinger" site Hubby and I met through--my counselor actually praised me for finding a solution to the sexual incompatibility Hubby and I were dealing with. And when I told my counselor about my relationship with Guy several months later, she said she was glad I had two men in my life to love and support me.
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  #32  
Old 04-19-2014, 08:08 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
if a counselor is being that vehement about their personal views with a client, that's a problem. Regardless of a counselor's *personal* opinion of a subject, they should be an objective listener and not make judgments during sessions.
I don't disagree, however it can be difficult to distinguish between a personal view and a professional opinion. If someone has been in business for a long time and never ever seen a certain configuration work, it's not irrational to conclude that the configuration is fundamentally flawed. Problem is, you still have to be open minded to the possibility that you just haven't seen it yet, not that it's impossible.
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  #33  
Old 04-20-2014, 08:45 AM
london london is offline
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Imagine a homosexual person who has a string of overlapping, volatile and unhealthy relationships going to visit a therapist. The therapist condemns every relationship they are in, have been in or are considering being in because they are abusive and unhealthy. It would be very easy for that homosexual personto walk away thinking this therapist is homophobic when in fact it's just that homosexual person isn't in a place where they recognise how bad their relationships are.
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  #34  
Old 04-21-2014, 12:58 AM
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Originally Posted by KC43 View Post

It really stinks that you had such a horrible experience with your ex. You have no clue who I am, but I hope you don't mind me sending you positive thoughts for healing as you go through your divorce and build your new life. (I've been there...)

.
I don't think it's been resolved, more just put on the back burner. I want to stick with her because I have five years of trust built up. This last session I had, I talked about two people I am seeing and she said it sounds like they are normal men and it would be good for me to see what normal and positive relationships can be like. There was no "why don't you pick one" or anything like that. So...perhaps there is hope. In the meantime, during my divorce especially, I feel the rapport I've built up with her is important.

Thank you for your kind words. It's never easy, but it gets a little better each day.
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  #35  
Old 04-21-2014, 01:00 AM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Imagine a homosexual person who has a string of overlapping, volatile and unhealthy relationships going to visit a therapist. The therapist condemns every relationship they are in, have been in or are considering being in because they are abusive and unhealthy. It would be very easy for that homosexual personto walk away thinking this therapist is homophobic when in fact it's just that homosexual person isn't in a place where they recognise how bad their relationships are.
I agree with this. As sessions have gone on, I have seen that she was truly concerned while trying to counsel my husband and I, that she didn't think we would work but wanted to try to help us from the therapy points that she could and leave her personal opinion out of it.

While some of my relationships have obviously not been healthy, she did also straight out say she has never seen poly work. But...maybe I can educate her a bit as well.
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  #36  
Old 04-22-2014, 11:28 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I don't disagree, however it can be difficult to distinguish between a personal view and a professional opinion. If someone has been in business for a long time and never ever seen a certain configuration work, it's not irrational to conclude that the configuration is fundamentally flawed. Problem is, you still have to be open minded to the possibility that you just haven't seen it yet, not that it's impossible.
I agree with this. My point wasn't so much that the counselor should *feel* objective as that if they aren't able to be objective in their mind, they should at least keep their negative, non-objective reaction to themselves in the interests of being supportive of their client. If they feel the client is doing something detrimental, they could phrase it in terms of the client rather than judging the concept as a whole; saying "Are you sure that type of relationship is the best choice for you?" gets the point across without sounding as harsh and judgy as "Polyamory never works, you're going to have a horrible time, what are you thinking?"

ETA: London, that's also a very good point, but if Jade's counselor actually said "Polyamory never works", it's a bit different situation to the counselor saying "I don't think polyamory would work for you."
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Last edited by KC43; 04-22-2014 at 11:31 AM.
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  #37  
Old 04-22-2014, 12:13 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
I agree with this. My point wasn't so much that the counselor should *feel* objective as that if they aren't able to be objective in their mind, they should at least keep their negative, non-objective reaction to themselves in the interests of being supportive of their client. If they feel the client is doing something detrimental, they could phrase it in terms of the client rather than judging the concept as a whole; saying "Are you sure that type of relationship is the best choice for you?" gets the point across without sounding as harsh and judgy as "Polyamory never works, you're going to have a horrible time, what are you thinking?"

ETA: London, that's also a very good point, but if Jade's counselor actually said "Polyamory never works", it's a bit different situation to the counselor saying "I don't think polyamory would work for you."
When you're in that bad place I referred to in the example, "I don't think polyamory would work for you" sounds exactly like "polyamory never works".

Some people in this forum aren't even in a bad place, relatively speaking, yet "the way you're doing this probably won't work" still sounds like "what you're trying to achieve never works".
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  #38  
Old 04-23-2014, 02:15 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I understand what you're saying, and it makes complete sense. Perception and intent don't always match up.
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