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  #81  
Old 04-16-2014, 06:38 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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That is incorrect. She is not "putting the husband" anywhere, nor "making him" choose anything.

She is merely informing him of the choice she made for herself.

He can do whatever the hell he wants, and make changes or not. No one is telling him he needs to choose between his wife and his gf. No one is asking him to do something different, nor making any demands on him whatsoever. She has not taken away his agency by making a choice in what she will have in her life or not. This is not the same as pretending to walk away from someone yet looking backward hoping to see them following (manipulation); this is simply walking away, which is much more respectful of everyone's autonomy. They are all autonomous beings. If he feels he needs to make a choice in response to what he observes in polybynature's actions, that is totally on him, and it will be his own motivation that prompts any kind of decision like that.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-16-2014 at 06:42 PM.
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  #82  
Old 04-16-2014, 06:48 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
That is incorrect. She is not "putting the husband" anywhere, nor "making him" choose anything.

She is merely informing him of the choice she made for herself.

He can do whatever the hell he wants, and make changes or not. No one is telling him he needs to choose between his wife and his gf. No one is asking him to do something different, nor making any demands on him whatsoever. She has not taken away his agency by making a choice in what she will have in her life or not. This is not the same as pretending to walk away from someone yet looking backward hoping to see them following (manipulation); this is simply walking away, which is much more respectful of everyone's autonomy. They are all autonomous beings. If he feels he needs to make a choice in response to what he observes in polybynature's actions, that is totally on him, and it will be his own motivation that prompts any kind of decision like that.
NYC, I really like youre last few pieces of insight. I hope what happens today still rings true to what you said above and before that post. We talked and I told him I cant find anymore, I also can't stay in a relationship where I feel im on back burner while he chases an unloving spouse. I told him if they really truly are separated (As they state, but he does not act) then Im glad to date him...but if he wants to persue her, i'm walking. Is that an ultimatum? Maybe. But I DO want to give him the choice of my not breaking up with him. Hes a grown man, and if he wants to continue on the current path he can, he'll just be doing it without me.

And I like what you say about not walking away and looking back for him to follow...because in another time, that would've been me. I'd have walked and hoped he'd chased me. Im not doing that this time, if he wants to keep everything as is that's totally up to him, and then I have every right to leave and feel good about it.

Last edited by polybynature; 04-16-2014 at 06:52 PM. Reason: added more
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  #83  
Old 04-16-2014, 06:50 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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Originally Posted by Smiles View Post
So Poly... You're making him choose?

Something is keeping him attached to his wife...Maybe he feels he would be lost without her...Maybe he doesn't want a messy Divorce. Maybe he likes the idea of being married, especially bathing their circle of friends...

I know for me and for my business, I feel I am doing better because I am a married man..I also enjoy our circle of friends. I don't want our mutual friends to pick sides.That may not be the case with your bf...

I get a feeling that he may R with his wife and she may not want an open marriage anymore. His wife may make that decision for you...

Somehow, his unloving wife is dangling a carrot in front of him....just until he leaves you and soon she will be back to her old self...

Just my gut feeling...

You are giving me something to think about for myself when a poly type relationship comes my way...I don't know if I would be able to chose. He seems to want to be somebody's primary...As of now, he may not feel he is anybody's primary...
Making him choose seems harsh...I am giving him the option of us staying together or moving on. And the other things you mention are doubtful, she has multiple lovers and other interests aside from him. I don't think she wants him at all, but to keep him as a houseboy
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  #84  
Old 04-17-2014, 02:51 AM
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Seems I got this wrong here...

I think k your bf can't make that leap away from his wife.... Something keeps him there.....As it seems you are losing respect for him anyway...he's a pussy to you... So his life, his wife doesn't and shouldn't matter anymore to you....

I think you are ready to let him suffer in his own misery.



Houseboy? That's why my wife wants me around.....
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  #85  
Old 04-17-2014, 12:57 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smiles View Post
Seems I got this wrong here...

I think k your bf can't make that leap away from his wife.... Something keeps him there.....As it seems you are losing respect for him anyway...he's a pussy to you... So his life, his wife doesn't and shouldn't matter anymore to you....

I think you are ready to let him suffer in his own misery.



Houseboy? That's why my wife wants me around.....
I guess this seems harsh but true....but I'm not ready to walk away either. I contemplating fading into a friendship....my sexual attraction is gone for the moment and that makes me sad.

I suppose, if one wants to stay on as a houseboy to reap the benefits of long term friendship (and for you, you have a child so that's much different) that is ones decision. Its just likely that people that get very close may not want to watch it. (that's more a comment on hi mthan you Smiles)
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  #86  
Old 04-17-2014, 01:04 PM
london london is offline
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As I've said all along, your obvious hatred and jealousy towards his wife when you cannot give him what she gives him was always going to be an issue. Maybe it's best to part so he can be in the marriage he wants to be in without you berating and belittling him, her and their entire relationship.

You guys probably have/had something good but I know I couldn't stand for the way you've behaved in regards to this and just the general sense of entitlement you think you have over the nature of other people's relationships. It's just way too intense.
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  #87  
Old 04-17-2014, 01:27 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
As I've said all along, your obvious hatred and jealousy towards his wife when you cannot give him what she gives him was always going to be an issue. Maybe it's best to part so he can be in the marriage he wants to be in without you berating and belittling him, her and their entire relationship.

You guys probably have/had something good but I know I couldn't stand for the way you've behaved in regards to this and just the general sense of entitlement you think you have over the nature of other people's relationships. It's just way too intense.
I do not berate or belittle him. I may have lashed out in anger a few times, but that is entirely human. I realize you don't see us as "primaries" so I do not think we are going to have any of the same view points here.
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  #88  
Old 04-17-2014, 01:34 PM
london london is offline
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No, I don't see you as primaries and that had nothing to do with anything anyway. I don't see you as primaries because you don't share practical entanglements. That doesn't mean you don't love, respect and care for each other as much as a couple who do share those things. It just means you don't have that typical primary style relationship that lots of people want, nor can you offer that to him. Even if he was your live in husband and this was a girlfriend, so you'd be primaries in my book as well as yours, I'd still say the way you're going about this is all kinds of wrong.

This word primary seems to mean to you that you have the right to be this intrusive into your partner's relationships. I'm telling you that it doesn't mean that and the way this is going, the person who is going to be left out in the cold is you.
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  #89  
Old 04-17-2014, 01:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polybynature View Post
Making him choose seems harsh...I am giving him the option of us swouldn't want together or moving on. And the other things you mention are doubtful,. she has multiple lovers and other interests aside from him. I don't think she wants him at all, but to keep him as a houseboy
I think this is wise. Sounds like she is causing you strife. I would have issues staying with someone who didn't respect themselves and I would eventually lose respect for them.
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  #90  
Old 04-17-2014, 01:37 PM
london london is offline
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Some time ago, I think it was Galagirl who proposed ways of stopping a hinge leaking the negativity from one relationship into another. That's what I think your focus should be. Not trying to end his marriage.

Last edited by london; 04-17-2014 at 01:43 PM.
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