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Old 04-14-2010, 08:42 AM
mittin mittin is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6
Default Lots of confusion

Hello everybody.

First let me say what a wonderful surprise it was to see such a supportive forum as the 2nd (!) result on Google for "polyamory". I came here after typing it into Google in desperation looking for some place to get advice.

I'll try to be brief but I do have a tendency to ramble a bit.

My partner and I have been dating seriously for five years. We moved in together during college about a year ago. We are very very open and communicative, and you can bet anything I post here we've already talked about. She is studying sexuality in college (I've just finished an Engineering degree).

Anyway, we are exploring polyamory after a long while of humming and hawing about it. My partner has long known that she was bisexual (and most likely leaning more towards the female persuasion). I'm male, and she has said many times that though she is feels sexual desire toward me, and that she loves me, she would likely be with a woman if she were not involved with me.

So recently she has started seeing another woman (a friend from school). Now I suppose I'm faced with the reality of being in a poly relationship, and a lot of feelings I didn't know were lurking inside me have started to surface.

I'm concerned that she is seeking a partner outside of our relationship to be sexual with as a surrogate for sexuality in our relationship. What I mean is that she isn't really into men all that much, and we have sex infrequently. She still loves me and is emotionally committed to me, but I don't know how I could be in a sexless relationship. Sexuality is hugely important to me as an expression of caring and emotion.

Additionally I have always suffered from a crippling lack of self-confidence. My partner has told me that I am attractive, but I am unable to see myself as being sexy at all. She says I'm funny and charismatic but I just feel awkward and socially inept. I have not had very many close relationships with women in my life due to this fear and self-loathing. I have recently seen a counselor and I am aware that I am suffering from depression.

Consequently there is a huge confidence problem I'm trying to get over since she is seeing another person. I am scared that I won't be able to find anybody to love me or be sexual with, while she is out having fun and having sex! I suppose this is a kind of jealousy, but I don't know how I can get over this. I think I just need to get myself out there and meet people and what have you.

There is just so much going on it's overwhelming. I am faced with all sorts of obstacles and I can't see a clear path through them all. Lately I have had a resurgence in suicidal fantasies (I say fantasies because I have no actual desire or plan to go through with them, I just imagine how blissful it would be to not have to deal with all of this). I am in no danger of hurting myself but I am not able to stop these thoughts and they feel awful.

I don't want to tell my partner to stop seeing her new lover, partially because then I'd just be plunging my head in the sand and ignoring these underlying problems. Also I am scared of her resenting me for preventing her sexual exploration. I am very concerned that perhaps I am monogamous and heart and that I'm trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, so to speak (or whatever the saying is). I don't want to leave her because I really do love her deeply. I just don't know what to do!

I see now that this has turned into a ramble, so I'm sorry. I suppose I just need to know that I'm not alone in this, and that I'll make it through.
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