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  #131  
Old 04-15-2014, 05:40 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I vote for blocking her, too. And I don't think anyone else will know she's blocked - they don't put a banner up when someone does that. I do like Opalescent's suggestion to let her and Chops know why. . But, yeah, blocking out that shit is worth answering a few possibly difficult questions if it gives you peace of mind in the long run.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-15-2014 at 05:42 AM.
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  #132  
Old 04-15-2014, 06:00 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Can you hide her? I have a number of friends on facebook who I don't want to unfriend and block for various reasons but who's posts I don't want to see - generally because they post pages and pages of photos of their families every day.

I hide them rather than unfriending them. Saves them getting offended and means I don't have to read all the rubbish they write.
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  #133  
Old 04-15-2014, 10:37 AM
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Hiding her wouldn't hide the TMI comments on other friends' posts, unfortunately. Blocking removes all evidence of her, which I always felt was tossing the baby out with the bathwater, but at this point, I'm not all that thrilled to see any of her posts to begin with... I'm that cranky about it all.

I thought about backing off Facebook myself, but I love seeing posts from my family. Still, backing off a bit in general wouldn't be a bad idea.

There's a piece of me that thinks I'm sticking my head in the sand by blocking her, although I've done this a bit before (she was excluding me from her more romantic/gooshy posts to Chops at my request), and it works. I tried going the "exposure" route to just deal with it and desensitize myself to it, and it just doesn't help, unfortunately. Some stuff is fine, and then other things like this - nope.

The stress from this is completely out of proportion at this point to the actual thing that triggers it, so I agree - blocking is probably the best way to just stop the cycle. Personally, I think it'll actually improve our relationship if I can just quit seeing the stuff that bugs me. We'll still have email and the like.

Still... I feel like I'm missing a better way of doing this - like if I could only deal with my problem with it all, then I'd be fine. I know that none of this is about me, I know that none of what she does reflects on me, but I still feel this combination of "living in her shadow" (when she's constantly commenting on everything his friends and family do or say) and aggravation with the occasional TMI.

The whole "living in her shadow" thing is just comparing how she acts on FB to how I act - I don't friend his friends unless he asks me, or I've met them. I don't gush all over everything. It's not me. When she does, it triggers the feelings of inadequacy, that I'm invisible while she's his press committee online. If I comment afterward, I end up questioning myself whether I'm doing it because I want to, or because she commented first and I also want representation. It's stupid, especially because it's Facebook, for Christ's sake. It's not real. Not really. I know that's my shit to deal with, but I've attempted to deal with it for a couple years now, with little success. Ugh.

The TMI just bugs, period.

I think I'm going to schedule the talk, and then ask another friend (who's also friends with Xena on FB) for her advice.

I have always valued finding a successful, workable solution to a problem. This feels like giving up somehow.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #134  
Old 04-16-2014, 02:21 PM
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Default Part one went well...

Had a good and emotional talk with Chops last night. I'm always hesitant to bring anything up that seems "Anti-Xena" but that's based on one time I got his hackles up early on in our relationship. Last night, I felt listened to, loved, and reassured, and I appreciate that greatly.

He has a hard time identifying with my feeling of being "in her shadow" but he understands that I feel that way. That if there's something he can do to help, he will, but he understands that it's my decision to figure out what I need to do about it, and we'll get through it.

So, I'm working on scheduling a get-together among the three of us so we can talk.

I brought up the "TMI Comment" on his son's status, too, as the tipping point. He thought I could hide someone from my news feed AND hide their visible comments on FB (to avoid getting hit by something like this again), so I started to give it a try today - I am able to hide individual comments on other peoples' posts, but that's kind of a tedious and not-very-helpful way of doing it (I have to see the comments first, then hide them), and "unfollowing" them only removes their posts from my feed. Not really what I'm looking for.

While I was poking around with FB settings, I noticed his son's status (with the TMI comments) was gone. Not sure what happened there, but poof. Gone. Odd. Hopefully, when we talk about it at the powwow, I won't look like the idiot at the mechanic's, going, "But it made that noise earlier, I swear!"

On the self-introspection side, we talked about why I feel that hiding her comments and posts will make things easier for me, when the reality doesn't change. We did something similar to this a while back, when she started excluding me from her more romantic/gooshy posts for Chops. Partly, it's because I can process the reality of it better when it isn't constantly in my face. Digging deeper into that, though, it's easier because if it's not constantly in my face, triggering the emotions and inadequacies, my HEAD ends up processing it and not my heart. Logically, I know that she posts romantic things to Chops, and I know that's a good thing. I want him to have that in his relationship with her. Emotionally, I hate having it in my face and having to confront it right there in front of me every single time it happens. Same with her relationship with his family (brings out the envy) or the "TMI" posts (I am *so* not a voyeur WRT their relationship).

I'm good with the abstract - knowing that yes, this stuff happens. But I don't really want to see it. Sort of like my favorite gross analogy: I know you poop, but even if you're happy pooping with the door open, it doesn't mean I want to see it.

When I see it, and I'm confronted with it, the competition comes out. The "I want that too" comes out. Or the "I really didn't want to see that". And I end up spending too much time thinking about her, and what she has in her relationship with Chops, rather than just focusing on me and ours. I feel like I'm constantly in her shadow, and I just need to feel free of that.

So. I still don't have a better way of avoiding all that stuff, aside of blocking her. I'm curious as to why the status got removed, though. It'll make for an interesting talk.

On the plus side, my youngest daughter got to help Chops work on his tractor a bit last night, which was very cool. I love seeing her get the chance to do things like that (and get dirty before I drop her off at her dad's - LOL). It was a nice night with the girls, a good talk with Chops, and I felt much better knowing that I'm not going to go into this discussion and alienate my partner because I'm having an issue with his OSO.

Oh, and snow this morning! After nigh-80-degree temps three days ago. Gotta love New England.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 04-16-2014 at 03:02 PM. Reason: Moving from words here to there...
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  #135  
Old 04-16-2014, 02:37 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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I also vote for blocking her and telling them why. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with not wanting to know too much about someone's private life. And I personally would be kind of creeped out if a boyfriend of mine were having such a discussion with my 21 year old daughter and dropping hints about what he and I do. Kids typically don't want to know these things about their parents.

How does Choplet feel about her saying these things? Any idea?
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  #136  
Old 04-16-2014, 02:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I also vote for blocking her and telling them why. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with not wanting to know too much about someone's private life. And I personally would be kind of creeped out if a boyfriend of mine were having such a discussion with my 21 year old daughter and dropping hints about what he and I do. Kids typically don't want to know these things about their parents.

How does Choplet feel about her saying these things? Any idea?
I don't know, although his status seems to have disappeared. Not sure if he felt weird about it, she felt weird about it (and asked him to remove it), or what. I agree with you, though - if the genders were reversed, that would be HELLA creepy.

That's part of why I felt the trepidation I did when talking to Chops about it last night. I just feel it's extremely inappropriate to make sexual innuendo to your partner's child (21 or not), regardless of whether or not he threw down the gauntlet by making a comment like "that's dad's job - lol". I didn't want to come across as judgmental, and get Chops riled up as a result, but I AM being judgmental about it, and he was still a good, sympathetic listener, so yay that. I guess.

At any rate, with the status gone, Chops doesn't get to ascertain for himself whether or not he felt it was appropriate. It's still going to get talked about, though. I won't block her until I talk about it with her, but I've already "unfollowed" her. Onward and upward, I guess.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #137  
Old 04-16-2014, 05:29 PM
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Default Whoops...

Aha. Choplet's status is still there. It just got buried in Facebook's "highlights" mode. Hitting "Show All" brought it back. Gotta love FB's filtering. Not.

Now, if it would only stick with "Most Recent" instead of whatever the heck it thinks I *want* to see, we'd be good.

Edited:
And to answer your question, WhatHappened, I will admit that I misremembered the exact comments, but the gist was that a joke was made about disassembling the model (truck), Xena (who figure models) made a joke about not disassembling the model (her), and Choplet came back with, "That's dad's job". She said Chops does a good job of it, and Choplet replied back with "like father like son".

Not explicit, but yeeeccch... on both sides. On a public status, visible to Chops' 13-year-old daughter and other family members. Maybe I'm a judgmental prude and there's worse stuff on TV, but still... it just seems wrong to have that level of discourse with my partner's kid to begin with.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 04-16-2014 at 05:49 PM.
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  #138  
Old 04-21-2014, 02:46 PM
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Default In the "Better than you'd expect it to go" department...

I do this a lot: rant/vent about something here, get myself all worked up to talk about it, and then... have the talk go exceedingly smoothly and mutually beneficial (for the most part). You'd think it'd have happened enough for me to get out of the "all worked up" part of the cycle, but I suppose this is what happens when one tries to come up with how the conversation's going to go in their head before ever actually talking.

Yeesh.

So, in the few days leading up to the powwow, my stomach was occasionally in knots, and Xena was being exceptionally nice over FB, emails, etc., and I felt sooooooo guilty, it was awful. Kept tossing it over in my head that maybe I don't need to go as far as blocking her... maybe we can work this out... but I don't know how to do that without asking her to change, and yadda yadda yadda. I did "unfollow" her posts on FB, so I could sort of step back a bit and have at least her posts be a bit less in my face. Baby steps.

Yesterday, Chops and I (and the girls) had a nice, low-key Easter dinner: lamb chops (Oh, LORDIE, I love lamb... my youngest daughter, though, is so squeamish over it, I almost feel bad for her), a nice Zinfandel, and assorted veggies and stuff. Oh, and cupcakes. Nom. Nap-inducing food for sure, but no nap in sight...

Later in the day, I dropped them off at their aunt's house for another dinner, and after schmoozing a bit with the ex-inlaws, I left so we could get the powwow started. My anxiety over the powwow was replaced with anxiety over taking the motorcycle down to RI (did I mention I'd only ever ridden on a motorcycle twice, ever, and not for more than 10 min... AND never on the highway? Yeah... Hoo boy). Quite the inaugural ride. C-C-C-C-COLD too. Once we finally got there, I was frozen, my ass hurt, my legs hurt, and I had to thaw out in front of the portable heater for a good long time before we could even talk. Xena was an amazing hostess, offering multiple space heaters, beer, coffee, and pie. Holy crap. Felt even worse about what I was planning to talk about, but mmm... heat.

So then we talked. I decided I was going to go last, since I'd probably dominate everyone's time (and mood). When it was Xena's turn to talk, she mentioned that the thing that had bugged her recently was noticing that she was feeling more competitive on Facebook - feeling like she needed to be the first to comment, that it was a race, etc., and that she didn't like how that felt, and she wanted to step back from that.

So in one fell swoop, she pretty much took half my words away from me, and I sat there, dumbfounded, then laughing as I wondered if she read my mind (or these posts). Chops denied any discussion of the topic with her, BTW.

In that one action, pretty much most of my anxiety was lifted - she understood from her own POV that it felt competitive and territorial, and it made my discussion a lot easier.

So, when it was my turn, we talked about that... talked about the envy and the "in your face" nature of a lot of the comments/posts (which went along with the competition to be the first to comment on things), and I discussed the issue I had with her comment on Choplet's status (really the only thing left that still hit a huge nerve). Before I could really get too far, she rolled with it, said that she didn't really know what to do with that (since he kind of instigated it), and tried to keep it light, but wasn't really comfortable with it at all, which I didn't realize.

I brought up how tweaked I was by it, that I was considering blocking her entirely on FB due to all the comments, but especially that one. She thought that maybe we should tell Choplet we're both uncomfortable with that type of banter (and Chops offered to talk to him as well), so that seems to have dried up THAT particular well of discontent.

So once again... that pffffffft sound is me letting go of all that anxiety.

So, for now, no change on my part re. the FB thing. We'll see how things change on her end, and we'll revisit it at the next powwow. Blocking is still an option, and one she's aware of (and didn't seem particularly wounded by, thankfully). So a probationary period, of sorts. We'll bring it up to Choplet that we're not really cool with bantering that way, and we'll see how it goes.

Some self-work:
  • I am usually pretty good about trying to find the best in people's intentions. I'm finding that I do the opposite where Xena is concerned, and I need to work on this. I'm still seeing her as a rival, and that's impacting how I interpret her actions... it makes it easier to take our personality differences as an affront, rather than as something that "just is". It'd be worth working on that.
  • I need to not let the negativity build up when it starts... calling a powwow together when I need one, rather than slogging through it because "we already talked about the FB thing and we agreed to disagree" wasn't cutting it.

And I am abso-friggen-lutely exhausted today. Holy hell. I can haz nap now?
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #139  
Old 05-03-2014, 02:29 PM
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Default Resting after my vacation...

In a change from the usual types of events I post about here, this week was spent in Florida, taking the kids to Disney and Universal Studios. The last two days have been spent recovering from my vacation.

The vacation mostly went well... the first day, the oldest child left her phone in the rest room, forgot about it, told me about 20 min. later, and by the time we went back, it was (of course) gone. Couldn't call it (it had been turned off), so I assumed it was stolen. "Guest Services" didn't receive it (all week), so I figure my guess was right. She was upset ALL day, and I was hoping it wouldn't impact her entire trip.

Nothing like seeing your picture after getting off Space Mountain, and she's sitting in the back, making a face, with her arms crossed. At least she got a laugh out of that.

Anyway, Day Two saw us meeting up with her friend and her family, which helped things a LOT, and got the vacation back into "vacation" mode. After that, there was only one meltdown between the two of us (she's 13 - I consider one meltdown a success, overall), and things went well.

Observations:
  • I'm still not the biggest fan of Disney Parks. Magic Kingdom is dated, and while some of the rides are good, Magic Kingdom and EPCOT are horribly paced.
  • Animal Kingdom, however, is my favorite Disney Park, hands down. They figured things out with this one. It's also nice and shady, to boot!
  • Universal Studios ROCKS! Their parks are nicely paced and themed, and their rides are great.
  • The Small One, however, was a half-inch too short for the big coasters at Islands of Adventure. Dammit.
  • Getting rescued from a roller coaster was the high point (literally!) of the trip. LOL.

Yes, we got rescued from a roller coaster and had to walk down (we were stopped at a "braking" area, and there were stairs next to it, so it wasn't as scary as one would think... except, I really REALLY hate those stairs you can see through). I can now check that off my bucket list.

Two thunderstorms, a few lost items (none as major as the phone), and some late and delayed flights, but overall a good trip.

Spent some time with Chops the day after we got back, and since the girls are with their dad this weekend, we have some weekend time to ourselves today & early tomorrow - something that's a bit of a rarity. Got a dinner party tonight with a boss/coworker, and he's a mean pour, so Chops is bringing a pretzel necklace as a joke, and we're hoping to stay upright (Chops had a hard time walking last year, after said party).

Coming down off the vacation high, and things feel pretty good. I missed Chops while we were gone, but we were so damned busy, I didn't have time to feel much of anything other than WHEEEEEE! Chops missed me as well, and the reconnect time felt wonderful.

Now I get to eat ramen noodles for the next six months, in order to recover from this trip.

Time to grocery shop, and get myself outside... it's a beautiful day today.
Have a great day, all!
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #140  
Old 05-03-2014, 02:45 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Welcome back! It sucks that your daughter's phone was stolen, but I am glad the trip was fun!

I have to agree with your observations. Magic Kingdom was like a nightmare. It IS dated. I wish they would modernise. Heaven knows they have the revenue to do so. Thank you for saying that. I thought it was just me. I guess they want to preserve the nostalgia, but even with the expansion, it is still compact and sluggish. The highlight of EPCOT for me was the International Food and Wine diddly do. I ate and drank myself silly. Animal Kingdom was fun and my youngest daughter's favourite. Can we give Universal Studios a round of applause just for being awesome? Islands of Adventure will always be on my must visit list. I am looking forward to going back and taking our oldest for the first time. (The Disney Resort in Paris and the Universal Studios in Singapore are not on that level.)

Have fun grocery shopping, reconnecting with Chops, and enjoying that weather.
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