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  #11  
Old 04-13-2014, 04:50 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by rottendaughter View Post
"I'll let you two say good bye" then walking off. I had to yell "nice meeting you!" To her back as she walked away. I didn't get to say thanks either.
Yikes. That is a pretty sour encounter.

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone while some outside party could tell them to dump me... that sounds awful and belittling. It also wouldn't turn me on very much to date someone who allows their partner to tell them what to do like that lol.

Have you spoken frankly with him about this veto bullshit? You don't sound like you're thrilled to have it hanging over your head so I suggest you get out in front of it. Good luck!
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  #12  
Old 04-13-2014, 06:41 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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What Marcus said...

If it was me I would not get involved with this potential nightmare. How can you develop a relationship with the sword of damocles hanging over your head.
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  #13  
Old 04-13-2014, 07:12 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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yeah the fact that she was so cold and rude to you would send me some huge red flags.
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  #14  
Old 04-14-2014, 02:11 AM
Openbiman Openbiman is offline
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Sorry to hear it didn't go well; it does sound like there were some awkward dynamics in play, maybe for all of you.

So much of it depends on what everyone's expectations are about being poly in general, being involved with someone who is, and what the intent of the meeting was for. If you and she (and maybe he) both felt that she was there to "interview" you and decide if she wanted to exercise her veto, then, yeah: that's a tough current to swim against, even if she decided not to.

I hope you're not feeling too down about it and at least can find some time to process the encounter with him.

I do just want to add: not everyone's definition of (or need for) a "veto" is the same. While I understand why many wouldn't want to be involved at all with anyone whose partner had some kind of veto, I don't think the existence of that agreement between two partners should necessarily be viewed as a negative in and of itself. It all comes down to what everyone directly involved finds they can be comfortable with.
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  #15  
Old 04-14-2014, 03:34 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Could you ask if veto has been employed before and under what circumstances?
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  #16  
Old 04-14-2014, 04:23 AM
OliverOwl OliverOwl is offline
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Sorry to hear that it went poorly :c. I just wanted to throw in my two cents, seeing as I've been in a position similar to that of his wife. My partner was really pressuring me to meet the girl he was seeing, he was doing so under what he thought was the best intentions. This was my first experience with poly so I was still trying to process everything. I heard A LOT about how much the two of us would get along.

But the fact was that I agreed to meet her for HIM and I was not ready for it. I was polite but the fact was that regardless of how nice she was I had been pressured into meeting her. You're partner's wife may have been feeling the same thing.

Meeting your husbands "other", if you'll forgive the term is always hard the first time. I don't mean to excuse her for being rude to you, and I don't know at all if she was actually feeling this was but it's something to think about.
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  #17  
Old 04-14-2014, 01:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OliverOwl View Post
Meeting your husbands "other", if you'll forgive the term is always hard the first time. I don't mean to excuse her for being rude to you, and I don't know at all if she was actually feeling this was but it's something to think about.
I had considered discussing the possible reasons that she seemed rude.
Some people just take a while to warm up
Maybe it wasn't her idea to have this meeting and was just dragged there
Something might have just happened in her life to put her in a stand-off mood
Maybe she just doesn't like you
My most recent poly relationship with IV, when I met her boyfriend CV it was not a warm encounter. He was hanging out with a new girlfriend, they were just sitting down to a snack, and he was CLEARLY not interested in meeting me even though IV was excited for it. I figured it was mainly because he was just busy, plus IV had already warned me that he warms slowly... so I didn't worry about it much. I figured we'd either hit it off over time or we wouldn't hang out together.

BUT I didn't address the reasons her meeting with the wife might have been sour is because that all takes a back seat when this kind of lopsided power dynamic is present. CV was just my metamour and had no say in the pace or existence of my relationship with IV. While I'm sure some people build guidelines around how and when a VETO is used... it's either VETO power or it isn't. That kind of power struggle being present makes a sour meeting like the OP with her metamour something disturbing.
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  #18  
Old 04-14-2014, 06:05 PM
Openbiman Openbiman is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I recommend a round table so there is no power imbalance!
:-) We'll try for one, yes. But can't remember if they're an option at the pace we're going--I don't think so. Both my wife and he have said they really couldn't care less about the protocols at that level; it's just my own nerves talking and focusing on such things, as I feel "responsible" for making sure they're each as comfortable as possible....
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  #19  
Old 04-15-2014, 06:16 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
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All I can say is proceed with caution. I got weird/mixed signals from the wife right from the beginning....and now we are all miserable. If I could take it all back, I would. I want a partner with a spouse I can at least be cordial with, but even better be friends. (like my partners are)
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