Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-13-2014, 04:07 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 924

I have found that I would not enter a relationship where others hold veto power.
Relationships change over time, either the opportunities for that exist or I don't want to get involved.
I want regular FTF time and within that time we do our own thing.
At least one contact with the metamor if they are considered primary, some line of communication should be open even if it is never used.
What rules and boundaries work for one relationship may not for another.
Me: mid 40s female.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2014, 05:29 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I think it's an awesome topic, just not one I can post on personally.
Technically I'm not solo poly either. While I hold some of the similar world views (as far as I know), I don't eschew entanglements like cohabitation. As far as I understand that's one of the defining characteristics of solo poly.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2014, 06:45 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 924

I copied this from the singlish/solopoly facebook page.

WHAT'S SINGLEISH/SOLO POLYAMORY? We are open to honest nonmonogamous relationships, but generally we do not have (and many of us don't even want) a conventional primary-style relationship -- sharing a household & finances, identifying strongly as a couple/triad, etc.
Me: mid 40s female.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2014, 08:27 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Technically I'm not solo poly either. While I hold some of the similar world views (as far as I know), I don't eschew entanglements like cohabitation. As far as I understand that's one of the defining characteristics of solo poly.
Nor do I. So I technically don't fit the solo poly definition either.
-Me: 51, female, relationship anarchist
-The Philosopher: semi-LDR, 44, male - my intellectual twin; relationship anarchist.
-Intellectual Elf, 27, female, the Philosopher's LDR
-Polkadot, 36, dating the Philosopher
-Wiseman, 68, male, solo-poly, my budding LDR
Reply With Quote
Old 01-04-2015, 06:49 AM
RaeAmaya RaeAmaya is offline
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 15

Wow, this thread is exactly what I was looking for... shame it's not commented on more. I'd love to see it resurrected. As a newly single poly-virgin, the ideas presented here have been very thought provoking and brought issues to my attention that I hadn't considered before. I think the answers to the original questions for myself (once I find/define them ) will be very important in reducing future heartache/drama. It's true that most of the immediately available information on being poly is from the point of view of partnered people and I'm not interested in finding or developing a primary relationship. So thanks for this thread and hopefully more opinions on the topic.
me: 27 yo bi-curious female poly-virgin
DE: Dear Ex-husband, mono
PS: male friend, poly (I've been friend-zoned)
LM: gf of PS, poly
Reply With Quote
Old 01-04-2015, 07:58 AM
Emm's Avatar
Emm Emm is offline
Stealth Mod
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,393

I don't have a list, as such, but I guess I've been building one as experience brings new issues up. So far I have:
  1. I will speak to or meet the existing partner(s) of any potential new interest before getting any more intimate than kissing. This is primarily to ensure that potential new guy isn't cheating and doesn't have red-flagworthy baggage in that department.
  2. I expect anyone I'm in a relationship with to be a functioning adult, not someone who needs to run off to get a permission slip signed for every little thing. I will agree to take things slowly at first if that helps make it easier for metamores, however that doesn't mean they get to dictate the course of our relationship.
  3. I expect to be treated with respect and compassion. I will not put up with being put aside every time a problem crops up in your other relationship. Being asked to postpone a date or take a week off once or twice? Sure, but if it becomes a regular thing you have stopped treating me as a person and started treating me as something you can put back on the shelf whenever you feel like it.

Last edited by Emm; 01-04-2015 at 08:02 AM. Reason: Hit Submit rather than Preview. Oops.
Reply With Quote
Old 01-04-2015, 04:53 PM
schizofish schizofish is offline
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Cornwall, UK
Posts: 24

I need to have what I think of as the foundations of poly:
my partners know each other exist and are okay with that
my metamours know that I exist and are okay with that
basic sexual health is talked about openly

If these things are not talked about, there is no point even looking to go into any kind of relationship with that person. However, if I do decide that I want to move forward, then things I need or boundaries I have:

Give me regular contact, preferably face to face.
I spend time with Loki probably 3 or 4 times a fortnight, and we chat online or by text as well; I see Wayland and Odette less than that, about once a fortnight, but we chat online and by text quite frequently; Njord is my difficult one as he works abroad for chunks of time, but while he is abroad, we probably email nearly every day (depending on timezones), and we see each other as often as we can when he is in the country.

Respect our time together.
I need to know that my time with them is my time.... basic poly etiquette, you know, I don't interfere in the time my partners spend with my metamours, and my metamours should not interfere with my time with my partners. If/when the person I am with (partner, or even friend) sits on FB/messenger/text while with me, it makes me feel like they don't want to be there, second-best, devalued.... and I want out at that point.

Don't think that we will move in together at some point in the future.
It's not going to happen. I don't think I could cope with having someone there all the time. Currently, this is not an issue, but if/when any more partners make their way into my network, this will be mentioned right at the start. My relationships have to have to run that knife edge between not seeing them enough and seeing them too much *sigh*

Don't expect to meet my kids straight away
I want to be sure (ish, anyway) that you are going to be around for a while before I will introduce you to my kids. Obvious enough, I think.

Keep me informed
This is a big, huge point. I don't deal well (usually) with total surprises. If you drop off the face of the earth, tell me it's going to happen and I can sit and wait; don't tell me and I will start to worry/stress. Tell me you are chatting to other potential partners, tell me you are going on a date. You don't have to share details, but tell me something!

Don't keep me separate from the rest of your life
I don't want to feel like your dirty little secret. I know it won't be straight away (see meeting my kids above) but at some point if I don't meet other people in your life, then I will start to feel like you are ashamed of me/us.... and at that point, I will want out.
Schizofish, 42yo female, in polyship with:

-Njord, 51M mostly LDR lover
-Wayland, 40M FWB, who is in a LTR with Odette
-Meili, 42M lover
Reply With Quote

boundaries, independence, negotiating, rules, single, solo

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:18 AM.