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View Poll Results: Did you decide to be poly in order to fill a void where your partner should be?
yes 2 13.33%
no 13 86.67%
Voters: 15. You may not vote on this poll

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  #11  
Old 04-13-2010, 11:03 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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THAT's how it got done!

Well thanks for letting us know Ygirl!

That's pretty cool!!!
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  #12  
Old 04-13-2010, 11:22 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
It was I who made it into a "real" poll.
I thought it was magic! lol


He and I talked further this afternoon and he will be coming on here later (hopefully not too later. I'm so damn impatient!) to add his input. Basically, I've asked him several times before if he is poly and I always get the same answer from him. Which he said he would put on here himself...
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  #13  
Old 04-13-2010, 11:58 PM
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this is my personal stand on going poly.

like bubby says, its a time stickler for me. i would not be poly if any other situation but this arrises. i am afraid that when i get closer to bubby and fiancee that i will want more than what is possible. its a big fear, considering. as a possibility i will consider another to focus my needs on. and yes like a jerk i did phrase it so that it translates to if i need more of my bubby and i cant have anymore then i will try poly.

Up until this morn we were a poly-fi. and i have no prob. with that.ATM. but if im still feeling ghosts in my bed at night, then it leaves me very little choices down the road. lol choice A. join a fight club (ive been frustrated lately, this also means a hobby) B. become poly so i can have the only woman in the world who makes me feel this way =) still be in as much of my life as i can have(i know greedy). or C. break crack and everyone gets a rash cause i cant cope.

i know that for anyone that i introduce into my life that it will not be fair to them that i have "SPACE" because im greedy.

please do not be gentle. just be honest in your replies.

Last edited by budKEP; 04-14-2010 at 12:00 AM.
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  #14  
Old 04-14-2010, 12:05 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Okay.... So I'm going to put the response I get every time I ask if he is poly.

"I know I'm capable of it, but don't want that. If I have to be to keep you then I will."

I also want to clarify when I said I'm poly because I'm capable of loving two people. I need to add and because I want to...

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-14-2010 at 12:36 AM. Reason: merge posts
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  #15  
Old 04-14-2010, 12:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
Okay.... So I'm going to put the response I get every time I ask if he is poly.

"I know I'm capable of it, but don't want that. If I have to be to keep you then I will."
This is not something that I haven't considered in the past. In all honesty it was not about the idea of giving more people love though. It was about diluting the love I have for Redpepper and taking away the special nature of sex to me. Essentially I thought, if I'm fucking another woman than it won't be a big deal that she is fucking other guys. I saw it as a way to take the sting out of the idea that she had other lovers and would have more. It would have been a way to limit what I could offer her. We would never have come this far if I had of tried that as a coping method...and still those thoughts can creep back into my mind from time to time during times of doubt.

There are times, especially when questioned by my friends, that I feel a certain embarrassment at being exclusive with Redpepper. If I were to say I was just fucking her it would be fine and accepted with ease, but to say I actually love her and am committed monogamously to someone who has sex with other men, creates an interesting look in their eyes. It is a look of I'm an idiot. Don't get me wrong I would probably do the same thing if the roles were reversed and I didn't have the knowledge I have now. If I had other partners they would understand and be more accepting for sure..they have said as much.

So perhaps this might be some of his motivations? Perhaps not.
Maybe he is poly and you won't be able to give him enough of yourself so he will need to find someone else to supplements his need for time, intimacy and sex. Regardless, it seems a little unbalanced to hold back one persons journey because another person's journey hasn't finished. Rarely do we get to work on one thing at a time, and trust me I am a huge fan of that LOL! It's just not that feasible.
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  #16  
Old 04-14-2010, 01:01 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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I don't want to hold back his journey. I don't want him doing something he is continuing to say even as we are on the phone now that he doesn't want to do just so he can stay sane and be with me. As I love two men I know that when things go sour between my fiance and I, my boyfriend can not help me with the loneliness I feel from the emotional distance between my fiance and I because I need emotional closeness from my fiance. And when (which is every day all day) that I miss my boyfriend terribly and just wish he was there to wrap my arms around, my fiance's embraces do not make it go away. It doesn't even soothe me a little because I need my boyfriend's arms in that moment. It's really hard for me to stomach the idea of my boyfriend trying to get something (his need for more time with me) that he's not going to get from someone else (time with me) and sitting back and supporting something that I see as very destructive for him and in turn destructive to our relationship. And the issue I'm having is I've heard the " I don't want to, but I'm scared I'll have to" off and on for seven months now. So him going poly... it's hard to imagine it any other way than something he didn't want to have to do. Does this make sense?

BTW, I also want to point out that this is a fear of his about once he actually moves down here, which hopefully should be in the next couple of months. It's hypothetical but it's one that has been going on for a long time and it's creating a few waves for everyone's boats.

Basically right now, I see the pain that he has from being so far away. He fears this pain will continue once he is here and he will have to do something he doesn't want to do in order to be with me. I don't see this as being healthy for him and maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship with me but he refuses to accept it (hypothetically because we don't know yet.) Wouldn't it be the right thing for me to do to release him where he can heal and move on and have a healthy relationship if this were to happen? Maybe we could salvage our friendship before he takes an unhealthy spiral that will (I feel and hypothetically) take alot of people with him?

Last edited by Ilove2men; 04-14-2010 at 01:07 AM.
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  #17  
Old 04-14-2010, 01:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
Maybe we could salvage our friendship before he takes an unhealthy spiral that will (I feel and hypothetically) take alot of people with him?
Although I hope you all achieve what you want, I am glad you mentioned this. Healthy is the key word. Everytime we meet anyone we decide how they will be included in our world. Sometimes that means they are not in our life but we still make the decision. I meet lots of people in my world who are not in my life. There are few people that I meet in the world who are actually in my life.
Maintaining connection is the most important thing to me..the expression of that connection is secondary.

I hope you find your way and hopefully it will be in a way that all of you desire and are healthy in
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  #18  
Old 04-14-2010, 01:52 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Okay, after talking with my fiance I may have found a better way of voicing what I'm thinking. I have read everywhere that if something is missing in your relationship it won't get fixed by seeking someone from the outside. THIS is what I've been trying to say.
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  #19  
Old 04-14-2010, 04:06 AM
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bud-

The one piece of advice I have for you is this,

WHEN we make our choices in fear-they have a HUGE tendency to kick us to the ground in the most unkind and violent ways.

WHEN we choose to control our choices and make them based on sound thought and reasoning-instead of allowing fear to control US and our choices-we tend to be MUCH MUCH happier with the results EVEN if they end up not being what we want and we have to alter our plans.

I say that from experience. But really-Maca could say it even better.
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  #20  
Old 04-14-2010, 04:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Ithought, if I'm fucking another woman than it won't be a big deal that she is fucking other guys. I saw it as a way to take the sting out of the idea that she had other lovers and would have more. ...................................We would never have come this far if I had of tried that as a coping method...and still those thoughts can creep back into my mind from time to time during times of doubt.

There are times, especially when questioned by my friends, that I feel a certain embarrassment at being exclusive with Redpepper.

That is because it's a COPING mechanism, not a sane, rational, reasonably thought out choice. It might fix the emotion IN THE MOMENT-but it isn't a GOOD FIX for YOU, only the emotion-which isn't YOU.

And you my friend are NOT an idiot. I daresay you are one of the sanest and most intelligent people I've encountered. If someone tells you otherwise-just tell them, yeah well LR says you are full of shit!
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