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  #41  
Old 04-08-2014, 07:01 AM
london london is offline
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Someone can be looking for the one and engage in casual sex too. If someone looking for the one seems to only be interested in casual with you, it's probably because that's all they feel you are compatible for. Just because they only want to bang you, it doesn't mean they only want to bang me.
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  #42  
Old 04-08-2014, 01:12 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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And that also doesn't mean that they can't want to start with casual sex and see if it develops into the one. I think a lot of guys are like that. They'd like to find a cute, fun girl that they can have a fwb situation with and if it changes, so be it.
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  #43  
Old 04-08-2014, 03:33 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Yeah and some girls think they are all that and they can turn a player and then they get their little heart broken when turns out the guy who said they are just looking for FWB is in fact looking for fwb.
As someone who was recently in the dating scene, I would expect a person looking for a partner would be single unless otherwise stated. I don't think that's. An abnormal assumption
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  #44  
Old 04-08-2014, 08:25 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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It's not. But neither is the assumption that a person casually dating is casually dating more than one person. The two aren't mutually exclusive.
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  #45  
Old 04-09-2014, 12:46 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Honestly... I think there definitely are guys who write down "looking for the one" in their profiles but are (also) looking for casual sex. They just think it looks bad if they say so. And then they see you're open and they're like "score! She'll have sex with me!" because they assume, somehow, that it means you'll have sex with anyone.
Tonberry, I suspect this may be the case.

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Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
There's a huge difference between the limited space on a dating profile, where the word poly can trigger so much ignorance and misunderstanding and sitting across from someone, explaining how it works, answering questions, and putting a successful human face on a social taboo.

My partner Audrey (f) doesn't put it on her dating profiles, but has a great success rate at getting people (she's pansexual) to give things a chance that they might not have otherwise. She doesn't have a hard and fast rule. Often she chats with people for months or weeks, either in the app or through texts, and when it comes up...it comes up. We've had a talk about my feelings, vis-a-vis not wanting to feel hidden and therefore unimportant...and we're on the same page. She loves me, values our relationship and brings it up if and when there's a need to...i.e. not casual dating. And it so happens that I've been able to do the same myself.

I think men have the reputation for being aggressively horny no matter what their orientation because they have been socialized to be such, in part by the misogynistic culture we live in.

...
A lot of what is "acceptable" and "not acceptable" comes from the community you're in, your age range, your education level, etc. - a ton of factors. And just when you're ready to assume someone can't handle polyamory, they can surprise you.
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I wonder how many of them write that solely because they believe it's what women want, and it makes them appear more desirable?
I suspect this is also true for many. I wonder how many would go another route if they felt it was acceptable and some women would accept that with them?

Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
And that also doesn't mean that they can't want to start with casual sex and see if it develops into the one. I think a lot of guys are like that. They'd like to find a cute, fun girl that they can have a fwb situation with and if it changes, so be it.
My relationship with Whip started out as fuckbuddies, grew into FWB and is now more serious. I'm not opposed to this idea at all. I think it's odd to go on every date thinking 'Is this the One?'. Talk about expectations! But, I also don't want to be approached as 'Insert Tab A into Slot B'. Unfortunately that is the feel of many of my messages.

I also read, Vanquish, your comments about your girlfriend noting her poly relationship with you, or just being poly in general as it comes up in messages and texts and such over weeks or months chatting with people. And your point about advocating for poly in the flesh is an effective way to introduce people to the idea is true.

I'm curious. Does your girlfriend also let people know while having in person interactions? Does she meet the folks she's chatting with online in person eventually? I ask because I just do not have the patience to chat that long without meeting in person. I note in my profile that I'm not interested in online only, that I prefer to meet relatively quickly in person. I get bored messaging/texting without actual in person interaction. (Weeks and months would feel sooo long to me!) I've also had the experience of having a lovely connection with someone that fizzled immediately upon meeting in real life. The physical connection was just not there. Anyway, I was wondering about the differences in how your girlfriend approaches things and how I handle similar situations. Might be generational too, as you noted, I'm much closer in age to you than her.
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  #46  
Old 04-09-2014, 01:46 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
My relationship with Whip started out as fuckbuddies, grew into FWB and is now more serious. I'm not opposed to this idea at all. I think it's odd to go on every date thinking 'Is this the One?'. Talk about expectations! But, I also don't want to be approached as 'Insert Tab A into Slot B'. Unfortunately that is the feel of many of my messages.
Oh, relationships can and do evolve, certainly, and I don't believe in the concept of "the One" to begin with. But I personally have no interest in casual sex. For me to be willing to have sex with someone, I need to trust them enough that they are at the very least a good friend. So, need to get to know them first.
If they're fine with that, knowing that we might never get to the point of sex, good. But a lot of guys interested in casual sex aren't willing to wait for sex, and would see even a strong friendship as a "loss" as far as outcomes go. So, incompatible wants/expectations there.

While I don't think everyone is like me, I also don't think I'm the only person who works that way, either. So saying you're looking for something committed doesn't translate necessarily to looking for "the One".
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  #47  
Old 04-09-2014, 02:44 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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There's also the whole slut shaming tendency of our society. It's pretty engrained.

Man wants sex. Man posts ad for casual sex. Any woman who responds is obviously a slut, because only sluts want casual sex. Man does not want slut. Man wants "good girl" whom he can convince to have casual sex with him.

Just a theory. Not saying it's a conscious process that people go through. Most slut shaming happens when we're not really paying attention. Also not saying it explains "all" the instances of the contradiction. Realistically speaking, the reason why men post ads seeking "the one" and then send introductions asking for casual sex, is not "a reason" but a multitude of reasons, and probably a combination of several in every instance.
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  #48  
Old 04-09-2014, 03:41 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Tonberry, I suspect this may be the case.
I suspect this is also true for many. I wonder how many would go another route if they felt it was acceptable and some women would accept that with them?

My relationship with Whip started out as fuckbuddies, grew into FWB and is now more serious. I'm not opposed to this idea at all. I think it's odd to go on every date thinking 'Is this the One?'. Talk about expectations! But, I also don't want to be approached as 'Insert Tab A into Slot B'. Unfortunately that is the feel of many of my messages.

I also read, Vanquish, your comments about your girlfriend noting her poly relationship with you, or just being poly in general as it comes up in messages and texts and such over weeks or months chatting with people. And your point about advocating for poly in the flesh is an effective way to introduce people to the idea is true.

I'm curious. Does your girlfriend also let people know while having in person interactions? Does she meet the folks she's chatting with online in person eventually? I ask because I just do not have the patience to chat that long without meeting in person. I note in my profile that I'm not interested in online only, that I prefer to meet relatively quickly in person. I get bored messaging/texting without actual in person interaction. (Weeks and months would feel sooo long to me!) I've also had the experience of having a lovely connection with someone that fizzled immediately upon meeting in real life. The physical connection was just not there. Anyway, I was wondering about the differences in how your girlfriend approaches things and how I handle similar situations. Might be generational too, as you noted, I'm much closer in age to you than her.
1. Does she meet the folks she's chatting with online in person eventually?
2. Does your girlfriend also let people know while having in person interactions?

She does often meet people from online, though she's selective. She also enjoys the process of meeting and talking to people online just for the sake of making friends to talk to. There are times, depending on the person and how she's feeling, when she'll meet someone after just a few decent exchanges. With other people it's much longer before they meet. It just depends on how quickly they meet in person and where their online conversation goes as to whether it's discussed online or in person first.

As someone who is 42, I do feel her texting habits are a generational thing, though the longer we're together the more I'm enjoying moving in her direction on the issue.

Her dating goals are also a function of her generation, at least in part. She is truly polyamorous, not just polysexual. When she meets someone, she'd be fine with the end result being a romantic relationship with full emotions also a sexual component...she'd also be fine with the result being a fwb situation (though she's not just going to do that with anyone)...and she'd also be fine with making a friend. Where it goes depends on the person and where their interactions (online or in person) take them.

So far she hasn't met someone that she has found the level of attraction and emotional connection as she has with me. We've discussed the fact that it might not always be that way. One of her dates might be with someone she feels as deep an emotional connection with as me and then we'll all have to adjust.

For whatever reason, she hasn't gone on any dates in a long while, maybe a month or even two, but has been texting several people from the apps. We're kind of in a state of domestic bliss, but I'm fully expecting at some point she'll tell me she's scheduled a date, either with someone new or one of her previous casual dating friends. I'd be happy for her if she did, though I can't say it would be abrupt as it hasn't happened in so long.

Does that answer your questions?
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  #49  
Old 04-11-2014, 08:59 PM
Sphynx Sphynx is offline
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I often flirt with some of my friends, but I don't think they take it seriously.
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