Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 04-10-2014, 11:34 PM
SheepMusketeer SheepMusketeer is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 8
Default Advice welcome - when to give up?

Hi everyone,

I posted an introduction to this Forum a few months ago. Here's the short version of what was and now is. M and I have been married since August. I brought up the idea of open relationships in June; the whole idea took him aback and he has been struggling since then to accept that this is what I want. We married in the midst of this, as I believed our relationship was strong enough to get through it all, but now I am seriously reconsidering this.
In September I met D (who works with me) and fell in love with him, thereby complicating the situation immensely. M knew about this from the start and stopped us from having a physical relationship, but by January I hated the situation and feeling like I had to hide the emotions that I had.

I told M that I didn't think our marriage was working any more - that ultimately we wanted different things from life (me poly and he mono) and that I wasn't willing to give up seeing the people I loved in order to be with him. He, much to my surprise, offered to try a poly relationship to see how it went, and asked me to give us more time together before calling an end to things. So I did.

We've tried poly for the past 3 months and I still feel unhappy, despite having two wonderful men in my life who both love me very much. Here are some reasons:
- I asked for D to be an equal primary and not just a secondary, but M was not comfortable with this. So the rules are: no staying over with him, and no holidays. This makes D feel second-best and it feels like we cannot enjoy a proper relationship. I hadn't realised how important sleeping over with someone was.
- I constantly feel bad about asking to spend time with D, even if it is just two evenings a week. M is always so upset when I leave, and also when I return, that I am constantly wracked with guilt and anxiety over it. Simultaneously I feel guilty for only giving D two evenings a week of my time.
- My romantic feelings for M have all but disappeared. I haven't wanted sex for many months now, and also feel physically repulsed at even lesser things such as kissing with tongues or him just stroking me in a sensual way. I'm struggling to understand why this is, but suspect it is a combination of my emotional distance from him and also a need to compartmentalise the two relationships I'm having. I can't tell if those romantic feelings would return; right now I simply love M as a brother.
- M and I have just moved in together (February) after having most of our relationship long-distance. My flat is small and we have little personal space. M thought it had been the distance causing friction in our relationship; I think the closeness will do more damage.
- I find it difficult to talk to M about my emotions. I either feel that he simply doesn't understand me, or that he tries to make me feel bad for the feelings I have (because knowing about them upsets him). Conversely, I can tell D everything. He has an emotional maturity that I am still learning from myself and has been so great at helping me work through my feelings and issues (and never tries to alienate me from M). I really don't think I can sustain a marriage with M (poly or mono) given these communication issues.

I love both these men, and, in a different world, could see myself being happy with both of them. But right now this situation is making all three of us unhappy and I see little choice but to end it with one of them. Leaving D would break my heart (though I am aware I am still in NRE with him) and would possibly end my marriage in itself. Leaving M would be very sad, as I married him for a reason and we make a great couple in many other respects. I hate looking at the future and seeing sadness in any of the choices I make.

I know that many of you have been in similar situations and would appreciate your advice. When is it best to keep trying, and when is it best to call it a day and admit that things aren't working?
Thanks in advance for any replies.
M = husband since Aug 2013
D = bf since Jan 2013
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:07 PM.